To be...or not to be (who I am)

[Anne Bonny]

A friend has been encouraging me to "pull myself together" literally in every way. She has also told me I will find the acceptance I desire in the community. How can I argue when she makes such sense? If I desire a new life partner she can only be found by making contact with the local community and with those who support us. I do have an alternate FB Page for Anne...and I am, well have hopes of expanding connections there inline with her recommendations.

Here is a current PM with one of them...

Well...I have seen two psychologists, currently with a Psychiatrist and all we seem to do is talk. Sometimes she will catch words, or ask if I noticed how I changed the subject, or negate what I just said...she will notice my body language. She is a psychoanalyst. I have told her everything. I had a bad decade and a lot of major life events. I managed to come out on the other side of it all basically intact but socially I am in a lot of trouble. Shut in... A lot of truth in that. Have sisters couple states over. One son in Japan, and the other locally who needs money more than I like...when he calls I feel horrible because I wonder what is happening now and how much is it going to cost me even working as a Fireman and AMS driver he is certified as an EMT as well, married 3 children and struggling to stay above water he is a very good son. The world that I had and all of it's plans were gone with the death of my wife. Retired in 09 losing my identity and purpose in life and a decade caring for her. The anger is gone, the grief well I have accepted it all. I lost both parents,grandmother and a brother in law as that decade opened leaving me with two sons starting the raging teen years testing and driving a clueless, now single parent with no one there but myself and what resources I could muster to care for a terminal wife. Suppose I have issues with who I am and beat myself up and was never social because those people were there. And Who am I anyway!? I do need to pull it all together. In subtle ways I am I suppose a moderate or neutral person. I need to pull in and combine into one whatever it is which would express outwardly who I am mentally. I don't know...I am so used to private closeted freedom to be...and having one solid public presentation that is male and is without question. I know because I have noted shock in a person or two when I have shared my feminine side. I suppose I am afraid to make friends...because if I share who I am they will disappear in rejection. How can I expect to find a woman who is entirely mainstream but who is attracted and open to someone who is as I am. This going back and forth ... is it a lack of self acceptance or is it because I am so conditioned into being the role I had little choice to play so that I could be where I am now with a secure retirement? Like a coward I chose the closet as a son so that I could have an education, a career and a wife. Had I blown up everything no telling what would have happened or where I would now be. Someone said I need to start finding people who are accepting of who I am. Those would be people in the LGBTQadinfinitum community. I suppose finding contacts I am compatible with in the community would certainly have no problem with who I am...but the process of making friends I suppose would be the same. Those in the community may be much much more open in their outward expression...so I suppose I need to as that friend advised begin to pull everything in and combine all of who I am into one person. Mentally I am there...my feminine (?) traits are very subtle no need to hide any of them...what is more difficult is expressing openly visible cross gender elements ... hair, make up, jewelry, nail polish, nails, maybe even clothing.... I am not comfortable with it, hiding is very easy and very safe. Expression may be inviting the loss of friends and family I do have. Fear... Who am I!? Is this who I am? Is this life long closeted side that has existed from childhood and that will exist until I am dead...a valid part of who I am? Hiding it certainly causes anguish and distress. Am I really hurting myself that badly by continue to limp through life with a public and a private self? Hum good question for the Psychiatrist but psychiatrists give no direction because she says I do not want to control you! That is frustrating I suppose I am the only one who can make this choice but so far it has been a hell of a way to live my life. Sorry...writing more to myself, So you are relieved of any need to respond of course... I suppose we share only some association with the community and are FB friends. later...

[Noeleena]

Hi Anne,

This week end just gone i went to a camp some 20 of us and my dance partner now we know each other well enough to know some of my friends will say on dance night = moday,s = oh where your boy friend , okay he,s not really is just we can do things together,

At the camp and before i met 5 other,s did not know any thing about them or thier names. yet i now have most as friends ,okay i do have the advantage of being a female , so i quess in some ways it,s different how i interact get to know other,s and just be part of them we are close we hug each other touch each other as close friends do yes i know for us females i know we are on the same wave lengh we are close in what we talk about and we have that connection that is just part of who we are,

We had a lovely week end and to be so close to the other,s show,s that if you put your self in a very vulnerable position and show yourself in doing so you give yourself to those people and dont hold back they will see you are being open to them and what i found was they to will show that to you there was no holding back from them they gave them selfs to me in a way that friendship a closeness can be there i have to show my true colours to them and i did, if you hold back and dont give of your self they cannot be sure of you .

Its not about talking , its your body langauge that tells the story of you, and strangely enough the guys were lovely towards myself as well , i know its hard for guys to be so open and yes i have found guys to be standoffish and quite hard to tell thier body language and some times i miss thier stance ,

Since camp we have contacted each other on our forum and next camp we will just carry on and build on what we have,

Remember its only been over the last 3 years i have learned about men and thier way,s and in trying to understand them been very hard work i can tell you.

To gain friends.
you have to be the friend first to have a friendship , you have to show you are a friend to get to know other,s you have to listen to what we say and not just some words that are spoken Your body language needs to be seen so we can read you , and remember i do have some disadvantage,s that makes it harder for me to interact with guys in a normal manner like most female,s yet i dont let that stop me from being who i am first and 2 nd as a female,

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

Yes, I agree completely noleena... when you are open and true it comes through.... Now this does not mean if I hold part of who I am back because I do not want to lose them...that is alright, I am not lying to them, because I am still essentially all that I am inside. I think I puzzle some people because they see a man but inside I am and always have been different...it is very subtle. Holding back my appearance does not hold back who I am inside. With others I can express who I am inside in my appearance as in my avitar and openly share all of this. I am glad I have friends I am able to do this with. One friend has encouraged me to begin to pull all of who I am together. I believe on the inside I have always been one way so all I have had to do is realize this is true. I may feel one way or another but this does not change who I am. It is more difficult to allow my hair to grow out, to openly wear ear rings, to allow my nails to lengthen or to allow toenail color to show...let alone openly wearing feminine clothing. that is what I have to work on. My hair is longer but when it begins to be really long ... or openly wearing ear rings or maybe allowing people to see my red shiny toenails....it is harder for me especially in company that may walk away for good. I am working on it though. Anne

[KimberlyS]

I like the new avatar.

kimberlys

[CathyAnn]

Looking good Anne!

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you so much. I am not a transsexual...just a part time heterosexual cross-dresser who's only desire is to dress as I would have had I been lucky enough to have been born female and raised that way. I would no doubt have been a mainstream woman or...perhaps I am. I say part time but mentally I am full time and who I am is very subtle. I am not outwardly detectable, my voice, and mannerisms are male. But I suppose from the advice of one of my wife's nieces who was there online as I was caring for my wife and we now have a strong bond of friendship after messaging for years. She advised that I pull myself together as I said below...it has been the best advice I have ever had...somehow I am now calmer...and elated, happier. I suppose it has been her true acceptance and encouragement for me to be who I am! I do feel a lot better finally.