Seems I will never allow myself to be free!

[Anne Bonny]

Damn. If I am stuck in the closet I have only myself to blame. Here I am fully enfemm (wonder if this term dates me?) in reasonable comfortable feminine attire for a Sunday afternoon at home. pale yellow polo, jean skirt. My favorite ballet flats. Appropriate undergarments, make up and jewelery, even my wig! I am comfortable and I could easily stay this way all the way to bedtime tonight when I pull on my nightgown...But. But I know one of my sons will come home soon and although I have told both of them about my dressing in women's clothing for some reason I feel I should not do this around them. Their mother is in the late stages of dementia and I am the only remaining fully functional parent, their Father. One is 21, one 18 and it is not like they could not handle it but not in front of their friends who are as likely to show up with them at any moment just as they are as likely to just drive up alone. I have make this mental jail for myself I have the key in my mind. I know I think what is right, probably why I am not dressing in front of them but perhaps I am completely wrong.

[Davita]

Anne, did you tell the kids not to tell their friends? Who knows, maybe some know now. You could ask; then you know more of what you're up against and can gage the possible consequences. Also, since the kids know, have you asked them if they show up without warning, would they be okay having you caught in a dress? If they say no, then all you need to do is ask they call with enough time for you to change. More importantly, don't just walk in. With my mom, she had to learn to ring the door bell and asked to come in and if I said wait a second, then she knew I was changing.

Work it out with the kids and expect a goof now and then. As long as everyone understands what's going on, then it will work out no matter what. The kids are old enough to understand the importance of the rules.

[Gillian]

Having read most of your posts over recent memory, I have great empathy for you and your situation. There are times that CDing seems like a monkey on your back, then there are times it seems like this joyful bliss. How you feel about it is based on the state of mind that you are in. I have met many people that are prisoners and have never been to jail, because it is a state of their mind. How do we change our state of mind? To me the first step is to accept the things that I can not change, then change the things that I can. If you want to escape the CD life style, it may be more a matter of timing, than will power. CDing can be a great stress relief for many of us and you are in the midst of alot of stress, I can only guess what you are going through with a wife in decline due to dementia. You need to find your balance, get into that spot where you can get your stress relief, without it spilling over into your children's lives. There is no shame in seeing a therapist, some one who can help you determine where you fit on the gender map, not to mention having an ear who will listen to you. If you are like many of us, you are just this guy that likes to wear different clothes from what many guys wear. So what, I know guys that dress up as cowboys and have never ridden a horse. Why do they do it, probably to make themselves feel good about themselves! They are playing dress up too, the only difference is that what they are doing is more socially acceptable at this time in our culture.

All I know is that I can not change me, I've tried, didn't work. The only one I know who can change me is God, and I'm not intentionally opening any religion door here, just giving my opinion. Even AA encourages members to look to some higher power than themselves. Having the wisdom to know the difference between what I can and can not change may be the difference between sanity, and being a prisoner within your mind.

Love yourself first, then love others, that requires accepting oneself first, no matter what you are wearing at the time.

[Gina L.]

I think Davita and Gillian have said it all, religion is what some people use to reinforce their own self centered opinions, Jesus wore long flowing robes which we love to wear sometimes and he is always depicted with long flowing hair

[DonnaT]

My son knows, and sees me dressed all the time.

I find this to be quite relaxing, and no longer have those hormonal surges of fear of getting caught. Better for peace of mind as well as body.

If he were to bring a friend home, he would call first to see if that was ok.

[Anne Bonny]

Woo Hoo!!! School has returned the boys are away and I am free to wear a dress and enjoy being feminine!! I believe were I the only one here who knows but that I might choose to enjoy myself most all of the time, I could shave my legs and underarms and torso, polish and paint my nails, allow my hair to grow bushier and just be who I want to be. I am hurting no one, and these mental restrictions I place on myself are just so ridiculous, still I do enjoy being able to be a girl when there is absolutely no pressure or stress or worry. Now today I believe the safe window is at least an hour before I have to start being acutely aware of my older son returning from registration, then my other son ... hum...1st day could possibly come home early so 2 pm is not a safe bet oh well. I can love it for now and be that feminine part of who I am.

Thanks Donna... were I to work on making progress again having them notify and ask would be a very good thing for them to do. I know I am not doing anything wrong that would harm them. As a man I have as much right as any woman to be feminine and relaxed and enjoy girl time. I am the one who needs to choose....

Back for a moment, read the rest of the replies, thanks Gina Davita & Gillian...I have slipped into Objective Realism and moved away from faith which is the great leap into the darkness some cling to for comfort and because they need something to believe in. Faith is a failure right now under these circumstances, I am much more comfortable knowing what happened to my wife just happened, it is a reality, and all that I can do is to confront that situation and deal with it the best that I can, I have no need to cling to anything at this point. For myself I became enraged or outraged. If there is a God and if this all powerful God is to blame for my wife's terminal condition and chooses not to do anything about it That's it for me! Further Prayer is of no effect at all other than helping to accept what is, I do not need prayer for that as I already have accepted it. It is very repugnant as well those who would state God is teaching you something through this experience preparing you for something later in your life, or that I am "earning a star in my crown" or that I am earning some vague reward in the "life to come" That line of thinking angers me more than anything...What read Job!? What bull manure! No....I would not give 2 cents for any of that it is not helpful for me under these circumstances at all! No - I am an objective realist confronting this reality and dealing with it as best I can with love, compassion, and devotion for the love of my life. Reality is the greatest factual comfort to me. Later I will comfort myself by believing or telling myself that "She is in heaven and has been greeted by all her friends and relatives who died before her" If anyone is going to heaven, she will certainly be there, so that will help me to accept her death when it comes. Then It will be for me to find my way forward in a positive direction for the next phase of my life, hopefully with a new companion or wife.

Oh well the dressing is a comfort and there are so few of those to help me hold up some semblance of a life...Netflix, an occasional meal of steak, barbecue, or seafood, things like that between episodes of care. I am bound to this treadmill as my vital and active years are being pissed down a rat hole and I will never receive them back, oh and weight lifting, running my 2.5 miles daily, eating right and maintaining my weight. small pleasures an occasional joy ride in my sports car, or on my sail boat but aside from that there is little for me right now. Oh well... So that is why I came back, dressing is a pleasure I can enjoy in this restricted life, where pleasures that can be enjoyed are so few.

[Martina Hall]

Anne, you can tell me to MYOFB, but perhaps you could tell your sons that if they happen to "bust" you en femme, that Anne needs this escape right now. They must see what a strain you are under.