Constant Internal Conflict is tiring

[Kara]

I was watching the movie Psycho the other night. At the end the psychologist explaining Normans behavior says "When the mind houses two personalities, there is always a battle...".
I realized that I have been fighting a battle. A battle between being a "normal" male and my need to be "feminine". It is a tiring battle. And so many times I have wished that I would have never been exposed to this.

As one of the other members said (can't remember who, sorry) there are times when I am fine with my male image and then the sight of a woman in high heels, or a corset, or something brings the desire to dress to the forefront.

And I find sometimes, like now, that I am content when I am dressed up. I love the feeling. But inside there is this conflict. That I shouldn't be doing this, that I wish I could look more like a woman, that I had someone to share this with, feeling guilty for doing this over other things I should be doing.

I am looking out the window at my neighborhood and I feel like Roy Neary in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, watching all the neighbor people going about their normal, happy, lives and you see the anguish on his mud covered face because of this overwhelming need that he can't explain.

When I was younger I wished many times that I could be a woman because I thought being a woman would be so much easier (not true, but I was just a dumb kid at the time). But fear, fear of family, society, kept me from exploring this. And I also would have missed out on having my children.

So I am stuck in this continual battle and I am tired. What scares me is that with every battle there is a victor and I don't know which side will win and what will be lost.

[Rikki]

Kara,

All I can offer is "hang in there". You're not alone in these feelings, many here feel the same. I love/hate those movies. They tend to make me feel worse about myself and the emotions and feeling I have.

My internal quandary settles around my femme passions and fearing the pain and suffering that my family might have if they were to discover this (hidden) part of my life. A lot of my worry comes from the ingrained "Catholic Guilt" piled on me by those Nuns back in catechism class in the 50's.

Chin up and keep on going!

Rikki

[Davita]

I don't understand the guilt part of all this. I don't think I ever thought this was wrong and so I didn't have the guilt. Now worry? Lots of worry and lots of why do I have to be different? I had my purges and I had my cries. Now? I'm only guilty of being myself more often than not.

BTW, the Pope has decided it's just bad church to be rejecting people because they don't conform. So if the Pope can decide to be inclusive, why can't you invite a bit more of that girl self into your lives and not feel guilt? Think of it as having helped a wayward soul join the fold...

[Leeza]

I know about the internal fight as I dealt with it for years. The biggest relief came when I accepted who I am as something I cannot change.

At first I thought of it as a curse, but after accepting it, I realize it has been a blessing. In looking back it helped me be a Mother to my 4 girls and helped me deal with giving the care my wife needed through her long illness.

My daughters have told me many times that I was more of a mother to them than their mother was. The 3 still living make sure they call on Mother's day even if they forget Father's day. If asked they will tell you that I was both Mother and Father to them.

[Anthony Simon]

Honestly, I find the tone of your post kind of worrying, Kara. It's almost like you've given up hope of finding a good solution.

[Anita]

Hi Kara--

As one of the other members said (can't remember who, sorry) there are times when I am fine with my male image and then the sight of a woman in high heels, or a corset, or something brings the desire to dress to the forefront.

When I was a teenager, and I first crossdressed, seeing girls or women did not remind me of my own CDing. When I began CDing again at 49, I went through a six month period where seeing women reminded me of it constantly. This was excessive, and not fun, and I say this even though I was able to dress as much as I needed to. For me, it was a cycle that I went through, and then it was not so intense. But if you don't get to dress as often as you'd like, then I'm not sure how that works out.

feeling guilty for doing this over other things I should be doing.

That particular feeling has really bothered me, at times, and I know others who have experienced that. I partially resolved it by going out in the world as a woman, and actually doing things--buying groceries, going to the hardware store, and so on. That is the "radical" solution to that feeling, and even that is troublesome. There are still only certain things I can do as a woman, at certain times. And I also find that being my woman self can be a distraction; I would not sit down to do my taxes dressed as a woman, for instance. It just doesn't work for me. However, I can run a support group meeting as a woman, and that works fine. It's very hit-and-miss, what I can and can't do.

I am looking out the window at my neighborhood and I feel like Roy Neary in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, watching all the neighbor people going about their normal, happy, lives and you see the anguish on his mud covered face because of this overwhelming need that he can't explain.

that I had someone to share this with,

These lines both evoke the same thought in me: support group. Whatever else you do about your dressing, it can really help to find a support group near you. It is a relief to be able to talk face-to-face to others who understand, who don't need explanations, and are going through many of the same things that you are. Even if you only go once every three months, it is a way of getting out of isolation.

So I am stuck in this continual battle and I am tired. What scares me is that with every battle there is a victor and I don't know which side will win and what will be lost.

That part of it is something that each of us has to face alone--the decision about what to do. Once you make it, there can be help and support, but you won't know ahead of time where it will come from. So I can understand your fear around this. I felt it, too, but my life as a middle-aged man had become so dysfunctional that I had nothing to lose by coming out as a part-time woman. We all have to make our own assessments when it comes to this jumping-off place. The stress of not being open about who I was was starting to affect my health, and I had to move forward. Whatever you end up doing, I hope you can begin to lessen the conflict bit by bit.

[Martina Hall]

Kara, don't worry, you are not Norman Bates. Listen to your sisters here, no need to feel guilty. This thing of ours is not abnormal, it is just another flavor of normal, evidenced by our numbers. Just like our gay-lesbian brothers and sisters.

[Anne Bonny]

Haha! Great minds think alike! I really believe that our cognitive dissonance or angst is a result of our own fear, and desire to hide who we truly are. Obviously we have come to accept our mixed gender. As I am male and probably more than 50% male gender I will not be seeking reassignment of my sex. The degree of our physical and emotional (or psychological) health will be determined by the degree to which we come out of the closet. Our psychological healing will be as painful as recovering from surgery is for our trans gender sisters. But coming out of the closet is our equivalent of transitioning. This does not mean that distress and pain from sources that are beyond our control will ever go away, but we can be completely open, truthful and free and that will maximize our comfort, and turn the angst to a minimum but it will never go away entirely because of the judgement of others. We are though free to ignore the others and to probably rid ourselves of angst perhaps completely by not caring what others think or how they react to us.

[Martina Hall]

Anne Bonny, due to my experiences with the medical "profession", I will never let one of them cut on me unless absolutely necessary. I was pushing 50 before I got my ears pierced. Tattoos: zero. Happy being part-time, occasional CD.

[Anthony Simon]

The degree of our physical and emotional (or psychological) health will be determined by the degree to which we come out of the closet. ...This does not mean that distress and pain from sources that are beyond our control will ever go away, but we can be completely open, truthful and free and that will maximize our comfort, and turn the angst to a minimum but it will never go away entirely because of the judgement of others. We are though free to ignore the others and to probably rid ourselves of angst perhaps completely by not caring what others think or how they react to us.

I'm not sure that being "completely open, truthful and free" does maximize our comfort. I mean people can be awfully cruel. You know you've got to be selective about who you open up to.

The alternative (and possibly better) solution - anyway as a start - is to be "completely open, truthful and free" about being TG with people who are there specifically to give you an arena for that. That is to say CD/TG support groups.

OK, it's probably not a complete answer, but it does offer a way forward which avoids the problems of being "completely open, truthful and free" to everyone about being a CD.

[Carla Michelle]

Lately I've been coming out to friends about who I really am. I've been doing this slowly, not coming out to everyone, all at once but just 1 or 2, here and there. Over the years I have managed to only collect friends that are open minded and would not end a friendship over something like this. I understand my life is different in that I'm not just CDing but will transition over the next year and live full time as female. So I kind of have to come out to my friends and family.

As a result of coming out to some friends I do feel much more relaxed around them. And actually happier knowing that I no longer have to put up a fake persona with them and can just be myself.

[TammyT]

I posted to you once before, Kara, but I want to reiterate that we're all here for you, and I want to give you a big cuddle and tell you that it's alright. It sounds like we're both in a similar place, and I'm currently trying to find a local group in which I can vocalise all these feelings. Anita and Anne Bonny make some great points in their posts (thank you both!), and I hope you can take something from this thread too. Verbalising these thoughts are important, and I hope that somehow you can also talk to your wife about these things.

[Ralitsa]

We do all deal with this to one extent or another, and we do each have to get to our own answers in our own ways. My own conflict was rather violently resolved by my ex who very preciptously decided that she was going to accuse me of some rather horrendous things, and then use my CDing as justification for it. At that point I was confronted with either continuing to try hiding it; or to embrace it and to take it on head first. So I decided that the best way to fight vicious lies was with absolute truth; consequently I determined that I would wear exactly what I please when and where I wanted to. This essentially challenged everyone that I know to either accept and deal with it, or to go jump in the lake. A very brutal way to get to where I am now, but effective.
Now I don't think of myself as a normal guy who prefers to wears womens clothes even though I describe myself that way. I think of myself as a complex person who contains many characteristics, some of those attributes are normally associated with the feminine and some with the masculine. But the inconsistency, if there seems to be any, lies not with myself but with the characterization of traits. I don't say "today I will be in female mode" I say "today I need to cut firewood so I will wear some old jeans, my steel toe boots, this flannel shirt, a bra that I don't mind getting all sweaty and that won't ride up (with matching panties of course), etc."
I don't worry about passing as a woman any more than fitting in with some testosterone crazed brutes watching the game and behaving rudely toward the waitress. I don't fit in, I'm not like everyone else, I don't pretend to be and I don't pretend that I want to be.
So are there really two people in your head? Or is there only one person there that is trying to be two people? Is there a man and a woman? Or is there a person trying to split into a man and a woman?

[SallyStone]

Kara,

Please keep in mind that there doesn't need to be a winner. I recognized a long time ago that for me to be truly happy I had to explore and embrace both the masculine and feminine sides of my personality. Embrace the desirable parts of your personalities whether they are male or female. Some days I love being a guy and others I have to be a girl, but I stopped letting the two sides compete and that's when I became content with who I am.

Sure, there are times when I'm being my inner woman that I wish I looked more the part but instead of dwelling on a need to live up to the social concepts of feminine beauty I focus on my inner feminine beauty and that gets me by and makes me happy.

I think that maybe if you give both sides of your personality opportunities to shine through, like me you'll find some piece of mind and a good deal more happiness.

Hang in there and remember you have a lot of caring friends here.

Hugs,

Sally