When to tell

[Tea Cake]

I've really missed this forum, my buisness has kept me travelling lately----lots of time watching the world go by-so I was wondering:

In a new relationship, what's the wisest way to lay the groundwork to tell about my love of dressing-up. Is there a too soon?The greatest thing I've gotten from this place is that being true to yourself could create a life I never dreamed possible.
So I under-dress nearly everyday and have been dressing-up a lot lately when I'm home. Just wondering if my new "spring-confidence" would blow the mind of a GG I'm just getting to know.There's so many other things to know about each other too. So I'm sitting here trying to decide if I should quit shaving my legs for awhile, and it JUST got warm enough for summer-skirts! I would love some advice, looking back I've messed this up in the past...when did you tell a new GF/SO??---------------- Tea-cake

[Paige]

I'm rather new at this posting stuff so I don't know if this will work but I'll try anyway

I told my wife to be before we were married that I liked to wear womans panties. She did'nt seem to have any problem with that so I took that to mean she understood. Wow, was I wrong. Thirty years married and we are just now dealing with my crossdressing.

My only advice for you is, when you tell her, be sure she understands what that really means. Be honest and kind and be sure she understands that she is still the woman in your life that you admire most.

[Loretta Ann]

I personally have never told one, and don't intend on doing so, as I plan on remaining single.

However there are those GG's out there who are looking for CD's. I don't think one necessarily needs to tell every girl friend. Would there not be some wisdom in finding out if she would be interested in a relationship with a CD. and go from there?

I believe the sooner one finds that out, the better off they will be, there-by avoiding wasting time pursuing something that is doomed to fail from the beginning.

Those are just my thoughts on this subject.

[Anita]

HI Tea cake--
My answer's in your other post, "sometimes I have to re-look at it." I say third date is about the best time. You're usually really getting interested in each other by that time.

Like Darlene, I'm probably staying single. I do try to find partners for massage only, though. I think it's important to touch and be touched.

I really want to get away from the idea that you must have a steady romantic partner if you want touch.
A

[JayDee]

I would say that the soonest opportunity to tell all would be the best,my biggest regret is not being honest.Give the full facts as soon as possible then the choices are made based on honesty.
I am sure if you posted this question on the SO part of the forum then most would say that the lies were far worse than the crossdressing etc.
But its easier to say than to do

[Beauty]

Hi Tea-cake,

I'd have to agree with the 3 dates rule.

I don't think you should stop shaving your legs if that's what makes you happy. I think we often fool ourselves into believing that changing who we are, for a short period, to find love will pay off in the end, but that's not true. Being yourself upfront will help you to be the partner you always knew you could be.

Lust is always knocking at the door, but love is hard to find. So, since it's so hard to find, you might as well be yourself while you look.

My situation was much like Paige's. I told my wife before we got married, but I had a goatee then, so I really didn't dress that much. When I shaved I wanted to dress more and I started to evolve into who I am now. I'm still evolving. Ok, where was I going with this? Ah, ok I remember. Saying that I was just someone who wore a few underthings and truly being a CD'r/TG'd was a whole different thing for my wife to take in. As she gets use to the idea of me being this way she's more accepting and understanding. Yes it took time(years), but now I'm becoming the male wife I've always wanted to be.

Moral of this post? Be honest as soon as you can.

Beauty

[CJ]

Hi all,

Beauty wrote: "Ok, where was I going with this?"

I don't know, Beauty, but I, for one, will always find great pleasure in following you there. Your posts are a delight to read.

Love,
CJ

[Tea Cake]

CJ, both you and Be have such an honest blend of kindness and articulate wisdom---that I find myself re-reading your posts in any given thread...I recognize your thoughts as being earned by your experiences through life...the fact that it always points back to a kind of self-responsibility makes me listen closer...the birch-trees shake in the breeze and spring is FINALLY here, hope you both are surrounded by beautiful things! ---------------------- Tea-cake

[Lorna]

Hi Tea cake,

Speaking from personal experience I prefer to telll a woman up front about my CDing. I like to let a woman know as early as possible in the relationship, in most cases, even before the first date. I for one don't believe that there is such a thing as "too soon".

But it also largely depends on where you see yourself with this woman. If you see a long-term relationship with her, then it's best to let her know early on. Otherwise if you're sure for certain that it's just a short term fling, then the need to tell her isn't as important.

But based on your post I can tell that you and she are quite serious about each other... plus she will love & appreciate you more for being honest with her. Just like Darlene said, "the sooner the better off they will be, there-by avoiding wasting time pursuing something that is doomed to fail from the beginning."
Good luck to you both!

~ Lorna

[Love (SO)]

Hi, Tea Cake,

I thought that I would give a little input from a SO who was told about my husbands CDing years after we were married. I'm NOT speaking for anyone but myself, and how "I" feel.

and yes, as JayDee stated, for me, the lies 'were' far worse than the CDing etc. (for me at least). It's tough to gain trust again in a relationship once it has been shattered.

Yes, I do think that I should have been told of my husband's CDing before we were married. But, I don't feel that the "3 date rule" should apply for everyone, everyone is different.[because I can understand that this is not something that you would go around just telling everyone (unless you wanted to be "out" to everyone)] . Before I was married, I didn't tell all of my boyfriends all of my most "private/intimate" things. I wasn't sure if we would still be together in the future, I didn't want to share my most personal self with them unless I was sure that we had some kind of future together. So, the only one I have ever shared those things with has been my now husband, and I shared those things with him when "I" knew that we were going to spend our lives together and that I could trust him. It was before we were engagged, it was when "I" felt that "he" was the "ONE and ONLY".

I hope this helps a bit
good luck,

Love (SO)

[RedJellyBaby(SO)]

Hi Tea Cake

Another SO's viewpoint here.

I agree with Anita about the three date rule and im with Love in that i wish i had been privy to the truth before i got married (12 years before finding out for sure) and i insist on truth and honesty now.
A relationship without trust is a very painful one to fix...that is what my husband and i are doing now slowly and carefully.

I would assume that since dressing is crucial to your very being, then excluding your partners from this is illogical at best and manipulative at worst.
I would like to point out that i dont mean casual dates need to be confronted with all of our pet fetishes etc (god, imagine?!) the first couple of times we meet, but like Angel says, if we intend spending a considerable length of time with a person, then they deserve to know 'who' theyre committing (sp?) to.

[Sally]

I'm an advocater for a no secret relationship, but of course not every set of circumstances is identical.

It may be of interest for some people to have a read of Gianna Israels article on coming out for crossdressers or TG people in general. It can be read at

www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/why.come.out.html

Kind Regards.

Sally.

[Beauty]

Hi Sally,

That was a really good article and he covers the TG'd umbrella. He talks about Crossdresser to TS's. I was a good read and I'd highly suggest folks take the time to read it. It's going into my favorites right now!

Love and Red,

I like Anita's rule of 3 dates, but I think it should be like a little bell that signals, "hey, you're on the 3rd date. Remember this is most likely progressing well. So don't forget to be honest if your heart starts to fall for this lovely woman. You owe it to her and yourself to be honest about who you are."

What often happens in us is we go, "I don't need to dress anymore. I'm in love with this FABULOUS woman. I just needed for find her and now I'm cured." Don't fall for it gurls. You most likely are a CD'r and you need to be honest about your dressing.

I think the 3rd date is more like a MAJOR check point for Cding side and not a definitive line in the sand.

That's my 2 cents.

Beauty

p.s. It's great to see the SOs coming back to post here. You gals are really what makes this site so very special. Thank you all!!!!