Need help telling someone

[Allison Barry]

For about two months now I have been thinking about telling someone about my crossdressing because I would like to be able to get help to look like an actual girl as I am only 15 and don't know how to do make-up and I cannot let my hair grow out because I want to keep this to myself, if not just my family so I would like to have a wig or two.

All this comes down to really is a way to tell my mom. I tried to talk to her about it before but I chickened out. I also wrote it down before but again, I decided not to tell her. I am kind of scared of her reaction to this because she has said a few times before that she thinks crossdressing is weird but I think she already knows. I had messed up a few times where I would leave a chair in her room by accident when I was home alone because I had needed it to reach her wedding dress. Her heels would sometimes be put back in the wrong place and a dress would need to be ironed. Sometimes the shoes would be laid out carefully as if she was trying to catch me in the act by me putting them back incorrectly and other times my favourite dress of hers would be ironed whoch is weird because she never wears it. She also never asked me about the chair in her room which is quite weird.

I was thinking of telling her someday when it is just us at home and I put on a dress and heels and walk into the kitchen where she would be watching tv but the problem with that is, there is a chance I could chicken out. I was thinking that maybe one day when she is going out and it will just be me in the house that I could tell her I need to show her something when she gets back. I would then get dressed and sit on my bed and wait until she comes back so that when I hear her car, I have no time to put everything back and cannot chicken out. She would then walk into my room and see me in a dress.

I would like to tell my aunt but my mom does not have a close relationship with her and so I barely get to see her and when I do, there is never a time when she is alone for me to tell her. She is very kind and I know she would not mind, infact she might even rejoice in the fact she in theory, has a second daughter. Her own daughter and I have a very close relationship and was thinking I could just ask her to give some of her old clothes as we are the same age and about the same size. She is not the kind of person to gossip or reveal someone's secret so I think she would be a good choice, it is just hard to get time to talk to her.

What this all comes down to is what you think I should do and do you think the ideas I have listed are good or not?

[Carol Ann]

Allison,
I find your post very interesting but one small thing is missing, do you have a father living at home?.

I have my reason as I was in your same place a long time ago.

[Allison Barry]

No, my father passed away some time ago. It is just myself, my mom, my brother and my sister.

My brother is older and my sister is a lot younger than me so there is no way she is helping.



** Post edited to merge successive posts. - SL **

[Carol Ann]

That makes it harder to do, it was just me and mom back then and was dusted twice and after that things just went from there.

Your biggest problem is you have a brother and sister who most likely will laugh at you tell all their friends and then it get's around school.

I would say tell your mother sometime when you two are alone and you may be surprised at what she would say.

But remember you have a brother and sister, but if mother goes along with it I am sure she will fine a little time for you to dress, good luck and love

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Allison, and welcome to the forum!

Just a suggestion, but you might want to wander over to the New Members - Introductions & Welcomes section and introduce yourself to everyone.


- SL

[Rikki]

Allison,

Even though I am old and have never admitted my passion for femme fashion to anyone, I would suggest you talk to her about the subject in male clothes rather than getting all "dressed". The double shock of the topic and seeing you in her clothes would make it twice as hard to absorb and be understanding. As everyone here always says, "Baby-Steps". Talk, talk more, then maybe show.

All the best,
Rikki

[DonnaT]

Hi Allison, to the forum.

I suggest you open the conversation with an apology.

"I want to apologize, Mom."

"What for?"

"For trying on your clothes without permission, but I've been too afraid to ask."

And let the conversation go from there.

[Requal Jo]

Hi Allison. Yes, it is very hard to tell of our secret of dressing. I understand your situation. We strongly fear the negative reactions of those we share with.

I to could not express my feelings when in my teen years and this did trouble me. (Yes, my sisters knew that something was happening as I wore their clothes and even challenged my once, to which I denied). It was not until I was married with 3 children that I can out to my wife (and only my wife). She was accepting of my position.

While it takes a great deal of courage and confidence, by telling mom, a heavy load will be lifted from your mind as you will then know if mom is supportive or not and you would then be able to make further decisions on the direction you take.

I warm towards Donna's comment on how to commence the conversation with mom as it appears from what you say, that she is already suspicious.

Even though telling your Aunt may relieve some of your anxiety, it will not remedy your situation as you live with your mom, not your Aunt.

[Davita]

I'm also going along with Donna. Another way to broach the subject would be to ask Mom has she noticed (even though you are sure she has) her stuff being moved.

One thing about most moms is that they tend to love their kids -- weird or not. They don;t always like what we do, but tehy still love us. Be easy on Mom with your coming out. Just get her alone during a relaxing and generally nice time and talk to her. Don't make excuses; don't promise anything; and if you don't have an answer then just say so.

Good luck!

[Kelly]

Dear Allison,

I agree with the others, that Donna's opening is a great approach. Now the thing for you to think through are what are the possible paths the conversation will go.

A couple of high level points:
* Honesty is the best policy. And remember a truth unsaid can be as bad as a lie. But it is ok to be truthful, because there is nothing wrong with you. Remember that.
* On the other hand.... Beware of Too Much Information. Details can wait for later. Mom is going to be drinking from a fire hose. Let her digest.
* Generally, you want Mom to be leading the conversation and you answering. But she could go quiet. It is up to you to decode the cues. Is the pause because she wants you to say more? Or, is she processing what she is learning and just needs a few more moments to put it all together?
* Let her know that you want her to be a part of your life. All of it.
* It is ok to show your emotions, but try to stay calm.
* Remember our mantra: Baby Steps.

Since I read your post yesterday I have been thinking, 'If I were Mom, what would I ask/react" So, here a list. Just think about how you would respond. You probably won't encounter most of these, which is ok; thinking about them will set a foundation for how you respond to what really happens.

Are you Gay?
Who else knows?
Who else do you plan on telling?
Do you want to become a girl?
Is there a sexual thing going on?
How long has this been going on?

This is all my fault, I have failed you.
We need to go find a physiatrist and straighten you out.
We need to go to family therapy so that we can deal with this together as a family.
This is just some phase you are going through, ignore it and it will pass.
What if out (broader) family or friends find out.
OK, if that is what you want to do, here are my rules.
Don't ever talk to me about this again.
What ever you do, I expect you to behave like a proper young lady.
I know, I have been waiting for you to say something about it.

Are you having problems socially?
Are you being bullied at school?
How can I help you?

Understand that you are probably not going to have just one conversation. Her world view is being shaken up. After your first talk, the ball is in her court, let her start the next one on her schedule. She may react negatively at first and then soften up a while later. She might be initially supportive and then become more uncomfortable. Hard to say. Be patient. Remember baby steps. Also remember, there is nothing wrong with you, be comfortable with how you feel.

Your are thinking about doing the right thing. Hiding a part of yourself from your mom is unhealthy.

Hope this helps. Hope all goes well. Let us know.

Kelly

[Virginia]

You are getting some sage advice from my sisters. I have just one and it is redundant, but, if you decide to talk to your mom, don't dress! Approach her in your "normal" style of clothing, don't shock her.

Hope you will let us know how all this turns out for you!

Virginia

[Diana Michelle]

Allison, the advice here is excellent and all from the heart. As everyone has said when you tell her present yourself as the son she knows and b honest and open with your mother as you can be. I have never heard of any girl starting the conversation the way Donna suggested but in thinking about I it, I like the idea. It opens up to a conversation not a shouting match. Be prepared for a lot of questions and don't expect to b welcomed into open arms. Your goal in that initial conversation is to open a line of communication and allow her time t think about all of this. And please whatever she asks of you respect her wishes. She will come around, most parents do it is just a matter of time.

I was 25 when I finally told my parents of my plans to transition and have GRS. It was a while before we spoke again but we did eventually reunite to a family. I know I would have regretted it had my mother not been around to see me get married that first time, she passed away 3 months later.

Just keep your chin up, look her in the eyes when you talk so she can see your sincerity and listen to her as she talks. This has to be a conversation, not a one sided lecture. Good luck and keep us informed.

[Heather W]

Allison, telling your mother is a scary thing. I am 31 and have been on my own for 10 years and just told my mother and I was scared. I can only imagine how scary it can be at your age. The advice here is all excellent, follow it. It is baby steps as everyone says. Be prepared for some soul searching at some of the questions but above all be honest! If you read my post n telling my mother you will see I told her I don't know to a couple of her questions because I honestly don't. Take it slow with her but most importantly tell her you love her.