In the beginning there was Bryan...

[Brianna]

Hi! I thought I would post my story, or should I say continuing saga?

Like many, I remember when I was quite young I tried on my sisters dresses. She was a couple years older than me and boys don't really hit that growth spurt until they are in their teens anyway. I was probably 5 or 6 at the time. I would go downstairs and it got quite a laugh.

When I was about 11 years old, my cousin had a birthday party. Only girls were invited. My older cousin said that her brother and me could attend the party if we dressed as girls... we did. It was an awkward experience but hey... there was birthday cake at stake. (Now really, tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing given the opportunity.) I remember I even got to wear fishnets!

Later, when I was probably 12-13, I went out dressed as a girl for Halloween. I had a bad wig, my sisters bra stuffed with tissue, and her dress. I can't really remember a lot about the experience. I did get a couple of favorable comments.

That was the end of dressing for many years...

When I was 17 or 18, I was laying on my side in the living room. I remember my father commenting that I had a good figure for a boy. I do have pretty good hips and I have had positive comments about my bum.

I went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show and I remember the song at the end... "Whatever happened to Faye Wraye? That delicate satin draped frame... As it clung to her thigh, I started to cry, because I wanted to be dressed just the same." I could really identify with that song...

Hmmm... after that I got religious so I had to bury any thoughts about dressing... that was followed by the military so I really had to bury those feelings... Then I got married...

Once when I was in the military I did purchase and wear a girdle. That was an interesting experience but it didn't last long.

It wasn't until about 1995 when I was in Mississippi that I was able to start testing the waters... I would go to K-Mart or Wal-Mart to try on the girdles and All-in-ones. I was really concerned about my continuing tendency to put on weight and I was looking for some way to control it. I remember how delightful it was to sneak into the ladies area and smuggle a few pieces of women's lingerie to the mens dressing room and try them on. It's quite amusing as you wriggle into and out of a piece of shapewear in a room right next to a guy trying on a pair of jeans or something ordinary like that.

In 1998 I was back in Mississippi and I went to see a drag show with a female friend. I was amazed at how beautiful some of the ladies were... and I'm talking about the crossdressed ladies. By comparison, it was obvious they took a lot more pride in their appearance than their genetic counterparts... at least that night they did.

So, finally in 2001 I freed myself, (temporarily,) from my marriage and started exploring life. It has lead me in many directions. I started by purchasing bras and panties from the Thrift stores in the area. I had no idea what size I would be or what size I wanted to be. Rather than invest a lot of money in new lingerie, I chose used. I remember confiding in a female friend my interest in crossdressing. She was very supportive and I had her help me figure out what looked reasonable in terms of bra size... Of course, by then I had visited the local store that caters to crossdressers and they suggested something I thought was unimaginable! I'm still trying to decide where on this scale I want to be but I think they were probably close to the target... And I suppose it has a lot to do with whether I want to pass during the daytime or go out only in the evenings or dress at home. (More on that later under a different post.)

I purchased some makeup but in retrospect I chose colors that were very poorly suited for me... I looked like some goth queen with a pale face and dark eye shadow and brows... something like Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror but not as well done.

After a year of being apart I moved back home. Not really because I wanted to, (I was enjoying my new life too much for that,) my wife's job was unstable and I couldn't afford to support myself and her too. So, into storage went all of my panties and bras. I went back to being unhappy and unfulfilled.

I got involved in a community theater group and that was one of my first positive experiences with makeup... I went with my friend down to a store that carries stage makeup to pick out a foundation makeup. I was very washed out on stage on opening night and that wasn't going to happen again. Is anyone elses face darker than the little area on the back of your hand that you test foundation on? or am I a freak?

Now my wife has a job in another state. I've had the house to myself and I have been enjoying it a lot. With some assistance of my friend, I have picked out different makeup better suited to my coloring and have played with it some... At the moment I can't really get too into it because I am playing a cavalier in a play and I've been growing the pencil thin mustache and Van Dyke goatee... I will have that for a while longer... perhaps a month or so. Then I will shave it off so I can try out the makeup again. (The eye shadow is the worst for me.)

I've been exploring shapewear and trying to determine which way to go. I also have been "releasing" some weight. (I don't want to ever find it again, thank you very much. It can be free!) I'm interested in vintage girdles and corsets. I need some help accentuating my waistline. Nothing too extreme but I would like to reduce my waist at least 2-3 inches for the time being.

I'm still struggling with a persona for this female inside me. I think she has expensive, luxurious tastes. I think she wants to play in gowns and things like that. But at the same time she doesn't want to be as pure as the driven snow either...

Oh well, I'll keep you posted on the developments as they occur. I am still trying to decide on bust size... only I can decide what's best for me.

I hope you enjoyed my saga. It's been a long road to here and I'm just starting to see the horizon.

Brianna

[Beauty]

Hi Brianna,

I love long stories. Especially when they are as good as yours was.

Thank you for taking us through your journey as a crossdresser. It was great. I wish you the best as you accept yourself.

Please read more of the forum. You will find lots of support here.

Thanks again for taking the time to post such a great beginnings story.

Beauty

[Virginia]

Brianna,
What a great story! I picked up on one thing you mentioned. "I'm still struggling with the personna for this female inside me." I think some of our sisters don't grasp that VERY important part of this journey. According to Carl Jung the eminent philosopher he said that the merging of the two personalities Male and female produce a result that this greater than the sum of the parts. I can only recommend that you nurture Brianna and let her do her thing so to speak, but you must also control her. I do not know what your future expectations are but you basically have four choices as I see it. 1. Continue (controlled) CD'ing until you die. 2. Become a fulltime CD'er, i.e. 24/7. 3. Take the big steps of pills and possibly the ultimate - SRS. 4. This is kind of where I am. You actually move beyond the actual physical desire to CD and work on merging the two personnas into one. This, acccording to Jung, is the ultimate goal, i.e., to produce a new, better, wiser, more compassionate individual.
I don't know if this helps or if it is information overload, but you may want to read "Jung's Anima Theory and How it Relates to Crossdressing." It can be found at: http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm
Love,
Deborah

[Brianna]

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my story. I suppose it seems rather common place to me but then again I live it 24/7.

I can say that my friend has told me on more than one occasion that she has NEVER met anyone quite like me. I think she has lead a sheltered life.

Thank you once again for you positive comments.

Brianna

[Kyra]

Hey Brianna,

I really liked reading your story. I glad you shared it with us. I guess I'm kinda like Beauty, I like the long stories. Maybe it's because I'm just impatient and want to absorb as much as possible all at once.

Well, I just wanted to thank you for opening up and being yourself.

Talk atcha later.
Hugs,
Kyra

[Josey]

Hi Brianna,

Great story. Sounds like your head is screwed on just right. Please tell us more.

[Brianna]

Tell you more... wow! now that seems like a challenge. I can honestly say that I tend to be an introspective person but it's tough to know exactly what to tell.

As I mentioned earlier, I haven't got all this figured out yet. This voice (no, I'm not hearing voices, it my own voice) keeps screaming inside my head wanting to go shop for bras and panties. In fact, I just came home from work by way of the mall. I was able to restrain myself but just barely. Buying a new bra or pair of panties seems better than Christmas. I can hardly wait to get home to try them on. Of course, I'm just going to have to wait until I get fitted again. I want to make sure I'm buying the right size bra since I just got my breast forms.

I also need to take some serious measurements of my body. I plan to use a corset to pull in my waist to create more of an hour glass figure. I think I am too tall to have a true hour glass figure but I still want my proportions to be within a certain range. Once I have the measurements, I think I will be able to make much better choices when shopping. At the moment I have been using the trial and error method. I suppose once I have purchased enough, I will have a feel fo what size I will need.

I really like shopping. It doesn't matter what it is for. I just love going to check out everything. I am the ultimate researcher... I like to check out everything before I buy. There are very few items that I buy impulsively. At one point, way back when I was about 18-19, I used to think that this or that would bring me happiness. Oh, if I only had a new guitar I would be happy, oh, if I only had (fill in the space,) I would be happy. Wrong! No material possession has ever really brought me happiness. Sure, I like having nice things as much or more than the next girl... I just know it's not going to fix the wrongs of my life. I used to buy a lot of stuff on Layaway just to make sure I was truly interested in purchasing something. If I could stick it out for a few months, then I must really want whatever it was.

I am very interested in the Performing Arts. What can I say, I'm a theater junkie. I love most musicals. They are my preferred choice of entertainment over almost anything. Of course, there are certain musicals I am not thrilled about. For example, I do not like Stephen Sondheim's work very much. I think he is a brilliant lyricist and bookwriter but I just don't like his music composition. Too syncopated and cacaphonic. I expecially like musicals where the lyricist is very witty. For example, Urinetown is very witty, some of The Full Monty is very witty. South Pacific... come on... give me a break. It's a classic and should be given it's props but it's not witty.

Well, I can't think of much more to write right now. I will continue my saga later this week after I visit the bra lady again. I guess I'll see what trouble I'm in on Thursday. As I encounter experiences that seem frightening, I am trying very hard to understand what the fear is and confront it. I never would have thought I would be in a room with a woman stripped down to my waist having her measure me for a bra? Well, when I read that more than 50% of all women wear the wrong size bra I thought, I don't want to be in that group. So off I went to get fitted.

I am really enjoying this forum.. Everyone is so nice and helpfull.

I'll post more soon.

Brianna

[Beauty]

Hi Brianna,

That was great insight to who you are.

Thank you for sharing more about you and I hope to read more about you in the thread and around the forum!!!

Beauty

[Brianna]

Beauty,

Thank for your encouragement. It seems very easy to open up and just be who I am here. No doubt over time you will be learning more and more about me as I develop and mature in this new life I am choosing for myself.

I suspect you will be seeing a lot of posts from me. I just hope my humor, which I admit is a bit peculiar, doesn't put anyone off.

Later,

Brianna