Struggling!!!!

[Miss Jo]

Around 5 months ago I told my wife about my crossdressing. At first she went ballistic about it. Then after a few weeks we had a chat about it in which she told me to do what will make me happy. She doesn't mind me crossdressing aslong as I dont do it in front of her. I was ecstatic of her partly accepting who I am. 5 months later ive been told its weird im weird and all the usual. ive been told i must be gay im cheating on her I want to leave her. None of which is true. Im cding less because of it all which is making me feel worse. My confidence is shot im on anti depressants. I feel all alone and I don't know what to do or say.

[Anne Bonny]

Well...how was your relationship before all of this? Do you love her, does she love you? Is there a commitment to your relationship, your marriage and life together? This is key...My wife used to tell me "You're stuck!" meaning she was not going to let me go no matter what and I felt the same way. You have told her....She has laid out a rule for you - do not dress in front of me. That is much less than ideal but it is something you can live with. Communication is extremely important. Sounds like you need to put on the breaks and begin to work on clarification, and understanding. You need right now to be the man she married and loved while at the same time when conditions present some opportunity to talk to talk around it or about it. Assure her you are only interested in women and that the thought of doing anything with a man makes you cringe (if it does). You need to assure her you are the same person she married and that clothing and these feelings you have do not alter who you are and have always been. Assure her you love her always have, always will. Assure her you will not go out or out yourself to work, friends, family, children or to anyone. That you will not go out in public or do anything she is not comfortable with but at the same time you need to explain that this is not a choice for you, who would choose this? That This is just part of who you are and always have been. Little snippets over a long long time perhaps a year or two when the time is right may begin to help her to understand, to relax, and if she truly does love you to accept all of who you are at some improved level of tolerence. Good luck.

[Anthony Simon]

It sounds like your wife is being consumed by her fears about the CDing and is unable to have you calm her down. One way out of the situation might be to see a therapist together.

Like a third, trustworthy, voice in the relationship might enable her to come to terms with what's going on.

[Eileen (SO)]

Miss Jo,

Your wife never accepted your Cd'ing. She said to do what you want to appease, till it bugged her too much. Some women will never understand or accept. Have you sought out other information to explain to her what and why you do this? Is there a CD support group near you? One thing to emphasize is that you are still the same man she has always known. Seeing a therapist might help, if the therapist is trained to deal with this issue. You wife might also see a therapist as a threat, the two of you forcing her to change her mind on what she believes as wrong behavior.

Eileen

[Anita]

Miss Jo--
It can be very lonely when you and your partner are at odds over something major like this. She sounds like she's devastated over how she perceives the situation, and how she perceives it has little or nothing to do with your behavior in the here and now. She's not seen you dressed, and she doesn't know that part of you at all. So she's imagined the worst-case scenarios.

I actually think it might be better if the therapist is not trained in this. Eileen writes:

You wife might also see a therapist as a threat, the two of you forcing her to change her mind on what she believes as wrong behavior.

So if your wife can see that the therapist does not have an agenda about this, she might be more willing to participate.

You may have to go through a hard time this week. Both you and your wife are upset, and the impulse is to want to start talking about it. In my experience, I've sometimes had to wait until the other person imagined their worst fears for a few days. At that point, they were also feeling very alone, and were willing to make moves to try and stabilize things. Before that, they didn't want to talk, maybe because they thought they'd heard everything already. Or maybe their fear and/or devastation level was so high that they couldn't imagine anything I could say that would make it better again. I know, that's not reassuring in the short run, but you may need to let her go through whatever she has to go through, alone. And you're alone, too, and you just have to wait it out. I hope you can begin to talk about it sooner than later.

It sounds like your wife was not satisfied with what she heard five months ago. So she has to be willing to hear at least some of it again, while also being open to new information. After all, you coming out to someone changes your experience of all this, too. It's not been part of the picture before.

[Davita]

Talk talk talk... but make no promises, but be reassuring. Don't explain something you don't understand either. Ask her what she wants to know and what she will trust as a source. DSM found familiar? Gawd forbid she reads the wrong sections though.

Have you told her how alone you are feeling now? How much you miss her being loving etc?

[Gillian]

Never underestimate the fear factor. People who are fearful do not respond well to what they are afraid of. Think about an animal that gets cornered, they will lash out at and bite anything that comes near.

Quote; "Then after a few weeks we had a chat about it in which she told me to do what will make me happy." When my wife says something like that it is usually not a true answer. Two phrases come to mind, "do what will make you happy", and "what ever". If one of these two comes out of my wife's mouth, alarm bells ring in my head.

This issue has been brooding in her head for about 5 months, and these comments have still not told you exactly what is going on up there. From the comments we can only make a good guess. Some serious open communication needs to happen, you need to find out what it will take to get it started.

[Sarah Beth]

This sounds so familiar to me. I heard all those things from my wife including some other things all those years ago when she first found out. What I didn't understand then that I do now is that people have a huge fear of the unknown. Particularly when something or someone they thought they knew turns out to be different from what they believed.

It is, I think, a natural reaction on her part, to have that fear and to have those thoughts go through her mind. At this point all you can do is try to talk her about it and try to reasure her that you are still you that you are not wanting to leave her for someone else, that both sides of you love and want to be with her.

There are forums and guides along with books out there you could suggest she read to help her understand. The DSM was suggested in another post, not everyone knows what that is but it is more written for the profession counselor and while it could be helpful its not something I would suggest as strongly as some of the books written by wives of cd's.

The big, I believe, is and always will be communication. No one can tell her more about what you feel and how you want things to be between the two of than you can.

It was very hard for me to convince my wife that I didn't want to go off somewhere and be woman and go through life without her. It took some years to convince her that is was a part of me I wanted to share with her. Still sometimes even now after all these years we have to have some communication about it, clear the air talks. Like why when my work shoes are coming apart I bought a pair of heels instead of work shoes.

[Miss Jo]

Hi everyone thank you so much for your replies. Communication seems to be the answer here which unfortunately is my bad point. Im terrible at getting my point across. Which does tend to cause more arguments. Though at the same time I don't think my wife is open to the idea of trying understand. Thank you for your help I have certainly learnt alot thank you x

[Eileen (SO)]

Possibly, Miss Jo, you need to educate yourself, before trying to explain to your wife. She feels frightened of what may happen next and betrayed she did not know all along. Take her strongest objections one at a time, focus on a single issue and dispel with stereotypes.
Best of luck.

Eileen

[Anne Bonny]

When I was at that stage with my wife - seven years into our marriage it does impact the trust issue, betrayal, we are "the other woman" sounds kind of strange but that is how my wife saw it. It took a year of so, of course not pushing the issue. but when the time was right I would use an opportunity to talk around an issue. like I am the same person you married...or I am not gay, I do not want a sex change...I can't help being this way, I tried and struggled for years but this is how I am, it is part of who I am as a full person. things like that. My conversations were just snippets here and there very short, not all at once and if I sensed I should stop I stopped. You cannot tell her, you have to dispel as Eileen says. You have to accept her ground rules and obey. This is something that cannot be forced or demanded. The hope is in time she will come to understand that you have these feelings and need to dress. You can still do it when she is not around, the hope is that she will come to accept it and will at least allow you to do so now that she knows even if it is when she is out of the house, and that you will not go out, and if she can feel safe that you can be discrete so that no one knows but you two then that may be the best you can expect but it could turn out better than that as the years go by and she feels more comfortable.

[Ralitsa]

I agree with what was said about not telling her, or trying to convince her to accept it. Of course she doesn't want to argue about it and probably already feels under pressure to accept something she hasn't worked out for herself yet. I would suggest that you just listen and not try to "explain it". Guys always think they can explain everything and must have all the answers and they just need to find the right things to say. Maybe instead of trying to convince her that she is wrong about all those ideas you could let her tell you why she believes that. You might be unintentionally doing something that gives her that idea and it would be useful for you to know that.

[Paulette]

Ralitsa said: "I would suggest that you just listen and not try to "explain it". Guys always think they can explain everything and must have all the answers and they just need to find the right things to say. Maybe instead of trying to convince her that she is wrong about all those ideas you could let her tell you why she believes that."

There are all kinds of examples of men "explaining" themselves, usually badly or to their own detriment. Among feminists "mansplaining" is what happens every time a woman speaks - some man feels he can express her concerns more completely and accurately. It's also often seen as excusing yourself - after all, your reasons are so clear and reasonable, how could anyone not agree, understand, and forgive?

Let her speak, and then wait a day to comment, if you must respond. And then begin by paraphrasing what she said and asking if that's what she meant.

The explanation rarely given, but which I find most healing is "This is not something new. I've been this way - a cross-dresser - all my life. When we met and courted. When we married. Through the birth and upbringing of our children. I loved you then and now, and you loved me."

And most of all, let her vent. She probably doesn't want an explanation. She may just want to unloose and share her fears and frustrations, and her anger. It doesn't need a response, but it may need a quiet, silent acceptance, from you. A long, tender hug might be nice, too.

If you listen carefully (again, without trying to respond or explain) you may notice that her fears become modified - over time they become more specific or generalized. The emotion may shade into regret, or sadness. Go with it, and offer a long hug and a long and deep look into her eyes (that's 'female' for I understand and accept your pain.) But don't try to fake it if you don't feel it or don't understand her pain.

If you feel more threatened than understanding, don't push for forgiveness or understanding. At this point it's your job to understand her. You've had all you life to come to terms with yourself. This is brand new to her, and may be totally outside of her range of experience. Give her time. And love.

[Anne Bonny]

Those are very good tips. Listen ... paraphrase ... clarify ... seek to understand empathize what she may be feeling ... hug with empathy or compassion and time. Part of us goes beyond the experience of most. I suppose it is with a hope she will see and accept that though we are not typical yet overall we are really no different we are strong, stable, and we love them. I like that advice. We cannot be something we are not but we are really not any different on the important things in life and relationships. We want love just like anyone else.

And clarify is not our explaining it is our listening to her and if needed dispelling or addressing her statement as that is true, or providing true information. Like I suppose if it is true, we could say "that's right" or if it is a fear on something specific we could say it could be that way but ... there could be a thousand assurances or responses to any of many different fears and statements she could make. I myself am trying to learn and understand this. It is something I had not thought about.