"Deathly Afraid" - Answer to Carolynn Summers

[Anthony Simon]

Anthony Simon wrote:

there is something lost. the sense you have of "really" being a man. You never do come back to that.

The older I get, the less I care about that. I do see that it's a possibility, but there's less and less about my male life that I identify with. So leaving it behind doesn't distress me that way it might have when I was 40, say.

I'm trying to remember how I looked at that when I first took on the identity of a woman. I think there was some regret for parts of me that I was leaving behind. There was no going back, though, and I soon adjusted to the new point of view.

The thing is I've done stuff out of that - including what I feel "I was put on this earth to do" out of it - so it's indelible to me.

[Anne Bonny]

We have a range of behaviors, emotions, and moods. Being an alpha male is of no more worth than being an excessively feminine woman they are just different but and are equal in value. A man is not worth more than a woman, a man is not better than a woman or more capable than a woman - being men we are prone to think this way or to compare ourselves to others and to think of ourselves as being better, smarter, more powerful, better at everything in every way - it is a huge lie and we as men have to end this kind of thinking even in our subconscious. Our personalities and capabilities are unique, we are different but there should be no preference because we think one is better than another. Dumb or smart we all possess equal value in our own right. I am a more androgenous personality - So what!? I am glad I am this way instead of being an insensitive abrasive confrontational alpha male jerk! So I am perfectly happy being who I am, sometimes I feel more feminine when I am of a mind to be so but even so I am as good as anyone else.

[Amanda M]

Well, Anne - that was thought provoking. As good as? Better than?If anyone makes judgements like that based on gender, then they are going to reach some startlingly wrong conclusions.

I have one reservation about being "outed", and it is simply this.I live in a small Spanish village, but in an area where immigrants like me greatly outnumber the locals. In addition in this less than cosmopolitan part of Spain, machismo is still a major part of the culture.

If I am outed locally, the probability is that my business would simply disappear, for the most part, so I am wary. When we travel around outside our local area, it does not bother me or my wife in the least, we shop, we go out, we dine like a pair of sisters, but right here, in the village it is simply too big a risk. It's OK having principles, but they are a lower priority in this case than eating!

There are areas (like ours) that are still very conservative - that said, the people are incredibly kind. Even today we went to a fiesta at our local bar, and I took a photo of a table of about 40 people from the local riding school. I asked if I may put it on trip advisor to help publicize our little local bar, and said if you give me your website address, I'll put a plug in for you as well. He was delighted.

When we went to pay our bill, we found that without saying a word, he had paid for our meals! Kindness indeed. Circumstances alter cases! Take care all,
Amanda

[Stephanie H]

As we are now living in a smaller world, being recognized by someone is more easy now than ever before and will become more so in the future.
With the number of street and business cameras, cell phone cameras and the ability to quickly post to social media one must be aware of their surrounding's at all times and in all walks of life. Be confident when out and about, this will draw less attention and notice.

[Domonique]

As this discussion grows, and I realize that everyone comes from different walks of life, I come to just one conclusion. Throughout the generations we have been taught that wearing women's clothing is wrong. Being feminine is wrong. We fight within ourselves because of the fear of what society and or our friends and loved ones think. This has been taught to through out our lives.

Even though things are slowly changing here in the U.S. society still has that misconception that we can't be manly and feminine too. I know those that live in other countries have a harder time of it than we do and I feel for them. [ no buts ].

It is going to take a long time for all of society to except us.

Anthony, it sounds like you are where I was 10 years ago. You will continue to have this battle within yourself for a while, so just be ready to have a conversation with yourself more than once until you resolve it in your own mind. I am lucky compared to alot of CDer's here, I have an excepting spouse who I can talk to about the fears that rise up within me. Unfortanetly for others they have to struggle through it alone. Before I met my wife, I put myself through the ringer. I was mean and hateful. I always had to prove I was macho and I had to always be right. I hated my male side but I couldn't be feminine. I even outed a friend who was gay [ which ended our friendship]. All of this because of society.

Anyway, this is just something to think about.

[Anita]

Domonique wrote:

I was mean and hateful. I always had to prove I was macho and I had to always be right. I hated my male side but I couldn't be feminine. I even outed a friend who was gay [ which ended our friendship]. All of this because of society.

You're describing a harsh situation there. That's hard to even read about, let alone live out. One of my Ohio friends seems to have cut me off, and another one is on the fence about it. I don't get back there much any more. But it's not really that different in San Francisco, overall. I can find tolerance, but it doesn't mean acceptance. There IS a difference in that I can find pockets of "safe haven" here, and that is harder to come by in other communities.

Sometimes I try to look at myself as if I were still buying into society's judgment of us. That is not pretty; I'm under no illusion about how people see us. I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this, but it's a little reality check. I do think that people are slowly becoming more accepting of full-time trans women, but they still have a hard time accepting someone who lives in both genders.

The feeling is brief. I don't have to dwell on it, and I don't get depressed about it. I made this choice, and I would make it again, knowing that the benefits I've gained have far outweighed any losses.

[Anthony Simon]

Well Dom, I think a lot of it is time and learning that one's not perfect. Like one makes mistakes - even horrendous mistakes - and to forgive oneself for them, that's the hard part.

I don't have a particular problem with being macho. It's more like a certain sort of male image is beyond me - and I find this vast resistance against accepting that. It's not that I can't be like that some of the time - even a lot of the time. It's just that a certain part of me functions like a woman - and you just can't fit that into any sort of standard idea of what a man is - or indeed what a person is.

Like there's no role model I know out there who sometimes is a "she" version of themselves, just as they are sometimes a "he" and in their inner self somewhere between "he" and "she". I suppose I know that this sort of person doesn't exist in the public mind and that makes me wish I was someone else.

It's like you're fighting an iceberg of relentless popular assertion that you don't exist at all. And you've internalised it so the fight is inside yourself - even though you know that you do exist and feel perfectly natural about it when you give yourself the chance.

I actually think for me it's not so much a problem of the world changing and me fitting into that, it's a question of me coming to terms with the fact that I have a female side who is here permanently and I need to set aside some resources and come up with some idea that uses her and gives her self-expression in a satisfying way.

It's like I have to make a special effort because this thing is just not coming out with me waiting for a solution.

[Domonique]

Anthony, I understand now what you are saying. I wish I could come up with a solution to help you or at least a good suggestion but unfortunately I have grown accustom to my female side. I guess I just stopped arguing with myself and just started doing. I guess I am also fortunate because I have someone that supports me and helps me through some of those doubtful times.

I have had those thoughts of wanting to be useful as a woman and I realized that I had already been doing so with my wife after she had told me that she likes have Domonique around to talk to and dress up with.

I wish I could just say move away from where you are and start over again as a woman, work as a woman, help people as a woman but I know how hard that is and how stressful it can be, let alone the anxiety and thoughts that this change may bring on. This is why baby steps are a part of the advice we give to those just starting out.

I guess Anthony, what I am saying is to sit down and have a serious conversation with yourself and figure out where the best place is for you to resume those feelings you had while you were taking care of your father. I am sure you may already know the answer, it's just up to you how you want to proceed.

Or not, sometimes I just ramble on about things that I shouldn't

[Anne Bonny]

I think I know the general reaction is that we are sick, and shortly after there is some anger and indignation, followed by disgust and revulsion and a desire for us just to go away and never enter their field of vision ever again. They have a problem don't they? I do not have to worry about people who may experience these feelings because they are the ones who have issues to resolve within their selves. Most people take the attitude live and let live and that is where we need to take society. From what I pick up this seems to be where society is heading it may be slow not without some resistance but it is moving there I do believe.

I am not sure how the bathroom issue will be resolved, for now if you are physically one sex or the other you need to use the correct facility for you, if you are post op then you have every right to enter the appropriate facility. I think society will resist providing a third bathroom option, it would not have to be very big but in many large public places bathrooms such as those found at gas stations that are for a single occupant at a time with a door that locks would work, perhaps gang facilities need to go the way of the dodo but in Air ports there should be a single use facility with the door logo being a male and female figure standing side by side.