What's the Worst that can Happen?

[Emily]

It's been on my mind a lot again lately... that need to be more open about my femme side.

So, I ask the question, what's the worst that can happen???

Telling my SO: this would be the hardest thing to do. I've tried telling her about my cross dressing before in the past, which was something that she didn't handle well. I feel that I need to try again and damn the consequence. The worst is that she breaks up with me. I love her and care for her very much, but I don't want to hide this part of who I am any longer. In the past, my biggest fear was that she would tell my friends, family and work that I was a cross dresser. This used to scare me a lot. Not anymore. However, if I really think about it, I don't think she would get too upset over the fact that I was dressing up... but rather the extent to which I've taken this and just the amount of femme stuff that I actually have. A huge difference from the days where all I would have is maybe a couple pairs of panties, some hose... maybe a silky slip. But now? Wigs, bras, forms, a full and complete wardrobe with shoes, boots, a ton of accessories... Sure, she'd probably dump me right there and then, but I just don't think I could handle seeing her hurt like that.

Telling Family: I have a great family and I feel that I could open up to either my mom or my sister. How would they handle knowing? Not sure... but I truly do feel that after letting it "sink in" that they would be understanding. Accepting? Maybe not 100% - meaning I don't think they would ever feel comfortable with me dressed up in front of them, don't think I would either for that matter, but in this case... that's probably worst case scenario. I don't think it would cause much upset or disappointment, it might generate some questions... but that's probably the extent of it.

Telling Friends: I have a great group of friends - sure they might make fun, give me the razz, but I highly doubt I would loose any friendships if they were to know. As a matter of fact, someone I know recently came out on FB. Not a direct friend of mine, but an acquaintance. He posted a pic of himself en femme and the reactions were all extremely positive! Not a single bad reaction. If that was the worst that could happen to me... then that's not bad at all. In fact, I was a little jealous to be honest.

Telling Work: I went into some detail in another thread about the reaction from work that I might get. We are a small, diverse group where individuality is welcomed! Of course I would expect some razz from work too.. but not malicious... all in good fun! If anything, I truly and honestly believe that it would not make one single iota of difference. Most of the people at work have already seen me with my nails done, eye makeup from the night before which I obviously missed... they already know that I am a little "different" anyways.

Really, the worst thing that could happen is the hurt that I might be causing my SO to feel. I really don't care what others think of me, and I don't want to hurt her... but it's becoming difficult to keep this secret. This, I suppose is what I need to figure out - how do I tell her? How do I minimize the hurt? The answers will come, but whether she accepts this time or not remains to be seen... at least this time, I will not make the mistake of telling her that this is just a phase and that I can stop. I know now that it just isn't true and that it'll never go away...

[CharLee]

Emma,
The only thing I can say to you is if your desire to dress is very important to you then you have to decide for yourself if you want to keep it a secret or " bite the bullet " and come out to people. If your relationship with your SO is based on love and respect, and you are honest and open with each other ( no secrets ) then a sit down talk is in order. If she is open minded then explain to her your need to dress and listen to her concerns and fears and try to come to an agreement that you both can live with. The way I did this with my wife was to send her an E - Mail baring my soul and being totally up front and honest with her my need to dress. This will give her time to digest your feelings and needs and also give you time to have answers to any questions she might have.

As to telling family members it depends on your family dynamics. If they are also open minded and accepting then all the better. If they are not, then respect their wishes and not dress in front of them. I told my whole family and some accepted me being dressed , others did not want to see me en femme and so I am never dressed when I am with them.

Friends and co workers are a whole different matter. If they are TRUE friends they may be taken aback but will try to understand and accept your dressing but will not desert you. With co workers I would check with your HR department on your company's policy about gender identity before venturing forward. But in the end the ultimate decision to come out is up to you alone and what you are willing sacrifice for your sanity and happiness.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

[Martina Hall]

Emma, if you once hinted that you enjoyed dressing, and your SO did not like it, maybe the best thing to do would be go total Mission Impossible, 100% secret, because revealing your stash of trinkets, toys, and slinky kinkies might make her head explode. This new info may put her over the edge.

[Eileen (SO)]

You already know 'what's the worst that can happen', Emma. Your wife will leave you. If you love her, friends, family, and work relations are secondary. She showed little acceptance before, but times have changed. Maybe your discussion attempt was clumsy, try a different approach.
I understand that the need to dress is overpowering. For some, more important than keeping a relationship. For myself, since cding does no harm, we choose the keep the relationship with limits on cross dressing. I shall hope that your wife, and many others, learn that cding is not a choice and accept her part time girlfriend.

How long have you been married? Are there children involved? Other than cding, is your relationship strong?
Best of luck.

Eileen

[LouiseK (F)]

Emma, I can only imagine how hard it is for you keep this side of yourself hidden away it must be very wearing and frustrating.

I think sharing this with your wife all in one go could be very overwhelming for her but having said that for your own health and sanity plus out of respect for her keeping a secret like that is not good, you say that you tried to tell her before and it did not go well. How did you try to tell her and how long ago was this? People and attitudes change over time I think we all mellow a little as we get older.

Maybe you could pick your moment carefully and try to test the water again If she is willing to talk to you about it then consider that a start. If she feels that she is in control of this I think it will be a lot easier.
Talk to her and explain how much it would mean to you, if she doesn't reject you out of hand then perhaps ask if she is ok with it would she consider buying you maybe some night wear or some undies just to break the ice. It is Valentines soon perhaps you can use that to your advantage but you must go at her pace so please be patient.
Sadly at the end of the day you may have to chose between her and your dressing, are you at that stage in your life?

As for telling other people my own opinion is that unless you are living openly why do they need to know. Of course I understand that you need some one to share this with and if it cant be your wife then yes you probably do need to tell some one else otherwise it must get very lonely for you. I would suggest your sister is probably the best person as you are both equals and have a life long bond but also I think most women are more accepting if it is a Brother, Son or friend rather than a life partner, i am not saying that is true across the board just reading some posts on here prove there are some very loving and accepting wives and girlfriends out there.
Anyway this all fairly new to me so its really only me trying to think how i would react or how i would like to think i would react.

Good luck with this i really hope you work it out x

[Emily]

Thank you, all for the replies.

Just to clarify, I am not married to my SO and we don't live together. She has a daughter, but no kids together. We've been together just over 14 years and I think I know what I have to do... just don't know if I can. Sorting out, trying to figure it all out.

Emma,
The way I did this with my wife was to send her an E - Mail baring my soul and being totally up front and honest with her my need to dress.

CharLee and I am so happy that it worked for you! A great idea, but when I first told my SO about my "experimentation" (because up to that point, that's all it really was) she was upset. I sent her an email and really opened myself up to her. Told her things that I had never told anyone else at that point. This was early 2003 (we had just started going out late 2002). She printed the email and I believe that she still has it. She has threated to use it against me in the past, which at the time (and for years afterwards) was a true and real fear. I'm not as worried now because I believe that it was only an empty threat. Maybe something she felt she needed to have in order to feel "in control"? I don't know...

Friends and co workers are a whole different matter.

Yes they are! I honestly believe that none of my friends would be affected in any way because of this. As a matter of fact, I honestly, truly believe that they would be the most supporting! Work... we do have anti-harassement policies including sexual orientation, gender identify and expression. Plus, the Ontario Commission of Human Rights state that companies must observe trans rights (cross-dressers are considered "trans" under Ontario law) and accommodate unless of proven undue hardship.

Other than cding, is your relationship strong? Best of luck.

Thank you, Eileen. We've been together 14 years, no kids... relationship is not very strong right now. There are glimmers of hope, and I guess that's what I'm holding on to... that maybe one day, things will be perfect! Things are rarely ever perfect in any relationship, I know that... but how much longer do I need to wait? how much longer does she have to wait? I know that I don't fulfill all her needs, (ie: she wants a place together, I don't) but I guess we must both be stubborn, hanging on to a dream that may never come true.

Emma, I can only imagine how hard it is for you keep this side of yourself hidden away it must be very wearing and frustrating.

Sadly at the end of the day you may have to chose between her and your dressing, are you at that stage in your life?

Thank you, Louise. It is frustrating... and that's why I feel the need to tell. Should I? Do I need to? Probably not, no... yet I feel that I have to. Can't quite explain why I feel I need to though. But, in regards to the relationship... its becoming clearer that I may have a choice to make. I made the mistake once of trying to change and believing that I could change. I know now that I can't. I don't want to make the same mistake again.

This new info may put her over the edge.

I'm afraid that this could be quite true, Martina. I need to approach very carefully.

[KimberlyS]

Emma I think you know what the worse that can happen. But usually our mind is very good at enhancing the thought of what could be the worse that can happen. What is the best that could happen? Your wife could totally accept Emma, your family and friends could all embrace Emma, and your work could welcome Emma with open arms. Emma could dress as she pleases where and when she wants.

The reality is it will most likely be somewhere in the middle. Your wife is most likely the most important and hardest one to deal with. A lot with your wife will start with how your relationship is over all with her. If your relationship with your wife is already rocky or not the best you need to start there. A strong relationship can get through a lot of things. Then secondary you need to look at your wife's current and past views. What was her upbringing, her religion up bringing as a lot of her acceptance may start here. As an example, my ex was brought up in a fairly conservative family and very conservative religion. My ex hated the way she her mom was treated by her dad and said her dad was abusive to her mom and her. How he was abusive she would not discuss much as she refused to deal with it as a couple or herself. As you can see I had a lot stacked up against me and from me calling her my ex you know that result. That was my worse what could happen. Hope yours works out better for you. The good side for me is I have found a wonder wife that is accepting of Kim.

[Nicole Rose]

hI Emma, hoping the best for you and gf, I know its not easy opening up and getting all this out, or is it, bet it feels great to unload all these emotions, being who we are is confusing enough to ourselves let alone others in our lives, that's life, not gonna change, so I hope the best for you emma. Maybey its time to have that long talk with your gf, I mean if your cdrsing is getting stronger, way stronger than it was years ago, it might be time to see if she will accept you or not, at least your not married and no kids, I know she has a daughter that is around 16, don't know how close she is, whatever you decide, remember we are all here for your support, I've only known you for about 1 year Emma, but I feel like its been a lot longer, whatever your decision I support youi 100%, your friend Nicole , ps, just a thought, you both might be happier as friends, rather than together, up to you to decide though? HUGS NICOLE!!!

[Anthony Simon]

We've been together 14 years, no kids... relationship is not very strong right now. There are glimmers of hope, and I guess that's what I'm holding on to... that maybe one day, things will be perfect! Things are rarely ever perfect in any relationship, I know that... but how much longer do I need to wait? how much longer does she have to wait? I know that I don't fulfill all her needs, (ie: she wants a place together, I don't) but I guess we must both be stubborn, hanging on to a dream that may never come true.

I'm concerned that you're mixing up two things. On the one hand, you want to tell someone about your CDing. On the other, your relationship with your SO is not good.

They might be linked. Like if your SO accepted your CDing, maybe you wouldn't feel the need to keep your privacy and you could move in together.

It's just, if they're not linked then, by pushing your CDing in her face, you may force a rupture on the wrong basis.

[Emily]

just a thought, you both might be happier as friends, rather than together, up to you to decide though?

This is very, very true. Its becoming clearer that we seem to be going in different directions. She's got a lot on her plate right now, so I don't want to rock the boat too much... but I will need to be making some decisions soon.

I'm concerned that you're mixing up two things. On the one hand, you want to tell someone about your CDing. On the other, your relationship with your SO is not good.

I'm more than sure of that. I feel I need to let this secret out. Why? Not sure, but that feeling never seems to want to leave... But I can't really say anything because my S/O really ought to be the first to know... which she does, or she did. I tried really hard to convince her that I was done with CD'ing. I think in worked for a brief period of time before I was right into it again... Just didn't let her know about it. I guess its in a way, it's why I feel the need to say something, if not to friends, then at least to family. Who knows? Maybe its not about CD'ing at all... maybe its just wanting to be more open and honest about who I am to those closest to me?

What is the best that could happen? Your wife could totally accept Emma, your family and friends could all embrace Emma, and your work could welcome Emma with open arms.

Absolutely, Kimberly! I like this thought! I am so happy for you to have an accepting wife! I can only imagine what that can be like! I know I've gone on about this a lot in the past... almost seems like I'm going around in circles as I try to figure out the best way to approach this. I think for me, I just need to be honest... not going to come right out and say anything, but if asked, I'm not going to lie and I'm not going to hide. Just going to be me!

[Anthony Simon]

It may be she wants you to commit - wants the security of a long-term relationship where you have made a commitment to living your lives together. Which perhaps doesn't suit you.

If that's the root problem, I don't think you should mix up the CDing with it.

[DonnaT]

Have you read the thread at http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... f=17&t=107" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Your current relationship is less than rosy, apparently. Telling her will likely not make it better.

Making it better (whatever that entails) and then telling her would probably be devastating.

What to do, what to do?

Depends on your need to tell, I reckon.

If there is no way to continue with the relationship without telling her, today, tomorrow, next year, 5 years, then (if not worried about friends, family, work) the sooner the better.

[Stephanie M]

There is no easy answer, here is something to think about though. Which way will hurt her more in the long run? Coming clean now? Continuing to hide it and have her discover it by accident?

I know that is a hard question to answer. It was hard coming clean to my wife, but it felt much better after I did. The fear of losing her made me not disclose it right away. She knew I wore panties and didn't care but I withheld the lingerie from her out of fear. It took her a few weeks to adjust but after that she got used to it and hardly gives it a second thought today.

I wish I could say it would work out for you if you did this but every person is different so it's really up to you to figure it out. The good news is you have friends here to talk to about it.

On a lighter note, I once told my wife she doesn't have to worry about me trying to get in to any other woman's panties, I have my own.

[Emily]

Good one, Stephanie! No, there really is no easy answer... I guess I'm still trying to figure out what that answer is. Something I've been trying to figure out now for years...

Have you read the thread at http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... f=17&t=107" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Your current relationship is less than rosy, apparently. Telling her will likely not make it better.

I think I may have briefly skimmed through that post before... but this time, I actually read the whole thing through and thank you for that, Donna. Very insightful! But, yes... currently, the relationship is not very good... in part due to me. I know that.

It may be she wants you to commit

Undoubtedly yes... she wants that. I don't. And no, not just because of cross dressing... because I enjoy living on my own. I like my independence, and if not for being in a relationship, I guess you 'd call me one of those quirky alones. We did live together once... I knew the day I moved in that it was a mistake. Actually before that even, but by then, it was too late. This is one of the major differences we have... she thinks that one day we will have a place together even though I tell her that I can't make that promise. This news was devastating to her and I feel bad, but I know that it will just make things worse.

And why this need to feel more open in the first place? Well, for one, its something that you really should do in any loving relationship. I know that, and Donna's link reinforced it. Why the "fear" of telling? Hmmm... not that I have that much fear of telling, but if she discovered how far I've taken this... it'd be a different kind of conversation then anything we have discussed in the past.

I imagine that in most cases when the husband admits that he's a cross dresser the wife would have questions... Going by personal past events all I ever got was accusations and being told that I was a liar. It wasn't a good sit down conversation - quite the opposite... I guess I just didn't want to go through all of that again. I guess I figured it was easier to keep this hidden. Maybe I just didn't want to be made to feel like a bad person. She has tried to understand and accept... she really did, but never quite could. We explored together tough a few times, it was fun, but last time was 2007.

Next thing... she wants a man. She likes manly guys and while I guess I am a little effeminate, she's ok with that to a certain extent. But... I am finding that I want to present myself more en femme and that includes physical presentation as well. IE: body shaving, etc... she has seen me like that before and hates it. I like it. So what am I to do? Its my body, right?

And what if I get asked that question... do you want to be a woman? 14 years ago I would have said no... but now, I'd be lying. Not that anything will ever come of it, but there is a part of me that yes, does wish to be a woman. Why is that? What led me to this? I don't really know... I can't explain it... but these are thoughts that have been keeping me up late at night. The last time I had similar thought was back when I was ten year old just wishing... wishing... wishing that I could be a girl. Then they were gone. Now they've come back. Can't explain it... Maybe I'm just having a mid life crisis??

Last point... friends and family... often times they want to come visit me, but I have to tell them no. I have so much femme stuff that it is impossible to hide. So, I just don't have anyone over. I never have to worry about my SO... she resents the fact that we have separate places and therefore refuses to come over, which actually works in my favour. But if friends and family were to know about Emma, then maybe I could invite them without worrying what they might see... And there's always that unavoidable question: what if anything were to happen to me? What if all my stuff was discovered? Who might find it and what would they think? "What was he into? What was he doing?" I want my friends and family to know me, and while I don't think they would ever see it as "deceit" I often wonder if they would ever feel bad because they feel that I couldn't open up? I just mean to a certain few... not like I'd be announcing it to the world... just those closest to me.

So, why all this fuss? Is there really any reason? If my SO leaves me because of it, would that affect me? Probably not really in all honesty. Deep down, she is a good person. I believe that she wants the best for both of us, but I also believe that we are just headed in separate directions. I know she is going through a lot right now with school... trying to make a better future. I am behind her 100% and doing all that I can for her. I don't think it's fair to dump this on her right now, but once she's finished we will have the talk... if she hasn't dumped me by then that is! If we're still together by then... I'll tell her. If she finds out before, I will come clean. If she accepts... great! A surprise no doubt! But I don't think she will. If we do break up, then I think it will give her a chance of finding exactly what it is she wants in a man and a relationship. All I know from the past conversations that we've had is that she doesn't want a crossdresser... OK, maybe occasionally for drunk fun n games... But I definitely know she doesn't want a man who wants to be a woman.

[Anthony Simon]

It may be she wants you to commit

Undoubtedly yes... she wants that. I don't. And no, not just because of cross dressing... because I enjoy living on my own. I like my independence, and if not for being in a relationship, I guess you 'd call me one of those quirky alones. We did live together once... I knew the day I moved in that it was a mistake. Actually before that even, but by then, it was too late. This is one of the major differences we have... she thinks that one day we will have a place together even though I tell her that I can't make that promise. It may... it may not, but right now its something that I don't want. This news was devastating to her and I do feel bad, but I know that it will just make things worse.

Well, strictly speaking, you didn't tell her the truth. It sounds as though is you don't forsee yourself ever being happy to live together. You said to her you can't make the promise that you will live together, which is wholly different.