Are SOs threatened by us?

[Julie M.]

In a recent conversation I had with Jacki she related a conversation she had with her mother in law (MIL). Jacki's wife is very anti-CD. Jacki's MIL is very cool and open about it. They talk all the time and her MIL even participates to an extent.

Anyway, during the conversation Jacki's MIL says she understands why her daughters (both Jacki's wife and sister in law) are so anti-CD. She said they are threatened by us. Shen then cited the pictures Jacki showed her from the Be-All Convention. She said. "You and Julie are better looking than a lot of women your age." Jacki's 51 and I'm 53.

I have thought about this and the MIL may have a point. Most 50+ women have had children and that usually results in some weight gain. Then there's complacency (if that's the right word). When I get dressed to go out I take a lot of time even though I'm just going out to a bar. The GGs at the bar are rarely as dressed up as the CDers. Most GGs are wearing jeans, gym shoes and some casual top and they are mostly in their 20s and 30s. So by the time 50 hits a lot of the enthusiasm to get all dolled up dies. But for me and many other CDers it's still a new experience.

One time this guy tells me I am more feminine than most GGs he knows. Does this support the MIL's theory? While talking to a GG there she was very complimentary of another CDer saying how classy she was. While she was wearing black jeans and a black top, the CDer was wearing a formal gown complete with a tiara, not something many GGs would be seen wearing. I told the GG if she did even half of what the CDer did she would blow her away(no she didn't take offense as we reached that part of the conversation mutually).

If SOs are threatened is it because we are still enthusiastic about getting dresses up? Is there a possibility that they just don't want to put forth the effort we do and they hate that we may be making them? Or is there some other reason why some SOs just can't accept crossdressing?

Julie

[Virginia]

Hi Julie,
Yes, that's a tough one to pin point. I am sure that there are as many reasons as there are SO's. I thought I knew why my wife does not want to meet Deborah, but I have been having second thoughts so that now I am not sure. At first I thought that since I would look as good or even better than she does she was threatened, but now I am not sure. I do agree that we (in general) probably do take more time to prepare and look our best than a lot of the GG's we run into now a days, but that does not answer the question as to why our SO's would see us as a threat. If I ever get a concrete answer from my spouse, I will post it, but for now, its the old "don't ask don't tell." in our lives.
Wish I had a better response and I will look forward to my sisters' replies.
Love,
Deborah

[Estefania]

I guess I find it puzzling how within the "CD community" we tend to ignore the fact that it is totally different to dress only for a party, to out to a club, to a SG meeting, etc, than being dressed FT as a woman.

GG's will dress nicely too, for the right occassion. To go to a baby shower, to a wedding, etc. They just won't dress up to go out shopping, or to take the kids to soccer practice. Why should they?

Also, they don't need the dressing up part to feel feminine! They are females, no need to wear heels and hosiery to prove anything to anybody.

Please realize that dressing up a few times a month, and making a festive event out from each one of those times, doesn't have anything to do with the reality of how things are for women. True, there are some females who will dress up on the every day basis. But even they are seen as exceptional cases.

So... about the original question... are SO's threatened by us? I think that most likely, they feel threatened by the CDIng in itself, not by the way their hubbies may look. And I don't know... if I was the wife of a CD who seems to believe he looks better than I do, I wouldn't feel threatened, I would feel outraged, not because of the looks, but because how dare him to disrespect her in such way! Most SO's I have got to talk to are threatened/fear what may come out from the CDing. They are oblivious to how nice or not their hubby may look in a dress. For them, no matter what, chances are that he is just a man in a dress.

Also, usually, when people comments how nice a CD may look... it helps to keep the perspective. They may really mean how they look very good, for a CD. ~ Julie, about the guy telling you how much nicer you look than most gg's... again, perspective. Is he comparing you with gg's who may be nicely dressed all of the time (like he gets to see you) or with "real" gg's who he may get to see running errands in the morning, or doing laundry, running behind an upset child, etc?

I guess most of this was just another rambling... but well, hope it may provide a different point of view.

Gaby

[Virginia]

Wow, Gaby, Great post! I will have to consider all you have said before I could comment, other than the part about the SO' just considers him " a guy in a dress." Very interesting.
Thanks,
Deborah

[Barbara]

Just my two cents --

I have been complimented by GGs on numerous occasions, and I always return the compliment as graciously as I can. If a GG says something like "You look better than me, for heaven's sake" (and I have been told this by some of the most beautiful GGs I have ever met), I simply tell her that's nonsense -- and if there's a mirror nearby, I face her toward it to prove my point. (Because it IS nonsense -- I know what I look like!)

Bottom line -- If a GG feels threatened by me as a CD, I do all I can to nullify the "threat". Believe me, I have no intention to pose a threat of any sort to anyone.[/i]

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Julie,

It is not difficult for me to understand why one might well look better than a GG, as we have a lot more to cover up than they, So we that go there have to work a lot harder at it. I have heard men make the comment that a CDer they knew was absolutely gorgeous.

Well you do look good Julie, I do think that your wife is right in saying that your make up could stand improvement. I do not know if it is just the pictures them selves or what? But I have noticed that from the first time I saw your pic. There seems to be two messages being presented there.

My 2 cents worth, for what it is worth.

[JoanneLee]

An interesting thought. If positions were reversed and your SO wanted to dress as a male. How would you feel ?

Joanne
ooxxoo

[Merinda]

Hmmm! , good topic Julie ,

I think the SO feels that she is being replaced by your alt/ego , her roll in the relationship is under threat by this other woman .

My other self is just that " ME " an expression of myself , who I am and who I have always been long before the relationship with my SO .
Most definatly not to compete in the relationship

[Celia]

One would think that, unless the CD were particularly good looking or the SO were particularly insecure, that the SO wouldn't feel threatened. However, this is looking at the matter from the standpoint of competition amongst the feminine. Clothing is also an indicator of general social standing. It may be that sometimes a sharply dressed CD can make some GG's feel awkwardly underdressed. I'm not particularly well-dressed at the moment--if I were suddenly in the company of a group of people who were decked out for a formal occasion, I would feel somewhat awkward--whether they were men or women. I don't think any of us cares to be upstaged.

-Celia

[Julie M.]

Hi Julie,

Well you do look good Julie, I do think that your wife is right in saying that your make up could stand improvement. I do not know if it is just the pictures them selves or what? But I have noticed that from the first time I saw your pic. There seems to be two messages being presented there.

Darlene,

I'm sort of confused. Are you saying my makeup has improved or it has always shown room for improvement? The reason I'm asking is because I didn't do the makeup in the present avatar. It was done professionally. It was intended for a formal night out occasion and not an everyday thing. Just an FYI.

Also what are the two messages being presented? I didn't get that either. Maybe I senile

Thanks,
Julie

[Julie M.]

Most definatly not to compete in the relationship

Merinda,

There has never been a moment when I was competing with my wife or any other girl I dated who knew. But that doesn't mean they don't think about it. One girl I dated in the early 70s told me she felt like I was better looking than she. I just laughed and said that's crazy. But it didn't stop her from thinking that. Once she saw me all decked out I think a little bit of insecurity crept in. I never understood it but then again my wife doesn't understand my CDing.

Acceptance is really the best approach.

The reason I started this thread is because Jacki's MIL brought it up and I wondered if anyone else has ever heard it from a GG.

Julie

[Julie M.]

Gaby,

A lot of what you said I've already heard from my wife or other GGs or I have deducted it from simple logic. Obviously dressing for a moment in time is nothing like living it full time. Everyone has their own perspective and I don't believe for a minute that any real woman in this world is less attractive than me when I'm dressed. There's something about the genuine article that just can't be overcome.

What I was hoping to get to the root of is the "threatening" aspect or any similar feelings that a woman may have. I know all about the fears, the what-ifs that a woman imagines. I have heard it many times. But when decades pass and none of the fears are realized and none of these what-ifs come true you begin to wonder, "Is there something else?"

When Jacki told me that I began to wonder. And since a previous girlfriend of mine made the same comment (over 30 years ago!) I had to really put some thought into it when Jacki brought it up.

I know I will never know. I'm sure our SOs have, just like us, many things they feel but can't explain why. That's why I am trying to focus on acceptance. If you know and love someone but they have some things about them that bother you, acceptance is the key to keeping the relationship alive. Trying to find the answer to each and every thing that we don't understand can lead to a lot of frustration and confusion.

Maybe Rodney King asked it best, "Why can't we just all get along?"

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Julie,

Maybe it's just me, but the confidence you are able to portray in your pictures and the make up don't seem to give the same message. Your avatar is not what I was referring to, it dose not show your face clear enough on my computer to be able to tell.

I am certainly no authority on make up, so maybe I am not so sure on what it is I am really seeing?

Like I said take it for what it's worth, maybe I am out to lunch on this one.

[Sally]

I don't believe that SO's are threatened just by the fact that their partner may be enthusiastic about getting dressed up or they themselves don't want to put the same effort into getting dressed up, I would agree that women dress more to suit the occaison, moreso than some CD's do, in tending to overdress.

I believe that most SO's feel a certain degree of being threatened by their CDing partner, maybe not so much just that he likes to wear womens clothes sometimes, but she feels more threatened by the fear of the unknown.

Most SO's will say that their greatest fear is not knowing how far he will go with it, if there was a clear dividing line then they would not feel so threatened, they wouldn't have to live with that nagging fear that there is a possibility in the future they may lose the man in their life.

I think that wives especially find it hard to come to terms with the fact that after so many years of not knowing about their hubby, they now find he is on a journey. A lot of people progress from the closet to wanting to go out dressed in public, wanting people to know about it etc and the wife finds it hard to comprehend that after so many years of not speaking up about it, he is now on a roller coaster ride and where it ends she has no idea, and that threatens her and her desired family lifestyle.

What I've experienced over the years is that the majority of wives seem to accept their hubby's CDing needs if he keeps it within the four walls and keeps it hidden from friends and family, they don't seem to be so threatened then after they have had time to adjust, but as I've said previously, it's my belief the fear of the unknown is what threatens their comfort and well being moreso than anything else.

It's also been my experience that SO's feel threatened if their CDing partner associates with TS's. I've actually lost some very good friends over the years because their wife felt threatened by them associating with me, and although I can understand why their wives didn't want them associating with me, because of the fear of people like me and if it may ' rub off ', it also hurt me because of not only having to give up a friend, but I myself know that in the mix of it all, very, very few people ever turn out to be genuine TS, even though many may explore the issue as it relates to their own personal situation.

I actually am hesitant in most cases to become involved in discussions on here because I know some SO's feel threatened by people like me and the last thing I ever want is to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but I hope that at times I can contribute a balanced view from the side of those of us who have deeper thoughts or needs than just the clothes etc.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Hmmm. Very illuminating replies. Much food for thought.

Maybe we also ought to ask ourselves if we aren't the ones who feel threatened by the thought of our SOs feeling threatened. Could this be?

Love,
CJ