Missing myself while on vacation

[Andrea F.]

I went away to visit my friends on the east coast of Florida. I had a wonderful time seeing them and enjoying time away from work. I am not able to travel with my things and hence spending the whole week in boy mode. I was able to bring my panties with me but that is all I can take. There is no privacy when I am sleeping. I sleep on their living room couch and I am sleeping in some unisex looking sleep shorts, my nylon panties and a white t shirt. After a while of sleeping like that, my feelings to dress were on my mind. I missed sleeping in my soft silky long nylon nightgowns with my breast forms in. On the 6th day of my vacation, my anxiety was rising and was looking forward to getting back home to being me. So on the drive back home, the anticipation to go through my shower routine and dressing was very high. So after stopping at the grocery store to get resupplied with food, I unpacked the car and went straight to the shower and shaved. My shaving over at my friends place is quite limited. So after getting all nice and smooth, I dressed in my ivory nylon peignoir set, forms and my stockings to enjoy my femininity. I did sleep in my stockings the first couple of nights. After getting dressed, my emotions were overwhelming with joy since I was able to be myself. I do enjoy seeing my friends but have realized that my female self was yearning for attention. I think I have come to the realization that I can't be away from Andrea for long periods of time. It took me a few days to calm down and be ok. Being away from dressing for that long of time did cause me emotional strain within my self. Maybe I am over reacting, but I need some guidance from you ladies to better understand what is happening to me. Being me is a huge part of my life. So I did have an intense pink fog moment.

[Davita]

Andrea, Not sure you are in a pink fog which, as my understanding, is that all is right in the world and you are exceedingly happy and maybe doing more or expecting more than is valid. That is to say, you think hope everything id going your way whether or not it is.

Now, as for that drive... some call it an addiction and it certainly has many of the aspects. I personally think it could be. I know from other things I do that I think our needs to dress are just one addictive thing of many we have; we have an addictive nature. When you decide how much control over your drive and how much you want to let it run, then that makes a difference in when you come out and to whom. When you talk about not wanting to lose a close friend, I say that friend can't be close if they can't accept you. Those friends can be lost..... Yeah we don't want to, but for me.. I come first -- not them.

[Kelly]

Yea, Andrea, sounds pretty pink to me. It is a miserable state to be in.

Keep in mind that it is a cycle. Now the amplitude (how high or low the cycle is at its extreme) varies for the person, and will even vary for the person. Normally my amplitude is pretty extreme, but I haven't experienced it for a long time; but I know that one time it'll get pretty bad again. You just can't think of anything else, it effects how you think, perform in your daily tasks, and just make you miserable.

Here is my coping mechanism. I think of what I have at the moment, not what I am missing. Life could be a lot worse, you could be a Syrian refugee after all. Basically, I count the blessings that are there and try -really hard - to cherish them.

Dose it work? Often yes, sometimes not as much. When it doesn't I chide myself for not appreciating what is there. It is hard, but gets me through the day (maybe the hour, 24 times over).

Yea, it sucks not being able to do what or think you want or need to do. But put it into the perspective of what you can do and you can convenience yourself that A) you situation is temporary, and B) there are benefits. Eastern Florida is wonderful this time of year, spending time with friends is wonderful. Isn't not sleeping in a silky nightgown for a couple of nights worth all of that??????

Kelly.

[Anthony Simon]

I had a wonderful time seeing them and enjoying time away from work. I am not able to travel with my things and hence spending the whole week in boy mode....On the 6th day of my vacation, my anxiety was rising and was looking forward to getting back home to being me. So on the drive back home, the anticipation to go through my shower routine and dressing was very high....

Well, this doesn't sound that bad. After all, you had "a wonderful time" -- which means that your desire to dress didn't interfere with you getting what you wanted out of the trip.

Your problems started when the vacation was nearly over - and then you describe what was a very intense desire to dress up, which kind of overwhelmed you once you got home. I'm not sure, but it might be you were missing your friends - like the problem started when the end of your vacation was in sight - and you needed to have an extra-intense burst of the dressing to compensate.

I have had times when I've gone through that separation - compensation cycle.

[DonnaT]

Only you can figure out what's right with you.

Our experiences are just that, ours.

I figure, however, that we all have different levels of being trans, thus we have different needs.

When on vacation and unable to dress, I just try to keep it off my mind. If it stays out of my dreams, then it means I'm coping well.

[Andrea F.]

Today I got dressed up and went to see a gender therapist. I felt the time has come to seek professional guidance. It got to a point where it became painful to keep inside of me. So off I went to the 90 minute session. I did have to fill out the intake paperwork and privacy disclosures. The therapist asked me questions about privacy keeping it discrete. We then started talking about the usual beginnings and where I fit in the gender spectrum. I identified with being a cd with some trans inside of me. I told her, I find pleasure in dressing when I get home. She understood it. She certainly knew her stuff about gender issues. Told her about my preferred sleepwear and panty wearing. I do plan on a few more sessions with her and get more into being myself more often. She did suggest I come to a group session with other cd's and get to meet them. That is this coming Saturday. I do look forward to it. For those who have put off seeing a gender therapist, I would highly recommend it. They will help you sort things out.

[Jamie]

Wish I could find a therapist to talk to. None in this town that I would trust.

[Anne Bonny]

Kind of difficult to have a suitcase with feminine things in such an arrangement...A motel 6 I suppose would have been too expensive for several days. I feel your anxiety and longing. I try to avoid at my age suppressing who I am but I suppose I am able like yourself to bear it when I have to when visiting with family or friends. One thought would be to put some feminine things in a bag in the trunk so you could slip into feminine things during the drive home, just the lower half if you are uncomfortable being seen in public. Of course when you stop for gas or to eat or go through a drive through the option is to just do it or have the male gear and shoes close the change prior to gassing up or going in to eat. I did this on a long trip, perhaps a couple trips the biggest thrill was paying a toll to a lady in the booth while I was wearing a skirt and wondering if she could see during that brief encounter.