Crossroads.

[OliviaM]

I think I have reached a real crossroads in my progress. In Target and saw two dresses and a pair of shoes. Did not buy and got to thinking. Since I have not shared with my SO how far I have gone with my dressing, I am firmly ensconced in the closet with limited dressing time. So if I buy more clothes without talking I really have little opportunity to wear them. If we have the talk, I then have to explain purchases which limits what I buy. As I said at a crossroad.

But also Olivia

[Diana Michelle]

Definitely a crossroads IMHO. From the tone of your post I am assuming your SO knows of your dressing but not how often or how far you go. Sadly no one can give you the answer to the question in your mind, "Should I tell her an if so what and how?" Only Olivia knows what she wants and is willing to risk. How receptive is your SO to what she perceives as your current level of dressing? If she has been warm and supportive you should just go ahead and have the talk. However if she has not been that you must weigh the option of telling her truth and upsetting her against relegating yourself deeper into the closet.

Personally I would always vote for the truth. If you told her before about your dressing then you can tell her that is an escalating thing and you want to expand your horizons. She may be OK with it much to your surprise. If she isn't however you have to decide which is ore important to you. Any of us who has told a loved one has had to make that choice and although I know how I went no one but Olivia can decide the right path for her. I wish you luck and will pray you make the right decisions for you and your situation.

[Anthony Simon]

The way it sounds is you want to have "the talk". I actually have a pretty poor record when it comes to this sort of issue - tending to be too cautious. But there is one thing I want to say. It isn't, at this point, just the CDing - because you've been sharing it with a woman friend who's been enabling for you.

[Davita]

I told my better half decades ago. Only now and then will she remind me I spend too much. So I cut back for awhile mostly because she's right.

Did I tell her about me because I needed to shop? maybe. Did she like it? Not really.

Will you find the perfect moment? Probably not, but you can maybe tell her at a happy time when she's not worried about the world. If you're coming out for the first time, I'm sure you read of all the things not to do. If you're updating your status, then you know to be a bit cautious. If she tells you that you can't buy anything, don't promise anything. That would just be wrong. The shopping money belongs to the household so just be fair about it. Good Luck

[OliviaM]

So, Anthony Simon, let me see if I can read between the lines to understand what you are saying. My friend at work is enabling me because she knows more about my CDing than my wife. Well than everyone on this site who has read my posts or seen my pictures, just like you, is enabling me because you all know more about my CDing than my wife. I thought this site and the people on it were offering support and advice. And that is all my friend at work is offering. And when I talk about telling my wife about where my CDing has progressed to, that includes this site and my friend at work as well as the clothes and make-up and everything. You also seem to be insinuating that my friend at work knows something about me that I have not shared with my wife. Well I have a friend who I have known for almost 25 years and who knows things, and I have shared feelings with, that I have not shared with my wife. Yes my work friend is a woman and my old friend is a man. I don't believe that fact makes any difference. Thank you for the response and your honesty. I respect your opinion and look forward to your continued support and friendship.

Olivia

[OliviaM]

Thank you Diana, I think you hit the nail on the head. She knows I like to wear women's clothes and have done it before. But the first time I talked about doing more she was not receptive. But the only way to to be out in the open is to tell the truth. The worst that can happen is I wind up in the same position I am now. It does seem the risk is worth the reward and I am the only one who can make that assessment and decision. Thanks for being you and being here.

Olivia

[OliviaM]

As always Davita makes a lot of sense. Yes I have read a lot of the posts about what to do and what not to do. When Ido get to the point of owning up I hope I remember all the great advice. Thanks for all you do and I will keep you posted.

Olivia

[Kelly]

Hi Olivia,

So, the dilemma is:
A) Stay in the closet. But your available space for a stash is limited and is so near capacity you can't buy pretty new stuff. Plus, you have precious little time to wear pretty new stuff, so why bother getting it.

B) Tell your wife (remember, you are not coming out of the closet, just making it bigger for both you and her to occupy). In doing so, you may gain space for an expanding wardrobe; but then you have to engage in full disclosure about the degree of shopping and will have to take on constraints so tight that you wouldn't buy all the pretty new stuff. So you have the opportunity to dress up, but not a thing to wear.

No matter what happens, you don't think you'll be able to dress up in the pretty new stuff.

OK. I made that as blunt as I could. This time the cynicism was intentional. To drive the home the point that the real issue: having THE TALK is a necessary prerequisite for you to continue your exploration of the gender spectrum. The crossroads dilemma is just a shallow smoke screen. I doubt that you contrived it consciously on purpose. Hell, I convinced myself of enough silly rationalizations to fill a thick book. People do that.

So the real crossroad is do you initiate the conversation or don't you. If you do, then is this the right time. If you don't, how do you not explode. Now there is a dilemma worth considering.

Everyone's situation is unique. One of the distinguishing aspects of your situation is your wife's prolonged battle with cancer. That has to be extraordinarily stressful on her (and yes, stressful on you). The first and most important question is does she have the emotional capacity to deal with this? Does she go out shopping, with friends having a fun girl time? If no, I doubt she'll do it with you; and more importantly, will not like for you to be doing it. Only you know her well enough to gauge. I or anyone here can speculate and most likely be wrong. You have the best chance doing the speculation, and still be wrong.

Somewhere out there in the internet ocean there is a page describing when not to tell her. Can't remember the specific scenerios, but came away with these generalizations. Don't tell her when she is preoccupied with a lot of stresse, don't tell her when she is already pissed at you.

Just think it through. Have a conversation plan. Good luck.

Kelly.

[Anthony Simon]

I'm trying to look at it from your wife's point of view, Olivia.

[Anne Bonny]

All I can say is I found it incredibly difficult to live in the closet and after 7 years of marriage I was bursting at the seams to tell my wife. Sure there were long stretches where I was fine especially early in our marriage but as time went on the flip side of my gender started wanting to be let out. I would dress when she was at work or away taking the opportunity. But that never works. We just cannot be expected to bottle up nearly half of who we are and live in nearly daily agony. No it is not selfish either as some women will say - you are being selfish! Right I am selfish because I am who I am inside - that is an absolute outrage! So are women selfish because they shave their legs, paint their nails, put on make up and wear all sorts of pretty clothing? Is that selfish? I mean they are just being who they are too but we do not tell them they are being selfish for being who they are!

Nope. At some point for your own health and sanity as well as your basic right to be alive you will have to talk to her.

That is a very difficult thing to do, even if she is kind of able to take it in it does not mean she is going to accept it enthusiastically and volunteer to do your make up or ask you to go dress shopping with her! It will change your marriage most likely unless she is in a very small percentage of women who will accept it fully because when it comes right down to it she loves you. She may issue an ultimatum, or she might simply decide she needs to pack up and leave or have you leave. Hard thing.

The key is how strong is your marriage? Do you both love each other. Is your love, commitment, and devotion incredibly strong? If so I can say from what I remember it took a couple years to work through all of this because women look at this as a betrayal of their trust, and we are seen as "the other woman". In other words they feel we love our feminine side and dressing more than we love them! They understandably have many deep fears and will find all of this very unsettling because most women tend to have traditional beliefs about the basics of man and wife and relationships and how they should work and be in general and being married to a man who shatters that mold - or so they believe ruins it for them. But They never see that we love them, or that basically we are the same person. Sadly they are in love only with the masculine part of who we are - that is who they met and fell in love with and that is who they want and expect for us to be all the time, this other side of ourselves is basically a stranger who they never met or bargained for. Because we failed to disclose this side of ourselves to them before the marriage they were not free to think about it, to meet that person, or to decide to move on not wanting to be with someone like ourselves. Sad to say this but we have to be honest with ourselves, and with any prospective marriage prospect but this is who we are - we must not delude ourselves that we can hold it all in or that it will evaporate when we marry - didn't in my case! It is not selfish to be who we are, but it is a lying betrayal and was selfish of us not to give them the choice to stay with us or to leave early in our relationship! If we are honest with ourselves we know we are going to dress, we know our feminine feelings are not going anywhere, they may not be present in our mind all the time but they do come around and we are not really free to resist who we are we simply have to accept ourselves as we are it is how we are made this is who and how we will be until the day we die.

Oh well water under the bridge. tread carefully, slowly, but you really have no choice but to be truthful with your wife and see what happens. Hope it will be alright if you love her.

[OliviaM]

Hi everyone!! A quick update. No have not talked yet. But that is not the reason for not posting. It has been a rough start to the school year and I have been really busy and really exhausted even on the weekend. Also new chemo drug has been tough. I have reread this thread and others concerning the talk. I can not tell you how much being able to be here means to me. Another question, would it be OK to use my participation in this site as a way to start, or at some time during, or not at all? I think I am getting close. Thanks again to all especially Anne, Davita, Diana, Anthony Simon, and Kelly. Will really try to be mote involved here. Talk soon.

Lots of Olivia