wife saw my photos

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Martine,

Certainly, people like to have easy explainations. There are boys and then there are girls, an emotional mix between the two is hard to explain for those that live it, much harder to understand for those that don't.

Katie's wife needs honest information and time to absorb it. That may not be enough though, she may never accept her man's dressing in any way, shape or form. Some relationships become stronger, most seem to become colder, or worse. Finding photos on an internet accessible device may one of the very worst ways to discover a CD hubby. A lot of trust issues to deal with besides the dressing part.

Women do not cross dress when wearing jeans and t-shirts. When I wear loose fitting jeans and a T or flannel shirt, it's for comfort. I do not bind my breasts, stuff a sock in my pants, hope to be called 'Sir', or use the men's washrooms. Seeing other men in public, I do not wish to be like them physically.
Neither am I some woodland creature that needs to be trained in order to accept that a long time spouse really likes to dress as a woman and never mentioned it all these years together.

Eileen

[Martine Amance]

Eileen,

I do not mean to be continuous but I must point out the history of fashion. Prior to World War II, women seldom wore pants, even on the farm (the farm population was approximately 50% of the US Census count). Pants were masculine, skirts and dresses were feminine. Now, women wear pants, albeit a more feminine version. T-shirts ere one the male prerogative and now we find it a unisex item. There are variations such as the French cuff for women but never found on a male version. Women have been cross dressing these past seventy years, that is a historical fact. One does not see dresses or skirts for men nor blouses with ruffles or sequins on men.

This does not mean that women aspire to become men. And not every male who cross dresses aspires to become a woman. When we look at fashion, men's attire is pretty drab, fairly standard and without a great deal of variation. When we look at women's fashion we see just the opposite. And should a woman take to literately wearing men's clothing nor is said against her. My god, what was the Annie Hall look all about? But should a man wear a dress or some other piece of women's clothing then he must be a pervert. Or at least according to the social mores of our society. So you see, the cross over in fashion is one way and that is the point I make. You need not agree but the evidence speaks for itself.

[Tanya Boucharde (SO)]

Martine - Wearing something that was traditionally only for the opposite sex does not make it crossdressing. By that logic half the NFL and NBA are crossdressing by wearing diamond earrings in both ears. Times change and standards change, that alone does not make it crossdressing. I saw a young man in the mall yesterday with a leather carrier bag. By my standards that is a purse, but I hardly would consider him a crossdresser.

Seems like you are also trying for force this into a "box". The only thing I can honestly say I have learned is that to try to understand my husband, I need to look beyond any and all rules.

Now, back to the topic at hand! I would always consider the dishonesty much worse than the desire to dress like a woman. If I can't trust my husband to be honest with me, what do we have? Nothing! And yes, we WILL find out eventually. Lie to me twice about something like this and I have to consider a change of direction for the future. Sure, finding out like that is a bit of a shock, and you should giver her time to come to terms, but honesty is key.

I also think it should come from you and not the internet. Most of what is found on the net when searching for crossdressing or transvestites will not help your case or to help her understand. She needs to hear it from you (in time) and she needs to know she can trust what you are telling her is the truth.

Tanya

[Eileen (SO)]

Thanks Tanya, for getting back on subject and not a history lesson on fashions. I thought I was on the wrong forum!
However, I'm still offended that to accept my husbands desire to dress as a woman, I should be fed some treat at the door step.
Martine, you're not helping with that inane logic. All those nights I laid awake and cried, why does this man I married do this to me? In the 1500's men wore codpieces. Try walking around with that today. I'll say again, women that wear jeans and t-shirts are not cross dressers. A cross dresser wants to portray as the opposite gender. This is not a fashion history forum.

Katie has a real problem, in the 21st century, dressing as female, and not for comfort or exciting colors. Katie's spouse has a right to be thoughly pissed off. Myself, I had suspicions over some time and first researches confirmed my worst fears that turned out to be untrue.
Katie does need to lay low for a while and slowly explain how the urge to portray as female can be satisfying for her emotional level.

I've gone through this. Finding out didn't change him, it changed how I look at him. He's still the guy I married, and would do it again. The extra personality has been a challenge, and kinda fun too!

Eileen

[Paulette]

This probably belongs in its own thread, but:

I feel that the major difficulty I've had as a husband who crossdresses, and simply as a crossdresser, is dealing with my own guilt and fear.

As a child I somehow knew it was okay to say you wanted to be a cowboy, but not a cowgirl. It was ok to pretend-play to be any number of things male, but nothing female. Wearing a toy holster was fine. Wearing a bra or panties was not. (I was not Aspie enough to think of it this literally, but I knew.)

As I child I accepted the values so plainly if covertly expressed around me. I grew into them and acted accordingly. Yet secretly, I dressed in my mother's clothing, and then raided neighborhood clotheslines to get my own female clothing. This is what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, and eventually I was caught and punished for it.

Guilt. It shaped my life, and made me hide my obsessions from the world and from myself. No amount of purging or psychotherapy, or drugs, or electro-convulsive shock cured me of crossdressing or of feeling guilty about it. It wasn't until my late 20s that I began to accept who and what I was, and purge the guilt.

Nevertheless I've told all three of my wives before we were married, and abided by their wishes about keeping it covered up. Only my current wonderful wife accepted my crossdressing. I'm sitting in the kitchen now, typing this while in a black satin camisol, bra, panties and women's tight jeans, while she scrapes the gunk off the base off an old cabinet with a wood chisel, next to me.

So when you first talk to your wife about it, you will probably feel that you are risking everything. Well, you are. But you don't need to feel ashamed or guilty. Crossdressing is quite natural and normal for many men, and Western society is slowly coming to accept that that's true. Your wife may need your help in understanding what it means and how it affects her and your relationship and how you will live your life together. That's fine. We are all on the cutting edge of change, and while that can be painful, it can also be a very fine place to be.

May your children someday be surprised to learn that you were once ashamed of being a crossdresser.

[Anthony Simon]

Thanks Tanya, for getting back on subject and not a history lesson on fashions. I thought I was on the wrong forum!...
women that wear jeans and t-shirts are not cross dressers. A cross dresser wants to portray as the opposite gender. This is not a fashion history forum.

A "woman who wears the trousers" is often used as shorthand for one who has reversed the traditional roles of male and female. This implies that there are traditional roles for men and women and parallel traditional dress codes and that they somewhat interpenetrate. That a woman who abandons a woman's dress code for that of a man is used as a shorthand for the the reversal of traditional roles suggests, contrary to your assertion, that there is both a crossdressing element to women wearing trousers and that the history of fashion is relevant here.

I'm not particularly convinced that CDing for men is equivalent to women wearing trousers, but there's some truth to the argument. In a general way, CDs only want to wear what women wear - or have worn. The history of fashion seems striking relevant to that.