Addictive?

[ParisP]

It’s addictive, isn’t it? I’ve been feeling like I want more. Simply getting dressed at home occasionally doesn’t seem like enough anymore. Going out for “safe” adventures has been terrifying. By safe, I mean places where nobody gets too close to me. And in the evening when the streetlights are on. But the more I do it, the longer I stay out and the more bold I get. And the fear turns into relief when nobody even gives a second look. Well, usually anyway. I do have this skater skirt which I really like. And even from a distance I occasionally catch a glimpse of others (usually men) checking me out when I wear it. But what do I mean about it being addictive? For example, instead of just driving to the local shopping mall dressed and walking around the dimly lit parking lot, I’ve been wondering what it would be like to actually go inside. In the lights. People would see me. They would see that I don’t have the makeup figured out. They might see the imperfections in my inexpensive wig. They might notice that I don’t have any jewelery to accessorize with. They might think I don’t walk like a real woman. But I wanted more. So earlier today I did just that. I went inside. I was in what I call “blend-in mode”. Capri jeans, some casual heels, and a simple top with a typical jacket. And then some people came in behind me. The escape route was closed. So I had to keep pushing forward. I ended up in a department store looking at dresses. I was finally beginning to feel a little comfortable. Nobody seemed to be paying any attention to me. But around the corner came a 30-ish woman who was obviously more aware than everyone else. She quickly looked away when I looked directly at her. I think she had spotted me well before I became aware of her. Time to move on. And they had such a nice black dress too. It was only $29.99. So tempting. But I was feeling panicked. So I exited the store back into the mall and made my way back to the car. Over all, it was exhilarating! But when I was “read” all the panic and fear came rushing right back. I know I want to do this again. And more. But I do have to master the makeup for a better look. And learn not to be rattled when others get close to me.

[Noeleena]

Hi Paris,

Oh Dear me. okay lets see how this goes. how many women do you know or see who ether wear so little makeup or none at all have you taken note maybe different over your way Im, a Kiwi and many don't wear makeup I don't only lippy and eye brow liner, only because I was burnt on right side of face, no biggie just scared so no eyebrows , as to what I wear just my skirts tee tops and or jumpers some times nice blouse,s , so my dress is pretty normal. oh and I don't wear my wig or wigs so how do I really look just like my photo and that's how I,m seen every where, and you can judge on this ? .

What do you see a male or female or something different. take a good hard look, I,m 70 year old, and Do I get looked at yes of cause a lot as I do wear clothes that are not what most women wear so I stand out go on planes and travel over sea,s a lot and in my German garb so I,m quite well known. and talk to many people .

I do not hide myself I,m proud of who I am I,m not a wimp and I can stand up for my self I,m different and don't conform to some society,s beck and call ,maybe we have more acceptance over here, so for those of us who are different are more accepted in to society,

To me what your talking about sounds like your hiding, and i know many dresser,s do. maybe i dont fully understand because i,m not a male , so i dont know what its like to be a dresser or trans for that matter yes i have talked to many 100,s maybe i have a different perspective on things and clothes and so on , or trying to be like a woman. any way i,m still trying to understand men and thier ways, put it this way its not clicked with me yet,

Okay what i would say is find a woman at a beauty shop to help with makeup , just tell her what your trying to do even go to a clothes shop just talk openly and ask for advise,

One of our biggest shops in Christchurch NZ has many different makeup sections and i got to know over some 15 years and would ask for help and had two lovely ladys come down from the north island to do makeup for others so i did go two times and had my makeup done ,

Clothes breast forms and bra,s now why would i do that if i,m a female because i needed help so i asked being a female i ask when i need to. very early on as my body went into changes i had to be ready for what my body was going through and as i did a lot of changes took place , you may say sounds like a transsexual or transgender sorry no i was born female with different details going on any way matters not.

Though it was harder in some ways for myself i had to contend with many details and that took years and so much of it went very well. so what i,m saying is your a guy and wont ever have to go through what i did you have so much going for you to be able to dress in lovely clothes and wear makeup. be nice to see a photo of you some time.

The other thing is dont put issues in front of you , most people dont care they see a person and carry on thier way, for many dresser,s i helped a few and keeped a distance back to see how people would react it was not the person so much as to what they were wearing , in fact how i saw it was people will look at me more so than the others well i do stand out . and strangly enough i was ignored and i was quite amused by that, so all in all my friends looked good and in your term,s passed very well ,

My difference,s has made life for myself different and harder as i have been finding out over the last 14 months i think i know why, and i live with it yet over all i,m very well accepted,

Okay voice .

Do you talk to others face to face. as for many dresser,s that can be an issue, i dont have an answer for that , others here may answer ,

How you walk and carry your self , i have my own style i wount say any thing like a guy as i never did i come close to females though i dont try to emulate them never did and dont intend to. people know me from behind and will call out noeleena........thats about being known.

When i think about this a bit more it maybe importaint for dresser,s to walk carry them selfs differently than as you do as guys,

I know theres more i can bring up though think this will give you an idear from a females point of view and may help in some way ,

...noeleena...

[DonnaT]

I call it freeing, not addictive. Unless freedom is addictive

[Rikki]

Freedom leads to Happiness leads to love/passion (addiction).

All the best, everyone!

Rikki

[KimberlyS]

Hi Paris. For myself the "Additive" reasoning does not fit. My Ex and the christian based counseling she made me go to tried to tack that one on me. But all the reasons they would throw at me did not stick. For me the additive assumptions were flawed. Kind of in the way, I eat every day, so I must be addicted to eating. So wrong. I am not saying it is not additive for you. Just be careful on how you are looking at it.

I will say once you get out and about for some of us, yes it can make you want to do more of it. But that alone does not made it addictive. Yes initial when you get out and about there is a bit of a rush to it. But for me the rush if it was more the fact my heart was racing do to the years of society and guilt put on me by society and my ex. Once past the racing heart for me the calm and sense of self set in. Like Donna said, the sense of freedom. For me the wanting to get out more and more enfemme was about letting a part of me out that I kept locked up for so much of my life. I personally am a two spirited person. Most of the time society gets to see my male spirited self. But other times society gets to see my feminine spirited self. The chance to get one be one's self can be a very good thing.

[ParisP]

Hi Paris. For myself the "Additive" reasoning does not fit. My Ex and the christian based counseling she made me go to tried to tack that one on me. But all the reasons they would throw at me did not stick. For me the additive assumptions were flawed. Kind of in the way, I eat every day, so I must be addicted to eating. So wrong. I am not saying it is not additive for you. Just be careful on how you are looking at it.

I will say once you get out and about for some of us, yes it can make you want to do more of it. But that alone does not made it addictive. Yes initial when you get out and about there is a bit of a rush to it. But for me the rush if it was more the fact my heart was racing do to the years of society and guilt put on me by society and my ex. Once past the racing heart for me the calm and sense of self set in. Like Donna said, the sense of freedom. For me the wanting to get out more and more enfemme was about letting a part of me out that I kept locked up for so much of my life. I personally am a two spirited person. Most of the time society gets to see my male spirited self. But other times society gets to see my feminine spirited self. The chance to get one be one's self can be a very good thing.

Maybe addictive was not the right word to express what I am feeling. Maybe a better way to describe it is the opening of a door. I’m trying to walk through the door and all sorts of concerns and fears are standing in the way. But I can see past it. And I know that I want more of what’s beyond the door.
When I can blend in, I feel very comfortable. Very free as Donna said. It just feels right. It’s when I get noticed that I panic. I guess I lack confidence.

[KimberlyS]

Thanks for the clarification Paris. Some things that helped me when out and about. Like you said try to blend. Wear what the GG's are wearing out and about. I am not sure if this is the case for you or not, but sometimes you may not be noticed because you are TG, but you just may be noticed because gals notice other gals; maybe because you look nice, or you have something on that they like. Something that helped me was to just smile and then just go about what I was doing.

An example for you. I was in the Mall of America shopping with my ex. She had stepped into one of the stores and I was looking around one of the kiosks. When all of a sudden two teen boys came around and were looking at me and the one said "It is a guy". Well I just turned to the kiosk and picked up something to look at like was was just shopping and ignored them. They went away as fast as they showed up. I am sure if I would have looked terrified and turned my tail and tried to get out of the situation they would have followed and continued. Yea it was hard not to do it and I was screaming on the inside. But ignoring them I did not give them the satisfaction plus made them question what they thought they had seen.

The confidence will come with time.

[Ralitsa]

Like Kim said, the confidence will come with time. It definitely does.
The first few times are the scariest things imaginable, but then you realize they can't actually "do" anything to you except embarrass you.

Well and that's bad enough. I was shopping in a TJ Max once and trying on a few really cute dresses and having a great time when one of the SA's came and threw me out. She said "you can't be in here, this is not for people like you...." and all that.... so I ran off totally humiliated. Luckily I had a friend with who just got all over her and chewed her up one side and down the other, then went to the manager and did the same. At which point a new SA came along who was completely helpful and friendly and anything you could possibly ask for.

Not sure what the point of that story was.

At any rate, I think Donna may be right that freedom is addictive. I think I'll start flying that flag "dress free or die". Was that John Adams or someone who said that??