I did it again

Julie M. · Post by **Julie M.** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 12:52 pm

Last night I was having withdrawls and I told my wife I needed to dress up. She said OK then went to bed and I went to work. It was late, after 1 AM, but Julie would not be denied. I hadn't really planned anything except the top and skirt. Anyway, after what seemed like forever gathering my things I sat down at the makeup mirror and did a light makeup job then donned my clothes.

"All dressed up and no place to go"

All week I had been bugging Jacki to go out. She had other plans and I was getting frustrated. I NEEDED to go out. Last weekend was too much fun and I hadn't had enough of it. So I grabbed my purse, stuffed it with some $$$$ and hopped in the car to head to Escapades. They have a 5 AM license so I figured I would have a couple of hours.

I have never ventured out alone to go someplace before. I have always been with someone but I just didn't think about it. I just went. I have driven around dressed but this would be the first time actually having a destination other than home.

I got there and the place was pretty packed. Funny, I saw the stools Jacki and I had both Friday and Saturday nights last week and I thought, "They're sitting in my seat!" Maybe I felt more secure sitting there. Anyway I walked up to the bar and immediately was greeted by Rudy. As I said before, he's one of those special people that just makes you feel great. He remembered my name AND my drink! Wow! That was great!

I talked to a few of the people there and then a young guy comes up to me and starts flirting. (I'm sorry I'm so bad with names.) I don't have a problem with conversation but I won't mislead anyone and when the conversation looked like it was turning towards "an interest" I told him I'm straight. He was surprised but respected that. So we continue talking and I sense there's something more he wants to say. He was very complimentary about my appearance even though he knew nothing would come of it. I casually asked several questions because I already thought I knew what he wanted to say. So I asked him, "Have you ever worn women's clothes?" The look in his eyes told the story. He shyly admitted it. I pried some more and little by little brought him out. Finally he says the reason he wanted to talk to me was because he admired my courage coming out in public dressed and wished he had that courage to do it himself. I encouraged him the best I could but I understand at that age it's so tough. Maybe I'll see the girl in him come out in the future.

Sometimes I wonder if the world isn't full of men who want to be like us but don't have the courage. This is such a liberating experience I can certainly understand it if that's true.

The place was really hopping as a wedding party, two CDers from a pageant, and anyone who wasn't ready to retire for the night filled the place. I talked to several GGs who were all very cool about it. I'm very blunt about who I am and I just admit right upfront I have no illusions of being able to pass. This is just who I am. It's surprising how easily others accept you when you just accept yourself.

I look back at only a couple of months ago when I was miserable, drinking too much, withdrawn and depressed. Then for some reason I made my birthday a rebirth of Julie and I've never regretted it. Finding this forum and getting all the support from everyone here helped make this all possible. Meeting Jacki was the frosting on the cake.

I know this will only grow as an important part of my life. Being out in public is the best. It's my new vice and it beats the hell out of sitting around the house miserable. God I love this!

If you want to see some pics from last night go here: https://home.comcast.net/~julimarie/wel ... apades.htm

Love ya,
Julie

Kathy · Post by **Kathy** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 3:09 pm

Hi Julie,

Wonderful story!

I am so happy that you are finding yourself so at ease. One day, perhaps, I will find my way to where you are now.

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:14 pm

Hi Julie,

Based on the pictures, I can see that you had a wonderful time! Go girl!!

Sometimes I wonder if the world isn't full of men who want to be like us but don't have the courage. This is such a liberating experience I can certainly understand it if that's true.

I really think it is. I was suprised at how many male friends of mine were closet CDs. Even after they would see me out dressed at mainstream bars, oddly enough they were still very hesitant to discuss it with me. It always boggled my mind that they couldn't talk to me about it but I decided not to press the issue. But it eventually came to pass that they would come out & make their debut appearance as their female selves. When they did I was so happy! I felt like a 'big sis'.

I love the pics! I look forward to seeing more pics of your outings in the future. Rock on!!

*hugs*

~ Lorna

Stef · Post by **Stef** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 5:17 pm

Hi Julie!

Wonderful story! Thanks for sharing! Great pics too!!

Hugs,
Stef

Wendy Seymone · Post by **Wendy Seymone** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 9:37 pm

Very cool Julie... Chicago really is a fabulous city!!

Hugs and Kisses,
Wendy

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 10:14 pm

Way to go Julie,
Love the pictures. I am a bit jealous because I don't got no neat place like that to go to - at least I have not found one here.
Yes I agree that there has to be a lot of closet CD'ers out there, but until a way is found to garner more acceptance, guess they will just remain " in the dark."
Love,
Deborah

Kristen · Post by **Kristen** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 11:47 pm

=Julie , You are such a good story teller, and you look so compfortable withyourself. You are an inspiration to us all . Keep having a great and please keep the stories coming !!!! Thanks for sharing again !!
Kristen

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 6:51 am

Hi Julie,

I'm late getting here to read that WONDERFUL post, but thank you a million times over for posting it.

Someone else here said you are a truly wonderful writer and I have to agree. Your account of that who night was incredibly open. You are such a beautiful person on the inside and out. It shows when you write.

It's kind of weird for me Julie. I kind of think of Cami and her experience with Stef. I don't know what it's like to get out. I only know about the "hot" joints to go to and I'd really just like to find a small place I can get out and be me. I believe I would have been 100% like you were. I remember when I went out for Halloween once. I so wanted to go out again but never did.

Big mistake. It took YEARS before I went out again because I forgot what it was like.

It's actually one of the scariest things about being a CD'r. Once you go out, it seems that you want to keep going out. I go to my support meeting and that's about it. I think I told the story about the other morning when I went out @ 11am to pick up something from a friends house. That was incredibly fun, thrilling, and dangerous (career-wise) but I should have the right to be free too.

So your wonderful, wonderful post opened up so many locked doors in my head Julie. Thank you so much for posting your evening. It sounded wonderful and I'm sure that young person you talked to is still thinking about you and how great you were to him.

You're great Julie!!!!

I'm so glad you're here!!

Beauty

Julie M. · Post by **Julie M.** » Thu Jun 24, 2004 4:33 pm

In the almost two weeks since the Be-All I have done things I thought I never would and have yet to regret any of it. I shaved in the summertime, something I never would have done before because I was too afraid people would think strangely of me. I go out in public with shorts and short-sleeved shirts without a strand of hair on my arms, legs or chest and I have yet to get even a hint of curiosity from anyone. I have gone out by myself to a bar and have been treated like I was special. Two weeks ago I would have said I'd never do it, couldn't even imagine it. I go to work on a construction site wearing short sleeves and with the buttons opened on my polo shirt, pretty obviously sans hair. No problem.

I said after that weekend I had changed forever. As I wrote that I wondered if that would prove out to be true. So far it has. I realized I was trapped in a self-imposed jail. My own inhibitions kept me from enjoying life to the fullest. My motivation to continue is to think about how totally devastated I was that Sunday morning, lying on the floor crying my heart out not wanting to return to that prison I had created for myself. When I recall that I know I have to be brave and continue in the direction I started that weekend.

I have spent a lifetime hiding this from everyone I loved thinking I was doing it for them, that I was saving them from the burden I had carried so long. What I was really doing was holing myself up inside a walled fortress and keeping the people I love from truly getting to know me. And I was keeping a safe distance from them too, which in turn never allowed me the opportunity to know and love them as I should have.

These are the things I think about that keep me going, that allow me to be in public exposing shaved arms and legs, that allow me to shop for clothes without inhibition, that encourage me to discuss with my wife and daughter the things I kept hidden before and that have allowed me to explore how I will tell my son.

There is still a long way to go here at home. My wife and I are slowly opening up to each other in areas that were previously not discussed. My daughter still doesn't understand but she's accepting. And my son has to suspect so I have to figure a way to tell him so as to cause him the least pain and confusion. The road is very much uphill at this point but I have the energy and enthusiasm to make the hike no matter how long and arduous it will be.

Last night we discussed several things and she said I spend too much time on the computer. I know she’s bothered by the fact I can come here and feel so at home but she can’t make me feel that way because she doesn’t want this to be a part of me. We never came to that conclusion last night so I will continue the conversation today.

I think all SOs of crossdressers who feel this way need to understand that we can come here and talk to others who not only accept us but also fully understand what we are talking about. I read the post Beauty made above and my heart just soared! That I could have had such a wonderful impact on another human being just made me feel so great. I have many times heard comments similar to hers and each and every time I just get all warm and fuzzy inside. And of course I read posts that have helped me too. I can’t get that at home because they can’t relate like the people here can. My wife needs to understand this. It isn’t a slight on her or our relationship. We can’t all be everything to everybody we love. We can’t all understand every aspect of everyone we love. But we can still love them and enjoy them and accept them for who they are.

There are times I wish we could all get together and live in our own community but that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? We would never know the pain and pleasure we have come to know through crossdressing. And most importantly we would have never learned the valuable life lessons we have learned which are priceless!

I’m living one day at a time. I still have fears and concerns. I still find myself thinking and wondering if someone is laughing at me or might suspect but I am getting better at putting that out of my thoughts. I am slowly finding confidence in being the person I have been hiding for too long. The thing having the most impact is going out in public dressed knowing full well not one person who takes a second look will mistake me for a woman. But I am treated better even though they know this. They are more courteous, they hold doors open, and they are more kind. Yes there are exceptions but for the most part that’s what I’ve experienced and that’s a very nice feeling. It bolsters my confidence too.

I hope I haven’t rambled on too much but your comments meant so much to me that I felt compelled to let you all know what a positive impact all of this has had on me. But were it not for you this road would have been much more difficult and for that I thank you.

All my love,
Julie