making friends

[Anne Bonny]

I do have friends, but I have recently tentatively added a new lady I met once maybe over a year ago and have had friended on FB Then inside I fear what if it becomes more? And I would have to stop and explain...that I am as I am supposed to be in every way...except inside my thoughts are colored as a woman's are and I feel emotionally as a woman does. I am sensitive caring and it makes me different than most men. And I do dress as I feel emotionally though I do hide this because I fear others would judge me in public and around some friends and family...I am hiding who I really am inside.

I am very comfortable around the house...jogging, walking but going other places...no. Coming out is a process of evolution for me personally...it is like wading into the shallow area of the pool and getting used to the temperature of the water...I know some prefer to dive right in but I like to ease into it as I think it through and become more comfortable.

[DonnaT]

Then again, easing into it means longer times of anxiety wondering what's next and what if.

[Anne Bonny]

I started this time with a wonderful female psychologist was referred to a Psychiatrist who does psychoanalysis and she really is a good fit for me as well. I have never been so at ease with who I am and am spending more time here. Funny how what I have on will kind of evolve I think my son being here has me pulling my self in a little though I am not hiding my red toenails and am ... well what I wear around the house is not exciting...fix my hair...jewelry, t shirt and shorts with sandals or deck shoes a friend of mine told me to keep this look because this is how most people dress around the house. I am who I am all of the time and will be until I am no more...

Yeah well I am comfortable inside and that is the key. What I am anxious about is wondering how the friends around me may or probably would I suppose reject me. I fail to understand because I am a good person inside and know that they do not object to that or I suppose they don't as long as they don't know...but cross that line into wearing things I desire or showing elements of that would make some I suppose feel uncomfortable and would cause them to back away. It is not who I am it is what I look like and I suppose what I look like further indicates that I am not as other men are while I am as women are in some ways ... that they cannot stomach or take in as acceptable I fear and not even as a friend I suppose people would not want to feel that others would think differently of them because they may be around me.

I am having to build a social network or friends to replace everyone that I lost...surrogates in a sense so that I have that emotional support and embrace around me in kind of the same way those I lost were. Oh well as I come to know people and can assess their openness or lack there of will tell me who I can take a chance on and who I cannot. I do know any woman that I come to love has to be 110% in favor of all of who I am or I will have to remain alone.

[Bernice]

Annie, your post reminds me very much of exactly how I felt back in the fall of 1974. Before I was in too deep, I sat my new friend down and had a heart to heart talk. It's a mighty good thing I did, because now we've been married over 43 years. Funny how so many people said we would never last.

I know this is anecdotal, and doesn't mean that it gets any easier, but I will say that if your talk goes the way you want it to, or at least in a way that works for you, you will be glad you did.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Anne Bonny]

That does give me hope. I have heard that women can sometimes meet you as your are out and about...and as yourself. I suppose that makes sense if you are out there and are seen to be comfortable and confident those who are attracted by men like us will come over and talk to us. On the other hand if you share it with someone you may find someone that way and be pleasantly surprised. I do know that I have to find a woman who is attracted to who I am rather than to my cover up guy persona I have to project or feel the need to project due to my lack of confidence. If they are friends or attracted to that appearance then they do not really know who I am. I am not saying my personality is different but my appearance certainly is and I am different than your usual guy...

[Bernice]

Well, in my humble opinion, you have your head exactly where it needs to be, and nobody needs to worry about you. You are prepared for success, and hopefully, happiness.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you Bernice.