First I would just like to tell everyone how wonderful you have been to me. this is the first time in a very long time, if ever, that I have truely felt aaccepted. I have known about this place for a long time, but have been in denial about my true nature. I have been pretending for the last 10 years that I just prefered women's underwear, that i really am not a crossdresser. But the real truth is I am a crossdresser. Even though I have not fully dressed in while, I still long to. In real truth I have litereally talked myself out of wanting to be female. Not sure if this is good or bad, but I know that I used to really think about going all the way and becoming a female. Now that this rift has arisen again between my wife and me over crossdressing, speciifically the underwear, I feel it is finally time to just make a break for it, and finally face what I had always known I was going to have to someday. She knows if it were not for her resistance I would prolly be fully dressed all the time, somethiing she just plain does not want.. I have a daughter that is 21 a son that is 17 another son that is 12 and another son that is 10. Obviously she thinks that I would be a bad role model for them, being an open crossdressing. Even though I only wear womens underwear now. She has told me that she will not tolerate it, she will not accept it, and she wants a divorce. Since she has known about the crossdressing since 1987 and it has been the source of several near breakups already. I am pretty sure she is inflexable at this point. But now, all the the consequences that I have so worried about over the years. Being alone, having my chileren resent, and perhaps even hate me for what they may percieve as my selfishness in this matter. I am worried that I won't find anyone to love me, or for me to love. I feel like I am going off a cliff, but I also feel as if it is better than not going. But i am really scared about the future.
Elizabeth
So scared.
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Loretta Ann
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- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Elizabeth,
Please be very sure that this is really what you want to do, and not just because we would probably approve of it. From what you have told us I definitely approve, but for your own sake it has to be your decision.
No one can predict the future, so I can not help you there. What I can help you with is that by doing this you will be beginning to love yourself, for the first time in a long time, and the more fully you are able to do that, the more chance your future will have of being a positive experience.
You mentioned in an earlier post that you would be poor. I want to point out that in your present circumstances you now are a very poor man, unable to enjoy the financial riches you presently have.
No matter what the outcome of this will be, there is a life after divorce. I my self don't have a single person in my life now that I had before (except for one sister). Every thing is new including the relationship with my sister, and I would not trade it for what I once had. Not in a heart beat.
Although it was the hardest thing I have ever went through. It will not be easy, so try and focus on your freedom.
If you feel the need to talk to me more as you go through this feel free to send me a private message, and I will do what ever I can.
Please be very sure that this is really what you want to do, and not just because we would probably approve of it. From what you have told us I definitely approve, but for your own sake it has to be your decision.
No one can predict the future, so I can not help you there. What I can help you with is that by doing this you will be beginning to love yourself, for the first time in a long time, and the more fully you are able to do that, the more chance your future will have of being a positive experience.
You mentioned in an earlier post that you would be poor. I want to point out that in your present circumstances you now are a very poor man, unable to enjoy the financial riches you presently have.
No matter what the outcome of this will be, there is a life after divorce. I my self don't have a single person in my life now that I had before (except for one sister). Every thing is new including the relationship with my sister, and I would not trade it for what I once had. Not in a heart beat.
Although it was the hardest thing I have ever went through. It will not be easy, so try and focus on your freedom.
If you feel the need to talk to me more as you go through this feel free to send me a private message, and I will do what ever I can.
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
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Darlene,
Thanks for the sage advice. I know that no one can predict the outcome. I guess what I am saying is that whatever it brings, it certainly could not be worse than the life I have already lived. I am tired of hating myself. I am looking forward to exploring this part of me, as I have always wanted to. And yes I am still scared of the future because everything is so uncertain right now. But I don't remember what it is like to like yourself. I just want a chance to be happy.
Elizabeth
Thanks for the sage advice. I know that no one can predict the outcome. I guess what I am saying is that whatever it brings, it certainly could not be worse than the life I have already lived. I am tired of hating myself. I am looking forward to exploring this part of me, as I have always wanted to. And yes I am still scared of the future because everything is so uncertain right now. But I don't remember what it is like to like yourself. I just want a chance to be happy.
Elizabeth
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Loretta Ann
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
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Hi Elizabeth,
I can't give any better advice about things that Darlene just did, but I would suggest that you consider dressing for like a week straight or so before you assume you'll want to do it fulltime.
I've learned that when some of us repress CD'ing we often think we want to do it everyday, but the reality is we don't. So, if you have the chance to be alone for a week (the children go to visit the family and your wife goes too) Give it a try. You may be a crossdresser who only likes to do this part time?
Beauty
I can't give any better advice about things that Darlene just did, but I would suggest that you consider dressing for like a week straight or so before you assume you'll want to do it fulltime.
I've learned that when some of us repress CD'ing we often think we want to do it everyday, but the reality is we don't. So, if you have the chance to be alone for a week (the children go to visit the family and your wife goes too) Give it a try. You may be a crossdresser who only likes to do this part time?
Beauty
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Beauty,
You really seem to always think of the practical things. I really appreciate that. I know that I am on kind of an emotional high. I have already considered that I should not go overboard right away. I am going to tell my therapist, and start getting through some of my issues. I am certainly a long way away from the point where I would feel comfortable dressed all the time. I mean if I get to that point, it would be great, at least that is how is seems now, but it is way to early to consider such things right now. Right now I either have to get out of this marriage or my wife has to soften her position. I am going to start saving my money so I can leave. Only once this issue is decided can I think about those kind of things.
Elizabeth
You really seem to always think of the practical things. I really appreciate that. I know that I am on kind of an emotional high. I have already considered that I should not go overboard right away. I am going to tell my therapist, and start getting through some of my issues. I am certainly a long way away from the point where I would feel comfortable dressed all the time. I mean if I get to that point, it would be great, at least that is how is seems now, but it is way to early to consider such things right now. Right now I either have to get out of this marriage or my wife has to soften her position. I am going to start saving my money so I can leave. Only once this issue is decided can I think about those kind of things.
Elizabeth
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Beauty
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Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you for saying that. Regardless what you do, know that we'll be here for you.
I hope your wife does ease up some. Try to get her to come here. Tell her you just want her to try just once and that you'll never ask her to read anything else?
If she has e-mail you can copy and paste a thread that had some of the things she's worried about from the SO section?
Beauty
Thank you for saying that. Regardless what you do, know that we'll be here for you.
I hope your wife does ease up some. Try to get her to come here. Tell her you just want her to try just once and that you'll never ask her to read anything else?
If she has e-mail you can copy and paste a thread that had some of the things she's worried about from the SO section?
Beauty
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
This was her response to my last email where I suggested that she come here and read what wives and SO were saying. I said she didn't have to violate her own moral code by accepting it, she could instead just tolerate it:
>>>Is it not clear to you that I will not and cannot tolerate it??
>>>I have NO desire to tolerate it.
>>>While you do your research be sure and research how many
>>>marriages have been destroyed by your selfish obsession.
>>>It makes me nauseous...it sickens me...it always will...
>>>How can a marriage survive that way??...It hasn't...and won't.
She seems pretty inflexable. She could be bluffing, but I seriously doubt it. I think it is over. We are already emotionally divorced. I just don't have the money to leave, and neither does she.
Elizabeth
>>>Is it not clear to you that I will not and cannot tolerate it??
>>>I have NO desire to tolerate it.
>>>While you do your research be sure and research how many
>>>marriages have been destroyed by your selfish obsession.
>>>It makes me nauseous...it sickens me...it always will...
>>>How can a marriage survive that way??...It hasn't...and won't.
She seems pretty inflexable. She could be bluffing, but I seriously doubt it. I think it is over. We are already emotionally divorced. I just don't have the money to leave, and neither does she.
Elizabeth
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Josey
- Miss Platinum Goddess
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- Location: North Central Florida
Hi Elizabeth,
Let me say first that I realize that no two people's situations are the same no matter how much they may seem to be. Let me also say that both Darlene and Beauty have given you some very good advice.
I am alone in life right now. This is not by choice and not by the trauma of divorce but rather the trauma of death. Either position leaves you on your own. For many years, I felt all the same things you are feeling about my feminine desires. I wanted to be a female. I wanted to dress all the time. Once I found myself alone, I found that dressing was not as important a thing as I thought it would be. I now could dress 24 hours a day. Do I? No. In fact, I dress less now than I did in the past. I may dress every day for several days and then not dress again for two or three weeks. Even when I do, it will probably be in shorts and a top rather than the previous skirt with heels and all the goodies. It is far from the most important thing in my life.
Now, as for having someone else in my life, that is admittedly difficult. I am 62 years old and quite overweight. There are just not that many "cute things" breaking down my door to get to me. In fact, it took me over two years from the death of my wife before I wanted to socialize at all. Now, I am getting out a little but still not actively looking for company. One of the things that delays me is having to tell someone else about my desires to dress. I wouldn't do this unless I felt strongly for the person and I lack the self confidence to face rejection. That may take some time. I haven't found many good looking women with good personalities walking around with a sign on the front stating they love cross dressers!!!
Elizabeth, the point of all this is to point out that there is life after losing your SO not matter how that loss comes about. I agree with those who came before me that it is important that you really know that this is the action you wish to take. It is a big step. There maybe other alternatives, or there may not. This is totally your decision to make. Whatever you decide, we are here to give you support.
Let me say first that I realize that no two people's situations are the same no matter how much they may seem to be. Let me also say that both Darlene and Beauty have given you some very good advice.
I am alone in life right now. This is not by choice and not by the trauma of divorce but rather the trauma of death. Either position leaves you on your own. For many years, I felt all the same things you are feeling about my feminine desires. I wanted to be a female. I wanted to dress all the time. Once I found myself alone, I found that dressing was not as important a thing as I thought it would be. I now could dress 24 hours a day. Do I? No. In fact, I dress less now than I did in the past. I may dress every day for several days and then not dress again for two or three weeks. Even when I do, it will probably be in shorts and a top rather than the previous skirt with heels and all the goodies. It is far from the most important thing in my life.
Now, as for having someone else in my life, that is admittedly difficult. I am 62 years old and quite overweight. There are just not that many "cute things" breaking down my door to get to me. In fact, it took me over two years from the death of my wife before I wanted to socialize at all. Now, I am getting out a little but still not actively looking for company. One of the things that delays me is having to tell someone else about my desires to dress. I wouldn't do this unless I felt strongly for the person and I lack the self confidence to face rejection. That may take some time. I haven't found many good looking women with good personalities walking around with a sign on the front stating they love cross dressers!!!
Elizabeth, the point of all this is to point out that there is life after losing your SO not matter how that loss comes about. I agree with those who came before me that it is important that you really know that this is the action you wish to take. It is a big step. There maybe other alternatives, or there may not. This is totally your decision to make. Whatever you decide, we are here to give you support.
"The early bird catches the worm...But... It's the second mouse that gets the cheese"
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Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
Hi Elizabeth,Elizabeth wrote:This was her response to my last email where I suggested that she come here and read what wives and SO were saying. I said she didn't have to violate her own moral code by accepting it, she could instead just tolerate it:
>>>Is it not clear to you that I will not and cannot tolerate it??
>>>I have NO desire to tolerate it.
>>>While you do your research be sure and research how many
>>>marriages have been destroyed by your selfish obsession.
>>>It makes me nauseous...it sickens me...it always will...
>>>How can a marriage survive that way??...It hasn't...and won't.
She seems pretty inflexable. She could be bluffing, but I seriously doubt it. I think it is over. We are already emotionally divorced. I just don't have the money to leave, and neither does she.
Elizabeth
Based on this e-mail, it sounds like she is completele unwilling to make any attempt whatsoever at working with you on this. I may never have been married myself, but I do know that marriage is supposed to be a partnership. It's about give and take, 50/50. If one party is completely unwilling, then the marriage cannot work.
I am real sorry to hear that your wife is so unwilling. But if she has been as emotionally distant as you have mentioned, then you're much better off. Perhaps if you consult an attorney, they may be able to suggest ways of legal divorce without all the hassle and expense one might expect.
My own mother, the woman who gave me life, chose to cast me out because of who I am. Everyone in this world deserves the right to just be themselves. Everyone in this world deserves to be loved for who they are.
*hugs*
~ Lorna
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
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I don't want to not give her a chance to change her mind, but I also have to be realistic. I feel the chances of this marriage surviving are very slim. Fortunately in CA I can do the divorce myself, as long as it is not contested. I did her first divorce. Just pay $49 for the paperwork, and fill it out, pay a $150 filing fee, and it is all over. Takes 6 months to become final. I really love her, but I don't think she feels the same way, and perhaps never did.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth
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Beauty
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Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
Hi Elizabeth--
I can see why you're scared. It seems like you have to take a chance on losing almost all the security you've ever known, if you want to be whole.
Since this post, you have at least found some support with your brother, and that's good to know about.
But wife and family are such important people, real foundations for you. I'm not sure how important it is for you that your sons know. I think that you can get the freedom you need without involving them. Hopefully your wife will not tell them if you don't--that is a very unfair thing that can happen in divorces.
There does come that time for some of us, where we go out on a limb with all the important people in our lives. I know I had to do it. There is no real way to know the outcome ahead of time, and it does take some faith in the people involved.
But I guess I'm coming to the opinion that it's better to hold off telling children if at all possible. If you can raise them with CDing from the age of 2 or before, I'd be all for that. Most people can't afford to do that, since children do talk about things they don't understand to be private matters.
I'm sorry to read of your wife's feelings about it, but you're handling it in the best way you can. That is, you cannot change her feelings about it all, and you're doing what you feel you have to do.
Anita
I can see why you're scared. It seems like you have to take a chance on losing almost all the security you've ever known, if you want to be whole.
Since this post, you have at least found some support with your brother, and that's good to know about.
But wife and family are such important people, real foundations for you. I'm not sure how important it is for you that your sons know. I think that you can get the freedom you need without involving them. Hopefully your wife will not tell them if you don't--that is a very unfair thing that can happen in divorces.
There does come that time for some of us, where we go out on a limb with all the important people in our lives. I know I had to do it. There is no real way to know the outcome ahead of time, and it does take some faith in the people involved.
But I guess I'm coming to the opinion that it's better to hold off telling children if at all possible. If you can raise them with CDing from the age of 2 or before, I'd be all for that. Most people can't afford to do that, since children do talk about things they don't understand to be private matters.
I'm sorry to read of your wife's feelings about it, but you're handling it in the best way you can. That is, you cannot change her feelings about it all, and you're doing what you feel you have to do.
Anita
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Anita,
Everything I have read says that the two younger boys could be harmed by knowing about this so close to puberty. It is my intention to keep it from them at least until they are able to understand it and after puberty.
Beauty,
Yes, I have always loved doing the legal stuff, so I did the paperwork, and she told me what to say. She was already seperated from her first husband, and they planned an amicable divorce when I met her.
Elizabeth
Everything I have read says that the two younger boys could be harmed by knowing about this so close to puberty. It is my intention to keep it from them at least until they are able to understand it and after puberty.
Beauty,
Yes, I have always loved doing the legal stuff, so I did the paperwork, and she told me what to say. She was already seperated from her first husband, and they planned an amicable divorce when I met her.
Elizabeth
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Alexandra
- Miss Ruby Goddess
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- Location: In Monolith We Trust
Elizabeth, I can't offer any advice, but I'll be unconventional here and tell you that if I got the replies you got from your wife, I'd be gone and wouldn't look back -- you've a new future to get started on.
If the situation was reversed, you strike me as being someone who would accomodate your wife's needs. Its unfair what she's demanding of you. If you've done your best, you've nothing to feel bad about if you do move on. Good luck.
If the situation was reversed, you strike me as being someone who would accomodate your wife's needs. Its unfair what she's demanding of you. If you've done your best, you've nothing to feel bad about if you do move on. Good luck.
Alexandra