Ok, here I go...in someways I feel new to this, in some ways not. Perhaps when I tell the whole story you'll understand.
So...my husband and I have both been married before, both short (3 years) relationships, mine while I was still a teenager. His did result in a daughter, whom he has had custody of since the divorce with only very recent (after 7 years) contact with his ex-wife at all. So his daughter is OUR daughter, she moved in with me when she was 3, she's now 11. She hasn't seen or spoke to her biological mother since she was 2. Anyway, after we had been married for two years, and I was expecting our first child, he told me that he occasionally wore my thigh highs (thigh highs being his biggest turn on for me to wear...now I wonder if it's because he wanted to borrow them? He says no, he honestly loves me in them). I don't remember exactly how I felt, except for confused. For some reason I didn't think it was a HUGE thing. I looked on it as a bit of a sexual pick me up thing, he said he just liked how they felt. (Note to CDers thinking of coming out to your SO...while she is pregnant is NOT a good time) I didn't at that time go through any huge how could he not tell me thing, mainly I think because at the time I thought he had done it for the first time in mine, therefore not being this "years kept away from me" secret. So, I think he wore them maybe once while we made love (with me in a pair also) and nothing much more was said about it. Maybe we were drunk?
Next, fast forward about two more years. He is in the Army, and sometimes it requires he be gone for long periods of time, specifically, he went to a 6 month class in Texas, while we were in Germany. Our phone conversations started to turn to him dressing more often, to the point of us discussing buying him accessories (at that point a wig and shoes). He has since told me that he thinks that maybe he was so frustrated at that point (he brought nothing with him to dress in) that he was going nuts and overboard as to ordering things. I went ahead and ordered the things, and also bought some bras, panties, makeup and nails for him. Thing is, when he came home, nothing much more was said again...he didn't rush home and put them all on or anything. (Not in front of me anyway, and he says he never "put the whole ensemble together, just tried on the wig). So again, I wasn't really freaked out or anything, just a little uncomfortable with the idea, and mainly that because I was confused as to why I got all that stuff if he wasn't going to come home and do the whole deal. I guess I kind of felt like I certainly wasn't going to be the one to bring it up. Then, a little more time goes by, and he starts every once in awhile wearing thigh highs to work under his uniform, which I'm still kind of uncomfortable with (more on the aspect of something happening, him getting into an accident and getting caught, etc. He has the very real threat that if he did get "caught" like that, his career would be over...he has 13 years in on a 20 year retirement so far), but also uncomfortable, because he was still kind of "hiding" it from me, and I didn't understand why, when I had been the one to buy it for him and I felt that showed that I was ok with it. During this time, while we were still in Germany, I went home to visit for a month, and he dressed in my clothes (still without the wig) and made a video that I watched when I got home, which still led to no big discussion, or him doing it more openly. (During this time, he mentioned once while he was drunk, putting on his mom's pantyhose and falling asleep and his parents coming home and finding him and accusing him of being gay) So, we came back to the states, and I get pregnant again. Once again, I went home for a visit, and I come home and find a price tag from a bra I got him (not my size) on our dresser. When I asked him if he worn it while I was gone he said no. Why, why, why...I don't understand this aspect...I'm the one who bought it, why continue to have to lie???? So, a couple months later all of a sudden he's bringing up him being with another man. We had already had the same type of discussion as far as I was concerned, we batted around the idea for quite awhile of me being with another woman, on the terms that he would be there to watch, and had thouroughly discussed all the benefits and consequences of such a thing. (In the end, I decided against it, as we went to a strip club, and I got a lap dance, and even that felt wrong and like cheating to me, the "finding out what it would feel like" not being worth the trade off) Part of this is also to illustrate how we can talk about issues completely with eachother and make educated and informed decisions concerning them. Yet another reason I didn't understand why he never would talk to me about it. So, we decided maybe he would try to find another man to be with, and he posted an ad on a site that caters to that type of thing. Here I will admit that I was hoping it would fall through, lose it's novelty, like it did with me, before it got to that point. So, as part of this ad, he completly dressed for the first time in front of me, I did his makeup, and we took pictures for him to post. Then, it got to the point where he had a serious inquiry, to the point of talking about finding a time to get together. (I'll also add here that me being the room was one of the requirements) While I was worried about diseases, I was basically ok with him trying this. I certainly wasn't worried about him "turning gay" So then things got hectic, I had the baby in January, and he never really made any serious attempt at finding a babysitter ( I feel his way of avoiding it b/c he wasn't so sure after all). I also, in March, got him breastforms for our anniversary, because during the time he made the video while I was away, he expressed frustration at finding something to pass for boobs. I included a card with them, telling him that this symbolized he could tell me anything..still no big conversation. Anyway, this guy starting IMing me, and through the course of that suggested a book for me to read. I ordered the book, starting reading, and had quite the eye opening. I guess I had also thought it as some kooky sex thing, I certainly never realized what a part of him this was. I asked him to read the book with me, and whenever either of us came to a point we wanted to discuss with the other, we would highlight it. Through this came, after all these years and all these incidents, our first real discussions on the actual crossdressing subject. (Right now I'll interject that I had a phone conversation with his ex-wife, about a year ago and she said something to the effect of, you got a wierd one there, likes to wear panyhose. I asked him if he had with her, and once again he lied, saying the only time he had ever worn panty hose when he was married to her was out to the field to keep the ticks off, which apparently a LOT of soldiers do.) So, through the course of the book, and our first real discussions, I got quite a few revelations. Now, crazy as it sounds, after all this time, THIS is when I got upset about the hiding it from me and lying in the past, because this was the first I realized to what an extent it had to have been. This was when I started having all my conflicting thoughts, does he want to be a woman, etc. He admitted that he vaguely remembered trying on pantyhose when he had to have been pretty young, all he remembers is the legs were flapping at the edge, so he had to have been pretty little. He admitted that the one time his parents caught him was not the only time when he was a teenager that he snuck pantyhose, and admitted that he had worn them during sex with his ex-wife as well. But and I admit I still don't understand this one...he said that until this book he's never considered himself a "crossdresser", just that he has these urges to wear things once in awhile. That one is still hard for me to understand, because we aren't just talking about stealing my pantyhose and things, this man already has a wig and shoes and outfits for crying out loud! He further explained that he's always tried to stop it, that he gets these fleeting urges once a week or so, until they build up to every two months or so this big argument in his head, where one side is saying, this is stupid, you are a man, and the other side wanting to do it. So, he'd always give in and wear something, and be fine for a couple months again. We are both new to this crossdressing being a part of him, and he's started to work towards acceptance. He's agreed that when it comes to the point in his head where he's arguing against it, he's just going to do it. He is scared though, that the more he does it, the more he will like it, and neither of us want him doing it all the time. I feel that if he can accept it as part of himself, then when the urges do come he can do it, and be much more satisfied in those times that he does, so he doesn't have this constant taboo need of having to do it more. I think the more he does deny it, the more he will end up doing it. I think proof of that is the 6 months he spent away not being able to dress at all, and then all of a sudden he needed the whole outfit. I go back and forth on my ideas of it as well. I accept it, I'm fine with it, and when he does do it I want to participate. Like for intance right now, I have this want to do his makeup for him, and have him bring Anita downstairs to spend the evening with me after the kids are asleep. My big hesitation in all that is that I'm afraid that if I suggest that, he's going to think I want it all the time, and I know there are going to be times when I am just in the mood for HIM, not Anita. I know that part if just going to take good communicating and we have to work on it.
We also decided after finding all this out, he won't be being with another man, for one thing we decided, what if he likes it, do we regularly schedule a certain amount of times a year for him to do it? Both of us were uncomfortable with that, feeling like breaking our commitment to each other too much. So, while I'm not completely new to this, I am definitely new to what it entails.
I guess that's long enough for now, I'll let you guys in with some feedback
