let the chips fall...

[Anne Bonny]

If people are waiting for me to be who they want me to be, then I am sorry to disappoint them with who I am.

[Amanda R]

Anne, it is not about being who anyone wants you to be but rather being happy with yourself and who you are!

[Heather W]

I was fortunate my family for the most part accepted me for who I was however it is not how people see you but how you see yourself. To thine own self be true!

[Noeleena]

Hi.
A good conductor is after the best , in our case ,what he can ease from us so we can play the best and allways looking for more he knows in a very short while how we play how we perform and will tease from us more, do we have the experance in my case yes about 50 years worth,

I know what I,m good at as a Military side drum core member , now of cause its Orchestra as well, more learning as well. I strive to do the best I can. I know I,m not perfect in all of what I play, and can / do strive to be better,

What do people do when they come to our performace do they wont to change us do they wont to see us dress in other uniforms or just play what they wont to hear, do they even try to persade the conductor what to play.

No....

They come to hear and listen to what we have prepared to play.

Now many people know who I am and what I do at many concerts I attend and play at.

They have accepted who I am and many talk with me they don't seek to try and change who I am and those going back 69 years.

theres only one person who wonted this kid to remain the same as I was some 40 years ago yet she knew I was not different just I was not who she thought I was, and we discussed all of that, and does accept I was allways female , now theres no issues and you know who she is...... Jos ......

first you gain the persons confidence and talk with them the issue at hand and yes it takes time to adjust to changes and no doubt theres many ,

What I think is lovely is the fact with in our large groups of people 2000 and more is they have accepted who I am do they wont to try and change who I am .....none I,m aware of ,

Yet very few still call me he him or what ever because they have known me so long because there being a maleness about my self, and that is part of what makes this lass who she is and with out that I would not be any thing like I am. and when you add it all up it comes down to this is the person I am and that's why I am invited to be part of their lives ,

Some of us have to give so much more and we need to yes we expend our self so much more in every thing we do. , its not we have to prove who we are its how much do we need others around us , so you wont /need friends then you have to be one and with 100 % more, you wont /need others to be part of your life then we give 100 % more.

We have to work at it. I did not hold out a silver plate and expect others to fill it I had the silver plate and gave from what I had on it, and quess what .I have not run out of giving.......

real friends don't come cheap you have to grow with them . And remember you change and they change detail is can you change with them.

...noeleena...

[Sarah Rene]

A good conductor is after the best

So true Noeleena and when you think about it we are the conductors of our own lives. We should demand the best from ourselves as those around should from themselves. It is our right to live our lives as we see whether that be a conventional lifestyle or an alternative one as long as we continue to put forth our best effort. I understand that decision may bring consequences for others and it is their right to see it however they desire.

Anne I have read many of your posts as well as some of your diary. IMO your dedication to seeing to your wife's needs as her condition deteriorates is far more than many spouses would do. Your trials and tribulations are honorable and I respect you for it. You have earned the right to be whoever you feel comfortable as and anyone who has issues with that are narrow minded people more concerned with their own comfort level than yours.

[Heather W]

I am sorry to disappoint them with who I am.

If they are disappointed in who you truly are Anne do you really want to know them?

[Karen Ski]

If I feel someone has an issue with who I am I just avoid them. If they have the right to be who they are am I not entitled to the same?

[Anne Bonny]

Wow, I put it out there and I appreciate all of the thoughts and perspectives. I was thinking about my sons, I am having an MRCP of my pancreas...some fatty stranding about the head unchanged since 2012... but then my mother did die of Pancreatic cancer...after surviving breast cancer and due to Hurricane Katrina missed a final chemo treatment...so could have been that. Had a scare in April ski high amylase and lipase and told out of the blue you have acute pancreatitis totally out of the blue with no pain, I do not drink...I was shaking....of course I had had some abdominal discomfort but not any pain! I was expecting your lipid levels are fine, I put in a renewal for your lipitor, come back in a year! Well a GI consult was sent with some other studies. hence the MRCP on monday and colonoscopy over due had an adenomatous polyp removed 6 years back and was due to have a repeat 3 years later...well they are doing it next week.

With all that is going on with my wife...I had the stress of trying to find someone who could sit in the waiting room and then drive me home, supposed to stay with me for 8 hours but Pffft!

My 73 year old older sister (who knows absolutely nothing about my gender variance...because she is conservative, religious, very traditional out of the 1950's but we are close never the less) is driving several hundred miles to help me because there was no one else willing. She actually got mad and hung up on me when I told her I was going to cancel it, called her back.... Arranged my sitter to come the morning we are at the test...so it will be ok.

Anyway I do not really have friends... and I do now realize as noleena states...a key element of friendship is giving, and being there for your friend...I intend to make sure I do that. I have been a lone wolf my entire life...I just do not make friends but with the loss of my wife coming at some point, well effectively being total care and mentally no longer there or able to communicate at all - she is gone already and has been for some time. So I intend when this is over to join the running club and to attend the runs in hopes of meeting some people, and finding other groups to make some connections in activities I enjoy.

Yeah we are the conductor of our life! Yes, I have earned the right to be. Someone said we have every right to be who we are and others have every right not to like it. I think I am living my life as I see fit, and am comfortable for now with how things are going except for my current circumstances ... Death, Dying, Decline, and Hurt but it will not last forever.

My sons I told once they were 18 and 21...they say it is ok, but I sense not so I choose not to dress if I know they are coming, and certainly not if I go to see them. I just feel kind of abandoned by them as if ...were I beat up and laying in the gutter they would state " Kind of beat up...huh? Well, see you later Dad...got to go...by the way can you pay my rent this month!?" Well immaturity, they have their own lives and are doing quite well considering I had to be THE PARENT starting at age 12 and 14 I was clueless, they had grief too...I did my best and they are not on drugs or alcohol...One is married two children, one my grandson, the other a step grandson, have a home, both working..he's a fireman...the other prelaw in the honors college. I have not been able to be there for them as a sole care giver...it is going to be ok I believe they have turned out ok.

I believe I am happy with who I am...but my life is ... well I believe in rational objectivism being a secular agnostic...I confront reality and optimize all outcomes managing what comes as best I can. This is all a major disruption. My wife was the very center and the most important person in my life...she was MY PERSON so it is amazingly sad for me but it will get better.

There will always be people who want and expect us to be one way, there is nothing I can do about that...so if they are important I cannot tell them about this part of who I am, or I can choose to let them go. I do have an inner circle and I am always seeking to expand that circle. It is just kind of hard to do that right now because I am trapped and can only endure. Honor is above all, If I lose my honor I have lost everything. I have no choice but to do the right thing for the love of my life could not live with myself If I failed to do my best for her. But once this is over I will be free and hopefully I can find another wonderful woman and friends going forward.

I suppose I should say between 2007 and 2011 I lost my Father, Grandmother, a wonderful Uncle, my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Dementia, lost my mom, and soon my wife leaving me alone. I believe though diagnosed in 2009, it starred in 2005 at the age of 49.

These have been tough years...retired in 2010.

sorry for being so long.

[Victoria K.]

You tell them, girl!! ❤❤

[Anne Bonny]

Pretty dress...Victoria though the avitar pic is a little small will have to check the picture files... It is wonderful that we are able to enjoy just being who we are, celebrating it.