Telling my Counsellor (not sure how).

[JayDee]

After bottling things up and denying my feelings for many years I got to the point where I couldn,t cope much more so after visiting my doctor I was referred for counselling.

Tomorrow I am going to visit my counsellor for the second time,the first time I went I just talked about my past and how I was brought up and about things which I feel have contributed to the reason that I found myself suffering from depression.

The only thing I did not talk about was my crossdressing which I had decided I wasn,t going to bring up.However as I was sitting there talking to the counsellor I realised that by not discussing my crossdressing then I was actually avoiding the biggest and most contributary factor in the depression and mixed bag of emotions that I have suffered for many years.

The problem I have is that I have no idea how to approach the subject,I have never told anyone except my wife and basically am scared to death of saying the words for fear of the reaction I may get.Whilst I know that counsellors are trained to expect things like this I am still scared to come clean,I know it has taken such a long time to tell my wife but realise things will only get better if I face them.

Most importantly to me is to stop the feelings I have of being ashamed of what I am and know that to move on the next step is to tell my counsellor everything in order to deal with it.

Has anyone else had this problem to face and how did you all overcome it.

[Loretta Ann]

Hi JayDee

Most importantly to me is to stop the feelings I have of being ashamed of what I am and know that to move on the next step is to tell my counsellor everything in order to deal with it.

I have never seen a counselor about my cross-dressing, and do not now feel guilty or ashamed. He or She may well be able to help you, but it is a place where each one of us has to get too, and all a good counselor can do is lead you in that direction.

I don't think that a counselor has any more information about this subject, than what the girls have already posted on this forum.

I think it is very important that you prepare your self for the possibility that your counselor may not be able to deal appropriately with this issue. Perhaps your first objective should be to try and find out how your counselor feels about cross-dressers before you risk an unpleasant experience, that could harm you.

Wishing you the best.

[Beauty]

Hi JayDee,

That's a great question. To be honest, I wouldn't tell a male counselor. I know that makes me someone who discriminates, but I just wouldn't want to tell a man about my CD'ing.

I've only told women counselors. I felt that telling them was like telling a sister. It would have also been easier if she couldn't deal with it.

If you do have a female counselor, I say, just blurt it out. I'm pretty sure she'll know how to handle it. The guy therapists do too, but I also only choose female primary care givers too. So, I guess I'm biased there. :: insert halo ::

It really is a personal decision, but you're right. You've gone this far. This is a HUGE step, so you might as well tell it all. I don't think you'll reap the true benefits of therapy unless you're completely open about who you are.

Lastly, CDing and repression of CD'ing is probably a major part of why you want to talk to someone else, but you also will need to sort other things out too. After talking about your CD'ing there may be other things that you want to work out.

Regardless, I truly wish you the best.

Beauty

[Virginia]

JayDee,
Honey, we have a gift, the abiltiy to crossdress is unique to us. I will try and be brief and I can only give you my position. First, go to this website and read this: "Jung's Anima Theory and How it Realtes to Crossdressing."
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm
Crossdressing is NOT something that you can be cured of. It can be repressed and a lot of our brethren are able to repress/surpress it all the way to their grave. Most of us who have come out are all the better for it. It gives us insight into "our feminine side." This not only benefits us but hopefully gives us more insight into (in your case and mine and others) our wives. I can only speak for my self, but where I am at in this "Magical Mystery Tour" is now when I look into the mirror I no longer see a guy in a dress, but I see "Deborah." She has her own desires and I am attempting to merge our personalitites. Sounds "weird" but once you reach that stage it all makes sense. As for the counselling my wife asked me to go so to appease her I did. I just flat out told the guy, I am happy with who I am, I am not the least bit embarrassed and for all I know you may be wearing women's clothing under your suit!.
Don't be ashamed of your gift! Cherish it, learn about it and when possible share it! It is well worth it!!
Hope you will let us know how it goes.
Deborah

[Loretta Ann]

Beauty wrote

It would have also been easier if she couldn't deal with it.

That one is new to me, never heard that before. I would like to understand, could you please elaborate?

[Celia]

My experience with therapists with regard to crossdressing has been largely positive, JayDee; but wear a pair of running shoes to the session so that you can make tracks in case your counselor turns out to be the kind of bent quack who's intent on "curing" gender variance.

Yours,
Celia

[JayDee]

Thanks for all the response,I guess I had already made up my mind to confide in the counsellor I just needed a bit of help as to how to approach it.

Deborah wrote

First, go to this website and read this: "Jung's Anima Theory and How it Realtes to Crossdressing."

Thank you I have read that article and it has given me a good insight.

Beauty wrote

Lastly, CDing and repression of CD'ing is probably a major part of why you want to talk to someone else, but you also will need to sort other things out too. After talking about your CD'ing there may be other things that you want to work out

You are right I do have other things to work out and I have mentioned those things to the counsellor but my crossdressing is my biggest factor but one which I am most worried about confiding to someone other than my wife.

I was considering printing out my introduction which I recently posted on the new members forum and giving it to my counsellor http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... php?t=1017

I thought that this could maybe explain everything I would struggle to say out loud.
My only problem is whether this would be sharing too much information too soon.

[Jessie]

Hey JayDee

I have seen my theropist 4 times so far. The next time I see I am planning on bring up my CDing as way of being more open with him. I really like talking with him which I think is really important in a theropist or counseler. Just remmeber they can only make suggestions it is up to you to dignoses what they tell you. and if there good it will not be very cryptic.

Jessie

[Sally]

Hello Jaydee,

The first step in healing depression is to confront the facts, identify the causes and then find the best possible way to work through it all to the best conclusion for yourself. We do at times need someone to help us do this and there comes a time where we have to bite the bullet and put our hand up. The door to help is always open but it's only us who can walk through it.

I might suggest this for you to think over. Why not approach your counsellor and tell him you are aware of the major cause of your depression, also tell him that you are also aware that not all people are comfortable with what is causing your depression and if he's not comfortable with it then you'll understand and maybe he can refer you to someone who is better equipped to deal with your problems. That then gives him an easy out if he wishes, with the minimum of fuss. If he says after you reveal to him that he can cure you, then walk away, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Though, nn all liklihood after you reveal to him, he will prove to be the person you have been seeking to help you and you'll wonder why you got yourself in such a state about talking to him regarding your crossdressing, because crossdressing is nothing to be ashamed of, it's a perfectly natural thing for millions upon millions of people around the world to do.

When we get depressed or anxious we think negative thoughts about ourselves and we harbour thoughts such as, Nobody likes me, The worlds against me, Things will never improve, People will never accept me, I'm incompetent, Nobody can help me etc etc. Negative thinking makes us vulnerable to depression so we need someone to help us recognise all the unhelpful thoughts and replace them with positive realistic thoughts. Everyone at some time experiences problems and stressful situations, it's nothing to be ashamed of, we just need to learn to think rationally about the common everyday life difficulties which may arise from time to time, due to who we are.

It's virtually impossible for us when we get depressed to work through it by ourself, we need someone to help identify the exact problems that are worrying and distressing us and to help us find the options available so we can deal with it all. Sometimes the heart of the problem is not exactly what we thought it was. We also need someone to help us take control of our problems so we can effectively deal with any future problems which will arise from time to time.

When we're depressed we are more easily upset by the comments of others or what we perceive as to what others may think of us, consequently we feel that others are against us and so we can cut ourself off from contact with people. Without appropriate help we can reject help from people close to us which can also damage friendships or family relationships. We then lose our ability to be assertive which leads to us being unable to stand up for our rights.

Being assertive and standing up for our rights includes the right to have our opinions and beliefs, the right to say yes or no, the right to express our feelings, the right to make our own decisions and to live the life we want to and need to, etc etc.

Sometimes we have no other alternative than to involve others to help us find solutions to deal with our problematic depressions. Depression is more than just a state of mind, it can evolve into a terrible illness if not treated, sometimes we just do have to bite the bullet, take the bull by the horns and walk through that door for help. Remember your counsellor can't hurt you, all the doubt is in your mind and he can't help you unless you lay it all out for him, that's what he's there for and that's what he's charging you good money for. Look at him as a friend, not the enemy, replace the negative with the positive and then you have taken the first step out of the dark towards the sunshine.

Remember this, it wasn't a conscious thought that one day you suddenly decided you were going to become a crossdresser, it's all just how it is, there's nothing we can do about it and do we really want to? I wouldn't change who I am for all the tea in China, I just want the rest of the world to realise that crossdressers aren't any different to anyone else, they just like to dress different to some people. Being born a crossdresser or anything else is no different to being born with fair or dark hair, brown or blue eyes, black or white skin, tall or short, it's all just how it was meant to be, we had no say in all these matters so why should we feel guilty or ashamed. I can't think of one good valid reason, can you?

I wish you well with it and please, think positive and positive things will happen for you . One thing you can always rely on is the fact you are not alone, we are a family, there is as much support as you do or don't want, hands are always extended, you just have to reach out and grasp them if you need to.

My Kindest Regards.

Sally.

[Beauty]

Hi JayDee,

Wow. That's great that you'd take your beginnings story. That's a great idea.

Hi Darlene,

I don't know. lol.. I never thought about why I think that it would be easier to be rejected by a female counselor?

Good luck JayDee!!!

Beauty

[Lorna]

Hi Jaydee,

Just like Deborah said, this is a gift. It is a very unique gift that only a small percentage of males have the ability to enjoy.

But the bottom line is that it is very important that you get your feelings out there in the open. Do not keep them bottled up inside. Holding it all in has never been beneneficial to anyone in the history of humankind.

(Forgive me girls, but I am about to play Devils Advocate...) I honestly feel that you should just tell the counselor. Also include your feelings on the matter and don't leave anything out. I honestly believe that a professional is trained to deal with the topic of CDing on a more objective level than say, a spouse, family member or friend. They are trained to deal with all aspects of feelings and I am certain that she/he had had at least one or two people talking about CDing at one point or another. But like the other gals mentioned, we can't rule out the possibilty of the counselor being nothing more than a "Dr. Phil" reject. Unfortunately it's a risk you may very well have to take. But that's what life is all about. Nothing in this world is easy.

I also want to congratulate you for setting a goal for yourself - that you no longer want the feelings of shame. You want to someday look upon CDing as the wonderful gift that it is. This is indeed a positive step.

Good luck to you, hon. We're all here for you. Please keep us posted!

*hugs*

[RikkiOfLA]

Excellent post, Lorna!

What you said is very logical. I just want to underscore it by ranting,

IF THE COUNSELOR HAS A HARD TIME WITH YOUR CDING, GET A NEW COUNSELOR!

[Lorna]

Excellent post, Lorna!

What you said is very logical. I just want to underscore it by ranting,

IF THE COUNSELOR HAS A HARD TIME WITH YOUR CDING, GET A NEW COUNSELOR!

Why thank you Rikki! As for the counselor, what else can I say but AMEN!

[CJ]

Hi all,

JayDee,

Just thought I'd chime in on this one, too. My sisters here have already given you a lot of sound advice and roads to follow (or, at least, reflect upon).

I only wish to highlight something pointed out in the replies above; counsellors and therapists are trained to deal with disclosures on the part of their clients in the most objective manner possible (of course, that doesn't always prevent their own values from interfering with the therapeutic aims of the services they offer you). Although there may develop a very "friendship-like" amity between the two of you, your therapist is not your friend--nor should he (or she) be. The great advantage of confiding in therapists is knowing that, aside from their training in the mechanics of the mind and the subtleties of the soul, their ability (more of a field requirement, actually) to remain as objective and dispassionate as possible is, precisely, what enables them to give you a more detached view of what's going on in your mind and in your life--a fresh perspective, if you will. "Dispassionate" doesn't mean uncaring or without some sympathy, by the way; it simply means that, because they're not as emotionally entangled with you as are, say, friends or family members or spouses, you need not fear as much the possibility that they will judge you or try to change you in ways you don't want to change. If they do this, they're not very good counsellors; seek therapy elsewhere.

One more thing. If I may use a current affairs analogy, intelligence-gathering agencies surrounding president Bush allegedly failed to adequately inform him of the situation, preventing him from responding appropriately; in the same way, if you wish to truly enable your counsellor to give you the help you need, you absolutely have to lay all your cards on the table, so to speak. Maybe not all in one sitting, but early on in your relationship with him (or her). Otherwise, you're wasting both your counsellor's time and yours (as well as your money, too).

If your depression is severe enough, consider medication as a medium-term enabler while you develop a trusting bond with your counsellor. Anti-depressants will, at the very least, help you get going again, even though self-knowledge (through whatever means you find suitable) and self-acceptance are the better bulwarks against the grey waves of depression (which, when not "situational," is often tied to issues of self-esteem). Again, consult your doctor about this possibility.

As others have said already, I think you'll find much support right here, in our little community of fellow travellers on this road. Take what you need in the experience, warmth, generosity of spirit, and hard-gained wisdom you'll find in these pages and hold it close to your heart. It may just help you in this dark time. I know it has helped me more than I can say.

Love,
CJ

[JayDee]

Well I went and like I mentioned further up in this post I decided to print of the post I had written in the new members forum and take it with me.

After a brief explanation I handed it to her and waited whilst she read it.
She wasn,t shocked or didn,t show it if she was and seemed if anything very willing to help me.

If I am honest then I knew I would have to tell her and really wanted to,it was just the how that I was stuck on.

CJ Wrote

If your depression is severe enough, consider medication as a medium-term enabler while you develop a trusting bond with your counsellor. Anti-depressants will, at the very least, help you get going again, even though self-knowledge (through whatever means you find suitable) and self-acceptance are the better bulwarks against the grey waves of depression (which, when not "situational," is often tied to issues of self-esteem). Again, consult your doctor about this possibility.

I have actually been taking Anti-Depressants since november when I went to see my doctor whilst I was at my lowest point.I am in no doubt that without them I would have never got to this point at which I am able to talk openly without turning into a blubbering wreck.At the time I first approached my doctor I was being quite obsessive and irrational however I was not being honest with anybody then so could not explain why I was in such a state.