I remember being about 5 to 6 yr old. My parents would put me to take a nap after lunch in my sister's room. That was terribly boring, I could not just go and sleep, so I started looking on things to have fun. I remember one afternoon opening a drawer and finding my sister panties. I tried them... for some reason I knew from my child conciousness I was doing something kind-of taboo. So I kept on repeating this game whenever I was sent to sleep. I kept it for my self. Years passed and then I forgot completely about this. But then when I became a teenager with all it's hormones and whillingness to know and understand, I started this games again with panties taken from my sister or mother. It was again that feeling of doing something forbithen, but so sexual, it was very stimulating for me, mixed with guilt. I also started playing to paint ma face in the fashion of Kiss Rock Band :D (yes... Im in my mid forties
). This was similar feeling, I did this sometimes when I was left alone. Then I forgot for most of university, military service, many years of sport and studing. Then went to live overseas and in my thirties, I met a girl for whom I felt maddly. She wouldn't correspond me and that was the first time I needed to crossdress in a manner I would say it was therapeutic for me. At that moment I wouldn't understand, I just thought I was going crazy from the disappointment, and I forgot about it again. crossdressing was limited to underwear and painting my lips. I rekon here to you, Im kind of hipersensitive on this subjects and I have spent a big part of my life learning on how to deal with this thing of disappointments.
So this similar scenario happened last year again, and crossdressing came almost as a compulsion. It was hard for me to understand why i needed to do that, but I started puting pieces of the puzzle together. I understodd this was a way of reliefing stress and grief, it was related to seeing my femenine side and acknowledging it... loving it, for it hides a trassure I believe now. Try to see it on me instead of proyecting all this awe onto others (real girls). (sorry if this is becoming too long). Why some of us do have this and others not? I dont know, may be is a gift?. I believe also now, that the worst thing I have done about this is try to deny it, cause I was afraid of becoming gay (with all my respect for gay people). By repressing this feeling it became part of my shadow and blocked a big part of my energy and my emotional development for so many years. creating problems that would reflect in the outside world.
So this time, with all the personal growth work I've done, I decided to embrace crossdressing and try to have fun with it. I still strugle on accepting it. Some days I love it, some days Im scared, its a new land I never thought I would step on. I do it only on time to time, may be lately Im quite devoted ... feeling like catching up :D :D :D. When I see me, I like me, and sometimes I really wish I would find a sexy girl like me :D :D :D I like may masculine side, as well, I did many years of martial arts and now adventure sport. If I am to have a partner I want it to be a women. ... well that´s it... sorry for the extension of the tale, It was like an statement of affairs
greetings
Eloise
