During those years, I remained diligent in pursuing activities which would get me the most approval, acceptance, and validation. Finding out who I really was, much less being myself was not on my agenda; rather, being what other people wanted me to be was the main objective I strove towards.
I believed that, by doing so, I would stand the best chance of being accepted and validated. Unfortunately for my process of self-discovery, this meant that I would build a persona which did not match the CD identity within me, while neglecting my true identity as a CD.
A few things I did do which were closer to being expressions of my true self were reading popular Woman Fashion Magazines and my study of Woman’s Designer Fashion. These involved personal expression and the love of everything a woman would be interested in, which I consider are feminine attributes at the time.
Throughout my teenage years, I had just a few relationships with girls. Though I loved femininity, I didn't know what to do in order to succeed in dating or doing anything with females other than being their friends. I was so concerned about being accepted that I wasn't too keen on risking my desires in being a CD. I found out, though, as a result of one of my experiences, that I was unwilling to compromise what I knew to be truth in order to negotiate for what I wanted in a relationship. That experience, and others, also illustrated to me just how much I lacked in knowledge about relationships with the opposite sex, and how vulnerable my feelings were.
To be continued.
VickiCD
