Therapy with an experienced professional

[Beauty]

Hi Julie,

As always, what a Class A post!

I never even thought about that. I thought it was funny about outsiders minds being in the gutter. As the head of your household I think you holding the family meeting to say, "I don't think so." Was very, very important!

I laughed out loud about when you have an interest in men it's because you need a golfing partner.

Thank you so much Julie for sharing this with us. You are so important to so many. I'm happy I get to read from you. I hope you have a great day @ work!!!

Beauty

[Virginia]

Julie,
Yeah these counselors are good, but as you are quickly finding out for those with, uh? how can I say this?? well, no offense to present company ' weaker minds." they can grasp ideas that were never intended to be put on the table. I can only reiterate my experience: as I have sadi before, the counselor that my wife is seeing is useing "music therapy" and and and "tuning forks on her feet????" what the hell is that all about???? When she told our family counselor about that the look on his face was priceless.
Anyway, back in May?? was it she came home after her second or third session and said, "we need to separate!" Well needless to say I talked her out of it and no one I say no one will ever convence me that that counselor did not put her up to that!!!!! So be careful and in the family session, take notes on who said what - worked for me!
Love ya,
Deborah
PS Tell Deborah that Deborah said "You go Girl!"

[Loretta Ann]

Tuning forks on ones feet?

Is that like a tune up on a car?

Did she perk along any better after that point?

Or maybe it works like a tune up on my computer?

Keeps the old clock humming right a long you know?

Gosh - I just don't know why I could not figure that one out before?

Goes to show you just how keen this old mind of mine still is?

Is it any wonder that I don't aspire to be completely like a woman?

Perhaps one of the blessings about being gendered gifted is it allows us to be somewhere in the middle of the two gender worlds, hopefully better balanced.

[Virginia]

Yeah, Sis, it is amazing!!! and my wife thinks this lady is God's gift to the mentally challenged. I did not mention that I finally got my wife to admit what really bothered her about me - my tone of voice! Evidently too, how shall I say, "demanding?!" Anyway I have started tying to whisper to her and make a really conscious effort never to speak in a loud voice, now I get "What did you say!?" It does help my female personna though.
Love,
Deborah

[Virginia]

AHHH! can't believe I typed that, not mentally challenged, scratch that I will deny ever having said it. How about in need of emotional help?! Really she is a great girl, just has some self-image problems or something.
Deborah

[Julie M.]

Yeah, Sis, it is amazing!!! and my wife thinks this lady is God's gift to the mentally challenged. I did not mention that I finally got my wife to admit what really bothered her about me - my tone of voice! Evidently too, how shall I say, "demanding?!" Anyway I have started tying to whisper to her and make a really conscious effort never to speak in a loud voice, now I get "What did you say!?" It does help my female personna though.
Love,
Deborah

Deborah,

I've said it before and now I find myself saying it again, we came from similar molds. When I came home last night I was "emphatic" about getting this gay issue on the table and quashing the rumors. My wife told me I was yelling at her. I said I was just being firm in my speech so there was no uncertainty about what I was saying. "Well I hear yelling." she told me.

Yes I spoke loudly but there was no anger in my voice and I felt no anger. I was shocked and disturbed I was suspected to be gay because I have never done anything to appear gay - oh yeah, I forgot, I dress as a woman therefore I must be trying to attract men. That keeps slipping my feeble mind.

"Hey Mainstream USA! Get your mind out of the gutter! Stop thinking about sex and perverted things all the time! Jerry Springer is a TV show and it's not real!"

Do you think they heard me?

And here's another classic, "Maybe it's the Mars Venus thing and you misunderstood Deb (the therapist)" So in other words I am incapable of understanding women because I'm from Mars? What some people will do to prove a point.

At least I know there's sane and reasonable people here who don't think about sex all the time

[Connie]

JulieM Says:

I was shocked and disturbed I was suspected to be gay because I have never done anything to appear gay

Julie,
Just as shocked as us New Jerseyans who found out today that we have a gay governor!

Connie

[Julie M.]

JulieM Says:

I was shocked and disturbed I was suspected to be gay because I have never done anything to appear gay

Julie,
Just as shocked as us New Jerseyans who found out today that we have a gay governor!

Connie

But in truth isn't he really bisexual? I mean he has had two marriages and a child from each. Maybe this is a political ploy where he's identifying himself with gays to shelter himself under the umbrage of "no gay bashing". It's kind of like the dentist, Tim Watley, on Seinfeld who became Jewish so he could tell Jewish jokes.

Julie

[Julie M.]

Today my wife and I went to therapy as a couple for the first time. I had figured we would be doing something like he said she said and who is right sort of thing. I was wrong.

Deb (the therapist) took control right away and said we were going to be practicing listening skills. Thoughts cruised through my mind as I replayed all the times we "discussed" but couldn't seem to understand each other. Then Deb explained what we were to do.

One at a time you will say something to your spouse. Keep it short. The other person has to listen. When you are done your spouse will repeat to you what you have said. If it is wrong tell your spouse what they missed. Don't ask any questions, just make a statement that is real to your present life and not something in the past.

Deb explained couples tend to listen to a point when something the other person says takes them away from listening and they then start formulating a response. In the mean time they jump in and out of what the other person is saying and hear a segmented version of what is really being said. This leads to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. What was meant to be a healing session ends up becoming an argument.

So Sandy and I start the excercise. I begin. Sandy repeats what she heard. I correct the missed or misunderstood parts. We can't elaborate or turn this into a discussion. It is simply you say something and I repeat what you said. If I got it right you say I did and it's my turn to do the same. If I got it wrong you tell me what I missed and it's my turn. We go back and forth with limited success. It was tough for both of us.

This controlled environment made us stop before things got heated. The hardest thing was not letting your thoughts, your emotions, take you out of the listening mode.

After it was over Deb asked what we each got out of the session. I deferred to Sandy but she wanted me to start. I told Deb that at the beginning I found myself drifting while Sandy was talking but as we did this several times I felt I was listening better. However the more emotional I was about what was being said the harder it was for me not to drift into other thoughts. When Dab asked Sandy she said the same thing.

We left therapy not talking. Sandy was holding back tears. She was visibly upset. Things came out she didn't like. I thought this was an indication we would eventually split. She would never accept Julie and I needed that acceptance.

When we got home we tried to pretend all was well. I heated up some pizza for dinner. She just hung around the kitchen. As I ate we talked some more. I refused to allow this to become a fight and stayed as low keyed as I could. It seemed to help keep things cool.

The Olympics were on and I have been following the swimmers since it started. I sat down and watched. I have loved what these athletes have been doing and have gotten so much satisfaction from watching them succeed that dressing up hasn't even entered my mind. I go to work out and incorporate the things I learned from watching these Olympians into my workout and I walk out feeling great. Yeah, I'm 53 and will never do what they have done but I am a swimmer and I love feeling like I'm part of their world. It's become a very satisfying part of my life.

So I'm totally into the swimming events and Sandy comes to sit down on the couch. She waits until all the swimming is done and says she found something on the internet she'd like me to read. It's something written be Jane Ellen Fairfax from the Tri-Ess website. I go to read it. No big deal. It's something I read many times before.

Sandy and I talk about it. Things get heated again. I just say, "I don't want to fight" She says neither do I. Not much is said for a while then we get into a heart to heart talk. I tell her I hate that who I am hurts so many people. I never intended to hurt anyone. Things get better but are still somewhat cool.

Later Sandy says, "I'm going to bed" and as she gets up from the couch goes to give me a peck on the cheek. I grab her and hold her. "Sandy I love you. I've never done anything intending to hurt you. It kills me to know I have. I have these brain farts that end up stinking up everything"

We hold a hug for the longest time since I don't know when. I feel so much emotion, so connected to her. I realize I am so crazy about her I hate myself for hurting her. I can't let go. She is the love of my life.

[Kristen]

Julie, What an emotional post!! I got to the end and I was all teary eyed. I hope and pray that you both can come through the turmoil as a couple. Thanks for letting us know what you are going through. hugs and kisses.....kristenl

[Wendy Seymone]

Thank you for such a heart felt post Julie. Only you can decide what is the right thing for you to do.
I truly hope you are someday able to find whatever it is that you are searching for sweetie.

Hugs and Kisses,
Wendy

[Nick]

Julia,

I'm in a situation with my girlfriend like this. We're both tense about this whole crossdressing thing. She doesn't like it because it's not masculine. I like it because it makes me feel better about myself. I'm only 18, and just getting started in life. i've got nothing permanent right now, and have got it in my mind to just find someone else who will accept me. My ladyfriend and I have been together since March of '03, which is a long time for a high school relationship (even though I'm not in high school anymore and she is...) I really like her... A LOT!!! But I feel that I need that acceptance and support from her that I can't get anywhere else if she and I want to continue with our relationship. It makes her flustered that I go out with friends en femme but not with her, but then she says it's not "her preference." She told me once, while in tears, that she wanted to be able to accept that part of me, but can't because it feels so different to her. I don't even use a femme name. I just go out as Nick! The same Nick that listens to Screaming Death Metal and creates art and collects Transformers (and wears 80s rocker attire when not dressed...)! I don't even act feminine! Oh, well. Sorry for rambling...

Anywho...

I do want to say that I will send this topic to her. I figure that she can use it to kind of see what I'm going through, but from someone else's point of view. You're a good man, Julia, even if you are a Crossdresser, and don't forget that. I would hope that when I have a Family, I hope I can be as good to them as you are to yours.

- Celes

[Julie M.]

Celes,

I know this is tough for our SOs to handle. While in session Saturday Deb says to my wife, "You never signed on to live with a woman" then sort of nods towards me. My wife agreed. That's how they see it, that we are trying to be women.

I can't really know how they feel because I have never lived the experience. I have however lived the transgendered experience for over 50 years. During that time I have had plenty of time to reflect and if I could go back and change things I would.

I love my wife and kids with all my heart. Had my wife been a willing participant and received as much joy as I have in my transgendered personna my life would be heaven on earth and so would hers. When I see the pain and suffering she goes through I expereince it too. This is what makes it so hard to live with someone you love and you see who you are hurts them. You don't intend to hurt them but just being yourself is all it takes.

Finding a lifemate who is an equal participant in your trans life means all this pain will be avoided. You won't be hurting her. She will help teach your kids that this is okay and your kids won't be hurt. I figure why drag someone into our life when we know it will be filled with so much turmoil? Aren't we being selfish when we do this? Instead of fulfilling the "I wants" look at her and ask yourself if keeping her in your life will make HER happier.

I'm still trying to figure out what will utlimately make my wife happiest. If we stay together I know she will be putting up with something I doubt she will ever truly accept. If we split would she be happier? I want to do what ever will make her happiest in the long run.

If you truly love her, do what's best for her, not you.

Julie

[Chantelle]

Julie,

It sounds like a really difficult time for you. In my experience, it is hard for SO's to realize and accept that there is much more depth to their mate than they thought previously. I think that my SO can accept this largely because I was upfront from the beginning. Had I revealled this later, the shock would have been too much for her.

I see it as just another attribute we possess. For me anyways, it is not much different than the way an artist behaves in and perceives the world. Using their imaginations and creativity, they want to create beauty and express themselves but in an unconventional way. The only difference is that we are the canvass. Turning off the creative spirit in the artist is likely impossible and really very sad. I imagine that it would be a kind of death not that dissimilar from what we would experience.

I am not sure if this is very helpful, but I do feel for you and wish you the best. It does sound as though you two have a strong bond with each other. Best of luck and keep us updated!

Chantelle

[Anita]

Hi Julie--
Your post was very good, and I identify with a lot of it, even though I'm not in a relationship at this time. I never had to deal with CDing until 49, and all my major rels were over by that time.

But my last girlfriend and I have remained friends, and even there I'm running into the wall of not having much to say to her if she doesn't accept Anita. Not because I'm angry at her, but just because that's a big part of my "emotional" life now.

I've pointed out to her that she would feel very distant from people if they never asked her how her son is doing--that's a big part of her life. So if we avoid talking about Anita, it has the same effect on me. She really understood that analogy, and at the same time, it doesn't make her feel any better.

I liked the description of your counselling session. That's a great thing--to simplify things so that emotions don't disrupt what's going on. The end of your post is very emotional. I'm remembering every fight of mine that was like that, and there were many.

I look at the glass as half-full. I may not be with any of those women now, but going through it again and again helped me learn more about how to handle myself at those times. I did get better at it. Learning how to listen in the heat of the moment is a big deal.

I would support your feeling about, "whatever makes her happiest in the long run." I try to use a variation of that in every big decision I face: "I only want what is best for all concerned." I use this as a kind of mantra in really troubling times, to keep my mind so busy that it has no time for fearful or angry thoughts. It's helped me in many relationships. I feel that I'll always win in the long run--but what's best right NOW?

Hang in there, Julie.