Sorely Disappointed

[CJ]

Okay, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, here.

Why am I still single? I have a fairly pleasant personality; I'm relatively intelligent; I have a generous sense of humour; I love life; I'm sort of cute; and I don't live under a rock. Why am I still single after all this time? Sometimes, I'm so hungry for contact it hurts.

For the past few days, I've been trying out one of these online personals sites everyone's talking about. It took me a while to work up the courage to register. My natural inclination is to look at these as being frequented by desperate people. I'm just not that desperate (or, perhaps, I'm just too proud to admit that I am, who knows?). I set up a beautiful profile, with an honest yet witty text, accompanied by what I hope is a flattering photo. After three days, nary a nibble. "Just do it!" my friends and colleagues were saying, pushing me into this, "you'll see: you'll be flooded with e-mails!" Yeah. Okay. I'll confess, here: I'm more than merely disappointed, I feel crushed. I pulled the profile this afternoon. To hell with this!

This online stuff isn't working out all that well for me.

I feel lonely. I'm tired of that feeling. I want to be held and to hold. I want to be loved and to love. I want to look into someone's eyes and see there the same desire she sees in mine.

Sorry to dump this on you gals; I just needed to vent a little.

Christina Blue

[Lorna]

Hi CJ,

I know exactly how you feel. I have been single now for over a year and a half. Weeks will now pass without me so much as flirting or bring flirted with. And I live in NY!

I have a fairly pleasant personality
Very pleasant!

I'm relatively intelligent
I've read lots of intelligent insightful posts from you

I have a generous sense of humour
Laughter is important, especially nowadays

I love life
That's a wonderful attribute! Not enough people in this world do...

I'm sort of cute
You're very cute!

and I don't live under a rock.
That's the way to live!

Why am I still single after all this time? Sometimes, I'm so hungry for contact it hurts.

It's definitely very important for all of us as human beings to be loved. Hang in there hon, and I'm sure that you'll find that special someone! But as for the online personals, I do feel compelled to say: don't knock it till you tried it! Who says that personal ads are for desperate people? For years I felt the same way. I met my last girlfriend online thru a message forum!

It usually happens when you least expect it. Also, expanding one's horizons is always a plus. For me, I stopped going to the same places to try to meet people. And I'm not talking about the bar/club scene either. You can meet people in other settings as well - open minded people to boot.

What are your hobbies and interests? Perhaps you can find a class or workshop of sorts specializing in just that. For me, evening classes at a college has always proven to be paydirt!

Just throwing a few suggestions out there for you, hon. Hope you meet someone special real soon! Hang in there. You're too pretty, too smart & too cool not to meet someone nice.

[Beauty]

Hi Christina,

You are a good catch. Don't worry about those women who don't know enough about you yet.

Unfortunately lots of guys online have great profiles. So, since I did this before I got married I have some suggestions. Send the gals you like e-mails. 3-4 out of 15 respond.

Usually the gals I met online never made it past two dates, but accidentally I learned how to go on a date. I was able to be more like a person you'd meet at work instead of a person picking a date up for the prom.

I hope your experience helps you meet a great gal.

I would also suggest you use these dates as chances to socialize instead of looking for "her". The gals you meet can become gals you become more than friends with. Meaning they'll always know you wanted to date them, which makes it more than friendship and less than a serious relationship. After you meet enough gals you'll probably have someone to hang out with at least one night a week. No sex stuff, just friends.

Then I'd suggest you take a small detour. Have your friends (not the gals you met online usually) but GG friends introduce you to other gals. That's how I met my wife and lots of the people I know met their SOs. It's easier to meet a gal who a friend can tell about you. Also gals tend to not introduce us to their friends if they don't know we're dating gals and actively looking.

I think we forget how hard it is to be normal around a girl we're attracted to. It takes work. Some gals think it's cute, but that only lasts a month or so.

Best of luck!

Beauty

[Loretta Ann]

Hi CJ.

Thank you for posting this, I have always been very leery of this sort of thing. A few years ago a sister of mine got involved with a guy through one of these places. It turned out that the guy was desperate indeed. To make a long story short she got burnt and will not go near such a place since then.

But I do want to encourage you. You are not just trying the same thing that you have in the past, that has not worked for you. From what I get from your posts is that you are a very intelligent, deep thinking and caring person. If I am right you are going to need a caring intelligent person ( I say intelligent because one needs to be intelligent in order to care at the level you do.)

I would like to suggest to try and find out what kind of activities those kind of people would be involved in, and look in those places. You have got to much to offer to sell your self short by looking in places where you find a lot of self seekers.

For what it is worth that is just my opinion.

[Kersten Lee]

Hi, CJ,

This news really took me by surprise. I had assumed that you were
happily married.

I don't have suggestions but some of the other girls, I thought, gave
some sound advice. You seem so confident, surely you don't hesitate to
ask a woman or two on a date.

Just because you seem so kind and balanced to me doesn't mean that
just any girl will do. Don't you come into any contact with available
possibly compatible woman. Could you be setting your sights so
narrow that you would miss that wonderful woman?

I am a hopeless romantic. Even through the worst times I would never
have willingly given up my wife to be single. For me I need my mate to
live. I would be in a world of hurt if something should happen to her.
Sorry, I should be comforting you. I have to be honest also. I know
how you feel. I have to say that knowing my wife through good and
bad has made life worth living. She has shared in my pain and
comforted me and held me and wiped my tears for 29 years. We also
shared in good for me and good for her. We have share indescribeable
intimacy. If you have this need, as you say, don't give up. Pursue
this life mate like you have in all the other things you have obviously
mastered. Most valued things in life have never come to me easily.

Shake off the dust and regroup,
Kersten

[CJ]

Hi all,

Thanks for your encouragement and kind words.

This seems to be a theme when I talk about how I feel with my friends, both here and offline; branch out and look in places where I believe "she for whom I am meant" would be found.

That's just the thing, though. I first need to get myself in "available" mode; I've been told I rarely put out "attraction signals" by some of my GG friends. Call me old-fashioned (or just plain numbnuts), but sex isn't the first thing that springs to mind when I meet a woman for the first time (or, often, the second or third times). I just find it mind-boggling how so many of my male friends automatically and almost reflexively comment on this or that physical attribute of a woman they've just recently met. I stay away from this kind of banter. It's pointless. I want to know her heart. I want to know her mind. I want to know her soul. I want to feel her spirit. Only once I'm comfortable around these, and that I've let myself be tamed by her inner beauty, does physical attraction enter into the picture for me. This way I have of wanting to know who's behind the eyes and what lives beneath the skin, causes me no end of grief in a speed-dating world.

I'll remain patient, though. I always have. Again, thanks for just being there, girls.

Love,
CJ

[Jessie]

All I can say is WOW. I find some the advice that your are giving CJ close to or simular to my situation. Though I on the other hand am not really a big person well person. But I too have been adviced my colleagues at work to try the online personals. However I am a little to scared that what happened with CJ would happen to me so I do not have enough nerve to use it.

OK maybe I kind took over a little but the subject touches pretty close to myself also.

Jessie

[Tara]

I don't really know what I could add that others haven't already saide CJ. You seem like a wonderfull person that any women in thier right mind would want, so I don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong with you.

It's probley like you said in your second post, you've got to make yourself available, advertise it (but not in a trashy sort of way) and pick on cues that girls that you meet are available. Get in the minset of it all. This doesn't mean you have to be "one of the guys" sitting around making lewd comments, but just to be looking out for opperntunities, openings and taking chances, those types of things.

Maybe you've been attempting romance with the wrong type of girls, girls who aren't really your type and that your not of thier type? Many times I have found this out through dating and it's given me a headache or two.

I wish you good luck.



Tara

[Beauty]

Hi all,

Thanks for your encouragement and kind words.

You're welcome!

This seems to be a theme when I talk about how I feel with my friends, both here and offline; branch out and look in places where I believe "she for whom I am meant" would be found.

I hope my post didn't suggest that. I think it's a MAJOR no no to go out looking for "her". Give friends a swift kick in the rear if they suggest that. You can't find "her". You just have to be ready when she walks in your life or you'll (or anyone will) blow it being too romantic or too everything but who you really are.

That's just the thing, though. I first need to get myself in "available" mode; I've been told I rarely put out "attraction signals" by some of my GG friends.

This is something we don't really know we're not doing until our GG'd friends tell us.

Call me old-fashioned (or just plain numbnuts), but sex isn't the first thing that springs to mind when I meet a woman for the first time (or, often, the second or third times). I just find it mind-boggling how so many of my male friends automatically and almost reflexively comment on this or that physical attribute of a woman they've just recently met. I stay away from this kind of banter. It's pointless. I want to know her heart. I want to know her mind. I want to know her soul. I want to feel her spirit. Only once I'm comfortable around these, and that I've let myself be tamed by her inner beauty, does physical attraction enter into the picture for me. This way I have of wanting to know who's behind the eyes and what lives beneath the skin, causes me no end of grief in a speed-dating world.

:: rips violin from hand and throws it against the wall ::
No woman wants "romance" 100% of the time 365 days of the year 24/7. The only time they want that quality is with being faithful to them only. If you've ever seen Animal House where Bluto takes the guitar out of the guy who's seeing a romantic folk song and smashes it, I feel the same way. Also in the movie Bedazzled the lead character wishes to be soft and romantic. The Devil grants his wish and the gal is really taken back, at first, because of his feelings, but then she gets tired of it. lol.. He cries at the sunsets. (While comparing it to her beauty)

Christina, you've mastered being romantic. Move on to the next step and there is a next step.

I'll remain patient, though. I always have. Again, thanks for just being there, girls.

Patience needs to go the way of the Buffalo here. I'm not saying get stressed over it, but wake up man! I don't know if any of the others were in girl mode when writing their responses, but mine was totally guy to guy.

I do wish you the best!!!

Ok.. that was more femme.

Hugs, <--- that too!
Beauty

[CJ]

Hi all,

Beauty,

You're so up front and I think that's so cool!

::Christina ducks as the violin heads her way::

Seriously, thanks for your post. It's very much appreciated.

I don't actually go out "hunting" for a GF and that's not really what my friends are suggesting I do; what they are suggesting (and what I should consider doing) is spending more time in places where the kind of gal I do find attractive may be hanging out--downtown cafés, bookstores, etc. Part of my quandary is that I don't want the fact that I'm a CD to remain long hidden--I want this to be out in the open pretty much from the get go. This idea of "hunting" is precisely why I'm uncomfortable with online personals--people hunt there. When I say that I've had nary a nibble to my own ad, it's true, although, to be honest, I have had some responses. Some of them intriguing, too. But I saw right away that these women sought a manly man, one that fits a very traditional mold, one I can't see myself fitting into. Perhaps, I didn't phrase my despcription of myself clearly enough. For the record, this is what I'd written:

Sharp-eyed, lonely dragon soaring over hills and vales, in search of fulfilling, thirst-quenching contact. Friendship first with those for whom life, the world, and human nature are sources of joy and wonder.
Although some think me occasionally cynical, I have a well-rounded sense of humour (dusted with a light sarcasm) and I feel a profound link to the life around me and of which I am a part. A spiritual explorer, I have a lasting respect for the wisdom found in the traditions of the world's great cultures and civilizations. Attuned to the beauty of difference, I'm open, receptive, tolerant, cosmopolitan, and very much at ease with what is most human in us all. Somewhat of a loner, I nevertheless remain attentive to the pleasures a healthy social life has to offer. Having (being gifted with?) a fluid gender identity, I enjoy travelling along the rainbow of self-expression--both masculine and feminine. I'm fully fluent in the tongues of both Shakespeare and Molière. While free of any addiction to alcohol or drugs (with the exception of cigarettes), I nonetheless consider myself an "experience junkie," in that I actively court the unfamiliar and love to discover the mysteries of life as seen through the eyes of those around me.
My main goal in life? To never cease learning what it means to be.
My main goals on this network? To exchange, to discover, to forge bonds of friendship, to let myself be tamed, to see whether authenticity is possible online (yes, I have a doubt), and who knows? maybe even to meet a soulmate.
This is my first attempt at this kind of online contact. It remains to be seen whether or not it will lead to a friendly "talk to you soon."


By the way, in reference to my earlier post, I use quotes when I say "she for whom I am meant" because I don't truly believe that there is only one such person. Perhaps, as Kersten suggested, I may be too narrowly focused (or, egad! self-absorbed). I've started recently accepting invites from friends, especially from GGs aware of my situation, to attend get-togethers, potlucks, private parties, and such. I need to muster up all my energies for these types of affairs, though, as I'm not a particularly social gal (sociable, yes; social, no). I just remain open as much as I can.

I'm also trying to be as honest as I can with myself; I'm trying to gauge whether or not my crossdressing (amongst other things) is making me feel inadequate as a potential BF more than it should or more than my own level of self-acceptance warrants. In other words, despite the confident image that I project, perhaps my degree of self-esteem isn't high enough for me to just go out there and be myself. Who knows? This is stuff I'm working on, right now.

About being romantic, well, what can I say, Beauty? I really am... and that definitely is a part of who I am. If that's a turn-off to some GGs, then so be it. I know there are some who like that in their mate. You say I've mastered being romantic, but I never felt as though this was something I needed to learn or to master--it's just how I've always looked at the world. Ugh! I should've been born in the early 19th century! The truth is, this is something about my character that makes me a bit of an outcast (as if CDing weren't enough!). You also suggest that I take the next step after that (you don't specify what that step may be). Again, though, beyond just being who I am (which I do), I don't know what extra step I can take. Hence, my current impasse. I'm ready to face the possibility that being who I am entails that there may be very few people out there who would consider me their ideal mate. Although I'm okay with that, it won't make me feel any less lonely.

Thanks for the wake up call, Beauty, and I do mean that! I don't know if it's a guy to guy thing or simply a person to person thing, but your wish for me to open my eyes and be more, I guess, realistic, in my attitudes is well taken. Still, this patience of mine has usually served me well enough in the past and I could no more cut it off from who I am than I could my right eye. At this point in my life, I'm just thankful that I haven't gone the way of the buffalo.

Again, mademoiselle, your input is always helpful and to the point. I thank you for that. You've given me much food for thought.

Love,
CJ

[Beauty]

Ahh! Christina! Bonjour!

Beauty,

You're so up front and I think that's so cool!

When I saw that you'd posted I was like, "Ok, either she's super p'd at me or I didn't come across mean. YAY!!! It was the latter

::Christina ducks as the violin heads her way::

Sorry!!! I meant to throw it, but not at you.

Seriously, thanks for your post. It's very much appreciated.

You're welcome!

I don't actually go out "hunting" for a GF and that's not really what my friends are suggesting I do; what they are suggesting (and what I should consider doing) is spending more time in places where the kind of gal I do find attractive may be hanging out--downtown cafés, bookstores, etc.

Just my opinion, but I think they are wrong, but are loving with their intentions. It's good to go there and learn how to talk to women, but meet some one there. That's like being hit by lightning. It happens to people over and over and over, but the odds are slim.

Part of my quandary is that I don't want the fact that I'm a CD to remain long hidden--I want this to be out in the open pretty much from the get go. This idea of "hunting" is precisely why I'm uncomfortable with online personals--people hunt there.

You said later in that post you've been patient. Be patient with telling her. You do need to say it close to the beginning, but if she's just going to be a friend you don't need to tell right away.

About the hunting posters. You're 100% on the money there. Some do hunt, but most are there because they want companionship. The squeakyist wheel theory applies here. Women get loud mouths and they get gentle and they get in between. Because they see both extremes they tend to know who's comfortable with themselves and they are attracted to them. From my experiences and asking the gals, "Why did you respond to me?" (after several talks first)

. . . I saw right away that these women sought a manly man, one that fits a very traditional mold, one I can't see myself fitting into.

You're right. Lots of them are thinking that's what they want, but that's what my wife thought and lots of SO's who are here thought they wanted too. What they truly would like is a little of both worlds. That's what we are.

Perhaps, I didn't phrase my despcription of myself clearly enough. For the record, this is what I'd written:

Yes you phrased it like I thought.

Sharp-eyed, lonely dragon soaring over hills and vales, in search of fulfilling, thirst-quenching contact. Friendship first with those for whom life, the world, and human nature are sources of joy and wonder.
Although some think me occasionally cynical, I have a well-rounded sense of humour (dusted with a light sarcasm) and I feel a profound link to the life around me and of which I am a part. A spiritual explorer, I have a lasting respect for the wisdom found in the traditions of the world's great cultures and civilizations. Attuned to the beauty of difference, I'm open, receptive, tolerant, cosmopolitan, and very much at ease with what is most human in us all. Somewhat of a loner, I nevertheless remain attentive to the pleasures a healthy social life has to offer. Having (being gifted with?) a fluid gender identity, I enjoy travelling along the rainbow of self-expression--both masculine and feminine. I'm fully fluent in the tongues of both Shakespeare and Molière. While free of any addiction to alcohol or drugs (with the exception of cigarettes), I nonetheless consider myself an "experience junkie," in that I actively court the unfamiliar and love to discover the mysteries of life as seen through the eyes of those around me.
My main goal in life? To never cease learning what it means to be.
My main goals on this network? To exchange, to discover, to forge bonds of friendship, to let myself be tamed, to see whether authenticity is possible online (yes, I have a doubt), and who knows? maybe even to meet a soulmate.
This is my first attempt at this kind of online contact. It remains to be seen whether or not it will lead to a friendly "talk to you soon."

I thought that was a lovely and accurate description of yourself, but because I know you I'd say that, but if I read that after not knowing you I wouldn't get your intended meaning. I'd be way shorter. There's no way any gal is going to read through that. I'm not saying take the essence out of it because it's important your personality to come through, but don't try to say everything about yourself. Leave some mystery. It's not like you're putting you're a CD'r in there, so it's truly not all that you are, n'est pas?

By the way, in reference to my earlier post, I use quotes when I say "she for whom I am meant" because I don't truly believe that there is only one such person.

No comment.

Perhaps, as Kersten suggested, I may be too narrowly focused (or, egad! self-absorbed).

but only loving supporting applause

I've started recently accepting invites from friends, especially from GGs aware of my situation, to attend get-togethers, potlucks, private parties, and such. I need to muster up all my energies for these types of affairs, though, as I'm not a particularly social gal (sociable, yes; social, no). I just remain open as much as I can.

BRAVO CHRISTINA!!! BRAVO!!!!

I'm also trying to be as honest as I can with myself; I'm trying to gauge whether or not my crossdressing (amongst other things) is making me feel inadequate as a potential BF more than it should or more than my own level of self-acceptance warrants. In other words, despite the confident image that I project, perhaps my degree of self-esteem isn't high enough for me to just go out there and be myself. Who knows? This is stuff I'm working on, right now.

That is the TOUGHEST part about dating someone when you're like us. Christina? What's a BF?

About being romantic, well, what can I say, Beauty? I really am... and that definitely is a part of who I am. If that's a turn-off to some GGs, then so be it. . . . . . I'm ready to face the possibility that being who I am entails that there may be very few people out there who would consider me their ideal mate. Although I'm okay with that, it won't make me feel any less lonely.

I took out the rest because you ever watch the awards show when the music starts playing before the speaker is done? Well, that's what happened when I read that in my mind. I would suspect that most of the CD'rs here are incredibly romantic because they are in touch with their female gender. If you read some SO posts they say they would recommend CD'rs because of our soft and romantic sides. I've read several posts on some women's boards about women who'll never date men again who aren't CD'rs because they lack that romantic side. I MADE myself not show my romantic side to my wife until I knew we were serious. I guess it worked, no?

I do think you're romantic, but because there are billions on this planet I dont' think your level of romantic is any different than the next, but it has it's own DNA and is unique and only belongs to you. That makes is beautiful. It doesn't mean that you should deny the fact that 99.9% of the women out there will get tired of it. What good is being romantic if it's with yourself? Sting said he was always miserable because he thought to write good songs he had to be alone. He learned that was actually unhealthy and kept him from being all of who he was.

Thanks for the wake up call, Beauty, and I do mean that! I don't know if it's a guy to guy thing or simply a person to person thing, but your wish for me to open my eyes and be more, I guess, realistic, in my attitudes is well taken. Still, this patience of mine has usually served me well enough in the past and I could no more cut it off from who I am than I could my right eye. At this point in my life, I'm just thankful that I haven't gone the way of the buffalo.

That was funny!!!

Again, mademoiselle, your input is always helpful and to the point. I thank you for that. You've given me much food for thought.

That's really cool Christina. I wouldn't advise anyone on anything I haven't done myself. If I do come over to strong it's because you sooo remind me of me when I was lonely and had everything to do with it.


Best of Luck!!!!!

(if love equals writing this knowing I'm going to be late, then I love you a lot!!! I'm sooo late)
Beauty

[CJ]

Hi all,

Beauty,

You make too much sense for my own good, sometimes!!! I read over what you wrote two or three times; you have this way of making me feel grounded (in the good sense of the word).

The responses I got to my profile text all mentioned that I sounded intriguing precisely because it made me seem mysterious. Although I do mention that I consider myself a transgendered person [Having (being gifted with?) a fluid gender identity, I enjoy travelling along the rainbow of self-expression--both masculine and feminine.], nobody that wrote back picked up on it (or, if they did, they didn't comment on it). The reason for which I want this out in the open at the outset (regardless of whether a woman remains merely a friend or becomes something more) should be obvious to anyone who goes to read the posts in the SOs section, right here, on this very forum. We've had our entire lives to adjust to who we are but, when an SO finds out, after x amount of months (or years even) that this, truly, is who we are, it's a major, major thing. Plus, I've always been upfront about this side of me. My friends know, my family knows, now some of my colleagues know, and, except for my very first GF, my SOs have always known. This gave them a chance to, at the very least, have some idea of what they were getting into (and, thankfully, few have regretted it).

What I hear from all quarters, including Cheryl's, is this: I should be a little more "proactive" in my desire to be someone's BF (boyfriend)--put myself out there a little more, send out more "attraction" signals to those who interest me. I hear you. Now, I just need to act. You're right, Beauty (as is often the case ); I shouldn't just be standing around waiting for lightning to strike. I should go out there and make some thunder of my own. I'll try to, anyway.

(Now Christina hears Yoda's small voice in her head: "Try? Try? Do. Or do not. There is no 'try.'").

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful input. I truly am grateful to have you gals in my life.

Love,
CJ

[Kersten Lee]

CJ,

One of my goals has been to appologize a lot less often. Now I will do it
twice already in one thread. Reading your last post I see you are looking
at our advice with a little humor, and possibly using those parts that
might work for you.

I wanted to say that Beauty was right at least about me. I was talking
from my newly accepted self. (transgendered). That probably is not a
good place to get dating advice. In fact My wife picked me 29 years ago
to marry.

Anyway, I do wish you the best of luck. The part you did pick up on
was probably the good portion. I have found the greatest happiness
in some places by accident, not by looking diligently. So I would still
say don't artifically limit the possibilities.

Kersten

[CJ]

Hi Kersten,

Thanks, girl, for the encouragement. I look forward to your input as much as anyone else's here.

(And if you apologize one more time, I'll grab the next flight out to Omaha so that I can turn you over my knee! )

Love,
CJ

[Jadeanne]

CJ,

I have a niece who met the man she married through the internet, but I'm not really close to her and don't know the details, so some opportunity might come through this avenue. I've only met him and talked briefly at a few family gatherings, but my impression is that he's a good man.

That's all I have to add, hope it may help a little.

Jadeanne