Giving too much info

Love (SO) · Post by **Love (SO)** » Tue May 18, 2004 1:45 pm

Hello all,

(This doesn't have to do with CDing really)

O.k., well, I'll start off with, I am not a prude (at least I don't think that I am

), however, I do like to keep my private intimate "details" with my husband, private, just between us. There are just some things that I don't talk about with others, especially with people that I'm not "close" with, and even then, I don't think that I would share our (mine and my husband's) most intimate details of what goes on in our bedroom. I do talk about some intimate things with my girlfriends (don't get me wrong), but not any great details.

I don't understand why my husband feels the "need" to tell or be so very "open" about the things we do, and how we do it, with other people,

(these people that he has told are not even his close friends, I could just imagine what they know)

When he does this it's a real turn-off for me. He has even done it while I was standing right there, I was so embarrassed that, I didn't know what to say, and had to leave the room. One time he even told one of his employees what we did when I met him one day for lunch at his business, and since then I have felt too embarrassed to go back to his work

(that employee no longer works there) so, I now feel more comfortable to show my face there once again.

I did mention it to my husband, how uncomfortable this makes me. But I don't think he really understands how I feel

. It sets me back some too, meaning, I don't really have the desire to be "fun" (if you know what I mean

) if he's just going to brag to everyone about what we do and how we do it.... I would hope he would consider my feelings first next time. Because for right now, I don't really have any desire to be intimate (forget about doing any of the "fun" stuff

and I'm not talking about CDing)

Hopefully

he will understand this time how it makes me feel when he does this.

I just don't understand the "need" he has, to tell people what and how we are intimate with each other. I don't feel the same "need" to tell everyone what and how we do

, I just usually have a big smile on my face

and they don't need the details of how it got there.
I feel there are just some things, that as a husband and wife, we keep to ourselves, to me, that makes what we do together special and a beautiful thing.

Post by **Celia** » Tue May 18, 2004 2:45 pm

Some folks are just open books, Love.

Then there are the rest of us.

My guess is you'll probably never get your husband to internalize this sense of personal privacy that you and I (and probably the majority of people in our society) share; the best you'll probably be able to do is to get him to recognize that your shared intimacies aren't something you consider to be topics for public discussion. I don't mean to criticize your husband for being such an open book--there are understandable reasons that some folks live that way--but, like most such people, he necessarily coexists with those of us who aren't.

Yours,
Celia

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Tue May 18, 2004 2:49 pm

Love SO,

Two thoughts come to mind One would be to ask him what his purpose is in giving others this information, how he feels it benefits him, Like what personal emotional need dose it fill? What he hopes to achieve?

And second let him know that if he really enjoys what he is getting in the bed room, and would like to continue to do so, that he might want to reconsider this activity and respect your feelings.

Good luck I am sure this must be difficult for you to deal with.

Love (SO) · Post by **Love (SO)** » Tue May 18, 2004 3:21 pm

Thanks everyone, I thought maybe it was just me (I am a very sensative person)

Celia,
Well, last night I told my husband how it makes me feel, so hopefully things will change, other wise he will have nothing to brag about in the future.

Darlene,
I haven't asked him what his purpose is for telling other about it , but I certainly will ask him tonight.
And yes, I have already told him, that if he wants to continue enjoy what he is getting, he had better keep his mouth shut about it.
It is very difficult to have to deal with, it makes me feel "cheap"

I am a lady and want to be treated and looked at as such, I'm not some high school girl he just scored with, ya know.

Karen Marie · Post by **Karen Marie** » Tue May 18, 2004 4:34 pm

love,
that is just so sad.i'm at a loss for words.i couldn't imagine ever doing
anything like that.my wife is so supportive of me,it would be such a betrayal.
i guess that you just have to keep trying to get through to him.and you
are a lady and certainly deserve total respect and loyalty, i hope
things will work out, hugs,karen.

GalicianGirl(SO) · Post by **GalicianGirl(SO)** » Tue May 18, 2004 6:22 pm

Hi Love(SO),

I don't blame you for being upset. If my husband told the whole world about what goes on in our bedroom, I would be furious.

I'm not a prude either but I feel that the intimate moments between you and your husband should stay between the two of you.

It kind of reminds me of high school how the guys would always brag about what they did with their girlfriends...

I like Darlene's idea...

And second let him know that if he really enjoys what he is getting in the bed room, and would like to continue to do so, that he might want to reconsider this activity and respect your feelings.

Sharon(SO)

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Tue May 18, 2004 9:11 pm

Way to go again, SIS!!
Yes, Darlene is correct and her sage advice should not cause anything but, hopefully, conversation. Conversation is critical to any mariage as you know, when you stop talking to eachother like you said, "GoodNight!"
As most of you know, I came out to my wife when I discovered "Deborah" I asked her to not tell anyone until I could further figure out what was happening with me. ( I think that when she was born the DR's. never cut the cord) she promptly told her mother who told her father who told her brother who told his wife then she told my 33 year old daughter and well we have our problems now. But...movin right along!
Love ya,
Deborah

Josey · Post by **Josey** » Tue May 18, 2004 9:29 pm

HI Love (SO),

Just a quick note. Over my many years, I have know several guys who felt the same way you are describing. Interesting enough, when someone is doing that, there are those who want to listen and those who don't. As long as some will listen, the activities will usually continue but if a few "friends" tell him they don't care to hear about those things, he just may stop. If you know a few of his friends well who might do that for you, it may help - - no guarrantee.

Caroline · Post by **Caroline** » Wed May 19, 2004 5:49 am

Hello Love,

I think that Darlene's advice is 'spot-on', and I endorse it wholeheartedly.

I would also like to respond to Josey's comment. In my experience most guys 'go along' with the inadequate who's spouting all this intimate stuff about their sexual exploits. Few men have the courage to say something like, "Hey, Charlie, what makes you think we want to hear about your intimate exploits?" In my experience, speaking up gets one branded as a 'poof'--a favourite term of abuse here that the Neanderthals amongst us have for a gay, or someone who the speaker considers not to be a 'real man'.

The sad truth is, some men need to grow up, and it's a great pity that so many continue to behave like juveniles throughout their lives, no matter how long they live.

Finally, Love, you are not being a prude for wanting to keep details of your intimacy between your husband and yourself private. Were I in your shoes, I wouldn't put up with it either. What makes it worse, in my eyes, is that your husband seems to be prepared to tell any Tom, Dick, or Harry about what goes on between you both. Look at the difficult position that put his employee in; that alone is outrageous.

I regret to say it, Love,but your husband is not 'being open', and the best gloss I can put on it is that he's being downright insensitive to the respect and consideration he owes to others, the most important of whom is you.

You must confront him about this, Love, and you should not be prepared to accept that part of his personality.

Kind regards,

Caroline.

Josey · Post by **Josey** » Wed May 19, 2004 6:16 am

Caroline wrote:Hello Love,

I would also like to respond to Josey's comment. In my experience most guys 'go along' with the inadequate who's spouting all this intimate stuff about their sexual exploits. Few men have the courage to say something like, "Hey, Charlie, what makes you think we want to hear about your intimate exploits?" In my experience, speaking up gets one branded as a 'poof'--a favourite term of abuse here that the Neanderthals amongst us have for a gay, or someone who the speaker considers not to be a 'real man'.

.

Hello again, Love (SO),

I don't know that I agree entirely with Caroline although she does bring up a good point. If you can get some friends to back down your hubby, those people could be branded as "prudes". My own opinion is that you could be branded with a lot worse.

As for her statements about confronting your husband, I do agree whole heartedly. Things that happen between you two, those things are sacred and very private and, really, neither party has the right to publicize it to the world unless both want it so. It is a rough situation and I feel for you.

Caroline · Post by **Caroline** » Wed May 19, 2004 7:30 am

Josey wrote:

If you can get some friends to back down your hubby, those people could be branded as "prudes". My own opinion is that you could be branded with a lot worse.

Hi Josey,

You're too right there. Once, in a crowd of guys, I showed no interest in photograps being passed around by one particular inadequate; the photos were of animals having sex with women, and I was called the pervert because I wasn't interested in them. Guess I can live with that, and quite happily too. I'm only sorry that I hadn't been more outspoken about the degradation of women and the exploitation of animals, at the time.

It takes courage to stand up for what one believes is right. More of us need to do it, and more often too, and sometimes I wish I'd made more of a stand against things I know are wrong.

Regards, and take care,

Caroline.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Wed May 19, 2004 7:58 am

Yikes.

I'm going to have to cover myself in pillows because I'm going to get beaten up over my opinion.

I think what Love's husband is doing is made up of several things. The one that we've focused on is him flashing his maleness in front of other men. That's one aspect of it. I can't really go into all the others, but I will go into the one I see it as.

Love's SO "LOVES" her A LOT. He trusted her with everything that he is and told her about the most un-manly parts of his life. He shared that he was a CD'r. So, when I read this I thought of men I've known who have shared what they do with their wives to me.

I thought about what Caroline said men don't do enough of saying, "Too much info there buddy boy! (TMI)" I guess that's true. I mean I say that when someone tells me too much info, but not out of respect for their wives or girlfriends, but because I don't want to see that woman in the future and think about her in that way. You're inviting a friend or acquaintance to look at your SO in a way that he shouldn't.

The men who've told me these kinds of things range from the most macho to the most sensitive men you'll ever meet. So I associate it with a form of communication. I think this person is just trying to show how much they love their SO and it gets mixed in with macho crapola.

Macho men do this all the time. It's one of the reasons there's a HUGE disconnect with macho men and women. Which also explains our HUGE disconnect with them too.

Focusing more on the sensitive men (who it was more of telling me this) there's no way I believe they were doing it to embarass their wives or make themselves look better. They did it to say, "Look how much she loves me." Was that the best way to say it? Nooooo.. lol.. but it was a form of communication. I don't believe in stepping on someone's story if I feel they are communicating a feeling or emotion. I don't think I'm digging too deep here either.

Men, in general, feel this form of communication to other men is a term of endearment. Meaning, "If I told you guys about this and you know she's the woman I'm married to, this is HUGE! It also shows how much I trust you, for telling you this about her." Again though because generally men don't think past changing the next channel they don't think about the recipient of the story thinking, "Dude! I'm so going to think about your wife in that position for like ever!" lol.. Even that's ok though because guys who would allow that to happen were more than likely thinking of their friend's SO that way anyways.

Now, if it's a gal they met yesterday then it's different. That's just bragging.

Does that make sense? I think we're mixing things in here. Those who talk about conquests and those who talk about the "Love's" of their lives.

The most important issue is as you go forward now though Love, is that you've told him how you feel and now it should stop. If he doesn't, then he would be disrespectful. I don't think he's been even the slightest bit disrespectful to you so far. I think he's just been gloating, and sharing in a man way. The gloating has been about how much you love him more than what you've done.

Ok.. if this post sucked, please being the pummeling. My pillows are firmly secured.

Love (SO) · Post by **Love (SO)** » Wed May 19, 2004 9:02 am

Beauty wrote:Yikes.

I'm going to have to cover myself in pillows because I'm going to get beaten up over my opinion.

Beauty, it's o.k.

you can come out now

I think what Love's husband is doing is made up of several things. The one that we've focused on is him flashing his maleness in front of other men. That's one aspect of it. I can't really go into all the others, but I will go into the one I see it as.

I would like to know what the "others" are (only if it's not too R-rated

)

Love's SO "LOVES" her A LOT. He trusted her with everything that he is and told her about the most un-manly parts of his life. He shared that he was a CD'r. So, when I read this I thought of men I've known who have shared what they do with their wives to me.

I understand that he trusts in me much more now, but my trust has weakened. I never really know what he may do/say next (not that I need to know all before he does/says anything) but, I just don't always feel that he considers my feelings first. Things he does and says about us, affects me (his wife) just as things I do and say affect him. Plus, the people he has told, I see in person from time to time, and I now find myself feeling very awkward in front of them.

I thought about what Caroline said men don't do enough of saying, "Too much info there buddy boy! (TMI)" I guess that's true.

I'm not so sure about this one, from my experience and what my husband tells me, men would never say "too much info there buddy boy!" Maybe it's just here where we live, but I find and my husband tells me, men talk very crude to each other about things and like to tell each other what they "are or are not " getting.

I mean I say that when someone tells me too much info, but not out of respect for their wives or girlfriends, but because I don't want to see that woman in the future and think about her in that way. You're inviting a friend or acquaintance to look at your SO in a way that he shouldn't.

This is the reason that I didn't want to go back to my husband's business after that. I didn't want his employee to look at me differently now. Although I'm sure he did think differntly of me, which is why I didn't go back until the employee had left for a new job (the reason his employee left, had nothing to do with this issue though)

The men who've told me these kinds of things range from the most macho to the most sensitive men you'll ever meet. So I associate it with a form of communication. I think this person is just trying to show how much they love their SO and it gets mixed in with macho crapola.

Yes, I can understand this also. I still don't like it, but I can understand it.

Macho men do this all the time. It's one of the reasons there's a HUGE disconnect with macho men and women. Which also explains our HUGE disconnect with them too.

I have never been attracted to very macho men. I do prefer my husband's more sensative side, he is much more considerate of my feelings then, but he seems to "slip" into his more macho side now and then.

Focusing more on the sensitive men (who it was more of telling me this) there's no way I believe they were doing it to embarass their wives or make themselves look better. They did it to say, "Look how much she loves me." Was that the best way to say it? Nooooo.. lol..

lol, yes, Beauty, that was a good way of putting it

but it was a form of communication. I don't believe in stepping on someone's story if I feel they are communicating a feeling or emotion. I don't think I'm digging too deep here either.

Men, in general, feel this form of communication to other men is a term of endearment. Meaning, "If I told you guys about this and you know she's the woman I'm married to, this is HUGE! It also shows how much I trust you, for telling you this about her." Again though because generally men don't think past changing the next channel they don't think about the recipient of the story thinking, "Dude! I'm so going to think about your wife in that position for like ever!" lol.. Even that's ok though because guys who would allow that to happen were more than likely thinking of their friend's SO that way anyways.

and this is soooo not what I want. I don't want other men thinking of me or looking at me in that way, having the whole picture in their mind. I love my husband and show him how much I love him, but to me, it loses it's meaning when it's told to everyone.

Now, if it's a gal they met yesterday then it's different. That's just bragging.

Does that make sense? I think we're mixing things in here. Those who talk about conquests and those who talk about the "Love's" of their lives.

Well, from what I understand, most men want thier woman to be a lady to the world, but also want thier woman to be a ***** in the bedroom (I am a lady, so I won't use that word, because I don't like woman [in a relationship]to be thought of in that way)

The most important issue is as you go forward now though Love, is that you've told him how you feel and now it should stop. If he doesn't, then he would be disrespectful. I don't think he's been even the slightest bit disrespectful to you so far.

I feel that he has been disrespectful since I have told him how it makes me feel once before already. Sometimes I feel he is like a child, it's like I tell/ask him to not do something (say I tell my husband ,"stop playing ball around the marigolds you are crushing them", then the next time he is playing ball in a different area of the yard only now, I have to say, "now you are crushing the roses"), ya know, it's like he just doesn't "get it".

I think he's just been gloating, and sharing in a man way. The gloating has been about how much you love him more than what you've done.

Like I said before, I do understand, but I still don't like it or how it makes me feel .....("cheap"). I don't mind if he shares what a great relationship we have or even that we do have a great intimate life, I just prefer not all the details being told. Many of our friends have been married for many years (many longer than we have been) and I know that they don't have a very active intimate life anymore (some, never did) as my husband and I do, so I can understand that he wants to "gloat" about it a bit maybe(I guess it's a 'guy' thing) but, just maybe don't give the all the details.

Ok.. if this post sucked, please being the pummeling. My pillows are firmly secured.

No, Beauty, not at all, your post is very helpful, and I thank you

I'll have my husband read this thread later.

And Thank You everyone for all your help

Caroline · Post by **Caroline** » Wed May 19, 2004 11:02 am

Hi Beauty,

I have to disagree with much of what you say, I'm afraid, and agree with Love's subsequent post. Unfortunately, I don't know how to do that neat trick she used of dissecting your post, section by section, and printing it in nice little white windows above her responses.

[quote]I think what Love's husband is doing is made up of several things. The one that we've focused on is him flashing his maleness in front of other men. That's one aspect of it. I can't really go into all the others, but I will go into the one I see it as. [unquote]

A man who is confident in himself doesn't need to 'flash his maleness in front of other men'. What needs to be addressed is why he feels the apparently compulsive need to do that. I use the term 'apparently compulsive need' deliberately, because from Love's own rendition of the facts, her husband repeatedly does it even though he knows it hurts her.

[quote]Love's SO "LOVES" her A LOT. [unquote]

I don't know how Love's husband feels about her, but what I do know is that he is not treating her with the consideration and respect that she has an absolute right to expect. Furthermore, if Love's husband loved her, she should not have to remind him that she is entitled to these things, but we know from her own admission that she has spoken out against his behaviour, yet he continues to ignore her in this regard.

[quote]He trusted her with everything that he is and told her about the most un-manly parts of his life.[unquote]

I take it that by 'un-manly aspects of his life' you are referring to his crossdressing? In what respect do you consider crossdressing as 'un-manly'? But even if you can justify your assertion that it is un-manly, how does his entrusting Love with his 'secret' justify him demeaning her in front of others, some of whom seem no more that casual acquaintances. Or would it be OK if he only did it in front of his friends, in your opinion Beauty?

[quote]I think [Love's husban] is just trying to show how much they love their SO and it gets mixed in with macho crapola. [unquote]

Ignoring your wife's wishes, and demeaning her in front of other people--and it is demeaning to talk about their intimacies--cannot be described as 'showing one's love for one's spouse'. In any event, the only person he has to show his love to is Love herself, not his buddies, employees, or 'Uncle Tom Cobbley and All'.

[quote]Men, in general, feel this form of communication to other men is a term of endearment [unquote]

I don't know what kind of men you are generalising about, Beauty. Ignorant rednecks, perhaps, Neanderthals, untermenschen, whatever, but I don't agree that it's ever a term of endearment. Why would any other guy want to hear that? At best, the telling of it is prurient, and I have never had any respect for any man who behaves that way, and I know that many other 'real' men feel exactly the same.

[quote]I don't think he's been even the slightest bit disrespectful to you so far. I think he's just been gloating, and sharing in a man way. The gloating has been about how much you love him more than what you've done. [unquote]

Of course it's disrepectful, the lady has already told him how much she dislikes it--but she shouldn't have to have told him that! And as for 'gloating', my dictionary defines that as, " gazing exultingly, especially with a wicked or malicious joy"; that doesn't sound very repectful of Love either.

Love herself hits the nail on the head with her own quote...

[quote] Sometimes I feel he is like a child[unquote]

Your absolutely right! In this respect he's being totally childish, and it is about time he grew up about it.

Love, you conclude your post with the quote: "I'll have my husband read this thread later". Please make sure he does. In fact, print it out, and read it to him nightly until he 'get's the message', and grows-up. Good Luck.

And Beauty, sorry that you are on the receiving end. I know that you mean well, as do I, but I think that you're just so wrong about how your read the situation.

Love to All,

Caroline.

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Wed May 19, 2004 1:25 pm

Well Gals I see this thread has certainly been active since I was here last.
I see Beauty's post as a further demonstration of something she is able to do with a fairly high degree of Class.

It is thought provoking and I see no harm in that. Some thoughts that it provoked in this blonds mind are:

That when offering advise there may be some value in considering; will the things I say hurt anyone, and if that answer is yes then is that what I want to do, and for what purpose?

I have discovered that it is not hard for me to make a mountain out of a mole hill. All I need to do is throw a little dirt on it.

Something else that I have had to consider, is if I choose to ignore this, What kind of a light will that put me in here, and is that what I really want to accomplish? Will this activity give me the kind of respect that is needed before people will value what I have to say? Will it give me enough respect that if I am off on some of my advise will others over look that and realize that it is impossible to be perfect?

I have also discovered that it is not hard to hurt more people than I help by the way I say things.

Having said that I also acknowledge that there are times when being hurt may be necessary in order for growth to happen, but I think that should be reserved for the arrogant.

Thank you all for provoking these thoughts. Feel free to enlighten me if you feel I need it.