Came out to my wife

[DanielleM]

Last week I came out to my wife. My life has been nothing but the endless cycle of dressing and feeling good about myself. Getting into a relationship and purging. Have that relationship go downhill and fail. Start dressing again... etc. I've been married to my current wife since 2008, together since 2005. I just couldn't take it anymore. Trying to be something I wasn't was simply eating me up in side with guilt, shame, stress and anxiety. I knew I couldn't continue on this path.

While I have been home recovering the past week with the flu, it gave me time to read and discover and come to terms that I crossdress to feel the feminine part of my personality and unless I do, I live in conflict. And I needed to share it with my wife or I was going to explode.

My hope was just understanding, love and support. My wife is an exceptional woman. She has been supportive of me as I struggled with issues related to my conflict as it showed up in addictive behaviors. Having friends who are gay has given her the ability to accept people for who they are and not the social stigmas society puts on them... I had hope!

We sat down together and I simply stated that I had something to discuss with her about myself. She grew a little nervous but sat and listened. How I described myself was simply this way.
We are born male or female, very black and white.
We are born straight or gay, very black and white.
You can't change those aspects of yourself.
We are born masculine or feminine... not so black and white. In fact, it's more a sliding scale.
I drew a line across a piece of paper and marked the left end Masc, the right end Fem and in the middle with an A for Androgynous.
Most men are here at the left end and most women are here at the right end. However there is a percentage that don't fit in at the ends and they slide across this scale both left and right. Taking several tests and speaking with others and reading a lot the past to weeks.. finding the articles that describe me... I fall in here... about 60-70% masculine and 30-40% feminine. I have a feminine side to my personality that needs expression. I try hard to be here, at the left end, to be 100% masculine but I'm not and it's the conflict between these two things that are causing me strife, anxiety, depression and stress. Which then causes me to act out in addictive behaviours in an effort to suppress those feelings.

I stopped and caught my breath and asked if she was with me so far. She was visibly upset but still there.

I again repeated that I was just asking for love, understanding and support and she nodded.

You can see a little bit of it in me in just our daily lives. I cook, I help clean the dishes and fold the laundry. Traditionally a woman's role but I do them gladly. It's the feminine side of me trying to come out. In order for me to be able to express my feminine side, I need to feel feminine. I circled the area on the paper from a quarter from the right all the way over to about three quarters to the left. I said this is the hard part and I took a deep breath. For men this is the land of the.... crossdressers. We have to feel feminine to help bring out the feminine qualities within us. Love, compassion, gentleness. All the good things that were part of my personality when we first met.

I have been crossdressing on and off since I was a teenager. I drew a sine wave on the back of the paper. This has been my life for the past 40 years. At the bottom I would start crossdressing and feel better about myself, be able to express myself on both the masculine and feminine sides. It made me a wonderful, confident person. I would meet a lovely woman, fall in love etc. and I would purge all my clothes. Over time I would slowly sink back to trying to be the masculine man she, and I, expected and then become depressed, and anxious, etc. The relationship would fall apart and I would be alone and start to dress again... and thus the cycle continued.

Still with me? She took a deep breath and said yeah.
I said.. I can't continue to live this way. I'm stressed, anxious, depressed and going nowhere and it has to end now. I'm doing my own intervention. I'm a crossdresser. I do it to feel the feminine part of my personality. It's who I am and I need to do it to find my happy place. Where I am at peace with myself and the world.

We talked on a bit more... she had a few questions.. about how much I need to dress. Do I intend to go out in public? I answered her as honestly as I could. This is a feeling out process to find where my happy place is. I intend to keep it private within our own home. Except maybe on Halloween as I tried to lighten the mood, unsuccessfully. I'm going do it in small steps, underwear under my man clothes to start and move on from there.
She commented yes, we have dear friends who are gay and she likes shows with drag queens, Priscilla is it? But the hard part she said is, it's her husband who is the crossdresser and that's completely different.

I talked about some books for her to read.. particularly My Husband Wears My Dress, and got it on her Kindle. She has since read it which brought up some more questions which I answered truthfully Why lie now? We did hug and said I love you's. She's still with me but she has a lot to work out and I'm just going to be patient and answer her questions.

After she went off to work the next afternoon, I took the time and ordered some under garments and breast forms for myself. It's been so long I have to figure out all over again what fits me. I'm slimmer and healthier than I have been in years which will help with sizing and look. I intend to slowly introduce my clothing to her. Starting with just wearing panties. Then adding a bra. Then adding the breast forms under the bra. When she is comfortable with that I will add some sleepwear to the mix and shave my legs and pits. I don't know exactly why but next to having breasts and wearing a bra, shaving my leg and feeling the smoothness is one of the most feminine things I use to enjoy.

So, that's my story of coming out to my wife. I don't know if and when I will ever tell family or friends but that's a bridge I will cross when I get to it. Thank you for reading!

Dan

[Andrea F.]

Very well said. Cd'ing is for life Sweetie. Come by and chat with us in the chat room. That's a fun thing to do. We are here to help you with your dressing needs and your desire to feel feminine as well. We DO understand what your going through and your among friends here. I did start around 8 myself. WE look forward to your participation here.

[DonnaT]

Hope things work out for you. She's in the know now, but that doesn't mean she'll ever want to see it. Patience.

[Nature Gal (SO)]

Hi Daniel George. That was a very brave thing you did, and I really love the way you went about it, explaining things as you did. I am 100% in favor of full disclosure in a relationship. Even if you didn't tell her, there's a good chance she could sense you were keeping some secret from her. That's how I felt until I knew. I suspected something, just didn't know what it was, and that was effecting my trust of him in a negative way. I think it's good news that she didn't freak out, and it's totally understandable that she has concerns and apprehensions about it. After all, you just changed her reality for ever.

Speaking as a SO who just recently learned that my live in boyfriend of almost 2 years is a CD I want to tell you some things that are helping me come to an understanding about this that could help her as well, if she's willing. First, I needed to understand if this was a threat to our relationship. Is he gay or does he secretly want to become a woman? He answered no to both of those questions, and told me he enjoys being a man and doesn't ever want to change that, but that he also needs to express this facet of himself. I didn't know if I believed that, but both of us independently went into "research mode" on the internet, and found that the vast majority of cross dressers are heterosexual and that the CDing usually doesn't progress to the point of a permanent transition to a woman. That helped me A LOT! Then both of us joined this website and have gotten a chance to interact with other CDers and their SOs and read and discuss. That's also helping me settle in to a calm understanding and acceptance. I'm an open minded person but like your wife, it's different when unconventional life styles enter my own relationship.

Another thing that really helped me is that I stumbled upon several interviews on YouTube of cross dressers done by another cross dresser. Watching those interviews really helped me. I hope it's not against the rules to post links here, but I'd like to suggest that you and she watch these interviews, either together or separately and see if that doesn't help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVdFhLWw_O8" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ve_riQSYJDQ" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pErbxxE6HDQ" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

And my last little bit of advice is to TALK, often. Reassure her you are still the MAN she loves and that you always will be (if that's the case). I personally am fine with my SO dressing now and again, but I want my man most of the time. Right now, since he is just now putting together a wardrobe and all the trappings of a CDer, he's dressing several times a week. I'm OK with that and I understand the excitement and newness of him being able to share this with someone. I've been helping him learn to apply make up and pick out clothes and it's been fun for me too. I like to dress up myself, and dress in costumes so I get that part of it. But feeling free to express my concerns and have him address them has helped when those doubts and fears try to creep their way back into my head.

I guess that's my 2 cents worth. I wish you luck & happiness and would love to get to know you wife if she chooses to join.

[Ms. Erin]

Daniel George, that is a great way of explaining, coming out to your wife. I hope it work out, and I know how you feel about not being able to hide it inside you. I have a feeling your wife will understand and, with her terms, accept you.

Keep posting and among others I will be looking forward to your about you.

[Virginia]

Well, the good thing is she did not throw her hands in the air and run screaming into the night!

Second, the motto here is "baby steps, just baby steps!" If you have read enough to know! Do NOT spring your potentially new found freedom on her, i.e., don't let her see your feminine "presentation," until she asks! If she does not ask do NOT introduce her to " the other woman!" For most gg's this is a roller coaster ride. For some it never ends, some learn to enjoy the ride and others, well others have been known to either throw your backside off the ride or they jump off. Baby steps, talk about it but only ONLY when she is ready or offers to. If you force the issue well you will have to make that decision. Some of the girls here have "been there done that," and they will tell you some horror stories, others are "fairly tales" with happy endings. Some are still unfolding! If you sense she is amenable ask her if she would be interested in joining this group and the the forum has a "Private Area" for gg's only and there are some ladies there that will be willing to share with her in pm' or one on one and they will be totally honest with her, the good and the bad and I guess the ugly!

You have several girls here who have trod your path with various results and are willing to share with you, but the bottom line is that you can garner a lot of advice, but we don't know your situation, you will have to take the many and varied "solutions" and adapt them to your personal life. One statement that has been made and I will reiterate it!!!! "This gift never goes away!!!!!!!!!! If you have it you YOU have to deal with it for the rest of your life.... You can repress it, suppress it, ignore it, and have a very miserable life or you can deal with it in a fashion that hopefully respects the feelings and acceptance of those you come into contact with, either way it is who you are and one final point and I know I will get support on this from those of us who have trod the path, not only does it not go away, as you "age," for most of us it gets stronger! Those of us in that "more mature" aspect, well I can't speak for all but I personally ---------------- I LOVE IT!!!!

Please keep us informed as you explore this, ask questions and know that you are not alone!

Virginia

[DanielleM]

Thank you all for your replies, encouragement and advise.

Nature Gal.. I will look those vids over and show them to my wife.. thank you very much!

We are going slow. I remind myself that this is something I have been carrying for 40 years.. she is on day 11. From the moment I made the decision to tell her I decided, always be upfront and honest, even if the answer is I don't know. If it something that may be painful, just say it honestly and let her decide how to respond. Coming out of the closet was the hard part, answering these question just makes it easier. The easy answers were, no I'm not gay. No, I don't want SRS or hormones. No, I don't want to live full time as a women. The hardest question was, how far do you need to go to find your happy place? I said I'm not sure.. that it will take me time and some therapy to discover that place.

We talked about what I intend to wear at home and outside. The terms I found were "private dressing" and "under dressing". At home I will wear panties and bras with breast forms. I explained the bra/breasts issue. Eventually shaving my legs, stockings, blouse and skirt. She asked about possible sleepwear and I said I would like to a couple of nights a week. She was honest and stated that, at this time she would probably sleep in the guest room. I took that to mean she wasn't ready to experience me in that way so I will not go there until she is ready.

Outside, under dressing, I said I want to be able to wear my panties and bra under my drudge clothes occasionally. Right now she is morbidly afraid of it being seen and noticed. The usually fear of, what if we get into an accident? What if someone notices your bra strap? type of thing. I have known cops and EMT's. They have all mentioned coming across crossdressers once in a while. The worse they do is shake their heads in misunderstanding and move on. Kinda of been there, seen that, move along people.

I've all ready tipped my toe in the underdressing pool. I went out to get a bite to eat for dinner the other night. My wife was working late xmas hours at a local jewelry store. I wore panties and a pair of women's Levi jeans, mid height, curvy cut. Size 14 fits me pretty nicely. The jeans are kinda androgynous really but the lower cut on the waist with the bikini panties.. they fit a little lower, off my waist on more on my hips. A very nice feeling. No one even blinked an eye or noticed. The bra will be less conspicuous but I'm determined to try.. under a loose shirt, I hope it will not be noticeable.

Yes, baby steps... and patience. I'm meeting the contact for a local support group for lunch next week. I told my wife about this site and I think she registered last night. Hopefully the other GG's will help guide her into a better understanding of my gender variance. That it is not a bad thing but really a good thing. That I will be more myself, happier, caring and sensitive. All the good things that come from having a feminine aspect to my personality.

Have a great day everyone!

[Anthony Simon]

She asked about possible sleepwear and I said I would like to a couple of nights a week. She was honest and stated that, at this time she would probably sleep in the guest room. I took that to mean she wasn't ready to experience me in that way so I will not go there until she is ready.

What happens if she just means what she says - that she really isn't able to cope with sleeping with you if you're wearing women's clothes at the time? Maybe she's just asking you to respect her space by saying that.

[DanielleM]

You're probably right and I will respect her space. I understand that she is trying to accommodate to my needs and I don't want to push it. It's a case of she asked, I answered, and I backed off deciding what is more important right now.