a joke a day keeps the doctor away

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Thu Apr 22, 2004 12:47 am

Oscar was an unfortunate bod. He had just spent megabucks on a sky diving course and was having his first solo jump.
As he jumped out of the plane at 10,000 feet his shute became tangled so he took out his knife and cut the cord free. Then he pulled the cord on his emergency shute and as he continued to plummet towards the ground that too became entangled.
He was frantically trying to unravel the mess when he noticed a woman coming skywards towards him at the same speed he was descending.

As she came close he shouted," Do you know anything about untangling these cords?"

The woman shouted back,"Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Apr 22, 2004 6:44 am

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 12:12 am

There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 12:39 am

A lawyer was getting out of his BMW when a car suddenly came along and ...whoooooosh, it took his open door right off. When the Police arrived the lawyer was bitterly complaining about the damage to his precious car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my lovely car" he whined to the cop.

The cop said, "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick, you're so busy complaining about your car you haven't even noticed that your arm is ripped off."

"OMG" said the lawyer, suddenly noticing his shoulder where his arm once was. he shouted loudly, "Where's my Rolex?"

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 8:30 am

LOL!!!

Jadhe · Post by **Jadhe** » Sun Apr 25, 2004 8:45 am

I think there's something wrong with me...jokes never make me laugh, or even smile.

I like unintentional and spontanious humour most. For example when me and my 3 sisters get together every now and then, we always make eachothers laugh with some pretty weird things, and people who see us laugh like there's no tomorrow never understand what was so funny about that thing we just did. It's like we all turn into some 15 year old giggling school girls when we're all together. Strange indeed, but I dont mind.

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 6:25 pm

Having waddled to the bus stop in an extremely tight mini skirt the young lady was finding it hard to board the bus due to the high step. She reached behind her and searched around until she felt the zip then loosened it a fraction but she still couldn't get her leg up to the step, she then reached back behind her again and loosened it a bit more but still she couldn't get her leg up to the step.
Whereupon she was suddenly lifted up onto the bus by a pair of strong hands pushing on her bottom. She quickly turned around glaring and ready to slap the fellows face, saying, "How dare you touch me"
He replied, " I thought you wouldn't mind seeing you reached back and opened my fly twice."

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 10:35 pm

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 11:28 pm

If men got pregnant

1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations
number one health problem.

2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.

6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.

9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 11:03 am

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP ****HEAD! DRINK YOUR **** BEER IN YOUR *** **** FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR *** **** SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, *******?"

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 7:10 pm

A lady had a very beautiful cat. She utterly adored it. As is wont of ladies who live alone and adore their cats, she lavished tender care on the truly magnificent animal. One evening as she sat by the fireside stroking his wonderful coat, she dreamed of him turning into a young handsome Prince. In the instant of an eye flicker there was a flash of light which seemed to electrify the whole room. Lo and behold there stood before her the most handsome young Prince anyone could possibly wish for. She was dumbfounded. Whereupon this gorgeous hunk of masculine pulchritude said, " Now aren't you sorry that you took me to the Vet last week?"

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 10:31 pm

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the
cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took
from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk
and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them,
and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you
who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk
them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the
milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price
or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 11:26 pm

The Promise
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I promised my wife that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted!"

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 11:40 pm

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Wed Apr 28, 2004 2:01 am

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,
"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is
as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny,
strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her,
"We call that our No Name brand,
and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper.
I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

Crossdressers-Haven.com