If You Could Change?

[Kersten Lee]

Hi All,

When I first read the question, I thought boring. As I read the answers,
the question became very complex.

I think someone here asked once, if there were no mirrors would there
be cross dressers at all? Talking to my wife, I think she asked a relevant
question. Why can't I be me and not change if I only stop wearing skirts
and heels and what ever. Is my or our brains tied so directly with
cross dressing that we would no longer exist as the people we are?

I am thinking that we may be judging ourselves way to harshly. If we
woke tomorrow and no one wore clothes and that was the law of the land,
I would venture that we would still be the same people.

Consider myself, some of you feel like me. I never fit in the normal boy
behavior patterns. From 4th grade on I enjoyed girl behavior, talk,
importance of earth and family, beauty, flowers, priorities, negotiation
and not confrontation. I had some boy in me too, but I would have
enjoyed life through school more if I were a girl. Sex has been very
important to me, but not in the terms of max number of female
conquests. A couple times in school and at work the alpha males made
fun of me because of what they perceived as gay characteristics.

I thought I could be gay up til last year. Through therapy I learned
what homosexual meant. I have never had any desires for a man.
Alpha men especially, and other men generally, dislike woman who
show strong male characteristics in my work place, the same as not
liking men with soft charcteristics.

The punch line is: Dressing as female I am happy, comfortable, can love
myself and my faults, (male side can't accept faults, I am always
right as the ship sinks, syndrome), I can feel good about being sexy,
attractive and even pretty. These are all things parents generally don't
want in their sons. As males we may see female clothing as the outward
signs of femaleness. Dressing is only the free expression of what has
always been in me. No more no less. I need to dress but I don't believe
in actuality that it is a compulsion for me, only a means to feel wonderful
about the person I've always been. Transgendered people are another
step towards female, believing they are female in the wrong body.

I'm in the same boat as Anita. I too have throwed my judgmental
attitude about people different than me away since I have begun to accept
the me I am. I still have opinions, but not with hate toward others.

Because of the discussions, I see things in my life so clearly now...
I wonder if I will feel so clear tomorrow or next month???????????

Kisses to All,
Kersten

[Kay(SO)]

I find this question to be somewhat interesting as it makes me think and puts me in a bit of a quandry. As an SO, my initial answer is that I would love for my husband to be able to take a pill and have the CDing go away and not be a part of him. But then I think about how that might change him. There might be a him that I don't like or love anymore because CDing is a part of him and the HIM now, is who I fell in love with afterall. Not knowing how he would be different makes it difficult for me to say yes. Also, like Love said, I want him and feel that everyone has a right and duty to be who they are no matter what. I've always felt that I will not take the responsibility for stopping him from feeling or being whole. That's why I have compassion and support him. I participate, travel, go out, do make up and buy him things. Would I prefer not to be in this position? If I'm true to myself I would have to be honest and say YES. CDing has made our lives difficult, complicated and sometimes way too much work. Sometimes the roller coaster ride of emotions is more than I can take. What I go through mentally and emotionally to offer my support is something that he will never be able to understand, just as I will never fully understand what CDing is to him. So, I sit here on the fence with this question. I love my husband and have committed to loving all of him. I accepted the fact that he is and will be a CD'r until death. Do I enjoy this lifestyle? No, not really but I do it anyway. I do it for him. I do it because he is my best friend, lover and soul mate. I wish he could understand the sacrifice I make by continueing to support this need, this part of who he is that continues to baffle me after 7 years. Thanks for asking this question and for making me ponder. Thanks too for letting me babble on about it.

Kay(SO)

[GalicianGirl(SO)]

This is definitely an intersting thread...

I'm not really sure how Shannon would feel about this and if he would take a pill to make the CDing go away.

For me, I think I would want him to take the pill so it would go away. Shannon really doesn't have any of those female qualities anyway so I don't think I'd be missing out on anything... I think if he took the pill he might be happier and less moody...

[Shannon]

I would take the pill, with out a second thought about it.

Sorry, I know that is a lousy thing for the "Founder" to say....

[Shannon]

For me, I think I would want him to take the pill so it would go away. Shannon really doesn't have any of those female qualities anyway so I don't think I'd be missing out on anything... I think if he took the pill he might be happier and less moody...

Now to responde to these comments by Sharon and how I personally feel....

I am a very sensative person, more than Sharon seems to realize... and more than is reasonable for anybody to comprehend.... I cried while watching "Field of Dreams"...... And I laughed my a_s off while watching Scarface..... Things just affect me, strange things, I must admit..... I get "happy" and "hurt" but simple things.... kind of like a woman at that certain time of the month (oh, crap.... did I say that out load???) I am SO VERY male in many ways that are obvious, because I have 30 some years to develope a male personia to hide the "other" side..... But I am also rather female in many ways that are in there, just hidden as best as I can, because that is what I am "supposed to do"....

I often feel that I can not show my true self to my SO... I can not show what I really feel inside.... I can not let out what is a part of me.... to her. And that is me, not her... I am very lucky, because she wants me to open up and accept it... she says that she "accepts it".... "so why can't I ???".... I CAN'T ANSWER THAT... I wish I could....

My feminine qualities are there, it is just that I am not really confortable showing them... I still find it embrassing.... I find it difficult

As Sharon just pointed out to me, I don't really accept myself... and she is SO RIGHT... I don't....

I can't explain why I don't...... I wish I could.... I guess I just feel the need for positive re-enforcement. I need to be "pulled" into things....

Where was I going with this post?????

I don't remember........ But I just wanted to responde to the comments by my SO.... who by the way I LOVE very much

[Shannon]

Ya know, I just thought about it more.... and I think part of my problem is that I feel I can not be what I want to be as a crossdresser.... I never really present the image I want.....

And NO, I don't mean I want to be a "woman"... the big SO fear..... I just mean I never seem to present the visual image I want to..... I have an image in my mind of women that I want to present... I never seem to acheive that and I just feel like "a smuck in a dress".....

I myself feel that is part of crossdressers..... we know what the image is we want to present and when we see our attempt, we are disappointed.... it just isn't quite there.... or WAY OFF in my case....

Well I am sure this string of posts will kill this topic.... Sorry

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Shannon.

You stated; I myself feel that is part of crossdressers..... we know what the image is we want to present and when we see our attempt, we are disappointed.... it just isn't quite there.... or WAY OFF in my case....

Your comments have just helped me to see a part of my past that I had not recognized. For what it is worth to you, for many years I did not get into wearing dresses all that much, I guess because I too felt that I could not present the image I wanted to.

I no longer try to present that image, and am quite satisfied with occasionally making my self look as pretty as I can, with out any preconceived notion or template of what I should look like.

I think it must be a wonderful feeling for any person to look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing, except "The pretty one."

I don't know if that is any help to you or not, but I share that with you just in case it might be.

[Elizabeth]

Shannon wrote

And NO, I don't mean I want to be a "woman"... the big SO fear..... I just mean I never seem to present the visual image I want to..... I have an image in my mind of women that I want to present... I never seem to acheive that and I just feel like "a smuck in a dress".....

You know? I have not been fully dressed up in a long time. But everytime I did, it was wonderful. I never cared about what it projected as much as how it made me feel. My wife used to run a day care center and had all these really cool teacher type floor length dresses. There was this green and white one in particular that just suited me right. I remember putting on that dress and just feeling great. It did not even matter if I had makeup on. Sometimes I would just sit and listen to music, and other times I would play my guitar in that dress. I didnt even have a mirror in that room.

Was I a "smuck in a dress" ? Probably to anyone who would have seen me. But it never mattered to me. I truely beleive that the beauty of crossdressing comes from the inside, not the outside. It's about our sanity. The numbers say only a small percentage of us are gonna be passable. I mean look around the mall? There are only a small percentage of GG who possess that look. I suggest that you could change your perception of what your projection should be, to one of an imperfect person. That is what I do. That way I don't have to worry about how I look, or what I am projecting, only how I feel.

I guess in short, I feel that you are certainly not going to gain acceptance just by having the "look", even if it seems like you are. People are afraid of us. They are afraid it will somehow infect them and they will become more insecure than they already are. Or we may expose that they are hiding feelings, regardless of what they are. I think it all just boils down to acceptance. I have decided that if I can accept this, that is going to have to be enough.
Love to all,
Elizabeth

[Kersten Lee]

Elizabeth,
That was so insightful, with such a wonderful tone. Elizabeth I am so
proud of you! Between with what you said and Darlene, I wonder if
I am infected yet with a little of that image of the perfect woman.
Even girls are hurt needing to be that perfection that tv, movies and
magazines sell. I think a lot of those ideas have affected me
negatively in the past and also that male ideal that as men we are only
men if we are tough and unyielding.


Shannon,
All of us are similar in one respect or another. Sharon said she didn't see
fem feelings in you, and cding didn't make sense. You say you have and
don't express these feelings. Am I right or off base?
You both could want the same things and your saying these things are
inside you. Read both your posts again. You both need to talk over this
single issue and no more and revisit what you talked about a week or two
later. See and compare notes. In little ways did you become softer in your
"developed macho male attitudes", (paraphrasing again, but I think that is
what you said). Does Sharon love a little softer you or does she want you
just to be that macho male? None of this, to me, has anything to do with
dressing. Clothes are good when window shopping but I believe Sharon
and you do have a deeper love for each other. When you do this, both of
you need to forget old problems. Talk about this with understanding and
love like you both did when courting. I will bet you have some real stories
to tell from those days.

I cry over shows and movies all the time. Like so many things in my life
it made me miserable when I would cry, so much so it was hard to enjoy
the shows. These days, I cry if I want and feel ok. If someone else is
uncomfortable seeing a man cry, they have worse issues than I. Like
Deborah says the masses are the asses.

My wife and I have gone through the exact things of which you and Sharon
were writing. I hope I may have helped in a little way.

Give Kisses to each other,
Kersten

[Gelinda]

Shannon, It is somewhat funny but not really. The way you talked about the CDing in the posts of yours. I am feeling the same thing or worse right now. I am happier I know what I am now but am also always down because I just do not understand any of it.

I want to find that thread inside me and destroy it. I want the inner peace I have never had as a male or female. When growing up, my father the drill sargeant wanted a super son which I never was and I know now that I could never have been. Not because of him but because of me. I can still to this day never can do anything good enough.

When I was growing up, I was the loner as I went to 24 different schools before graduating from High School. I did want to be part of any group but never was. I am still a loner in my own home and have always pushed people away. Can't make friends because I will have to leave them and will not be good enough for them. The Perfectism again so it is easier to be a loner.

I mean the reason for Ranger Sniper School was to prove to myself I was man enough to kill, (12 Confirmed in Nam) be the super man drive the wanting to dress out of my mind was parting of the thinking then. To now still have flash backs and still see the faces on some nights.

Racing and driving fast same as Ranger School be macho and maybe I can get some Lady to look my way. Was my thinking in the early days before I found my soul mate (Stephanie).

I look at 90% of the thinking and decisions I have made over the years has been due to this CD and perfectism thing.

I was saying in another thread earlier today that I am not ready to go out EN Femme to the SCCL thing. I could not do it because I could never be the perfect female. I know how to be a macho male even if it is not the real me. But what is the real me, it is not being gay or wanting to be a total female. I love the sex life I have now, except that I am not at home enough for it. So where does all this leave a person. I see so many of you so happy with the dual role you live and are happy with who you are. I have prayed to be like some of you so much that it hurts to even think about it now. So many of you have helped in ways you will never understand but where is the end of the road and the inner peace so many of you have with yourselves.

Shannon I am sorry for rambling but as you can see I can relate with taking the pill. But if I take the pill what will I be then. The pill will have to tell us what we are, also. Gelinda. Down again. I need to be run off from this place. Always bringing never things to the table.