Communication... Very Important to SO's (mine included)?

[Shannon]

Total BS, unless it is their communication that they want to get across

I find it strange how some SO's can totally go on about how important it is to COMMUNICATE in order to make a relationship work..... and then CAN'T do it themsleves.... Take mine for example, Sharon(SO) incase you don't know.....

She NEVER hears a thing I say (when I say it nice)... I have issues (CD related and mostly non-CD related) that I try MANY times to get across to her in a NICE manner, she NEVER hears it..... Either argues with me or gives no reaction.......

I keep trying to get my point across in a nice way, she keeps reacting as detailed above... them I get REALLY frustrated and the next time I express the feelings I yell and get mad.... then she just gets "wounded" and totally closes up, like right now she went off driving around somewhere.....

I KEEP TRYING to express things and she never hears them..... she is so self involved, it totally amazes me..... I know many here will doubt what I say, because she is always there for this forum and it members... and I TOTALLY agree and that is half my problem... she will spend HOURS on this forum making sure everybody here is okay and then spend hours online IM'ing with members here.... And I can't get the f_cking time of day from her....

Ya know, I am ranting, totally pissed and just fed up.... Is it too much to ask for in return what I give in lovingness and caring???????

[Shannon]

Wait, I'm not done ranting

My So argues with me, doubting things I say..... constantly

Two examples.....

This weekend, we went to the Grocery store and where going to buy some steaks to grill, she then said "The grill has no gas..."

I then said, "No I went and got some more, it is fine".... she ARGUED with that.... I went and got gas and I cooked the last steaks we bought on the grill with it.... IT HAPPENED, I don't have a problem with the fact that she forgot that, but I DO have a problem with the fact that she DIDN'T trust that I know what the hell I am saying........ Just listen to me... I am not the total idiot you think I am, Sharon(SO)......

Second example.... last night she wanted to update the links page (by the way check it out, she did a good job)... but I not only had to walk her through the process (for the 5th time) but when it came to uploading the new file to the server, she didn't have the FTP software on her computer.... so I told her "Go down load SmartFTP".... she spent a while doing that (so I thought).. then a while later comes to me saying "I can't find a place to download FRONTPAGE".... I say "You need to download SmartFTP, not FrontPage...."

She replies "I have SmartFTP, where do I get FrontPage?".... We argue... I tell her again, "Trust me you need SmartFTP".... she continues to argue.....


Ya know, it turns out, she needed SmartFTP and NOT FrontPage.... wow I was right. AGAIN......

I ain't the smartest tack in the box but I do know something about running and setting up this site.... (I did and continue to do that)... all by my lonesome... I fregging know how it works, I am knowledgable in how to handle it, and she will totally beleive other's comments and suggests and totally discount ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I say about it.....

Communication???? Yeah right..............

Total BS, if you ask me... WHICH MY (SO) SURE AS HELL WOULDN'T

[Beauty]

Hi Shannon,

This sounds like Mars and Venus stuff.

I think you are communicating how much you love her and I think it's not being heard AND I do think she sounds exactly like what you're saying to you.

Is there a middle ground?

Beauty

[Shannon]

Hi Shannon,
... AND I do think she sounds exactly like what you're saying to you.
Beauty

I don't understand....

What does that mean... and as far as her "hearing" me..... NOT A CHANCE

And if she heard me she wouldn't STILL be driving around somewhere (1-1/2 hrs later).... or atleast I assume she is driving around..... IS that communication???? I think not

[Lorna]

Wow... I really don't know what to say. I have the utmost respect for both you and Sharon. If I can be totally blunt, I am a little suprised to be reading a thread of this nature. I am almost hesitant to comment here.

[Beauty]

Hi,

I didn't say she was hearing you. I said she wasn't. I think you are communicating that you love her.

Her leaving and driving around isn't the right thing to do. That's not going to solve anything.

I do think you're trying to communicate. That's why I asked what the middle ground was?

[Shannon]

I am almost hesitant to comment here.

Please say whatever you think you should say Lorna.... I myself am at a loss.... I often think (like right now)..... maybe I am the total backside, maybe she is totally justified in how she reacts to things I say.....

I need others to tell me that.... And realize you have just heard my side of the story.... maybe Sharon will give her side and I WILL be the backside.....

But, please comment... I need some help with this.

[Lorna]

But, please comment... I need some help with this.

No problem, Sharon...

I have to admit that I was really taken aback to read this being that your wife is a major contributor to this forum & all... because to me that says a lot. I know that most CDs would give up their entire pantyhose collection to have a wife whose support runs this deep.

But I do understand your frustraion.

One thing I do know is that communication will be a problem in almost any relationship at one point or another. It's a given with any marriage and can also exist in relationships between friends, family, coworkers and whomever else. It's important to feel like we are not only heard but also understood. I used to have the same problems with family and friends who never seemed to listen (my rant back in March about friends complaining to me about blowing them off on Saturday nights when I was too busy)

If you feel as if she isn't hearing you when you try to communicate, it's important to let her know how that makes you feel.

I often think (like right now)..... maybe I am the total backside, maybe she is totally justified in how she reacts to things I say.....

No... I don't think so and you shouldn't either. You're allowed to feel what you feel.

But in what ways is she not giving you the time of day? Is it because she's too busy with the forum?

[Beauty]

I have no other way of asking other than asking out in the open.

Can I call you and speak with you or can you Yahoo me?

I think I know the answer.. but I have no other choice but to ask here.

Sharon helped me when my marriage was in the toilet. I just want to help, but I can't if you don't want me to.

Beauty

[Sally]

I'm always reluctant to comment on a disagreement in a marriage, especially when only one side of the story has been presented.

Seeing the word communication seems to be the major topic atm, I'd just like to say that sometimes we believe we are communicating with the other person good enough, but it can sometimes turn out to be not be the case.

Good communication comes about by the skill of being able to maintain an open spirit when one may not be all that calm within. Good communication comes about by each being able to put our exact feelings, needs or wants into the correct words and we must always be able to take a step back and look at ourselves and see whether our need for good respectful communication is so desperate that the lack of it can become " a deal breaker ".

The three greatest skills needed for quality communication is being able to ask for exactly what we want and effectively communicating how we feel at any given time, so the other person is left in no doubt whatsoever as to what we are saying.

It also includes the skill of listening, not merely hearing, so that the person we are talking to knows that they have been listened to AND understood, NOT necessarily agreed with, but actually heard and listened to.

Also what is of paramount importance is the skill of expressing our anger fully and completely in a way that the person who we may be angry with is NOT ISOLATED.

We all have our ups and downs, but as I always say, if there is true love then anything can be overcome. I wish you both well and I sincerely hope that in a calmer moment you can both find that common ground which will appease you both and make you both the happiest you can possibly be together.

My Kindest Regards.

Sally.

[Shannon]

I have no other way of asking other than asking out in the open.

Can I call you and speak with you or can you Yahoo me?

I think I know the answer.. but I have no other choice but to ask here.

Sharon helped me when my marriage was in the toilet. I just want to help, but I can't if you don't want me to.

Beauty

Well Beauty, I would suggest you PM me, but I think you already have tried that in the past few hours.... Did they seem to go through for you? Please let me know...

I ask because everytime I've logged into the site I pops up I have a PM... but when I click on it, there is nothing there...... No new messages...

I am getting the feeling that SOMEONE has blocked my PM's.... I read more from my wife than she realizes......

But, now and for good I am going to bed, by myself I might add, others in this household are still driving around, or doing something else.....

Thanks for all you comments....

[Beauty]

Yes, I've sent two PMs and they are unread. They are stuck in my outbox.

Well, at least I know you tried to read them. That's pretty weird.

I've gotta tell you this really, really bites.

Beauty

[Julie M.]

Shannon,

I didn't read all the comments because my head was already filled with too many things to say, but I did read the first three or so posts you made and I have to admit it made me feel good! You know the saying, "Misery loves company"? Well, you and I are living awfully similar lives. When I first joined I was so jealous you had such an understanding and caring wife and that the two of you were so happy in your relationship........

AND I WAS JEALOUS!

I hid nothing from my bride to be. I told her as much as I knew at the time (and we all learn so much as we grow older). But the other day she asked what I was doing. I was responding to Kay(SO) and I told her. I so much wanted to talk to her but if she didn't want to talk I wouldn't push the issue. Nothing happened and I figured that was her way of saying, "I don't want to talk about it." A lot of things were pent up at that time and it took me a few days to get over it.

We all try to put the best face on when we’re here. We try to keep upbeat and happy but we all are really pissed that this thing is what it is in our lives, an unnecessary albatross. For the CDs we resent that society sees us as lepers and teaches others to see us that way. We know what we are and being an insider all I see is possibly the best humans on the face of this earth I have ever known. Where else can you find such a high concentration of kind, compassionate and caring people as you do with CDs? Once we are accepted, they will see that too.

For the SOs they have to contend with the fact they are in a relationship with one of these “lepers”. They have been told all their life that any man who wants to emulate a woman is no man at all. He's something to avoid, a pervert, a sociopath, a homosexual. They have all of these preconceptions they take into their relationship with us. From their point of view this is truly difficult. It's like being married to a warlock during the Salem witch-hunt (okay I exaggerated).

Shannon, maybe Sharon is really trying to cope. She puts up a great front but she still is struggling. This forum has become a learning place for her and she may need that. I give you both a lot of credit for taking this on. The image of a crossdresser is so far from what and who we are it can be frustrating to explain it. Ask someone who likes olive green why they like it and I’ll bet they can’t tell you outside of “I just like it. I don’t know.” Give her time and consideration. What you wrote isn’t any different than what millions of husbands, CD or not, have gone through with their wives. Be thankful Sharon is at least trying to deal with this. Many of us are living with denial and even repulsion.

I hope I didn’t step on any toes.

[Beauty]

Hi Julie,

When you read the SO section you'll see that she has accepted his CD'ing and that's why they started the forum.

This is about communication between a wife and a husband who love each other very much, but are working on communicating better. It kind of illustrates that there is life after acceptance of CD'ing by an SO.

Regardless you bring up a good point about accepting SOs and their struggles.

Beauty

[Loretta Ann]

Shannon I just found this thread. First I want to say that I respect you for coming here with your struggles. Yes we are all human, and I thank you for letting us see that you are no different.

I realize that it is hard for me to get a full perspective, because we have a picture of this from your perspective, and not hers. Having said that it might be hard for me to understand it from her side of things. Because men and women require different things in order to feel loved.

One thing that I have been able to pick up from what you have said, that may be confusing the issue for you is that you become angry with her. When that happens to a woman she understands that as being the opposite of love. And that serves to block healthy communication, and explains why she needs to get some space from you. I have seen marriages destroyed because of that.

Having said that I do believe that SOs quite often don't choose to here us, and I don't think I can provide any insight into why that is so. Perhaps that is a topic that should be discussed here, but I wonder how many of them would feel wounded" and totally close up if we were to ask them there opinion on this?

I wish there was more that I could say that could be of help, but that is all that I have been able to think of.

What I treasure so much about this forum is that things like this are allowed to be discussed. And that is what makes it stand out from the rest of the forums I have seen.

We are all in this world together with all of our specific problems, and it requires the right kind of administration to keep a place like this a caring community. And for that I am grateful to the administration which includes the moderation that has been provided here. Let us never loose that vision.