Finding normal the psychology of being who we are

[Anne Bonny]

I wonder if this will move the needle for anybody. I am fascinated by the psychology of entering the world, finding normal, living and being who we are openly out before everyone we know, out before the entire world fully and completely as the people that we are inside.

I have been interested and inspired by everyone who is living happily and openly because they have achieved success, they are living normal everyday lives equivalent to that of their male lives.

There are a few stars in our sky...right now I see Caitlin Jenner, but I just came across Kristin Beck who was a Navy Seal, but there are many many others.

Personally I am quite lucky, retired, have a nice income in retired life, and our two son's are out on their own or nearly so. At home I care for my wife and live practically alone. We have no local friends or family. I know this is a tremendous benefit in that I am finally able to come out more and more.

I am finding that the more I settle in get up and dress and put on my make up the more normal and natural it all becomes. The clothing no longer has that "special" feel as if they are made out of paper and must be kept spotless, and carefully hung or folded and put away as if they were a precious secret treasure, if they wear out I buy more! I run out of make up...I purchase more.

I am happy and as a lady I feel a connection with women and I do feel I fit in with women because I feel feminine that's a really good feeling deep down inside. That I am with women and for them.

The more I get out the less self conscious I am about what I am openly wearing I believe this is progress and is a healthy thing for me. I would never have gone out with shaved legs uncovered or with shiny clear coated nails...I no longer worry about any of this.

I wonder at the day when I just get in the car and go... to Walmart, or out and about and not feel it is any different than when I go out in masculine attire...why should I feel any differently about any of it? My gender is feminine, I am a woman why should I feel anything at all except the same way I feel about things when I go out when I am feeling masculine and I am a man?

My gender is after all fluid another way of thinking about that is simply that my gender is a blend of masculine and feminine that is probably more accurate. Sometimes I feel the more feminine aspects or they are heightened or that the more masculine aspects are heightened the desires all seem to shift with...ah! I cannot explain it! Just is and I find myself one way or the other.

The main thing is that I am happy and I do not need to hide my feminine feelings and desires anymore. They have always been there they were just suppressed because family and society oppressed them and I had to suppress them probably because of my own lack of understanding, insecurity about it and irrational fears and shame - as a boy when I was feeling like or wishing that I were a girl.

This forced hiding oppression/self suppression led to my feeling frustrated, agitated, angry, edgy, stressed but I no longer have to live this way anymore, I don't have to feel any of this.

Though I am still not clear of all of this, my own fear holds me back still but I am much more open and as I work to overcome all that has been done to me by my own fear and lack of understanding and by society's...the more relaxed and happy and joyful I am now.

We are allowed to be who we are that is a very big deal and it is absolutely as it should be, should have been for us our entire lives. We cannot go back the past is gone but we can live right now, today, in the present and as we go forward we are able to feel hopeful about who we are and about our future and how much better it is all going to be as we make progress.

I jog everyday in women's jogging attire....at home I get up and shower put on my make up and dress. When people come there is no running or hiding most people in my immediate life already know and are accepting of who I am. Yes there are a few...my wife's family or an older sister when they come for a visit... but anyone else... I answer the door, I can go outside my home. I have been in public. I have more work to do, much more progress to make but I am achieving a greater level of success, I am finding a greater degree of everyday normal.

I am not sure if this is something helpful for anyone...I hope it is. I know we are all facing our own evolution to achieve full parity with our male life in every way.

Here is that battle in my head laid out from today...

Anne
"Sewed on a couple buttons to take size 18 to size 10 whaddu think? (a great pic of me in a light green polo and khaki skirt and flats I do look great...make up hair fixed etc...)

I think a skirt is cool because it is ... in a way (well can be)..."in between" dressing....as if I am almost or it can be very similar to wearing shorts only with a little more femininity. I love being able to be who I am!
Kristin Beck is an inspiration....war hero...former Seal.

FF (a genetic female friend)
I can't believe that is a size 18
"Was" a size 18

Anne
"There were two ornamental adjustment buttons...but no second button so I found two and now I can wear this skirt again...looks great I think...yea!"

FF
"Yes it does... Great job"

Anne
"Man...I would wear this to do an exchange at Lowe's and to buy a new ceiling fan to replace the one in our bedroom....a blade broke off no 6 bladed kits that fit...5 blade kits...hum! But...I guess The internal battle in my own mind won't let me. Oh well....but! I could and probably without any problems at all! Oh well not a problem that matters very much...one day like the Niki slogan...."Just do it!"

FF
"That's right..."

Ok...I cleaned up my wife AM care, got her to the table fed her...got my wallet and put it in my purse I could just hop in the car and just Kama Kazi! Go!!!

but NO! I will change go Jog then shower the sweat off get out and get her in bed, dress male then go. If not NOW When? This is a battle many have absolutely no problem with at all...why me!? Oh well. Maybe if I had a female friend there to hold my hand and provide encouragement...I think that would help as there is absolutely no reason what so ever that I could not just grab my purse right now, hop in the car and go....It is frustrating.

I suppose my thoughts about it are .... well? ... usual minor fear that people would look at me or comment very unlikely, that the cashier would look at me...and or hem and haw some...yeah but what of that!? Then go over locate the correct replacement fan then go get in line...again yeah people might look a man in female mode at Lowes.. then pay and out and on my way back all without incident. Perhaps I feel I would be creating a spectacle needlessly...I know I would not be a spectacle in male attire but internally I feel opposite gendered today so why should I not dress appropriately to the gender in my head today? Damn it. I will go cross dressed as my male self grrr!!!

[Noeleena]

Hi,

not what you wear not what you look like ,it,s ...HOW... you interact with others , how friendly , how welcoming , how its about I,m .... really .... listening to you I don't just hear every 4 or 6 th word I hear every word , and then be able to natter with them ,

So then you go into what,s ya been doing today and whats planed for tomorrow next week or whats the kids doing its about becoming part of their life and they yous .....

is that's whats importaint, and how .... you ..... get to know others and they you . ??? .............

I'm involved with 1000.s of people I cant avoid that even if I wonted too ,just part of what I do and how it is around people , first you step out and meet many people hey I don't sound like who ever I may not dress as smart as who ever , I don't have the latest car truck or live in the top of the line house yet I'm welcomed in to many house,s and do work for them yes friends I may have my work skirt on or be in shorts or overall,s and sun hat and some time,s look like lady muckworthy , tough part of the job yet can be dressed very smart when needed , see this is life , now whats the word ....put on .... just the real deal no drama no bullshit just who I have allways been confident some times stropy woman ,

Some time you just gota know how to use a hammer and drive that 4 in nail in ,I,ll give ya 5 hits okay and no missed . I had one female do as good as I do, and she ant no push over and I said to her you work ....oh on the farm ....he he met my match ,

don't be put off get the hammer and nail and ...go...

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

I do want to be with people...and yes...Mr Fix it comes naturally to me...Hey I replaced all the bulkheads on my boat...that's lots of cutting covered in dust had to wear a mask then sanding cutting the new bulkheads using the old as patterns sliding them into place then fiberglassing them into place and painting....

Today I am replacing the wire and swagging the ends because I could not find the part for my self propelled mower so that I can engage the gear to self propel...lot of hills in my yard and it's big.

Installed the free replacement battery in my old Ford Truck...no sparks...hum...tightened the contacts on the terminals and boom! the truck started right up! now I have to sand the roof, bondo rusted areas and sand and paint it so it won't leak...

I used to build cabinets still have the skill and can do it without all the equipment we used to have a router table, table saw with a 50" rip fence to cut sheets of plywood in half, radial arm saws with 30' tables Sanders, pneumatic tools...etc...

I got all that down...I got skills...I am a man...a man's man or can be, but I also have my softer side and like to wear pretty things, put on my make up, fix my hair put on my jewelry and just relax and be with the girls and talk...I also do domestic chores...dishes, floors, clothes...etc

I am an RN I use that know how to care for my wife. I singlehand my sail boat last week I "Mrs C. T. our nurses aid got more shots of me today on SV Felicity my 1967 Morgan 24. Wish I had some shots to document when the wind picked up...I got to spend the afternoon riding heeled over 30 to 45 degrees...steering with my leg like a gas peddle, one hand for the main sheet...one for the jib sheet...had some very fast come abouts...and did that for a couple hours...fun standing on the other side if the cockpit with the boat heeled over...stern wave following...that was fun. Of course I need someone on the boat with me to take the pictures. Man a couple times I believe she was over 45 degrees so I had to pop the main or ease out some on the jib. I was out for fun so this did it."

So....Oh called to get a part shipped to fix the ceiling fan in our bedroom vs having to spend $90. to replace the entire fan, cut the power undo the wiring then wire the new one in and bolt it back in place...all because one bracket holding the fan blade broke...they just make those things out of pot metal! but called a number on the fan and they are shipping a new bracket for FREE! in 7-10 days....we will see if not $90 ugh!

Yeah I do have a lot of depth as a person. I am polite, friendly, and very loyal and devoted, married 25 years though the past 7 have been me providing care for her to the end and it's not over yet. Two grown sons out on their own one chancellor's list, Pre law...the other married working dispatch with the Police Department and part time with a security provider with plans to join the Air Force??

I am Retired, I am a successful person

But I just don't have the people thing down. My wife was my bridge to people really she had many many friends I am at a real loss as to how I am ever going to find another partner, right now I am just waiting for her to die, no longer knows who I am has been completely helpless and total care for the past 5-6 years. I do not know what to do.

I do not have the friend making gene and I tend to get by without anyone around yet I do not want to be alone.


You say ",it,s ...HOW... you interact with others , how friendly , how welcoming , how its about I,m .... really .... listening to you I don't just hear every 4 or 6 th word I hear every word , and then be able to natter with them ,"

I do listen...but I say what needs saying then walk off, I am not one for needless chit chat. I suppose like reading or popular culture and common shows people watch for me they all seem a huge waste of time.

Yet I do not want to be alone mind you and I am lonely and want someone to be with. I am a loan wolf howling at the moon hoping to attract a mate.

I suppose I want that one very close relationship and with that I was extremely pleased and had all that I wanted. When we got together with her friends or when we went out I had a life, I had it all but now that's done and I am up a creek without a paddle. I don't really want friends I want what I had until she got dementia but it's over...well not quite but it is starting to become much more difficult the transfers are practically dead weight and lifting a couple hundred pounds...it's a horror...busting rocks would be nothing compared to this.

And NO! Absolutely do not want to hang out with a bunch of glassy eyed cultists...If I wanted that I would not have quit the church and finally managed to get rid of them - gah! I had to rationalize to work myself into a position to say...ok...but I never really believed any of it...did it for my wife who did, I have too much of a background in science. Church people are nothing but leeches they want to suck away all of your time, effort without paying you anything for the work you provide, and your money on which the sky is the limit on how much of your money they would vacuum out of your pocket if they only could, and when they get together they only want to bolster their brainwashed state by chanting the word, reading the word, pondering the word, singing brainless crappy songs they have sung thousands of time and know by heart or they pray to their nonexistent being their fantasy being who they must convince their selves and everyone else exists. Don't believe because you are an agnostic...well you will come around they think in their mentally deranged state of mind. No...Objective Reality, Real life take the fantasies away. Yeah I could easily have these people coming to my house but they are not here out of any real care or friendship they want your mind, your time, your effort and your money everything else...real friendship is only a bait and switch to haul in lonely suckers of which one is born every minute.
No keep the cult and the cultists away. Nope I want to be with one special person, and any people who enjoy the same things I enjoy and who like the kind of person I am and like to be around me because we are alike - only those people are real friends. Does not take many people but I have no time to make the effort or to get involved when every day is taken up providing total care.

[Wesley]

Anne,
You have voiced many feelings that are totally valid. Questions and feelings many of us have gone through or will go through. It is as though we each know for whom the bell tolls. . .

You do amaze me. I enjoy reading your posts as you tend to be brutally honest and well spoken.

I wonder if to some degree several of us are looping around each others posts. I wrote last night about the differing needs of TG and Crossdressers and touched on many of the things you do. Hows and why's. . . tolerance and increasing need for stronger stimuli over time. . .That, lack of excitement that once coupled with our dressing. . . later emerging publically and finding no monsters were out there to take us down if we hinted of any feminine quality. They never emerged. People that care about us, accept us for who we are and still love us. those that do not typically are not worth knowing.

That feeling that you alluded to about an integration and happy co-existence of the two inner selves. The masculine intermingling with the feminine. . .and the sense of self that comes with it. Many people wage continuing battles withing themselves in that struggle. . . they almost always loose something in the battle. Letting go, and as you said, "going with the flow" is the simpler path. It leads to quicker resolution of the issue and less stress.

WE ARE WHO WE ARE!

I don't think any of us who crossdress would have wished for this unique attribute. But, for whatever reason, it happened. Make peace with the inner self and move on. Realize that dressing leads to less stress. . embrace it as life is way to short to spend it dwelling on what others think. Who will remember us as crossdressers in 100 years? Hell, Next week even?

Regards,
Wesley

[Emily]

Nothing to add really, just wanted to say that you make a lot of interesting points, Anne.

This particular point is one that I can totally relate with!

The clothing no longer has that "special" feel as if they are made out of paper and must be kept spotless, and carefully hung or folded and put away as if they were a precious secret treasure, if they wear out I buy more! I run out of make up...I purchase more.

I just went out to get more makeup last night - clothes scattered all over the place as I tried to figure out what the heck was I going to wear!?!? All part of the "becoming normal" aspect of our lives, I imagine.

[Anne Bonny]

Had to go back to review what I wrote last MAY!!! Ok...Let me update all of this some... sometime after May I felt as if I were pushing too hard as if there is an evolution with an end point. In my mind at that time that end point would be to have my feminine gender find true parity with my masculine gender. That is that I would eventually be completely open and out to everyone everywhere with the limit on a few people in my life who would not accept it an older and very traditional sister, and my wife's side of the family who live over 70 miles away and who now I rarely see except for my wife's mother and one of my wife's true friends who drives her over every other week. Could not therefore be out on FB with all of this and with the pictures of my self in feminine attire and make up etc....

I mean there are limiting factors...there are people in our life who we value...my mother in law...wife's family....uh I can lose all of them once my wife...is...gone. Sharing our fem self with some would mean they will reject all of who we are and leave...OR they would make our life a real pain needling us because they believe Psychiatry and medication will turn us into cis gender people...uh...nope!

I also felt back in May that I was over reaching and trying to push myself...soon after I felt...I should make a concerted effort to become cis gendered for the rest of my life so I made a huge effort to stop and to try to cultivate my masculine side....seemed to work for a while but as with every time I have ever tried this...It was a major fail! I packed everything up removed it all from the drawers, boxed the shoes, make up, jewelry all out of site with an idea of eventually moving it to the garage if that would not disturb my psychie too much and cause waves...then take it all to good will once I was sure in a year or two.

Well slowly it began to creep back so I decided to just keep it private...eventually It has evolved more so what I am really after now is to just find my natural balance for where I am now.

In the future who knows...I might once my wife has gone, and If I am lucky enough to find a new partner in life...a woman who is openly accepting, matter of fact, even desiring and encouraging I might indeed wind up living quite openly and perhaps the feminine part of my self might achieve parity though my masculine side will probably always be the greater part of who I am. That I believe would be "nirvana" for me to indeed achieve a very natural and easy balance.

I do believe we need to find the balance that fits where we are currently and go with our personal flow and that this may evolve some but there is a limit for each of us.

I think for myself personally If I am able to find the right lady...she will not bat an eye when I duck into the bedroom then come out feminine for perhaps several hours....the rest of the day...or couple days and that she would think nothing Just chilling at home or of saying Hey, let's go over to so and so's or let's go for a drive, or go shopping, or go out to eat no matter where my gender happens to be. Who knows...perhaps someday I could be there it may be fantasy now but it is not outside the realm of possibility. Such an endpoint is very possible because there are full timers out there leading their lives enfemm. I am a part time girl...gender fluid...have always been and most likely will always be I do believe that I have that right about myself.

I would just say you need to understand who you are. Then you need to know where you are and what is realistic for yourself at this time. Finally you should understand that we all change and we may grow somewhat over time and find our optimum end point. We are all very unique and different.

Don't push it just relax and let what works right now happen easily find your comfort level.

Kind of wordy and rambling...sorry.

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I went for full make up, forms etc...flats I am at home. Son has come and gone, Wife's Nurse came and went, MIL and friend would have come by now so my whim was to flow over here for a while.... Will have to go change (her not myself) and clean up my wife...morning care and feeding prior to going for my run but not punching a time clock...have to finish plugging in the income but after the run.

Were someone to come to the door? I don't know...I mean it is no longer panic struck adrenaline flowing duck and hide and change as fast as possible...I got over all of that over a year or so back. Now the only consideration is is it someone I do not want to share my femm self with...or someone who potentially knows someone tangentially that potentially should not know? If not it is up to me if I want to try to change quickly prior to going to the door. I don't know should the social worker drive up unannounced I would be comfortable I believe...in-spite of an all to easy of course answer from her to protect my privacy and not share this with anyone else due to HIPPA laws I would still just understand word within the hospice would spread about me... but I would not really care about that because I have every right to be who I am, and because this service is covered and paid for...they are being paid and hence would be professional and accomodate to my face at least and pretend to approve if they really do or not. As with my sitter she is employed so what can I expect but full positive acceptance and support for me...though I do believe she really is...no skin off her nose and she has given me tips and has even bought a few items for me I covered the cost of course.

So this is my present comfort level there are no negative vibes no rejection or disapproval in my own home and I can just be myself for crying out loud! I have every right to be especially here!

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In reality though...those who do not like or who are unwilling to accept who I am...talking about like where I am today on my femm side...can just stuff it! I mean what business is it of anyone's how I feel or what I happen to have on!? I am not running around the house in high heels, a thong, full make up and jewelry and a smile! Geeze!.... I am mainstream frumpy...brown knit top, brown paisley like floral design in a tan and my brown ballerina flats with make up and jewelry and my hair fixed as best I can fluff it up and style it ... I am letting it grow out more but we aren't there yet. Fricking Hell! Why on earth should how I am dressed be of concern to anybody other than myself!? This just happens to be my feminine casual normal and seem to prefer skirts and dresses of late so what!? I do have shorts and jeans too in my feminine clothes but I am wearing what I want and am quite comfortable. Any who would object should just bugger off! You know!? If someone drives up that decision is also mine and no one else's too! For now I am just dressed....In clothes...If I were on my other side would it matter - hell no it wouldn't! So yeah any who object can bugger off.

Thing is...for women and people like us wearing a skirt or a dress is really not that much different than wearing a pair of shorts...they are just more comfortable... more stylish, prettier, feminine ... but in the end there is no reason males can't wear dresses and skirts too if that is...they like us want to. Women already dress male if they want to but the revolution is now over here for people like us. If you are a man with the correct gender part time or otherwise they are just clothes! They are clothing options in our wardrobe and that is about it. We cannot choose our gender or having two genders in our head it's just who some of us are sometimes we are in with the women more that's about it.

You know...right now If someone came up and rang the door bell I could just go to the door and say "Hey, come on in!" And carry on the visit from there...you see? When I am "here" in this current mind set Anne has true parity with my masculine side. This is normal!!! No other thoughts than that. So in some respects I have arrived, I am where I should be where my Anne side should be...now, when Anne can carry this out into the world any and everywhere my femm side will be equal in every respect to my masculine side...just depends on where my gender is at the moment which way it happens to flow. This is the optimum outcome and is the end point we are all or should all be aiming for.

The "danger" for all of us is....once this mindset is there in your head, you could easily make the "jump to light speed" and open up on Facebook with pictures, and going out without a worry who knows. It is YOUR life and it should not be a life sentence in confinement because you really are different from most in that you are gender fluid or transgender so shouldn't we really make that jump? I am held back by those I care about who I would not want to lose. Swimming against the current, a current that is beginning to shift a little or some what in a more favorable direction as society changes and evolves is still hard and you had better have a tough hide and be prepared for the idiots who are so fearful they become violent or verbal.

[Heather W]

I would just say you need to understand who you are. Then you need to know where you are and what is realistic for yourself at this time. Finally you should understand that we all change and we may grow somewhat over time and find our optimum end point. We are all very unique and different.

Anne while most of your posts ring true for most of us whether we want to admit it or not this one statement rings so true, especially for me. I know I have changed vastly from a shy crossdresser of a few years ago and I credit that evolution to exactly what you say, understanding myself.

I hope and pray everyone in the Haven reads your entire post but most importantly that one paragraph because if we want people to accept us for who we are we have to first accept ourselves.

[Stephanie M]

I hope and pray everyone in the Haven reads your entire post but most importantly that one paragraph because if we want people to accept us for who we are we have to first accept ourselves.

That's the hard part, took me a hell of a lot of years to accept myself. And I still struggle from time to time but nothing like before.

[Stephanie M]

I really enjoy reading your posts Anne, in some ways I see myself in what you post, in some ways not so much but each of us is unique in every aspect of our lives so naturally that will pertain to this.

[Anne Bonny]

Wow....I'm flattered....people read this stuff. I am very pleased if I am able to help anyone. We are all struggling and trying to understand and to accept this part of who we are. From there life for this side of ourselves can begin to grow.

I have never felt more centered and normal when I find myself drifting over to my feminine side. Then to go put on my make up, select what I would like to wear and move on over then continue on my way for several hours doing whatever I would have done anyway. Just like our personality, the things we need to do remain the same too...Doing the bills, taking care of my wife (in my case), doing a little light house work the usual maintenance none of it is gender specific, no matter our gender the same things have to be accomplished.

I regret with my younger son home from school from the 11th of December through the 11th of January I plan on not dressing except for sleep. My sons I sense want to see their father though they have seen me dressed. This is where I am in my life. It is a reasoned comfort level not to push or to swim against the stream. This does not mean I do not accept who I am, I have no problem standing up for myself rather I much prefer full acceptance without any reservation from any who are around me.

Anne is with me every day in my head though she may be an asterisk far in the back of my mind. Ha, I was telling our sitter I say eye make up that I would like to purchase for myself and that I need a new nail buffer but acknowledged to her yesterday afternoon, at the moment I am not interested and do not particularly want them because my masculine gender was present...amazing how it works but I will over ride this desire my masculine side can buy my feminine side a gift! And she will love it!

So this is how it is for me and how my life will continue on for the rest of my life. My legs are smooth and hair free, my toenails hard shiny and red, and my fingernails are a little past my fingertips, and My hair is a little shaggy but I do intend to allow it to be so because my feminine side needs to be able to style it like in my avitar which I believe to be an acceptable length as a compromise...I have never liked short short hair even as a guy, I have always preferred to style it a little Kind of like the Jackal in the 1973 movie The Day of the Jackal...that is a very old reference but hairstyles do not really change for men. I am also thinking about dropping my weight from my current 162.7 this morning to 157 as that is within the range for my medium 5'9" male frame...but moves me closer to the weight 151 that would be near where I would probably weigh if I were a woman. though I see a large frame woman of my size can weigh between 149 and 170 so ... hum at 162 lbs perhaps I am there.

I suppose knowing I have been this way as far back and probably prior to that at age 9...I am just trying to find a medium ground for myself. I want to look my best no matter my gender but especially when I am feeling feminine. There is a limit but with correct make up technique, and hair, and the right clothing...Anne can achieve her best look...I think the avitar thumbnail is the best I have ever looked.

I have started to use aveeno moisturizer on my face daily for a long time, and also aveeno body lotion on my forearms...running in the sun...and age. But I eat balanced, and exercise as anyone reading my posts cannot miss...I am obsessed, but that kind of obsession being inclined to health and fitness is something to be recommended.

Oh well, I am so glad to be on this board and to have others to share with, maybe someday I might look for a group to belong to even if I have to start one on my own locally. I am not an activist but we all need support, lots and lots of it. Later...

[Stephanie M]

Heck I'm flattered you read and respond to me too. It's nice to have someone to talk about this stuff with