My wife, who as you know seems to accept my crossdressing, but does not want to meet Deborah, came home from work today and I was upstairs. She yelled up "Are you decent?" I was, as I had just gotten home and taken a shower, my response was "Of course!" Later I asked her what she expected and why she had asked that. It did lead to a bit of discussion about not wanting to come home and come face to face with Deborah. I assured her that that was not going to happen as she had requested such. She did mention that my wearing a bit of mascara concerned her in that she could tell when I had it on because my eyes looked so nice. I asked her how far I could go in 'dressing" and she said the mascara was far enough. I asked her if she had any imagination of what I looked like dressed and she would not answer, just that she did not want to see me dressed. Personally, she is no dummy and she has seen pictures of my mother who was absolutely beautiful. I think she knows I look great and it intimidates her. She has seen "Deborah's Closet" and has said I have expensive tastes.
Bottom line, small step, don't force it, small steps.
Love,
Deborah
Am I decent?
Moderators: KimberlyS, Eileen (SO)
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Virginia
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Am I decent?
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Beauty
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Your patience is INCREDIBLE. I think your story shows that attitudes can change if you are patient.-
Honey(SO)
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Deborah, do you think she will be open to a photo of you?? This is the first way i saw my husband, it was much easier to look at them alone and know if I was shocked or turned off by what I saw that I would not hurt his feelings by what I saw. I was actually relieved by what I saw, you know the imigination plays mean tricks on you.. When I finially saw him dressed in full it was fine and I could only have the look of love for my husband and did not have to pretend that I liked what I saw.
Honey
Honey
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Virginia
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Honey, I should not wash my "dirty laundry" in public, but we/I asked about the SCC in Atlanta again and if she was sure it was all right if I went? She said it was but to "not bring back any pictures of me." She is seeing two counselors one by herself and the other we are seeing as a couple. She says she has some real issues with her job and that my crossdressing is no longer an issue and hasn't been for months. Just as long as she does not have to meet Deborah. Unfortunately, she is developing some other problems and I am really becoming concerned about her.
As always, thanks for caring,
Love,
Deborah
As always, thanks for caring,
Love,
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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SophieLawson
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Jassmine(SO)
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Hi Deborah,
*Hugs & Love*
Sigh....I have to wonder, if your CDing is no longer an issue for her, why she won't accept Deborah. It seems to me, in my opinion, that she is not being completely honest with you or herself. She might be living in denial, which may be what is triggering these other isssues. I am very glad to hear that she is getting help. I wish you and your SO the very best of luck and the brightest blessings.Deborah wrote:Honey, I should not wash my "dirty laundry" in public, but we/I asked about the SCC in Atlanta again and if she was sure it was all right if I went? She said it was but to "not bring back any pictures of me." She is seeing two counselors one by herself and the other we are seeing as a couple. She says she has some real issues with her job and that my crossdressing is no longer an issue and hasn't been for months. Just as long as she does not have to meet Deborah. Unfortunately, she is developing some other problems and I am really becoming concerned about her.
As always, thanks for caring,
Love,
Deborah
*Hugs & Love*
Blessings Eternal, Jassmine
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
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Gelinda
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Deb< what about having a picture or two left in the floor by the bed or someone that had fallen out of a drawer or something. Might help get past this point. Gee.
* * Email address not current as of 05-05-2009. Please contact SilverLady(SO) immediately! See http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=9237 for further information. Thank You!! * *
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Rebecca
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Hi Deborah,
In my book you are more than decent !
When you go to counseling together, are you able to talk about gender issues openly? In this enviroment any problems should become apparent pretty quickly.
Your patience is admirable and necessary, I think.
When I first got together with ~D~, CDing was a part of our lives for a few months, but she hadn't really questioned it and then panicked. For 4 years I couldn't even discuss it while she slowly worked it out. She always said she knew it was part of me and wouldn't go away. Now, she is quite happy with it, we treat it like having a day out. "oh, Rebecca will be with us tomorrow, fine"
I truly hope that things run smooth for both of you
Love
Rebecca xxx
In my book you are more than decent !
When you go to counseling together, are you able to talk about gender issues openly? In this enviroment any problems should become apparent pretty quickly.
Your patience is admirable and necessary, I think.
When I first got together with ~D~, CDing was a part of our lives for a few months, but she hadn't really questioned it and then panicked. For 4 years I couldn't even discuss it while she slowly worked it out. She always said she knew it was part of me and wouldn't go away. Now, she is quite happy with it, we treat it like having a day out. "oh, Rebecca will be with us tomorrow, fine"
I truly hope that things run smooth for both of you
Love
Rebecca xxx
Be good, Be safe, Be happy.
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
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Thanks, girls for your concern. My crossdressing just does not come up any more and hasn't for the past what? four or five sessions. She just keeps reiterating that she does not want to meet Deborah. I have asked her what troubles her about that and she really can't give me an answer so I don't push it AT ALL!!! In fact last night she said she told "our" family therapist that we would not be coming back for a while. Seems he said he would like to do some hyponosis work on her and she told her therapist and well it got kinda ugly at that point something about infringement on existing therapy. Seems her therapist like the "music therapy" and the "tuning forks on the feet" approach ( sorry, did I hear a duck!? no guess it was just thunder?) Anyway, when opportunites present themselves I will raise issues 'small steps girls, small steps!"
Love ya all!
Deborah
Love ya all!
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Kay(SO)
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Deborah,
As always, I have a different opinion or perspective that I need to toss into the ring. I didn't hear you say that CDing was no longer an issue for her at all. What I heard you say was that due to work and other issues, it's not a priority right now. She obviously still has issues about it since she doesn't want to see you dressed.
I apologize ahead of time but my buttons get pushed when it's insinuated that your wife is in denial or that something is wrong with her since she doesn't want to deal with or see "Deborah." Why does that mean that somethings missing or defective in her or that she "obviously" needs help? Why can't it just be that some SO's just don't choose to, want to or are able to handle CDing as a part of their personal space or world. Does that make her bad, sick or in denial? I think not. Perhaps she's healthy enough to know what she wants and doesn't want when it comes to CDing. Setting the limits she has is a way of protecting herself mentally and emotionally, knowing that it's something she may not be able to handle or it's her way of saying she doesn't WANT to handle it. Why is this a problem? Why is it not okay for an SO to feel this way?
I can't stand it when this issue is treated this way because it's like saying she doesn't have a right to her feelings. And I'm not pointing the finger at you personally. It's just that this happens all the time in CD support groups and makes me nuts. Why can't we just let people feel how they feel? Okay, I'm done spouting off. I do understand that her lack of support affects you in a negative way and for that I do feel compassion. I know how rough my own husband would have it, were I not supportive. All I'm saying is, let her be. Allow her to be where she's at and why try so hard to convince her to change her feelings or mind? If it's meant to be then it will. If I were you I would focus more on how to live with it if that day never comes when she embraces Deborah. That's a reality that may not be pretty but exists all the same and I say, it's OKAY. It's not the end of the world. When you look at the big picture it is not the make or break all in a relationship.
Kay(SO)
As always, I have a different opinion or perspective that I need to toss into the ring. I didn't hear you say that CDing was no longer an issue for her at all. What I heard you say was that due to work and other issues, it's not a priority right now. She obviously still has issues about it since she doesn't want to see you dressed.
I apologize ahead of time but my buttons get pushed when it's insinuated that your wife is in denial or that something is wrong with her since she doesn't want to deal with or see "Deborah." Why does that mean that somethings missing or defective in her or that she "obviously" needs help? Why can't it just be that some SO's just don't choose to, want to or are able to handle CDing as a part of their personal space or world. Does that make her bad, sick or in denial? I think not. Perhaps she's healthy enough to know what she wants and doesn't want when it comes to CDing. Setting the limits she has is a way of protecting herself mentally and emotionally, knowing that it's something she may not be able to handle or it's her way of saying she doesn't WANT to handle it. Why is this a problem? Why is it not okay for an SO to feel this way?
I can't stand it when this issue is treated this way because it's like saying she doesn't have a right to her feelings. And I'm not pointing the finger at you personally. It's just that this happens all the time in CD support groups and makes me nuts. Why can't we just let people feel how they feel? Okay, I'm done spouting off. I do understand that her lack of support affects you in a negative way and for that I do feel compassion. I know how rough my own husband would have it, were I not supportive. All I'm saying is, let her be. Allow her to be where she's at and why try so hard to convince her to change her feelings or mind? If it's meant to be then it will. If I were you I would focus more on how to live with it if that day never comes when she embraces Deborah. That's a reality that may not be pretty but exists all the same and I say, it's OKAY. It's not the end of the world. When you look at the big picture it is not the make or break all in a relationship.
Kay(SO)
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Rebecca
- Miss Platinum Goddess
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Hi all,
An interesting point was raised by Kay about maybe that things may not change, and learn to live as though they won't change.
When I got togther with ~D~, I needed someone who could share Rebecca with me, and ~D~ was fine with this for a while. We got very close, and when she panicked, told me I was not to dress at all. This put a massive rift between us, I felt incomplete, lonely and so did ~D~. She told me not to talk about it, do it, or even hint at it.
That would have been a good time to leave her, but we were getting closer all the time in every other way and this 'taboo' subject became a wall between us.
I'd cry quietly to myself about it, never mention it and feel misplaced. There are many times I thought that I was with the wrong person, but deep down I knew we were right for each other and that I had to see this through.
I am so pleased I did.
I can see what Kay is saying, but I suppose it all depends on the relationship. ~D~ would have been devastated if I had spent hours in the bedroom on my own dressed, the fact that she ordered me not to was a sign that she wanted us to be open and honest, and that she was scared. Maybe also, as her own self-esteem was low at the time, she needed control over me.
Not ideal, but we survived and we are all the stronger for it.
That's the reason I say that patience is admirable, though it can hurt.
This is just my own experience and all relationships have their own character.
It would be silly for one person to simply copy another's advice, but all of us together might help widen the horizon and paint a bigger picture
Love to all
rebecca and ~D~ xxx
An interesting point was raised by Kay about maybe that things may not change, and learn to live as though they won't change.
When I got togther with ~D~, I needed someone who could share Rebecca with me, and ~D~ was fine with this for a while. We got very close, and when she panicked, told me I was not to dress at all. This put a massive rift between us, I felt incomplete, lonely and so did ~D~. She told me not to talk about it, do it, or even hint at it.
That would have been a good time to leave her, but we were getting closer all the time in every other way and this 'taboo' subject became a wall between us.
I'd cry quietly to myself about it, never mention it and feel misplaced. There are many times I thought that I was with the wrong person, but deep down I knew we were right for each other and that I had to see this through.
I am so pleased I did.
I can see what Kay is saying, but I suppose it all depends on the relationship. ~D~ would have been devastated if I had spent hours in the bedroom on my own dressed, the fact that she ordered me not to was a sign that she wanted us to be open and honest, and that she was scared. Maybe also, as her own self-esteem was low at the time, she needed control over me.
Not ideal, but we survived and we are all the stronger for it.
That's the reason I say that patience is admirable, though it can hurt.
This is just my own experience and all relationships have their own character.
It would be silly for one person to simply copy another's advice, but all of us together might help widen the horizon and paint a bigger picture
Love to all
rebecca and ~D~ xxx
Be good, Be safe, Be happy.
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
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- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
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Girls, Girls, I am sorry for, well I guess its my fault since I started this fiasco! I only wanted to make a point that it is all about "small steps." I guess sometimes those steps come to an abrupt halt for some of us.
I did PM, Kay as I need to know where to go with this now. I am convienced that my SO needs to see a different counselor, one that does not use misic therapy and tuning forks on her feet?!!!
I will also accept responsibility for maybe not understatnding that my wife is in denial, but the girl can not tell a lie it is just not in her and I have to take her at her word when she says that my CD'ing is not an issue as long as she does not have to see, meet or deal with Deborah. She is always reading the want ads as she is just not happy with her job and the folks she has to deal with.
Again, I apologize for any incongruities that I caused it was not my intention.
Love you all,
Deborah
I did PM, Kay as I need to know where to go with this now. I am convienced that my SO needs to see a different counselor, one that does not use misic therapy and tuning forks on her feet?!!!
I will also accept responsibility for maybe not understatnding that my wife is in denial, but the girl can not tell a lie it is just not in her and I have to take her at her word when she says that my CD'ing is not an issue as long as she does not have to see, meet or deal with Deborah. She is always reading the want ads as she is just not happy with her job and the folks she has to deal with.
Again, I apologize for any incongruities that I caused it was not my intention.
Love you all,
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Beauty
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I don't think I've ever had to moderate this area, but this thread has been modertated so yesterday almost didn't exist.
I keep typing and erasing.. lol.. I'll deal with the majority of this via PMs.
Kay I know you specifically referred to Shannon and Sharon, so I hope you don't mind me responding. There's no need to go anywhere. You have been one of our member faithful from near the beginning of the forum's life. We NEED you. With that said, I respect your decisions to lurk if you don't feel comfy posting.
Jassmine your post about responding to Kay via PM was right on the mark. I don't think she has any animosity or bad feelings towards you.
I'll be sending a PM to you Ahzz.
Let's get back to our normally scheduled (no flaming) discussions.
I keep typing and erasing.. lol.. I'll deal with the majority of this via PMs.
Kay I know you specifically referred to Shannon and Sharon, so I hope you don't mind me responding. There's no need to go anywhere. You have been one of our member faithful from near the beginning of the forum's life. We NEED you. With that said, I respect your decisions to lurk if you don't feel comfy posting.
Jassmine your post about responding to Kay via PM was right on the mark. I don't think she has any animosity or bad feelings towards you.
I'll be sending a PM to you Ahzz.
Let's get back to our normally scheduled (no flaming) discussions.
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Loretta Ann
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Hi, all,
I guess I missed something as I have not been following this thread all that closely.
Kay I want to say that I have found what you have had to say here usually helps to keep things in perspective, and I appreciate that. I personally was helped through an exchange I had with you, in a way that I will never forget.
I hope that no one here has done any thing to deserve the absence of your contributions.
I have found that there have been people here who post things that push my buttons too, but I don't think I can find a place where that will not happen. So my solution to that has been to find ways to make the mental adjustments necessary to take care of that. If I was not able to that I would no longer be here.
I have offered this information respectfully, for your consideration.
I guess I missed something as I have not been following this thread all that closely.
Kay I want to say that I have found what you have had to say here usually helps to keep things in perspective, and I appreciate that. I personally was helped through an exchange I had with you, in a way that I will never forget.
I hope that no one here has done any thing to deserve the absence of your contributions.
I have found that there have been people here who post things that push my buttons too, but I don't think I can find a place where that will not happen. So my solution to that has been to find ways to make the mental adjustments necessary to take care of that. If I was not able to that I would no longer be here.
I have offered this information respectfully, for your consideration.