could I start this by saying a big thankyou to everyone who welcomed me here, It's a very warm and encouraging start... THANKYOU!
I would have wrote this sooner but I had some confusion floating around in my head which needed sorting out (I see a psyco-therapist and that brings up all sorts of ****).
Anyway... erm... here goes... I remember being fascinated by my mothers clothes and make-up when aged around 7. Trying them on, playing with make-up etc, I can't remember being caught though I doubt I would have been very carefull. I was very boisterous as a child and probably a bit disturbed to be honest! One strong memory back in 1967 when I was 7 yrs old... being in bed with measles when my dad brought me up a record player with the LP 'colours' by Donovan. What an impact!! I felt sad not knowing why, Iv'e felt sad, depressed or suicidal ever since though nowadays it's beginning to level off.
My dad was always very intense (and drunk) until recently when it nearly killed him. I was badly bullied at school, never quite fitting in and feeling misplaced. Throughout my teenage years I was always falling for some girl or other, and what with being bullied etc, the dressing went totally out of my head. I went to art college (Iv'e always been musical and artistically minded) for some years with my head in bits. This came to a head when I was about 19, after spending a lot of time with a girl from scotalnd, ending up heartbroken, my emotions all over the place and swearing things had to change. I knuckled down, thinking this is what was expected of me, got married to a practical minded woman, trying to keep the lid on my extreme emotional state. A terrible idea really, and I cringe now when I look back at the mistakes I made, I spent nearly 20 yrs in severe depression which included a spell in hospital for my own safety. I drifted back into crossdressing over the years with a lot of guilt and anger directed at myself. My wife at the time knew and participated, though there wasn't much happiness. The best thing by far to come from the marraige was my daughter
Eventually about 6 yrs ago I decided things had to change, things were bad for everyone, I left, got divorced and promptly made another mistake.
I spent 6 months with an alcoholic woman who basically tore me to shreds, a couple of suicide attempts later I finally started to get counselling, though it never touched the surface of my problems! It was then when I met ~D~ my partner, wev'e been living together for 4 yrs and life is starting to turn corners at last. I told her up front about my past, though because she had issues of her own to sought out she asked me to delay any feelings of dressing. SO... finally here we are, Im' just getting back to the dressing, trying to learn to accept myself.. no angst... just slowly, slowly. Iv'e learnt such a lot in the past few years, I have such a lot to give. I want to come to terms with my trans nature and find out who I really am. I still have a long way to go, though things have improved loads.
A couple of other comments... we see such a lot of images of the USA where a lot of the members come from, the best I can offer in return is the film 'Billy Elliot' was made just a few miles from here, if youv'e seen it, it gives an idea of our nieghbourhood. On Tuesday, I was totally en-femme for the first time in years, wig, make-up, the works... I was very shy and quiet until ~D~ came out with a camera and I discovered a totally new part of me... flirting with the camera!! WOW... that was a shock!!
Anyway Iv'e rambled on long enough, thanks for reading this if youv'e got this far, I truly hope I can be a usefull member of this forum, iv'e read loads of it and Iv'e nothing but praise for everyone, Thankyou
love and best wishes to all
Rebecca xxx
