Thoughts? thought I would share from my diary

[Anne Bonny]

I really believe men, just like women should be able to wear whatever they want to or feel like wearing and if putting of a beautiful and comfortable dress, some make up and nail polish and pretty jewelry makes you feel terrific on a particular day why should you not be able to do that? Either around the house, or if you have the boldness and brazen-ness to do so and want to - go right out that door into the sun and drive to the mall or out to eat or to go anywhere you desire if it that is what you want to do? Is this obscene? Is this immoral? Is this perverted? Hell I saw can't remember her name but she was at the academy awards in a full suit - coat and tie with slacks - why do women get to do this and men are ridiculed, mocked, scorned and emotionally battered back behind the closed doors of their home? It is not right. I mean a skirt or dress actually is better for a man's fertility because they are cooler and things arn't held so snugly.

I know this is distasteful and disgusting but I am a transvestic fetishist which means the desire to dress comes over me and then soon after a desire to obtain a "fix" which once completed ends the desire, I see it all in a correct frame of mind as silly, not making any sense because I am a man and so I change right back into male mode. Now If i deny my desire for a quick fix - yes mastribation - ok - then I stay dressed much longer, hours or until I need to change out of necessity due to family and or society or just because I want to. This desire to crossdress also fluctuates may not
hit me every day, or may skip a day or go for a much longer indefinite period - months, a year perhaps.... From life experience I know that I am a transvestite (cross dresser) and will live and die one it is just who I am.

Now one thing I do like about dressing for longer periods is that the clothes begin to feel more like clothes. They are not indecent or immoral they fully and decently cloth my body as well as they do for any woman. I am not one but I suppose I am starting to ramble now so I will quit it is my endless desire and fascination and love of being able to wear women's clothes that does bring joy to my life and hope that one day the world will finally get over it.

Seems to be another morning where my mind is thinking about all of this while I am caring for my wife and I find myself running in here to add another thought. This time the thought is that we need to dress for longer periods, and that this should be fully accepted by all who are around us (our "family") so that our dressing is incorporated into and becomes part of our everyday life so we dress without any thought about it that is how it should be. We should not be making small cowering forays in the dark while we are shaking afraid of our deepest darkest secret being discovered and ruining our life forever. No, we should just be able to live and be who we are celebrated for being who we are as a family member and not for what we happen to be wearing but for our personality and individual and unique qualities that make us who we are. Why do we have to think about dressing or not dressing or dressing period - we shouldn't and that is an important thought.

We will probably never understand how or why about any of this so I accept that we just are. The second quetsion is simi linked to this erotic component why do we desire a quick fix? I think in my case I know I am a man through and through, but I do think that in the context of a loving relationship I believe I would find it easy at times to support my wife easily in a kind of a "husband like status" would enjoy being led and not having to make every decision, and submitting to her seductions. These things are controversial but most women though they would state that is what they want - do the opposite of that but achieve the same end in the end. That is why we teasingly call them "Admeral" or "Boss" because they wrap us around their little finger and in fact frequently are the true leader in the family - I suppose they are kind of hostile to a man who would use the same technique - they know they already have true power over us but let us think we are in charge though we really arn't at all. If that is the case then why the hell do they object to us wearing dresses, skirts, and other feminine clothes?? Do they become kind of a power suit? Nah...They want a regular guy, but I am not quite that obviously. hum....

Oh, why the fix...I think perhaps humiliation?? or submission appeals to me at some level...hum....

HO!!!!! Hit me like a 2X4! there is risk, and fear and an enjoyment of the thrill, this is on a much milder level but is definitely akin to the pleasure thrill seekers obtain from things like base jumping, bungie jumping, Sailing the ocean, snow and skate boarding and other dangerous activity - It makes us feel alive and it is extremely pleasurable. We need it, we need out fix. And perhaps when denying the instant gratification of a quick fix we forgo that and remain dressed perhaps the entire day we obtain another kind of gratification that is also pleasurable and satisfying that we can live it as a slow burn experience and just enjoy it all day long - slow and steady wins the race kind of idea...hum...

OK, next thought...Risk, and fear are we afraid? what are we afraid of, OR is it just a thrill, a pleasure. No doubt thrill and pleasure hit the pleasure centers of a cross dresser's brain that is as basic as first year biology and Pavlov's dogs drooling. OK but Fear and afraid of what of staying that way?? "Don't pick your nose or it will stay that way!" Eyes open wide and the finger comes out! Afraid of a permanent status change? We can leave and get away from any situation no that's not it. Fear of flying, fear that we want to be female? fear that we are really gay? But none of these are causes of fear at least not anymore in today's world.

Perhaps it all comes down to the strong stimulation of the pleasure centers of our brain, like the rat who forgoes food to repeatedly stimulate his pleasure center. We are smarter than those white lab rats but we do return to all of this over and over and over again. Perhaps it is true We have been conditioned by millions upon millions of stimuli throughout our lifespan so much so that we are indeed stuck on this. I suppose if they could remove the apporpriate part of our brain we would then become "normal" again or whatever society calls it. But that ain't happnin' so this is normal for us.

THAT'S IT! I'VE GOT IT! And I come full circle...If we could just get up in the morning man or woman and just get dressed there would be no risk, there would be no fear, there would be no thrill, no element of danger or reason to be afraid anymore we would just be dressed so perhaps the cause of our dressing can be blamed squarely on society itself with it's artificial rules for those who do not fit the arbitrary rules laid out for us. You know...I think I am satisfied with that answer, it is most convincing. Were there no condemnation and full acceptance we would dress anyway and there would be absolutely no drive to find a fix which is fear of being outed to the world because that would no longer exist we could just be who we are. Come to think of it we are free to be who we are now if our hide is thick enough.

[Gillian]

We are two peas in a pod! Cut from the same cloth! You are preaching to the choir, I'm the one right next to you! I couldn't have said it better! I guess you are getting the point.

First off, whether we admit it or not, it is a man's world. Hence having a woman wanting to be like a man makes sense to the world. Where as a man wanting to be like a woman doesn't make sense, kind of like wanting to take a couple of steps backwards. If it helps any, the way fashion is going skirts/kilts may be common as casual mens wear in 20 or so years. I really believe that.

Ok, so you still like to play with yourself, so do the other 99% of the male gender. The other 1% are in denial, lying, or can't anymore for some medical reason. You just happen to have this quirk that sets you apart. SO WHAT! Do you want to know what normal is? "Normal is what you get when you adjust for all the quirks that everyone has". No quirks, no fringe, no spice, no panache, this is boring!

Any fetish Cd dresser should be able to think back to when it all started for them. Then they should be able to see how the ruts got started and how deep they got over time. Some would say, "just don't do it anymore", well I don't know about you, but my rut walls are over 10ft tall now and I don't have a ladder. Not sure I want one either. I can't change the past, and I can easily become a victim of my future, if I let it! My point, spend your time doing what you can to be a better person, as in loving, caring, compassionate, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, peaceful. If you do these, noone will care what the color of your panties are, or whether you are in a skirt!

One thing in my life is having a sense of balance. It is good to know how far is far enough. Lab rats will push the buttom stimulating their pleasure center to the point of killing themselves, but we should be smarter than that. With what you are going through right now, it doesn't surprise me at all to hear about your emotional rollercoaster ride. Do the best that you can, don't beat up on yourself, and work at getting that balance in you life.

Change the things that you can, accept the things that you can't, and have the wisdom to know the difference.

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks Gillian...Actually I am male through and through, I know this, and am usually dressed completely male which is good but then out of the blue comes this desire and there I am, I suppose I am glad I have a pretty nice female wardrobe with a choice of things to wear, make up, jewelry, shoes... and sometimes it can be all over inside of an hour, but sometimes it can go on much longer. I do think my life is balanced. I am a very organized and deliberate person, very responsible, even use an inventory which I keep on my desk top and print out each week for our groceries. Keep a spreadsheet for income, and a ledger for bills along with a small ring binder to record all purchases so I know where I am with the budget, etc. So...Sometimes I enjoy moving in a feminine direction with my fashion choices - not really a big deal. I am the weight I am supposed to be and have been running and doing my pre retirement sit ups and push ups and toe touching. It is great to feel good and have all the old energy, I feel I have reclaimed a few years, even dyed my hair the color it used to be, and plan to maintain that too, until I have to start using touch of grey I mean no one with a face like a mastiff should dye their hair at all but I have some good years left before that happens to me.

[Gillian]

Gee Anne, you sound like my identical twin sister/brother from a different mother!

Quote; "but then out of the blue comes this desire and there I am", I think that is what alot of us refer to the "pink fog" rolling in! With the libido not being what it used to be, my time dressing has now streched out to 2 to 4 days most of the time, where it was once no more than 1 to 4 hours. Frankly I like the 2 to 4 days now, the longer is better as it has a more long term calming effect on me. Ok, I admit it, I have this quirk for lingerie, not looking at it, but wearing it!

One of my motto's in life is, "everything has a place and everything is in it's place". I have check lists for everything, over the years my wife has embraced the check list method also. Who says that you can't train a wife, tongue in cheek, lol.

Be encouraged, enjoy your girl time, or what ever you call it, but do your best to enjoy life however it is dished out to you.

[Anne Bonny]

Pink Fog...yeah I suppose so, whatever it is I know I will always enjoy dressing like a girl from time to time. I would never ever purge, did that once in my life, didn't work, now I am wiser. I am a transvestite and as we all know we cannot explain ourselves we just are what we are and at times enjoy identifying with the feminine world of fashion. I believe we truly believe in equality because we want to live it. I love Amazon, and shopping online it has allowed me to have everything I want without having to build up the nerve to shop openly in women's isles and clothes and then stand in line in front of other men and women holding dainty items, or make up etc... Any woman who would date me or perhaps even become my new life partner after my wife passes will definitely have to be as accepting as my wife's sitter is. I have to say I am completely comfortable around her because she is non judgemental, and completely matter of fact and accepting of this part of who I am. She knows it does not define me, and is only a small part of me but it is definitely part of me.

I love silky lacy things that have a little weight and quality too. My new dress works well with the slip I purchased a while back, nylon just floats over a woman's body just as Johnny Depp states as Don Juan del Marco - funny movie but getting a little old.

And about obtaining a "fix" not to use the gross term.... I will never have sex again with my wife, she has Alzheimer's Dementia or some form of Dementia if not that in actuality and we are entering the 7th or 8th year with her in the later stages of this horrible condition. We have not had sex going on 4 years now. I could not and would not because that side of her is gone forever, she cannot express a desire or even participate and for me that would be on a level of necrophilia and be completely abhorrent and disgusting at the same level as having sex with another man would be to me - shivering revulsion and disgusting!!! That being as it is ...Sex is part of a healthy life. I would never dishonor my marital vow what good am I if I have no honor? What am I to do? So for now I look on my need for sex like that. And I do not masturbate sickening word for pleasuring and fantasizing every day, or every time I dress up in women's clothing but it is frequent - not having sexual release is not healthy. To say we are supposed to have the moral fiber to abstain completely from sex when we cannot be with a woman (or some one of the same sex for those who desire that) is something I just cannot do. I cannot abstain from wearing women's clothing and identifying with them and I cannot abstain from not having sexual release in some way if I have no partner anymore for this part of life. I see it matter of factly as just another part of life. It does not mean I have no character, or morals, standards. I am and have been faithful to my marriage and these old fashioned fibers in my personality also extend to how I approach dating and women in general. Outside of a serious relationship which might lead to marriage I would not practice promiscuous sex with the opposite sex.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Ladies -

It has come to my attention that this subject matter is currently being discussed in Anne Bonny's diary { http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 64&t=15147" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; }.

Therefore, this is considered a duplicate subject and it is now locked.



- SL