2 personalities or 2 sides of one

[Ralitsa]

I'm curious about how many of us here feel that there is a disconnect inside themselves.

I notice that often people refer to their feminine persona as though it is a separate person. I find that a bit odd actually, as I don't feel that way myself. As I'm sitting here in the coffee shop wearing the new dress I bought yesterday after work there is really no mistaking me for a GG. I use my real name all the time (except that my screen name here is obviously not real) and don't think of myself as switching between male and female identities.

It has been commented on endlessly about how "guys are supposed to do this, and gals are supposed to do that". Which seems to lead to the conclusion that if a person wants to wear a dress they have to do everything that gals are supposed to do, and that if one is wearing pants they cannot do anything that women do. But I feel no difficulties picking and choosing whatever combination I like. My niece, who is in the Army and therefore dealing with another aspect of gender barriers, made a comment one time about it being great fun to shoot rifles while wearing a dress and heels And I agree, that is great fun!

But it seems like most people feel like they need to maintain a barrier between their characteristics which they consider male, and those female.

[KimberlyS]

For me I am the same person no matter how I am dressed. I see this not only how I see myself but others have told me the same thing. Now I do have different presentations of a male, femme or a mixed mode (within my house or away from home). I really to not have any barriers. My presentations are based on what I need and what I need to do. I do not have a big need to have a femme presenation much of the time which makes it easy for me to have a mixed moded presenting a male most of the time.

kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt

[Davita]

I used to refer to myself in third person primarily so I couild talk openly and not worry about who was listening in. Naturally everyone I was talking with knew that's what I was doing.

Now about that 2 persons thing. Over the years as people around me got to know the "two of me," I would ask which one they preferred. I'd get mixed answers which means people noticed a difference. What they were picking up on was the confidence or lack of confidence depending on which of me was out and about. Now with years behind me and few worries and the confidence that comes with maturity (ok - old age), I am pretty much the same person no matter how I am dressed. I can drop pretenses because I don't need them to complete an image I thought I had to project. Now I can have whatever mannerisms right for me, I can talk about anything I want such as how nice that dress was and even ask where she bought it. I don't have to be not me so people "won't suspect".... My two persons thing wasn's about proving I was a boy or proving I was a girl; it was about not having people look at me and point.

[Requal Jo]

I am who I am. Nothing changes in or around me when I am Requal. I am me enjoying my time of relaxation and freedom.

It is what people see that makes their difference. They see a female form they expect a female, they see male form they expect a male. They see a man in a skirt then they see it differently and make up their own minds how they will react to this scene. We cannot change this and should not be changing oneself to accommodate their response.

To me, whether in male mode or Requal I am me through and through. There are no differences or 2 persons or changed personalities.

[Anthony Simon]

With me, I think I'm a work in progress. When I think about who I am internally - like what I call my inner (me), I don't think there's much difference between what I am now and what I was very early in my life. I would describe it as somewhere between man and woman, though for a long time I didn't think about it and just thought about it as "me".

When I act in the world, I feel constrained to "be a man", not so much in macho posturing (which I'm no good at and abhor anyway) as just fill the expected male role. There is quite often a part of me that feels frustrated by this and would just like to get into girly gestures or talking about makeup or just getting emotionally supportive in a kind of womanly way.

On the other hand, I do find I quite naturally fall into the male role frequently as well. So it's a kind of mixed picture. Plus, some of the time I find that even though I'm dressed as a man, women are quite clearly having "women's conversations" with me - and, on occasion, it's even pretty clear that they're thinking of me as a woman on some level.

I'm inclined to think that, when I dress up, this has functioned as something of a safety valve where I get to "be a woman" and no problem. But the fact is, when I dress up, although I am able to at times go fully into "being a woman" - at other times, I just feel like a man.

I'm inclined to think my "male" self and my "female" self are kind of extremes from the central point of "my inner" - and indeed, I can recognise some connections from my woman to my inner and connections from some elements of my more mature male side to my inner.

See, for me, so much of this is mental - and the problems all to do with losing my mental sense of who I am. Like I'm pretty sure I have a step I've got to make towards the "female" side, but the way this is coming out as I write it, it is just to keep my internal balance as someone between male and female.

It looks as though that implies some sort of enhanced expression of my female side in the outside world. Which may be to do with wearing the clothes, but it might also be to do with the sorts of role I take.

[Kelly]

For me, this is a multi-faceted question.

There have been times when out dressed, I have a distinctively different personality and even different interests. Other times, it is the same old me. Can't tell in advance which person will show up. For the purposes of this post call the first GirlKelly and the second GuyKelly.

Now GirlKelly has more fun and generally enjoys herself in all aspects. GuyKelly basically get the urge to dress satiated and is thankful for not having to mow the lawn. The day after GirlKelly I'm thinking wow, that was great, what happened and am I mentally stable. The day after GuyKelly it is well that was a waste of time, and I don't think I'll do it for a while now (but know that I will).

What it comes down to is that, in reality, I am happy with my male life. The friends I have, the things that I have done, the interests that I pursue. Call this persona NonKelly.

But I know that there is something missing from my male life that I want to explore, and thus my need to crosdress. And I really mean crosdress, I want to interact with the world as a woman. Pass, act like a woman, and be treated as a woman. Be a woman, not a parody of a woman. When that happens I am GirlKelly.

When I am GuyKelly I think I do a decent job of passing, seem to be treated as a woman, but am unsure if anyone cares, and don't do a good job of acting like a woman. GuyKelly is a parody.

A wholly different perspective is the age old why do we do this question.

Now part of it, for me, is that, I am just curious. Curious about the feminine life. There is also an aspect of envy (jealously?) of the positive aspects of being a woman - the variety of cloths, the attention, the intimacy, the attention, the list goes on. This is GirlKelly

Another part, is escapism. Escaping responsibilities, stress, pressure, the list goes on. Just go into a different world where it all doesn't exist. This is GuyKelly.

As you can probably surmise, I don't like GuyKelly very much. I love GirlKelly.

So there are not two sides of me, there are three. One I want to get rid of. The other two I like and really hope to be able to switch back and forth between them as needed.

[Anne Bonny]

I do believe I have a single personality, but that how we are one day to the next or even morning to evening can vary and there is nothing abnormal about that at all. Perhaps I am in the mood to and work on my boat, it is likely I would be doing this in guy mode because working in a guy type mood would would have me in guy mode. Other times I am just relaxing about the house, occasionally doing domestic things and my mode more than likely at least lately has been feminine, I could be doing the same things in guy mode but have not been of late. I also think...if I were to have a date and go out with a woman as a man...yeah probably guy mode again... but that one could under the right circumstances be reversed if the woman likes me to be feminine. I think the feminine thing hovering overhead, so to speak, is not a different personality there is just something there that has me operating in feminine mode and preferring that. I suppose I am identifying more feminine, or masculine and it just depends. My personality never changes, my moods change but I really do believe that this gender thing is something else entirely but do not ask me to explain it! I can't it just is, there is something else there when it is not as intense or goes away the guy in me takes over. I see this as ...well suppose, try to visualize these images in your minds eye, there is a male masculinity sphere that touches the edge of the female femininity sphere, most males and females exist in these different spheres and they never want indeed it never even crosses their mind to move outside of their sphere and cross over. I think we (transgendered people) exist in a third sphere and personally more of my sphere overlaps the male masculine sphere, but a good portion of it - 40-50%? who knows? overlaps into the female feminine sphere though I am not female. My sphere straddles or overlaps the masculine and feminine spheres but sits or overlaps a little more on the masculine side than on the feminine side. Trans sexual people's spheres would completely overlap the sphere that is opposite of their sex, hence their feeling of "being trapped in the wrong body", vs my knowing transitioning would be wrong for me because my sphere overlaps more into the masculine sphere so the majority of my identity is still masculine over feminine. Sexual Orientation is a completely different issue than Gender as we all know.

I feel I should add that though I have this, for me, inexplicable intangible feminine thing that is just "there." But my personality is always consistent. I do not move or act or even speak any differently as Anne than I do when I am my guy self. If there are any differences I would compare it to the emotional changes and desires that happen with any mood we may be in. We may feel a certain way, and be interested in things and view them in a certain way because of the influence of our mood than we would in some different mood where our interests or views or how we see things may change. We may find we see things positively or negatively, happily or be neutrally, or sadly But as we all know when our mood changes our basic personality is always the same. I effect no mannerisms (pet peeve of mine I hate what to my mind is fake contrived behavior), and speak with the same voice (I have NEVER effected a "falsetto"-geeze sorry if I offend anybody, but that is just so contrived and FAKE in my mind!), think the same my personality is consistently the same.

Or...Put it this way I am not a woman but I am not an abrasively strong male either, rather I am a blend of moderate masculine traits with some feminine traits laying a little more in the masculine sphere than the feminine. Wonder if that helps? I am really just repeating myself.

Anyway it is great fun and fascinating and must be to others judging by the responses on this thread. it is interesting to see what other people think.

[Jina James]

Interesting question.

For me, and I'm writing only about me, there is a single personality. I can't pass, and, for now at least, I don't want to pass. I just enjoy the feelings of being dressed at home in traditional female clothing, make-up, hair, jewelry, etc., from time to time. It's sexual and emotional, but it's still the same guy as the rest of the time.

[Paulette]

I was going to jump into this with both feet, but then I read the whole thread and found that I really didn't have much to contribute that was new. You've all got there already, and I agree with most everything that's been said. I will add only this:

I am, of course, just one person. I have desires and fantasies and impulses. Some are in conflict with my fears and self-image and expectations and the demands I feel I must live up to.

You too? Wow? Think of that!

To this I can only add that I don't know what it's like to be anything but myself. When I think of myself as a woman i'm imagining what it would be like to be a woman. It's exciting to think that, but it's pretend. Like being Batman, except that Batman isn't sexually exciting (unless it is, of course).

(I've talked about this before, but if you didn't see it, try Googling "What is it like to be a bat.")

The upshot is that we can't know what it's like to be anything other than ourselves. We can imagine what it's like, but that's only our imagination at work. Nothing really changes. Same when we think of ourselves as two separate beings - one a man and one a woman. We are still just one being - but with an imagination.

On the other hand, what I imagine myself to be is no different from and just as real as what I perceive myself to be if, IF, I can re-make myself so that what I see in the mirror conforms to what I imagine. Well then, there I am, aren't I?

Now I have to say that this is actually, truly, and really true. If you can arrange your appearance and life so that you are what you want to be, and if you can get those you meet to agree with you, you've succeeded. You have become and now are what you imagined yourself to be. Congratulations!

But what you can't do is be two different people inhabiting one body. You can be one person who imagines themselves to be something else for a while, and then something else again for another while. If you get really good at it, it's called schizophrenia. Not a good thing. So please be careful.


(Somehow I don't think this is going to make me many friends here, but that's where I am.)

[Anne Bonny]

Hi Paulette, nah I have an open inquiring mind. I like hearing what other people think. Your schizophrenic acquaintance. Like yourself I am one person but we do operate within a range wow look at the range of a manic depressive...that is quite a swing. I also personally believe our gender has a range too which I think is why we speak of trans- gender for example. I also believe Men and Women can share and experience things in the same way there is a rapport an ah ha, a recognition. Gender is a sense we have of who we are and I do believe I share part of that feminine sense, an overlap. No one else has to accept it, but I accept it and am convinced that it is a settled thing for me.