Which way from here?

[Anne Bonny]

Ok moderators....I see this as a coping kind of issue and input is sought...but if inappropriate move it to my day in the life area... I do try to get the proper things in the proper place and I try not to break the rules or offend...Ok disclaimer done...here goes....

I am surviving the dietary upheaval 162.2 this morning...up only .2 lbs....solid squares are falling and project that I can reach my goal of 157 pounds before the 27th of January...I have met and maintained all that I have wanted for myself for over 3 years so that is wonderful. I am fit and I am healthy. Had a brief talk with my son who is in college who states who I am does not bother him, he does not care about it. So it's who I am and I am gaining more freedom to be who I am. 

Having followed the videos of a beautiful transsexual  on You Tube she is just amazingly beautiful and perfect and no one even knows that she was once like myself. She is living developing relationships, is active on the racing circuit, is an engineer, speaks french and she is English with a beautiful accent, long blond hair..she is just amazing. I am learning so much from her. 

I have to say that I am a bit confused about myself..it does cause you to question and to really take a look at ourselves because am I a man simply because of my sex, how I was raised and socialized and have had to live in society meeting expectations to have a successful career and make it through to retirement...while all along from a very early age...I became aware at age 9 how I enjoyed when I found and then started to put on feminine clothing when I was able in secret, a secret which was never discovered. Over a life time mentally I am someone who can never let something go...I have to work until I have figured it out. The internet came along...and I did a search and found my first blog. As time moved along I of course began to purchase my own feminine clothing and things. I struggled with the faith I was raised ...practically brainwashed to have...eventually I realized I am agnostic and much prefer rational reality based on what can be known. At age 40 I realized this is who I am but still I struggled about what to do with it, how to proceed and live...I have no friends, parents, grandparents, and soon my wife will be dead. our children know one is married with a small child and one on the way and working, the other in school so they are adults and are doing well on their own or nearly so. My wife's family are over 75 miles away and I rarely see them. I have two sisters, one who knows but who does not wish to discuss it further if it makes me happy fine..The other is traditional and religious so as with my wife's mother and one of my wife's life long friends who drives her over and all of her family except for one cousin who is fully accepting, The sitter I employ....

So...how to proceed and to live more openly...I have been out some but only in clothing that while feminine are so similar to men's that I do not stand out...Jogging clothes, a T and shorts...at home a polo and jeans with running shoes. Well I have worn make up and my jewelry but it is usually deserted practically. Truth is there is a limit on how far you can go with a male body. You can lose weight, be fit, grow and style your hair, do the grooming and allow nails to grow. You can learn to speak at the proper octave easily and you can do make up and find clothing which works but to proceed further you need to pierce your ears....Have Lazer hair removal if you have dark hair like myself on my face and for the sparce hair on my chest what there is of it...suppose I am somewhat lucky there...then you can go on a low dose of estrogen and here is where the transformation begins over a year or two...and you can have reassignment surgery. 


I had been thinking...I am "transgender" specifically that I am gender fluid but not transsexual with a desire to live this way the rest of my life. Right now....I will still switch so that my married son and his family have the father, and grandfather they insist on in their presence. If my sisters come or If I go to visit them once my wife is gone...I would again be obligated to present the person they think I am and would insist that I be...though my other sister would not care If I sleep in a night gown or wear lingerie under my clothing....she knows, accepts but does not want to know.

After that...what do I really want. I know If I go out into public I have to think about what I want. It is tough knowing most in society while they may remain quiet and keep their own business, internally reject and are repulsed...some would be perfectly supportive and accepting figuring I have every right to be whoever I am. And Again I feel I would like to achieve as seamless an appearance as is possible for me. Were I to live full time and be completely out in the open to the world and living freely in the world around me going everywhere anywhere I choose to go...that I would want no one to be able to even guess I was born and was at one time a man. I believe if that were possible for me in a perfect world I would seek transition because this is who I am. 

I am considering going back to see a counselor, unfortunately I know of none around here locally who would have the expertise, knowledge and background and experience to provide adequate gender counseling. 

Hum...well I am 59...I will have my ears pierced before the end of 2017 even if it is on December 31st 2017! With in the next year...Lazer hair removal...I hate shaving, and never plan to ever grow a beard or mustache my facial hair is sparse anyway and I haven't in 59 years anyway...so by the end of 2018 Lazer hair removal for my face and to clean off any on my chest too. In the following year seek out Estrogen by the end of 2019...After that...Surgery?? Not sure. but I certainly have no objections to having a female body presentation. 

Just as my mentor...Online mentor of sorts...We also have our personal lives. I am financially independent. And I also have and will have again once my poor wife is gone...interests and a life of my own to live. The running club...sailing....driving my antique sports car...enjoying life and travel...whatever interests me as I begin again to hope in finding a new partner but this time one who will know up front going in to a long term commitment outside of formal marriage I would think for the rest of my life these are my hopes and dreams.


It really all does just come down to being able to finally relax about yourself and who you are and get on with living the rest of your life openly...just doing it and being whoever you really are then you will feel happy and fulfilled... finally.

[Noeleena]

Hi Anne,

Its called walking out the door ,, and shutting it behind you, you don't ...LOOK... back you do not return you keep going on the path in front of you , you pick a flower you smell it you look at the beauty before you its small yet gives off a perfume that surrounds you, do you buy it no it was free,

You were given life , then live it did that flower choose what it was going to be ...no... did you ...no...

So do you look at beauty and wish you were as pretty as that flower , you don't see your beauty because you think your beauty is not as pretty as that flower why, ....Oh imperfections or detail you have you wish you did not you don't accepted your own beauty because you cant see past your self so you look at others and wish you were like them , accept your own beauty first , youll argue your not as pretty as some one you talked about .... you wish ....you wish..... when will you stop wishing and just walk out that door, once and for all never to return

your so hung up on others you cant see your self because of them

complaint,, your body is more male ,,,,oh your voice and on it goes , stop it , you keep going back so till you get your bum out that door you,ll never be happy, you keep looking at others ,

sort your thinking out you,ll never be like them you cant live their life nor they your.s .you are you and no one else , you look in that mirror ,and no doubt say mirror mirror on the wall whos the .......

you wont acceptance then stop looking in that mirror and think do people care what you look like or do you wont them to accept who you are what makes you you how you interact with others being involved and part of whats going on around you you wont friends then be one to them let them see you are real and you can be accepted ....just first things first ...ACCEPT .... YOUR....SELF.....

I know your life is different from mine .

sometimes we have to just get on with whats going on around us, yes I know im different and I could write a long list of details about myself and complain and bemoan the fact how I was born , I went out the door and shut it I looked at the path infront of me and started walking I refused to look back or left or right and im where I am now after 59 years because I belived in myself and knew where I was going I got frustrated cryed fell over got bruised abused beaten and put down ,I carried on ,

and scared am I pretty no , yet and theres more I did not let those details / things stop me I was able to grow because I belived in who I was / am , was it easy far from it,

I also asked for help and recived so much from others its just so lovely and neat and I,ll be doing it again soon. all im trying to out line is , you make those steps and make them work for you,

Get stubbon and pig headed you see that mountain and think I cant climb that rock face at near straight up. why did I find friends , because I knew I was.... NOT.... going to climb that rock face by my self I had help when I needed it most .,I still have a ways to go not far yet almost there = more corrective surgerys , I, more than happy and content ,

You must do this yet don't try by your self you need to have real friends to help you so what ya waiting for just go and don't say ......oh theres this..... and well this...... and .

Do You Really Wont to go ???.....Only you hold that key to the door .... are you going to use it,,,

...noeleena...

[Diana Michelle]

I wish I had something deep and meaningful to add here but Noeleena has put it all so well. The door is there and being a creature of free will you have a choice as to which side of it you are on. If that other side of the door is what you want go through it and go for what you want. Yes there may be sacrifices and hard choices but as we all know anything really worth having is worth fighting for it.

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you both....

I am pinned down here until my wife no longer needs care anymore. I believe honestly...I do not see how she can make it through all of 2017...don't know for sure but gosh she is in a very bad way.

Once she is gone I will begin I will be able to go out that door to the large group running events of the local running club, maybe I will meet someone?

On the gender front...yeah...be more out that door.

Be able to travel and stay in a condo on the beach. Have ears pierced, Lazer... I am really not sure what my road ahead holds...

I am so tired of sad circumstances it is in my face all day every day...wretched suffering as I care for her as she lingers and lingers but declines and declines. Of course I am not frustrated or angry at my wife my heart...we had a great and wonderful life together it is trailing gradually off to it's ending and to the parting of our ways. That is and will be sad and difficult but grief is expected even after years of suffering.

Yesterday I was finally pleased with my hair and make up I felt good about it, been a while...the hair is getting to a better length again.

Close one door, open a new one and walk through? Yes, I believe so the future is unwritten. I am not sure about some of it is it right for me first step is pierced ears...take 6 weeks to heal and you have to wear the studs for six weeks so I would kinda not want to do that with the Mother in Law and my wife's friend coming every other week. You don't tell everyone your business, if it is none of theirs and I do not want very conservatively religious traditional types around me during those 6 weeks. they come every other week! I suppose I am waiting for my wife to go because the 80 something mother in law who is bent and frail will outlast my poor wife but once my wife is out of her misery the mother in law will no longer be coming it should drop back to very rarely to see her grand sons perhaps but not me.

I suppose these things are perhaps excuses, yet they are legitimate in my mind...I am much more open in my own life.

Also, that it took most of my life to arrive at where I am now...some of it I put down to my generation born in 57, grew up in the 60's, 70's where as this present generation faces a much more open and accepting environment. I also held myself back...my fault but could not tell my parents..now buried at Arlington, VA. Had a career which would not have allowed gender issue, my wife, children...wife's family...I was hemmed into my role as a man while internal feelings were not always there but feminine coming and going.

A whole new world awaits me...I can now start anew...Yes I am 59...will be 60 in March age should not matter, I have 25 to 30 or more years ahead if not now when?

[Heather W]

I suppose these things are perhaps excuses, yet they are legitimate in my mind...I am much more open in my own life.

Anne they are only excuses if you use them as a crutch. With your circumstances I don't see them as that but rather an acceptance of the responsibilities and obligations you have. You should be commended for you efforts and patience. I have never been through anything as physically, mentally, or emotionally demanding as you are going through. You are a much stronger person than most of us and I wish you the best.

Please know my prayers are with you and we are here for you Anne.

[Anne Bonny]

Hey, thanks for that :D Yeah...I went out today bought a book called The Secret which is about attracting into your life the things you want..."how you can have, be, do anything you want. You will come to know who you really are. You will come to know the true magnificence that awaits you in life" Hum...probably rubbish Ha! But hey it is better to be positive and open.... What pisses me off is I know my wife was given a copy and I have seen it around here but unable to locate it spent $25!! And now the other copy will pop up somewhere...but I told another girlfriend about it and if I found it I would send it to her...she expressed some interest in reading it too.

Put on my make up...went to Walmart and purchases a 3 in one L'Oreal eyebrow pencil to try something different. One end is dark brown turned out to be the right color, the other end has a highlight for directly under the brow and a little brush to brush the brows. I just found a better way to do my brows...had been using a powder kit that worked well too but I like these grease pencils like for eye liner too, because they give better definition. My brow arches and trailing to more of a defined tapered end on the outside looks better.

I went for a walk with the dog, and I really felt just fine there were very few people out I had my sunglasses in my hair in case I wanted to hide but I wouldn't have. So took about 30 minutes about a 2 mile walk fully ...jeans polo, sweater and a colorful windbreaker white running shoes with all my jewelry rings, necklace, ear rings, make up, and my headset listening to music. This is who I am so I would have been ok if someone stopped to ask directions as happens sometimes who cares? It would have been just fine.

Also went jogging in my lady's kit but when out just under dressed bra, panties and ladie's trouser socks in a way well just being stealthy.

Happy new year! I am getting out.

[Victoria K.]

I truly understand where your coming from.Been denying my life for most of it and not doing that anymore.The only change in my life now is on the outside! The inside is still how i have always felt.Just do what you feel and do not look back.You will find it an easy task once you decide that you do not care what others think.It is your life that you should lead, so be real and enjoy your true self.

[Anne Bonny]

You also if you come up on someone do not have to look at them seeking approval or subjecting yourself to perhaps disapproval...you can look out at something else and just keep walking after all we should be just as relaxed about ourselves as we have always been. If someone smiles or asks directions...of course give it to them. We are in our real self this is who we really are.

This book...The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is well worth reading if you have not. There is very real power we ourselves possess to achieve everything we desire. To have, be, or do anything you want. to come to know who you really are. We attract into our lives like a magnet everything we think both positive and negative. We ourselves have the power within ourselves to achieve whatever we desire. It is positive thinking being open...but it is more than that. I tend to be rather jaded, skeptical but what they are saying in this book is really profound and potentially life changing...I will finish this book, as anyone I know knows, I rarely read a book, has to really be something to get me to read it through. As I think so I am....and so is my life and everything that comes now and into the future. It is very worth thinking about. It is a book that has the potential to alter how you think and with it your life too.

We have to think...What am I to you? What business is it of anybody's to attempt to dictate who we are? It is not anyone else's business but our own who we are inside as well as out. As long as as people we are every bit as kind and caring and as upright as anyone else.