I just can't beleive this happened to me.

[Elizabeth]

I know all of you CD's are gonna relate to this, but how mamy times have you just thought to yourself. "I can't beleive this happened to me" "Why couldn't i just be normal?"

Yeah, yeah, it's a gift and all that, but the truth is, it has been incredibly painful. humiliating, embarassing, shameful, and guilt ridden. So why are a small few of us compelled? Why do we have this need that is so important, we will give up all of our relationships for it? Why are we so compelled? HOw could it possibly be worth it?

I don't think it is a coincedence that this forumn contains the largest group of highly intelligent people I have ever seen. Also not a coincedence it also contains some of the most artistic people I have ever had aquaintence with.

Why are these incredibly intellingent, artistic, sucessful men compelled to dress in women's clothes? Well, that is the $64,000 question. I just can not understand why it is so important to society that I wear the designated costume. What does it hurt if I wear what makes me feel good? Why is everyone else allowed to wear what makes them feel good, but I am not? I was not given a choice about what I was going to like.

I have always felt it was punishment for refusing to obey social rules, by putting on women's clothes the first time, so I would know I liked it. I really assume that most men are not attracted to crossdressing not because it does not feel great, but because they would never cross the line to find out that it feels great.

However apparently highly intellingent, artistic people seem to cross that line, and are compelled to do so, for reasons they can not understand themselves. Which leaves me thinking, "I just can't beleive this happened to me"
Love always
Elizabeth

[Alexandra]

but the truth is, it has been incredibly painful. humiliating, embarassing, shameful, and guilt ridden.

this occurs because you're trying to conform yourself to what others expect you to be. eventually you'll come to realize that YOU have to come first, not them and things will get easier.

Good luck.

[Loretta Ann]

Elisabeth,

You Stated; I have always felt it was punishment for refusing to obey social rules, by putting on women's clothes the first time, so I would know I liked it. I really assume that most men are not attracted to cross-dressing not because it does not feel great, but because they would never cross the line to find out that it feels great.

We liked it and were attracted to the clothing before we first wore the clothing. If not we would not have wanted to wear them, and we would not have liked it. most men are not attracted to cross-dressing because it does not feel great for them. There is usually a hidden cost to assuming.

You also stated; Why do we have this need that is so important, we will give up all of our relationships for it? Why are we so compelled? How could it possibly be worth it?

My answer is because the relationships we gave up were not healthy relationships for us, the relationships I have given up would not allow me to get my needs met, the ones I form now do.

[Virginia]

Elizabeth, honey you raise some interesting questions, however as my sisters have posted -"Its (initially) all about me!" To venutre into the realm of wearing women's clothing is one step. I won't go into the sensual aspects (as Beauty would not so politely knock me up side the head) but we all know what a truly sensual feeling it is or we would not keep doing it.
Now I can only speak for Deborah, although dressing is still important to her, the pshychological influence that she has exerted on my life and allowing me to pass this "gift" and its benefits on to those around me and to see the results makes me feel that yes indeed that this is a gift. I feel sorry for my brethren who live in their ignorance of what a wonderful experience that this is! As for society's norms - Screw - 'em!!! If I present myself dressed, and carry a feminine personna then I do it for me! If I influence or lend a helping hand to anyone because of my feminine personna (where I probably would not have done it as a male) not only have I made a positive difference in someone's life, but I too have grown. And isn't it what we are here for? To help and love our fellow travellers on this veil of tears! Who is to question how we go about it?
Just go with Elizabeth - the Magical Mystery Tour is well worth the price!
Love,
Deborah

[Celia]

Our culture adheres to a fallacious Law of the Excluded Middle for physical sex: one is always and immutably either male or female but never both. It is largely (and not-so-blissfully) unaware of people who are intersexed. The medical community has typically swept the existence of such people under the rug, helping society keep its head tenaciously buried in the sand.

Keeping in step with the irrationality of the above, society then rigidly assigns and strictly maintains gender, a far more arbitrary construct than physical sex. And society, as is often the case, has us do penance for its sins: thus the humiliation, embarassment, shame, and guilt that we mistakenly take to be our due. About all we can do is decline this "gift" until the giver figures out the inappropriateness of it.

-Celia

[Leila]

Elizabeth, girl I know exactly how you feel. There times that I can't believe this happening to me too.I have do a lot of reading and talk to some peolpe about it. and came to the conclusion that this is who I am
and I'm not going to let shame,guilt ,fear or being confused keep me
from living and enjoying my life because life is way too short. Leila

[Elizabeth]

Thanks everyone,

I understand that many of you are well adjusted coping crossdressers. But I presume you were not always. I also assume you must at least have moments of doubt.

I mean sometimes I feel great, like I can accept my crossdressing as a gift. I look forward to being able to live my life how I please. I do consider myself enlightened in this regard. But I have lots of self doubt. Like maybe it is just an obession and compulsion. I mean how do you know the difference?

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Beauty]

Hi Elizabeth,

The question you asked can only be answered by each individual. Unfortunately it's not as holistic as that. It's different for some.

"In this world things are much harder than in the after life. In this life, you're on your own." - Prince 'Lets Go Crazy'

Beauty

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Elisabeth,

You are right, I used to have doubts, as Beauty said we all are different. I guess the reason that I know is because that is how I get my emotional needs met.

As long as it was an obsession and a compulsion my emotional needs were not being met. I think choosing to remain single has helped me with this? I am not looking for other ways to get them met, which did not adequately meet them any way, (while I was married.) Once my emotional needs began to be met, I began to mature at a faster rate than before. Which went a long way in confirming that what I was doing was the right thing for me.

And that is just my story.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Well, Elizabeth, again, you bring up a good topic.

About the transgendered (or differently-gendered), Celia is right (and eloquently so, I might add). We're a profoundly binary species, we are. Of course, we could see this coming ever since the invention of sex, back in, oh, AD 1892. Seriously, very few people have made an argument for our being a breed apart (a "third term," for cultural theorist Marjorie Garber); most will always need to consider gender an either-or proposition. As others here have said, we need not be made to feel guilty or ashamed for the lack of vision (and understanding) of the many.

About crossdressing being either a gift or an illness (the curse of compulsion), shrinks only consider it such because it can cause the "afflicted" person considerable distress. Here's what two of the psychiatrists on the editorial board of the DSM-IV have to say about our condition:

The cogent argument has been made that Gender Identity Disorder is not so much a problem in the individual but rather a manifestation of cultural intolerance toward differences in gender self-expression. [...] Nonconformity to male or female cultural stereotypes is not enough to warrant a diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder. It must be part of a larger picture of profound and consuming disturbance and distress about the disparity between one's biologically assigned gender and how one feels about it. It is certainly perfectly normal for a girl to be a tomboy and for a boy to prefer playing with dolls and learning ballet--unless the child is miserable about the situation. (Frances, A. and First, M.B. Am I Okay? A Layman's Guide To The Psychiatrist's Bible. Touchstone, 1998. p.186. ISBN: 0-684-85961-0)

Of course, the authors don't mention that "how one feels about [one's gender]" has everything to do with cutural tolerance or intolerance towards gender self-expression.

So, Elizabeth, hold your head up high. Educate where you can--yourself first, and then others; it's the only way (well, along with just being who we are) to promote a greater cultural tolerance in this regard. We are not freaks, perverts, weirdos, or mentally ill. We are human beings, individuals whose emotional and psychological developments have led to harbour a profound need to express aspects of our personality traditionally assigned to the opposite sex ("traditionally" being the key term, here).

In the end, and as Beauty said, this is a set of $64,000 questions we must all answer on our own. Still, that hunt for answers can be made a bit less daunting with a little help from our friends in support groups and on forums such as these.

Take care, Elizabeth and, well, be well!

Love,
CJ

[Virginia]

Awesome, CJ, simply Awesome!!!! So glad your back!!!
I would like to comment on the "gift." It is not the ability to dress and pass and act feminine. It is the ability to superimpose the desired and accepted feminine characteristics that we cherish on those we come in contact with. Those being, love, empathy, gentleness, caring, nurturing, consideration. These can be exuded in any form we take and is it not what we are here for - to make things better for others. Like you ladies have done for me - here!
Love ya,
Deborah

[Elizabeth]

Wow!

That last round of comments was just awesome!!!!!!!

All I have to do, is find a way to live it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[CJ]

Or, rather, find a way to let it live in you, love!

Deborah,

Thanks for the warm thoughts. I am glad to be back. About your comments on the gift of gender variance, something I'm still struggling with here (and it's an issue SOs occasionally bring up) is the question of whether or not it's possible for a man to value, and apply in his own life, the characteristics of love, empathy, gentleness, caring, nurturing, and consideration--without having to do so in the guise of a woman, psychologically speaking. Of course, I believe the answer is a resounding "yes." The catch for me is this: never having lived as a non-transgendered male, I can't easily tell if my own attempts at espousing those values stem, precisely, from my being a crossdresser or not. I know men in my life who are, in fact, gentle, caring, and eminently compassionate. However, is there a possibility they're also transgendered souls? That, I don't know. The fact is, boys aren't socialized in such a way as to value those characteristics... a comparison between the boys' and girls' aisles in the Wal-Mart toy department is enough to confirm this (it's hard to foster a caring attitude with a gun in your hands). I know that many schools are now teaching peaceful conflict resolution strategies for students. Hopefully, in some not too distant future, empathy, compassion, and nurturing will be considered human (and humane) values, not simply feminine ones. Of course--a tip of the hat to our esteemed moderator, here--that won't necessarily mean we can't enjoy a good game of football.

Love,
CJ

[Karen Marie]

elizabeth,
i can see your going through a difficult time.believe me,
cding is not a punishment.i firmly believe that it is genetics.
it will take some time to come to terms with who you are.once
you reach acceptance and can incorporate it into your life,things
will be much better.our feminine side opens up a whole new world
of experiences for us. good luck. hugs,karen.

[Loretta Ann]

CJ stated; I know men in my life who are, in fact, gentle, caring, and eminently compassionate. However, is there a possibility they're also transgendered souls? That, I don't know.

I also know men who are like this CJ, and I believe that these souls are getting there emotional needs, properly met. It has been my experience that those who are not gentle, caring, and compassionate people are those who are lacking in this area. That is the gift that I see can come from cross-dressing.

In other words what I am attempting to say is I don't believe it is possible to aquire these gems until one reaches the point where one is able to love ones self unconditionaly.