A willing supportive SO or a reluctant supportive SO.

[Loretta Ann]

Hi you all,

I have been looking at all the struggles the SOs and there CDers have been going through here. Some of the SOs have stated that they will only allow there CDers to go so far, that if they choose to go beyond that line, they will be going it alone.

That has caused me to wonder? I have an on line friend who is a GG that wants A CD for her husband, and would want her CD to dress full time and go out with her and do different girl things together. In fact she has said she would encourage it.

Although that is more than I am looking for that sounds like some CDers dream.

I wonder if that is not one of the hidden costs of not being up front with your mate from the start go? Clearly if one is not upfront at the beginning they would not find someone like my friend.

When I read of some the struggles the SOs have and are going through here, my heat is saddened that it should be so hard for them. What do you all think about this?

Your comments Please?

[Gaven McLaren]

How old is your friend and where does she live? Nah I am kidding though she might like to come here and talk with us and the SO's to see if that is what she truly wants. It is a nice idea though I am sure the implamentation would be a lot harder then she thinks it is.

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Gaven.

I have given her the link to this site and invited her here, I thought her input would provide more of a balance here. She is presently in a relationship with a lucky CD that seems to be working out quite well.

[Shirley(SO)]

Dear Darline and others,

I can not speak for everyone but this is my opinion and my feelings.

There may be a lot of SO's who do not wish their SO to crossdress at least fully 24/7 for the same reason I don't. I married a man, that has now become a woman in appearence. I did not willingly agree to this in the beginning.

IF I wanted a female companion I would have found one.

A lot of women that I have met or read their postings have the same fear. The total and complete loss of the man they fell in love with......

[GalicianGirl(SO)]

To all,

I'm sticking my neck out here, please don't chop it off...

Yes, for me it has a lot to do with not being told upfront. I had every right to be able to decide for myself if I wanted to continue with the relationship or not. In return it just made me feel that my partner didn’t think enough about me to be honest. That just hits a nerve with me…

I did marry a man and would like to keep it that way. But it really doesn’t bother me how much my partner wants to dress. The lines drawn when all the male starts to disappear, be it hormones or transitioning. Like Shirley(SO) said, “If I wanted a female companion, I would have found one”.

We all have our limits on what we can tolerate. You can’t expect us SO’s to change our entire lives based around what you want. Marriage is a joint venture and both parties need to be taken into consideration.

There are many SO’s out there that have given up a lot so that their partner is able to CD. They have ended up losing their friends, family, and even identity to keep this big, hidden secret. At lot of the SO’s end up turning into people that they don’t even know or like.

All we want is the truth, your love, and a little respect…

[Love (SO)]

Hi Darlene,

I agree with the other SO's on this also.
I was not told until 13 yrs. (17 yrs. together in total) and 2 kids later. I feel that he didn't trust in me enough to tell me about this before we were married, and he now wonders why I have lost my trust in him.
I feel (for all those years) that my husband made himself appear to be the man that he "thought" I wanted, which was the man that I fell in love with, just as he fell in love with me as he "sees" me. I don't feel that it's fair to me, on his part to ask of me. I love my husband, but how much do I need to compromise of my own feelings for him?.......As Shirley said, "IF I wanted a female companion I would have found one.", I am not bi at all! I could not compromise my own feeling in that way, just as I wouldn't expect my husband to.
To me, a marriage is a partnership, both need to make compromises, one can not "always" be the "taker" and the other always just be the "giver"...it gets tiring and old.
When I was a young girl, and dreaming about my future, this was not in the plan.....and I wasn't given the choice....it was decided for me...now after 17 yrs. invested of my life.........."I" have to deal with it

As Sharon said, [but I'll put it in "my words"]
I'm just tired of the lies by omission (my husband has lied about many other non-CD issues also) and the lack of respect....I would like to have a choice in my future and not be treated as a child (always trying to "protect" me from things) , but as his partner in life.

In other words....I would like to be treated as I have treated him for all these years. Truthful, loving, and respectful....

[Kathy]

Since my marriage was ended, due in no small part to the fact that I hid this part of myself, I would have to agree that not being upfront is a problem.

If I was to enter into another relationship and that relationship had possibilities of going long term, I would have to tell her and let her decide if this was something she could deal with. Even if it meant the possibility of never seeing her again.

I understand the misgivings that some of us have. What happens if things go sour? Will I be "outed" to everyone I know? I think that is a chance we all take anyway.

If we really want to have a relationship of trust and open communication, then I firmly believe that must start from the earliest possible moment, not 20 years into the marriage. As Sharon(SO) said, it is a two way street and the feelings of both must be considered.

[Jaye]

I told my wife what I was when we were dating. I wanted to get it all out before our relationship got anymore serious than it was. I was expecting rejection, but she embraced me instead. She encouraged me to go public, to act out my fantasies. Prior to that I had only been out in public once, as part of a gag.

Without her, I might have lived forever in a closet, so to speak. That said, after we were married, her support for me dwindled. She needed me to "be a man" all the time, so I eventually stopped dressing. She'd relent for a time, allowing me to sleep in a nightgown, or wear pantyhose to work, but then after a month or so, she'd change her mind. By the time of our separation (last August), my wardrobe had shrunk almost to nonexistence. I hadn't gotten completely dressed or worn cosmetics in almost two years. Aside from shaving my pits and occasionally growing my nails, I hadn't done anything really feminine in a long time. Yet, when we speak about our separation, she constantly refers to my crossdressing, as though it were somehow a major cause.

I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the situation, but I don't get it.

[Barbara]

Just my 2 cents --

I'm kinda sitting on the fence here. On the one hand, many CDs (myself included, all those years ago) labor under the mistaken impression that once the right woman comes along, the CD desire will go away. If I knew then what I know now,....
On the other hand, I simply can't condone keeping the SO in the dark for years that turn into decades. If you had the aforementioned mistaken impression and then you realize the CD desires are not going away, you owe it to your SO to tell her!
I told my lady on our third date, the moment we both realized that what we had was no mere friendship. I felt she had a right to know, and I gave her the chance to walk out. She didn't approve of the CDing, but she appreciated my honesty and didn't walk out.

[Loretta Ann]

Hi you all.

I want to thank all of you who have responded to this thread so far. SOs first I want to let you know that I was and still am in agreement with you. I think your responses here should help to put more of a sobering effect on some of us. You have made me glad that I stared this thread. I hope that you will be heard here.

[Kay(SO)]

As a wife who was told upfront, I'm here to say that I have had as much difficulty as those who found out later. In different ways probably, but the mental and emotional turmoil seems to never end and it's been years.

The woman mentioned here who is all accepting, encouraging, etc... is not your average, every day woman. She is the exception to the rule and perhaps you are right about her being the "dream" girl for all CD'rs.

In reality, we struggle for a variety of reasons, the list is too long to put down here but a few have already been mentioned. Fear, anger, resentment, confusion, a lack of trust, feeling somehow threatened, distressed, embarrassed, exhausted, compassion, love, joy and sweetness... are just a few more feelings that may present themselves.

The hardest part is not knowing from moment to moment how I'll feel. It's an eternal roller coaster ride. Sometimes I just want to get off. For most CD'rs, they have been dealing with this part of themselves for most of their lives. We SO's have dealt with it for about a minute. I set boundaries because there are certain things that I'm just not comfortable with. I'm in therapy as well as a therapist, and I'm exploring why. But, like CD'rs just ARE, sometimes my feelings just ARE. I feel that setting limits is necessary for my levels of comfort. I would offer my husband the same thing. It's about compromise, give and take and caring about how the other person feels, as well as mutual respect. I'm not saying that we should give up our own needs completely. Sometimes it's necessary to find other ways to get them met. If he needs more than I can give him, then I would encourage him to move on and let me go.

By the way, I have helped my husband go farther than he ever has in accepting himself, going out in public, looking his best, go out with him, do his makeup, buy him girl things and even send him off to hotels on weekends to dress while the kids are around and he can't.

Okay, I've babbled on long enough. Good topic.

Kay(SO)

[Virginia]

Awesome, Kay!! I am going to print off your response and really study it.We are going to a counselor and it "seems" to help my wife. What you have said about your emotional responses really makes me think about what my wife (silently) is going through. We are at a " don't ask don't tell" stage. She does not want to meet Deborah and she does not want me going out in the day time. She allows me my own room to put my wardrobe, shoes, makeup etc and I keep it locked. The other day she asked if I had some nail polish she could borrow ( small steps, small steps).
Anyway one point I did want to make is that for those who have been married for 15 - 20 + years and are just coming to grips with Crossdressing. In defense of some of us, is it possible that we did not understand what was going on with us, had no where to turn (no offense to the sharing aspect) but from a professional stand point thought it may be some kind of mental problem and just wanted to keep it hidden for fear of embarrassment. With site likes this abounding - help is "everywhere" and the "professionals" are beginning to study us in detail and publish there findings. All this with in the last, what 5 years or so. I do completely agree that it is something that should be brought out at the beginning of any potentially permanent relationship, because we (CD'ers) now know "It ain't gonna go away."
Love you guys!!!!!!
Deborah

[CJ]

Hi all,

Yes, I agree, this is a great topic, Darlene. Thanks for starting this thread. It seems there aren't that many places in the forum where the CDs and the SOs can still interact directly.

Kay,

That was a very thoughtful and insightful post. Thanks. We too often forget that, just as we sometimes feel powerless to change who we are as crossdressers, so, too, do our partners feel powerless to change who they are, and what they're feeling, as heterosexual women yet partnered to feminine men. Often, and in both cases, that feeling of powerlessness leads to aggravation, anxiety, depression, and troubled relationships. Honest communication can alleviate this, though, and ameliorate our mental health, to some extent.

May you all be well--both with yourselves and with one another.

Love,
CJ

[Sally]

If a wife hasn't been told of her hubbys crossdressing until years after the wedding, after a time when they have had time to work through things, I find it interesting to ask the wife two questions.

Firstly, if they had been told prior to the wedding, would they have still married their hubby. The majority always say something to the effect that they honestly don't know.

If you ask that same question slightly rephrased to read, "If you knew him then as you know him now, would you still have married him?" and most will answer this, "Yes".

I guess in a way that this confirms the fact that if we give ourselves time to get to know someone, then things we may first perceive as unacceptable will not seem so offending.

It really confirms the belief most in society have, that a man in a dress is to be feared, as this belief is formed about someone they usually know nothing about and the type of person they really are. It gets back to fear of the unknown. Most people usually never know or have contact with a CD or a TS and their opinions are formed on uneducated and inaccurate information, so it stands to reason that most young women fall into the uneducated sector and it's perfectly natural for them to have doubts when first confronted with the situation. It's always a delicate and sensitive situation and I believe there is no one method of telling which can be assured of getting the required result for both parties.

This then on one hand is understandable why most men fear having to reveal themselves to their SO's, but on the other hand it leads to lies, deceit and secrets which of course is never a sound basis for any genuine relationship. Of course there is always the fear with her of how far it will go and this is a question which most of us cannot give a firm commitment on and I always believe it should be answered honestly that we really don't know, because if we say, this is it, I don't wish to take it any further, then we are on unsafe ground and we lose credibility if there is a continuence of things being released in bits and pieces, which just leads to more mistrust. There is no substitute for the truth, whatever that may be at the time.

Those of us who have accepting and supportive wives have to realise just how valuable of a jewell we have, especially those of us who are more than just a CD, I thank my lucky stars every day for being blessed with the wife I have.

Kind Regards to all.

Sally.

[Gelinda]

Darlene:

For me at the time I got married yes I once in a while cd'ed but I did not know that is what I was doing. I have fought it for 24 years. I in the last two months just realized that it is not me needing to be in a straight jacket and the funny farm. I only admitted to myself that it is ok to be a CD and then my wife of 24 years found out by accident. which I am very glad of.

I think there is a lot of other men out there in the same boat I was fighting there inner self and not understanding it. That it is not a sickness but just the way you are and there is truly nothing wrong with it, in the right setting. Gelinda