Integrating my duality into one

[AlanaMead]

I've been actively trying to more completely integrate my female side into my daily life. It's both an intellectual and physical challenge that I had never really thought about until my wife told me it's something I have to figure out for myself. Over the years, I thought that the only way to feel complete was to transition and have GRS, but I've realized that this response was one of avoidance, rather than resolution. It was easier in my mind to accept this approach than to really think about just who and what I am and my wife's challenge to me made me really have to think this through.

I've realized that there is truly a duality to me that won't be addressed though transitioning or GRS, because both of those are physical and won't address the duality. I have a male body and I'm OK with that (although I'd rather have the soft skin, breasts and hair of a natal female), as it's given me a lot of pleasure over the years and still does. I was brought up to be feminist before feminism was a societal concept, so I didn't have stereotypical ideas of the male/female roles, which probably helped reinforce the male/female sides of me.

I am comfortable presenting as a male, however, I feel as though something is lacking, as I know I'm also comfortable presenting as female - yet something is lacking. It's interesting to finally recognize that though I've lived though decades of being in the male role, this strong duality exists in me and my feminine side is more prevalent in my mind. However, the fact that I allow my male (learned and undesirable) behaviors come to the fore at times - which is not necessarily pleasant for me or those around me - makes me want to bring my female more into my daily life.

I'm interested in knowing how those of you who are more in the TG spectrum like I am have been able to address this and how it's helped you.

[DonnaT]

I don't think I have dual side in the manner you describe.

I'm happily male (*mostly) in all things. *I say mostly, because I would like to experience breasts, for example, but am quite aware of the impracticality.

I'm in it for the clothes

[Carol Ann]

Well Carol Ann has been around for nearly 62 years now and dress everyday but I am happy as a CD'er, like Donna I am into it for the cloths as I love dressing up everyday and putting on my makeup

[Virginia]

Hi Alana.
I know of where you reside. You are fortunate that you do not or have not (and I hope) will not experience a conflict between your two characteristics. Some of us (actually very few) who even have a basic understanding of what you are experiencing have found or formulated an acceptable solution. It is my considered opinion that if you do not have an ingrained ability to diplomatically resolve this "potential" conflict, the two idioms will be in a juxtaposition to the point of incapacitating you, potentially both mentally and/or physically.

Finding common ground and existing in a "non-compete" contract between the two is a challenge but a challenge that can be overcome. I speak for experience, as I am most fortunate to have found that utopia and I have two "characters" that I have to deal with that are about as far apart on the male/female gender scale as you can get.

If in fact it is your desire for the two to live acceptingly and fairly with each other, I assure you, it can be done, but it takes love of self and acceptance of this wonderous gift we have. Your wife is right, this is something that we have to do individually. If you can attain it I assure you it is well worth the effort. Needless to say, some can not do it, some do not want to do it and some well, the last option is SRS and bless 'em I have literally and figureatively held the hand of a girl who went though it and it was a wonder to see. It brings a tear to my eye every time I think of her and how happy she is now!

Keep the faith, study your feelings, stay the course, etc., etc., etc., it will be worth it in the end. It can also proved solice to your family as well. Again, I speak from personal experience. It gives you options and having options is a good thing also!

Please let us know how your journey goes and we would also hope your wife will participate here as well!

Virginia

[Toni_Lynn_P]

In me I don't see a duality, but rather a plurality that encompasses a wide range of things. I am mostly feminine in my likes and preferences and clothes, but I do get a thrill out being a bit of a tomboy at times -- -I think its cute -- but then I like tomboys.

So, when I have to present as a guy, I call it being crossdressed as a boy, I see no big deal in it. It doesn't threaten any bit of the feminine aspects of my life.

I am just me. I wear skirts. I wear panties. I wear bras. I do guy things. I'll wear a suit and tie or a tux. No biggie. All a happy blend of person

Hugs

Toni-Lynn

[Davita]

I had a "duality" spawned from necessity. As barriers fell and I let go of concerns, I started that "blending." I think though it was more like just letting the need to be any form of boy just disolve. Now I am more like putting up a boy front to make Ro happy but personally I am not worried for myself.

I'm so out, I don't need pretences except with my in-laws that still can't know.

[Anthony Simon]

There is a real duality in me in the sense that sometimes I can feel I am behaving like a man, and it's coming quite naturally, and sometimes I'm behaving like a woman and, likewise, it's coming quite naturally.

I've never been out dressed up, but there have been a regular series of events where I can see I'm behaving like a woman. I have tended to get subtle recognition that that is so. Generally it's been with women, but a couple of times it's been with men.

Oddly, as the woman has come out of me more, it seems like the man comes out of me more too. Like I've never been a terrible masculine guy, but it seems like the dressing up brings a parallel more masculine persona which is perfectly natural to me.

At home, now, when I'm dressed up, I go into being a woman with great ease. And, just as easily, come out of it. It's kind of frustrating, because I believe, if I ever want to present as a woman in public, I need to stay in "my woman" in a permanent, ongoing way.

But, as I write this, I see what the problem is. What if I don't come out? To which, probably, the answer is as above. The move into a woman in this intensified way will also bring a parallel and compensating need for me to be a man in an intensified way.

The thing is I believe I am somewhere between a man and woman in my inner self - like the bit of me that seems like "me" when I'm quiet and by myself. It's true that when I'm being a woman that feels like "me" too (sometimes) and likewise when I'm being a man, but that seems like the more complete person.

[Ralitsa]

Whether it's a duality or plurality, or some sort of blend, I agree with this interpretation. Or maybe it is that I reject the assumption that there is a definite division in the first place.

I have a friend who told me I would never make a good woman because I'm not sensitive and caring enough - and that is certainly true! And at the same time I'm not the stereotypical manly man either.

But it is also true that not all women love to shop and are obsessed with cute clothes, and some men are. Not all men love drinking beer and watching football, and some women do. So I don't accept that there is such a definite correlation between body parts and preferred behavior.

I think I can wear a cute dress just because I look great it in, it's comfortable, and it makes me happy. I don't think I need to specify the anatomical details about what it covers.

We tend to idolize the extremes - at the one end, the thin, beautiful supermodel with no intellectual accomplishments; and at the other the muscular, brutish, barely civilized jock. But the vast majority of people are not at the extremes, they are in the middle and contain a blend of characteristics. That being the case, I guess I can have any blend of characteristics that I want. And if some of those are defined as masculine and some as feminine, well I think that says more about the definitions than it says about me.

What I find really curious, is that women can reject certain of the cultural stereotypes which they do not like; they can adopt hobbies and interests in hunting, fishing, sports and other "traditionally male" subjects; they can have professional careers, even as a NASCAR driver; and there is no talk of this "duality" or blending of gender attributes. And in that way I very much want to be like a woman, with the freedom to go shopping and express an interest in cute clothes, to have a professional career, to get a manicure and wear whatever color nail polish I feel like, to enjoy shooting guns, snowmobiling, and camping, to remain blissfully ignorant of which basketball team is going to the superbowl, to be more interested in my kids, my cows and my chickens than in what sort of trouble is brewing in some other part of the world, and basically to do what makes me happy without somebody saying "you can't do that; you're a boy and boys don't do that."

I don't want to have to pretend I'm a woman to do some things and then pretend I'm a man to do others.

[Virginia]

It is my considered opinion that "we" are the next phase in human evolution! It may take 1,000's of years but to intergrade both aspects of human evolution into one being will be a evolutionary milestone -- well that is if we don't kill each other off in the mean time!

"Wisdom is the principle thing therefore, get wisdom --- but with all thy getting GET UNDERSTANDING!"

Virginia

[Bernice]

Ralitsa beat me to it, by nearly a month. Well stated!

Hugs,

Bernice

[Marissa Mae]

Hi Alana,

You know, for years I strove to find ways to do what you said, "more completely integrate my female side into my daily life." The results are mixed, as was inevitable.

First I agree that even GRS is not the complete answer. No matter which way you turn, you're still yourself, the person who was stuck being male from the beginning.

For those of us who aren't heading for GRS it's even more frustrating. Somehow we have to find ways of being happy in our own skins, and sometimes that seems impossible. What I think is the key is what I've aimed for more or less by accident: deemphasized labeling things as masculine or feminine. I haven't completely stopped this, not by a long shot. But at the very least, the labels have stopped meaning so much to me.

I should explain I am a person who has been, throughout much of my life, female by inclination. From childhood onward I never felt comfortable labeling myself as a boy or a man, though I obviously played that role all my life whenever I had to "rise to the occasion." Were I younger, GRS would have been a real option. Yet uncertainty about what the hormones might do to my mind (however much I would welcome what they'd do for my personality) might have held me back anyway. So I think I fall somewhere near your part of the spectrum.

However, I haven't been "male and OK with that" but "male and not OK with that." I've actively sought to find ways (short of GRS) to become as much of a woman as I could. So I was constantly coming up against what I perceive as "male (learned and undesirable) behaviors" and it bugged me. I never could find ways to be consistently the woman-in-a-male-body I was struggling toward.

Now I've become something else, I guess: a person leaning strongly toward feminine, identifying myself as feminine, resigned to never having a woman's body or hormonal balance, shrugging off the masculine whenever I can do so, just muddling along. I think the key is, if you shove a form under my hand I'll check the "M" box (with discomfort)—but in my daily life I just don't identify as M or F, just go on feeling F (which maybe is the point). I don't consider myself a man, and I'm obviously not a woman in any tangible sense. I just dwell in a sort of mental womanhood and let the chips fall where they may.

As others have suggested, this seems to call for a new category, neither man nor woman. But I wouldn't be comfortable with that either, because real womanhood, untainted by mailhood, is truly my ideal. Which is to say I'm stuck, but somehow I've managed to be comfortable where I am. A lot of that has to do with my great fortune in having a wonderful wife, which makes me absurdly happy with where I am now, and unwilling to risk more drastic change.

I'm afraid I've rambled, but I hope some of this is pertinent to your question. I suppose the take-away message is that, even though my impossible goal is to be a woman, I've found ways to be happy as I am, which amounts to setting labels aside, while shunning the many male behaviors that make me uncomfortable.

Love, Marissa Mae

[Paulette]

Hooray for integration!

It's not that I have two sides, but that I'm a single, unitary person with varying tastes and desires. Stuffing myself into a single category is silly, uncomfortable, inaccurate, and a misrepresentation of who I am. Like Whitman, I contain multitudes. Like Popeye, I yam whats I yam, and dats whats I yam!

How I present in public has as much to do with what city I'm in than anything else. In Hammond LA I might wear a ball-chain necklace and a scoop-neck tee with jeans and boots - or a man's business suit. In the Castro (SF) I might wear a blue slip and heels - or a man's business suit. Mostly I just under dress or wear mildly androgynous clothing outside, and anything I damned well please inside.

The binary trap has messed up more minds than anything else. I know a fully SRS transwoman who rushed into it with all her assumptions intact, and was devastated to find that she still had the hots for women, but men were icky. So now she does her homework and finds that reversing the surgery in not easy, inexpensive, or always successful.

Due diligence is not just a good idea, it's essential.

[April Rose]

To me, integration is a life goal worth working at. If I am presented with the challenge of being TG, How do I overcome the sociological binary; essentially, the long standing prejudices of society, and my OWN prejudices, to get to where I can seamlessly move back and forth between the masculine and the feminine without causing undue stress to myself, my partner, and those closest to me?

Figuring out life, while swimming in the middle of it, is never going to be easy. That's the challenge faced by everyone on the planet. I just approach it by working patiently away, trying not to be too timid, trying to forgive myself and to forgive others, and trying to truly enjoy what's been given to me, without dwelling on what has not.