Well, I'm new here, and I'm still not sure I should even be posting messages yet. I haven't told my wife that I've visited the site yet, though I will be telling her later this evening when she gets home. (That's for all you SO's out there, just so you know, okay? Please don't jump on me just yet.)
Visiting here can't be a secret. I've been reading all (and I do mean all) of the posts here for the past three days. I'm especially struck by the almost universal pain expressed by the wives and girlfriends. My heart goes out to you all. I helps me understand how my wife feels right now. (She hates my cross dressing and after a few days of intense questioning has reached what I hope will be a temporary stage where she just doesn't want to talk at all. This silence has lasted for almost three months. I've been waiting, not wanting to push the issue.) When I see the pain so many of you have been going through, I'm even more reluctant to bring the subject up. How could I hurt her even more?
I know that my cross dressing desires will not go away. It took years for me to acknowledge that within myself, and even longer to accept it. So, it's unreasonable to expect her to be able to do in three months what I couldn't do in 10 years. That said, I'm also struck by the sense of betrayal so many of you feel. You cry out for honesty. You deserve it, yes, of course. And I know I must be honest with her. But it's hard knowing how it hurts her so.
All I can say is that I have been living in a world that has been getting greyer and greyer for years. I have forgotten the feeling of joy. I am numb. It's better than feeling pain. And now I have the pain of hurting the one I love most so cruelly that I can scarcely speak of it. If honesty hurts her so, then how can I do that to her? I know I can't, but I wish I could go back into the closet. Better to take the pain on myself. And if I must go to my grave regretting that I could not live the life I wished for, well I'm not the first. I'm an expert on going numb.
I'm wandering. Forgive me. My point is this, if your husband or boyfriend is less than freely forthcoming, there are a hundred reasons why that may be so. I know it may be small comfort, but take it from one who knows: not all of them are selfish ones.
love,
Hurting the one you love
Moderators: KimberlyS, Eileen (SO)
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Jessica_Karen
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 3:34 pm
- Location: Vancouver Island, Canada
- Contact:
Hurting the one you love
karen
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Karen.
My heart goes out to you. Having read a lot of what my sisters here have been dealing with, you know that you have taken the easier of the two roads. "Getting caught" is a far worse fate than "coming out" to your SO.
She will probalby never understand the difference and at this juncture it is a mute point anyway. As I am sure you have read, do not force the issue, if and when she is ready to talk or ask questions she will. I can only assume that you are continuing in your CD'ing. As you said and seem to realize this is part of you and it ain't gonna go away. You need to continue doing whatever you are comfortable doing. Keep the door open for any communication and as we say. "small steps girl, small steps."
Deborah
My heart goes out to you. Having read a lot of what my sisters here have been dealing with, you know that you have taken the easier of the two roads. "Getting caught" is a far worse fate than "coming out" to your SO.
She will probalby never understand the difference and at this juncture it is a mute point anyway. As I am sure you have read, do not force the issue, if and when she is ready to talk or ask questions she will. I can only assume that you are continuing in your CD'ing. As you said and seem to realize this is part of you and it ain't gonna go away. You need to continue doing whatever you are comfortable doing. Keep the door open for any communication and as we say. "small steps girl, small steps."
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Kay(SO)
- E-mail address not valid - Contact Admin
- Posts: 294
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 9:03 am
- Location: North Carolina
Jessica Karen,
I felt moved by your post because it shows how deeply you care for your SO. I just wanted to say one thing regarding what you wrote:
I'm also struck by the sense of betrayal so many of you feel. You cry out for honesty. You deserve it, yes, of course. And I know I must be honest with her. But it's hard knowing how it hurts her so.
As an SO, I can tell you that the betrayal and secrecy once discovered is much more painful than the honesty.
Eventually, the honesty that is shared will be dealt with in some manner or another.
The betrayal and damage to trust can take a lifetime to heal.
Kay(SO)
I felt moved by your post because it shows how deeply you care for your SO. I just wanted to say one thing regarding what you wrote:
I'm also struck by the sense of betrayal so many of you feel. You cry out for honesty. You deserve it, yes, of course. And I know I must be honest with her. But it's hard knowing how it hurts her so.
As an SO, I can tell you that the betrayal and secrecy once discovered is much more painful than the honesty.
Eventually, the honesty that is shared will be dealt with in some manner or another.
The betrayal and damage to trust can take a lifetime to heal.
Kay(SO)
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Marda
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 553
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:09 pm
- Location: Vancouver Canada
Trust
*Nothing Important Here - Just Ramblings*
[[ Yes to the issue of "Trust" being very important
I Lost Trust in the Workplace & Personal Relationships
Yes to the point on "Betrayal"
(As an aside - Now *imagine* what a child, sexually abused by a "religous figurehead", feels about trust - "If you can't *trust* the *Holy XYZ*, Who then can you trust?")
*Often* I wonder if I will *ever* be able to relax my guard and "trust" another human being in a personal relationship
For years now, my reaction to anyone new who extends an "apparently" open hand or a kind word is "Nobody means anything nice or honest ... What's the scam here?"
Animals, wild or domestic are trustworthy - even if only to be "(un)predictable" - ie. you can trust a poisonous snake to "strike at you" according to it's instincts ]]
/Marda
[[ Yes to the issue of "Trust" being very important
I Lost Trust in the Workplace & Personal Relationships
Yes to the point on "Betrayal"
(As an aside - Now *imagine* what a child, sexually abused by a "religous figurehead", feels about trust - "If you can't *trust* the *Holy XYZ*, Who then can you trust?")
*Often* I wonder if I will *ever* be able to relax my guard and "trust" another human being in a personal relationship
For years now, my reaction to anyone new who extends an "apparently" open hand or a kind word is "Nobody means anything nice or honest ... What's the scam here?"
Animals, wild or domestic are trustworthy - even if only to be "(un)predictable" - ie. you can trust a poisonous snake to "strike at you" according to it's instincts ]]
/Marda
Last edited by Marda on Wed Aug 04, 2004 8:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.
~ Some drink at the fountain of knowledge - Others just gargle ~
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Jassmine(SO)
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 626
- Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2004 10:13 am
- Location: Irving
Hi Jessica_Karen,
I am very happy that you have posted here. It is always beneficial to "get things off one's chest" so to speak.
Please, don't beat yourself up for being honest, I know it has caused your SO problems, but those problems are her's to work through. What is important is that you love and respect her enough to have told her. Unfortunately, she has closed off the line of communication. I feel that she is very confused and afraid right now, so she has built a wall around herself. It will take much patience and understanding on your part to help her tear down that wall and open up that ever so vital line of communication. One of the best ways to open a dialog in a situation like this is to use "I" statments, for example, "I feel bad that you are feeling bad, what can I do to help?"
Ok, I am going to be brutally honest, I am sorry if I offend anyone, I do not wish to. First, you cannot take responsibility for anothers feelings, period. You can only take responsibility for your own. I feel that some of the SOs here who are having serious issues with their mate's CDing, need to look within themselves to find the root cause of their problems with it. They SHOUL NOT blame their problems with it on their mate. It is not fair to either person. I posted elsewhere that I feel that far too many people get involved in relationships for the wrong reasons.I have made this mistake. This may explain the high divorce rate. If one hasn't taken the time to get to know oneself, accept who they are, and find peace within themselves, how can they know what they need and want in another?
You did the right thing by being honest with her.
Now that she knows one of two things will happen, either she will take the steps needed to, learn about herself, and find acceptance for herself , research and try to gain a better understanding of CDing, and by doing so, accept you as you are; or she or you will have to chose to move on.
I wish you both the very best of luck and a world of happiness together.
*Hugs*
I am very happy that you have posted here. It is always beneficial to "get things off one's chest" so to speak.
Please, don't beat yourself up for being honest, I know it has caused your SO problems, but those problems are her's to work through. What is important is that you love and respect her enough to have told her. Unfortunately, she has closed off the line of communication. I feel that she is very confused and afraid right now, so she has built a wall around herself. It will take much patience and understanding on your part to help her tear down that wall and open up that ever so vital line of communication. One of the best ways to open a dialog in a situation like this is to use "I" statments, for example, "I feel bad that you are feeling bad, what can I do to help?"
Ok, I am going to be brutally honest, I am sorry if I offend anyone, I do not wish to. First, you cannot take responsibility for anothers feelings, period. You can only take responsibility for your own. I feel that some of the SOs here who are having serious issues with their mate's CDing, need to look within themselves to find the root cause of their problems with it. They SHOUL NOT blame their problems with it on their mate. It is not fair to either person. I posted elsewhere that I feel that far too many people get involved in relationships for the wrong reasons.I have made this mistake. This may explain the high divorce rate. If one hasn't taken the time to get to know oneself, accept who they are, and find peace within themselves, how can they know what they need and want in another?
You did the right thing by being honest with her.
Now that she knows one of two things will happen, either she will take the steps needed to, learn about herself, and find acceptance for herself , research and try to gain a better understanding of CDing, and by doing so, accept you as you are; or she or you will have to chose to move on. I wish you both the very best of luck and a world of happiness together.
*Hugs*
Blessings Eternal, Jassmine
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
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Honey(SO)
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 126
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 11:10 am
- Location: Nebraska
- Contact:
I can understand your wives feelings and yours too. It is a very confusing time .
When I first found out about my husband about 8 years ago, I walked into our bedroom and found him in my clothing. We NEVER talked about it, either of us. He did not try and explain himself and I was so shocked by the whole thing that it was easier to just ignore it and maybe it will go away. Over the years it would come up again once in a while. I never saw the dressing again, but could usually sense when he was in a dressing phase. Again nothing ever said. I would not say it hurt our marriage because we had plenty of other positive aspects that we concentrated on.
Finially this past January my husband told me the whole story and that he had only just learned to accept himself for what he was, this by educating himself via the internet with groups like this and personal CD websites.
Him telling me this made me want to educate myself too since I knew he could not stop. I had to decide if I could live with this for the rest of ourlives or what. He did tell me that if I chose not to accept it that he would try hard to stop and never bring it up again. Well how can you shove the person you love back into the closet again. I searched for all the info I could find and we started talking about it, with me mostly asking questions or starting the conversations. Once he relized I was starting to open up he felt more at ease talking about it.
Education and communication are so important. Can it be that your wife just does not know what it all means? The only thing I knew 7 months ago about CD was Gay Drag Queens and what I had seen in the movies.
We live in the midwest and this kind of stuff just does not come up.
Perhaps if she understands better and that this is not just a sexual kink and it part of who you are she will be able to open up a bit more.
You probably will get no where ignoring it and the longer you wait the worse it will become. Right now your wife's immigination is probably makeing her crazy wondering why you do this and what you want from her.
I know you cannot force her to understand, but don't waste precious time in your relationship. My husband wrote me a very long letter explaining his feelings, how he started and what he hoped would happen, writing it cuts down the emotional aspect of it. I still have that first letter and sometimes read it.
I would be happy to talk to your wife if it would help her.
Honey
When I first found out about my husband about 8 years ago, I walked into our bedroom and found him in my clothing. We NEVER talked about it, either of us. He did not try and explain himself and I was so shocked by the whole thing that it was easier to just ignore it and maybe it will go away. Over the years it would come up again once in a while. I never saw the dressing again, but could usually sense when he was in a dressing phase. Again nothing ever said. I would not say it hurt our marriage because we had plenty of other positive aspects that we concentrated on.
Finially this past January my husband told me the whole story and that he had only just learned to accept himself for what he was, this by educating himself via the internet with groups like this and personal CD websites.
Him telling me this made me want to educate myself too since I knew he could not stop. I had to decide if I could live with this for the rest of ourlives or what. He did tell me that if I chose not to accept it that he would try hard to stop and never bring it up again. Well how can you shove the person you love back into the closet again. I searched for all the info I could find and we started talking about it, with me mostly asking questions or starting the conversations. Once he relized I was starting to open up he felt more at ease talking about it.
Education and communication are so important. Can it be that your wife just does not know what it all means? The only thing I knew 7 months ago about CD was Gay Drag Queens and what I had seen in the movies.
We live in the midwest and this kind of stuff just does not come up.
Perhaps if she understands better and that this is not just a sexual kink and it part of who you are she will be able to open up a bit more.
You probably will get no where ignoring it and the longer you wait the worse it will become. Right now your wife's immigination is probably makeing her crazy wondering why you do this and what you want from her.
I know you cannot force her to understand, but don't waste precious time in your relationship. My husband wrote me a very long letter explaining his feelings, how he started and what he hoped would happen, writing it cuts down the emotional aspect of it. I still have that first letter and sometimes read it.
I would be happy to talk to your wife if it would help her.
Honey
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Jessica_Karen
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 3:34 pm
- Location: Vancouver Island, Canada
- Contact:
Thank you all for your heartfelt and thoughtful replies. For now, I guess I'm the only one who is going to be using this forum. She has no interest in "talking with anonymous strangers," and she is surprised that I would. Well, when there is nowhere else to turn, what else is there? I've been looking for some sort of support group in the local area, but can't find one. (Local bi-sexual and gay groups, yes, but nothing for someone like me, or for couples in our situation.) In the meantime, we have begun counselling--the marriage has been under strain for a long time, and we're just beginning to try to rebuild. This complicating factor doesn't help.
What I started out to say, though, is that even though I think it might help her to visit this forum...even if it's just to read some of the posts, I don't think it's going to happen. (So, thank you, Honey, for your kind offer to talk with her, but she's not ready yet. I don't know if she ever will be.)
What I'm finding really frustrating right now is her clinging to the hope that somehow I can be "fixed" or "cured"...that this will all go away if only I can get some help. Well, I had "help" back when I was a teenager...I saw a psychiatrist once a month for several years. The whole process I found embarrassing and degrading. I finally gave up when I moved away from home. It took me several more years to realize that the "disease" was self-loathing, not cross-dressing. The "cure" was acceptance. (I'm cured.) I've tried to tell her this as gently as possible, but she clings to an impossible hope. I can't blame her for that, but eventually she will be disappointed.
It seems so unfair that she should have to be the one who does all the adjusting. I worry that I ask too much of her. To make matters worse--at least for me--and I haven't told her this--since coming out to her, I'm finding my need to dress stronger than ever. I haven't been, but I don't know how long I can deny it, and I don't know where it might lead if I give in. (Back to secrecy, guilt and self-loathing again? I can't do that to her, but it's either that or ask even more of her when she's uncomfortable with just knowing about me.) I don't even know who I am any more. I thought I got over this stuff back when I was in my teens--before the trees in the petrified forest lost their leaves. If I don't know who I am, how I tell her?
None of this is easy, and I don't see it getting any easier. If I'm honest, I have to admit that I can see many here are struggling, too, but I look at where some couples are at and can only sigh in envy. I guess it's an unfair, and maybe even an impossible question, but I'll ask anyway: is it possible, ever, for both partners to be happy in a relationship such as ours? For the life of me, here at the bottom of the mountain, I can't see how.
love,
What I started out to say, though, is that even though I think it might help her to visit this forum...even if it's just to read some of the posts, I don't think it's going to happen. (So, thank you, Honey, for your kind offer to talk with her, but she's not ready yet. I don't know if she ever will be.)
What I'm finding really frustrating right now is her clinging to the hope that somehow I can be "fixed" or "cured"...that this will all go away if only I can get some help. Well, I had "help" back when I was a teenager...I saw a psychiatrist once a month for several years. The whole process I found embarrassing and degrading. I finally gave up when I moved away from home. It took me several more years to realize that the "disease" was self-loathing, not cross-dressing. The "cure" was acceptance. (I'm cured.) I've tried to tell her this as gently as possible, but she clings to an impossible hope. I can't blame her for that, but eventually she will be disappointed.
It seems so unfair that she should have to be the one who does all the adjusting. I worry that I ask too much of her. To make matters worse--at least for me--and I haven't told her this--since coming out to her, I'm finding my need to dress stronger than ever. I haven't been, but I don't know how long I can deny it, and I don't know where it might lead if I give in. (Back to secrecy, guilt and self-loathing again? I can't do that to her, but it's either that or ask even more of her when she's uncomfortable with just knowing about me.) I don't even know who I am any more. I thought I got over this stuff back when I was in my teens--before the trees in the petrified forest lost their leaves. If I don't know who I am, how I tell her?
None of this is easy, and I don't see it getting any easier. If I'm honest, I have to admit that I can see many here are struggling, too, but I look at where some couples are at and can only sigh in envy. I guess it's an unfair, and maybe even an impossible question, but I'll ask anyway: is it possible, ever, for both partners to be happy in a relationship such as ours? For the life of me, here at the bottom of the mountain, I can't see how.
love,
karen
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
These words bear listening to they are the root cause of many peoples problems.Jassmine stated; OK, I am going to be brutally honest, I am sorry if I offend anyone, I do not wish to. First, you cannot take responsibility for another's feelings, period. You can only take responsibility for your own. If one hasn't taken the time to get to know oneself, accept who they are, and find peace within themselves, how can they know what they need and want in another?
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Jassmine(SO)
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 626
- Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2004 10:13 am
- Location: Irving
Hi Jessica_Karen
It is what this group is here for. As to your wife's comment about "talking with anonymous strangers," I can see her point of view to the extent that I am a VERY private person and I am not one to post things of a personal nature about myself. BUT, yes a big but, if by my being open and honest about myself, and my view points can help others along their journey, I do so gladly. There is also something to be said about the fact that it is easier to talk to a stranger. After all there is no emotional invesment or attachment there. You ask what else is there? Well, seeking out others who can relate to and understand some of what you are going through, is always helpful. And you have done that by joining this forum. It takes a wise person to realize they need a helping hand and it takes courage to seek it out. I am sorry to hear that your marriage has been under some stress. Counseling is a great way to talk about and work through all the issues that have been causing promblems for you both. But for counseling to work BOTH people must work at resolving the problems in the relationship.
Ah, you are a very wise soul. Self acceptance is truely the key to happiness. Sigh....And I have to agree with you. If she keeps thinking that you can be changed or that she can change you, she will indeed be dissapointed. Hopefully through the counseling she will begin to realize that you are who you are, and she is who she is, and neither one of you can change the other.
Ah, you are most welcomeJessica_Karen wrote:Thank you all for your heartfelt and thoughtful replies. For now, I guess I'm the only one who is going to be using this forum. She has no interest in "talking with anonymous strangers," and she is surprised that I would. Well, when there is nowhere else to turn, what else is there? I've been looking for some sort of support group in the local area, but can't find one. (Local bi-sexual and gay groups, yes, but nothing for someone like me, or for couples in our situation.) In the meantime, we have begun counselling--the marriage has been under strain for a long time, and we're just beginning to try to rebuild. This complicating factor doesn't help.
It is what this group is here for. As to your wife's comment about "talking with anonymous strangers," I can see her point of view to the extent that I am a VERY private person and I am not one to post things of a personal nature about myself. BUT, yes a big but, if by my being open and honest about myself, and my view points can help others along their journey, I do so gladly. There is also something to be said about the fact that it is easier to talk to a stranger. After all there is no emotional invesment or attachment there. You ask what else is there? Well, seeking out others who can relate to and understand some of what you are going through, is always helpful. And you have done that by joining this forum. It takes a wise person to realize they need a helping hand and it takes courage to seek it out. I am sorry to hear that your marriage has been under some stress. Counseling is a great way to talk about and work through all the issues that have been causing promblems for you both. But for counseling to work BOTH people must work at resolving the problems in the relationship. What I'm finding really frustrating right now is her clinging to the hope that somehow I can be "fixed" or "cured"...that this will all go away if only I can get some help. Well, I had "help" back when I was a teenager...I saw a psychiatrist once a month for several years. The whole process I found embarrassing and degrading. I finally gave up when I moved away from home. It took me several more years to realize that the "disease" was self-loathing, not cross-dressing. The "cure" was acceptance. (I'm cured.) I've tried to tell her this as gently as possible, but she clings to an impossible hope. I can't blame her for that, but eventually she will be disappointed.
Ah, you are a very wise soul. Self acceptance is truely the key to happiness. Sigh....And I have to agree with you. If she keeps thinking that you can be changed or that she can change you, she will indeed be dissapointed. Hopefully through the counseling she will begin to realize that you are who you are, and she is who she is, and neither one of you can change the other.
Ok, it may seem like she is the only one doing the adjusting, but you have your own adjusting to do as well. So this is not as one sided as you feel it may be. One thing to bear in mind is that in relationships nothing is ever one sided, or black and white. Ummm.....PLEASE DON"T do that to yourself. Again I must be brutally honest here, YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! She needs to take responsibility for her emotions and take care of herself. I sense that you are blaming yourself for what she is going through, you shouldn't. She is having these problems because of core issues she has. Only she can resolve these issues. You say that at one point in your life you knew who you are. Well my friend, I think you still do, I think that you have just lost touch with yourself. Take a little time and rediscover yourself.It seems so unfair that she should have to be the one who does all the adjusting. I worry that I ask too much of her. To make matters worse--at least for me--and I haven't told her this--since coming out to her, I'm finding my need to dress stronger than ever. I haven't been, but I don't know how long I can deny it, and I don't know where it might lead if I give in. (Back to secrecy, guilt and self-loathing again? I can't do that to her, but it's either that or ask even more of her when she's uncomfortable with just knowing about me.) I don't even know who I am any more. I thought I got over this stuff back when I was in my teens--before the trees in the petrified forest lost their leaves. If I don't know who I am, how I tell her?
I know it isn't. *HUGS* The answer to your question is yes, it is possible, but only if she can work through and resolve her issues with your CDing. I sense though that is not the only hurdle you two are facing. It will take work on both sides to strengthen this relationship's foundation, and patience and understanding from both parties, to slowly rebuild. After all nothing is impossible.None of this is easy, and I don't see it getting any easier. If I'm honest, I have to admit that I can see many here are struggling, too, but I look at where some couples are at and can only sigh in envy. I guess it's an unfair, and maybe even an impossible question, but I'll ask anyway: is it possible, ever, for both partners to be happy in a relationship such as ours? For the life of me, here at the bottom of the mountain, I can't see how.
Much love and hugslove,
Blessings Eternal, Jassmine
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
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Jessica_Karen
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 3:34 pm
- Location: Vancouver Island, Canada
- Contact:
Again, thank you all for your thoughtful and caring replies. (Especially to Jassmine and Honey...Ladies! Don't you have anything better to do than listen to me whine?...just kidding...Thank you so much for your generosity, wisdom and comfort.) To all, please know that just having someone out there to talk to helps.
It's a long hike up the mountain, as our counsellor pointed out the other day. Who knows what we may see once the view changes?
Thank you again.
Love,
It's a long hike up the mountain, as our counsellor pointed out the other day. Who knows what we may see once the view changes?
Thank you again.
Love,
karen
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Jassmine(SO)
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 626
- Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2004 10:13 am
- Location: Irving
Hi Jessica_Karen,
It is my pleasure Ummmm.....As a mater of fact I don't 
...LOL ##oo##
Alaways here if you need me.
I wish you both the best of luck and brightest blessings.
*Hugs*
It is my pleasure
Ummmm.....As a mater of fact I don't ...LOL ##oo## Alaways here if you need me.it's a long hike up the mountain, as our counsellor pointed out the other day. Who knows what we may see once the view changes?
I wish you both the best of luck and brightest blessings.
*Hugs*
Blessings Eternal, Jassmine
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
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Kay(SO)
- E-mail address not valid - Contact Admin
- Posts: 294
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 9:03 am
- Location: North Carolina
Jessica Karen,
Don't feel too distraught over this: What I'm finding really frustrating right now is her clinging to the hope that somehow I can be "fixed" or "cured".
It's just denial which is a defense mechanism and your wife's way of protecting herself emotionally and mentally. If you are in counseling, she'll eventually move past the denial and at least to a place of understanding that it's here to stay. Just remember that we all our on our own path and she may need time. Who knows how much...
Do not dispair. There is hope and that's what you have to hang onto. She's still there. She loves you. And if she's open to get outside help such as counseling, you're one step closer to getting to where you would like to be.
I admire your sensitivity to your wife's feelings and the care you express for her. Just keep that, don't push her, try to find patience even when it seems to run out, never minimize her feelings and show her you respect her and over time she may be able to grow a little bit toward acceptance.
Hold on to that for now. Oh and it makes perfect sense that you would want to dress more now. You are sitting between the freedom of letting it out to her and the stress of how she has reacted. No wonder!
As for finding a group near you, I may be able to help. Where exactly are you? I have alot of resources and can at least try to find the nearest group to you.
Kay(SO)
Don't feel too distraught over this: What I'm finding really frustrating right now is her clinging to the hope that somehow I can be "fixed" or "cured".
It's just denial which is a defense mechanism and your wife's way of protecting herself emotionally and mentally. If you are in counseling, she'll eventually move past the denial and at least to a place of understanding that it's here to stay. Just remember that we all our on our own path and she may need time. Who knows how much...
Do not dispair. There is hope and that's what you have to hang onto. She's still there. She loves you. And if she's open to get outside help such as counseling, you're one step closer to getting to where you would like to be.
I admire your sensitivity to your wife's feelings and the care you express for her. Just keep that, don't push her, try to find patience even when it seems to run out, never minimize her feelings and show her you respect her and over time she may be able to grow a little bit toward acceptance.
Hold on to that for now. Oh and it makes perfect sense that you would want to dress more now. You are sitting between the freedom of letting it out to her and the stress of how she has reacted. No wonder!
As for finding a group near you, I may be able to help. Where exactly are you? I have alot of resources and can at least try to find the nearest group to you.
Kay(SO)
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Jessica_Karen
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 3:34 pm
- Location: Vancouver Island, Canada
- Contact:
Thanks, Kay. I've written you a personal message in response. In the meantime, perhaps I could just throw one question out to the group in a general way: I'm being told to be patient, that perhaps in time she will come to be more accepting. I'm being told not to pressure her too much, to be considerate of her feelings. I'm trying.
But...you knew there was a "but" coming...(and this is the dumb male in me talking, not Karen) is "silence" on my part synonymous with "patience?" How do I let her know that I am not okay without pressuring her? I think I know the answer, but I'd like to tap into the wisdom and generosity so many here seem to be willing to share, just one more time before I go bumbling ahead.
But...you knew there was a "but" coming...(and this is the dumb male in me talking, not Karen) is "silence" on my part synonymous with "patience?" How do I let her know that I am not okay without pressuring her? I think I know the answer, but I'd like to tap into the wisdom and generosity so many here seem to be willing to share, just one more time before I go bumbling ahead.
karen
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Honey(SO)
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 126
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 11:10 am
- Location: Nebraska
- Contact:
Hi Karen,
my answer to your question is NO. silence and patience are not the same. Silence will get you no where, communication is very important.
Once you tell her after she gets over the surprise of it all, she will have lots of questions. Then comes the communication siting down and talking about what you want and she can accept. These two are not the same either, you will want to dress the way you have always dreamed of, now comes the patience part. She will need time to adjust to each step you take, maybe at first she will agree to panties all the time or at least during the day, then talk about the next step, it will probably take a while before she will be ready or willing to see the whole deal.
Remember you have had your whole life to live with this and come to an acceptance of yourself. You are just not going to know how fast these steps will be untill you tell her and talk about it. I once told my husband about a month after he told me, If you want me to become accepting of this then I need small steps forward. He kinda let me run it from there and I would let him know- ok I am ready for this or lets try the bra and forms and see how it goes.
We made forward steps but it was not untill about 6 months after I found out that I saw 'her' in full dress, makeup, wig and all. It was more of a time thing for us since we have kids at home. We ended up actually going out of town to have time to do this.
Hope it goes good for you, but try not to over do your expectations for imediate results.
Honey
my answer to your question is NO. silence and patience are not the same. Silence will get you no where, communication is very important.
Once you tell her after she gets over the surprise of it all, she will have lots of questions. Then comes the communication siting down and talking about what you want and she can accept. These two are not the same either, you will want to dress the way you have always dreamed of, now comes the patience part. She will need time to adjust to each step you take, maybe at first she will agree to panties all the time or at least during the day, then talk about the next step, it will probably take a while before she will be ready or willing to see the whole deal.
Remember you have had your whole life to live with this and come to an acceptance of yourself. You are just not going to know how fast these steps will be untill you tell her and talk about it. I once told my husband about a month after he told me, If you want me to become accepting of this then I need small steps forward. He kinda let me run it from there and I would let him know- ok I am ready for this or lets try the bra and forms and see how it goes.
We made forward steps but it was not untill about 6 months after I found out that I saw 'her' in full dress, makeup, wig and all. It was more of a time thing for us since we have kids at home. We ended up actually going out of town to have time to do this.
Hope it goes good for you, but try not to over do your expectations for imediate results.
Honey