My Mother's Coat...long

Chantelle · Post by **Chantelle** » Fri Aug 20, 2004 6:24 pm

At the age of four, I recall occasionally falling asleep for the night on the couch, only to wake up in a bit of a panic and find that my mother had covered me with her black coat. It was long and made of rough wool, but the nylon lining was soft and it kept me very warm. I can still remember the faint smell of her perfume which made me feel safe and secure as I again fell asleep.
Security was something I longed for as I frequently awoke in the morning to see large bruises on my gentle mother’s face. Her makeup could only mask the most serious blows. Once again had she been beaten by this man after just leaving my father for doing as much. I recall hearing her fighting with him and fearing greatly for her safety. I felt terribly inadequate, being too small to save her from his violence. Occasionally, she would leave him late at night holding my hand as we walked down the road, but she was always persuaded by his promises and returned to him. I wanted to keep going. Early on I learned to hate men and vowed never to use my physical stature to press my will.
Not long after, while driving with my mother in her car nicknamed “old blue”, I recall listening to a sensational radio report about a man who became a woman. I was shocked that sex/gender could be altered. At the age of seven, I knew what decision I would make if given the choice.
Eventually, she met a very honourable German fellow whom I now consider my father. Always a man of good intentions, he sought to “strengthen” and “toughen up” this boy who was too “soft “ having lived in a home with his mother and two sisters. He immediately got me active in physical sports, and when I reached the age of 11, he took away most of my clothes and had my long hair cut very short. This also effectively stopped me from using a blow dryer to style my hair. When I protested, he rhetorically asked whether I was also going to use lipstick and eye shadow (little did he know eh?). Crying was simply NOT tolerated under any circumstances; only displays of anger were understood if vigorously controlled. Self-discipline was taught to be the most important characteristic/virtue one could possess.
During these years, I had to carefully hide my dressing but it waned anyways because his efforts met with considerable success. At a relatively young age, I grew quite tall and very muscular. I ran, cycled, wrestled and weight trained so vigorously that I created stretch marks on my chest and legs. In hockey, my coach frequently rebuked me for keeping a tally of the players I had hurt so badly that they required medical attention. I broke my promise to myself.
It was only when I was on my own that I realized just how much I had deviated from my true nature and my dressing became more frequent. In fact, I once garnered the strength to take a few steps from my home while completely dressed. It was exhilarating! In a tearful conversation, I even told my mother and she said that I would be beautiful no matter what sex/gender I chose to present.
Eventually at 28 years of age, I met a smiley 27 year old Scottish-Canadian gal, just under 6' tall, large blue eyes, long legs (especially in heels which she often wore) and fair skin. I told her about my CDing, but she thought it a trivial matter. In fact, she picked out clothing for me and showed me how to do makeup properly. She intuitively understood the beauty of CDing. Tragically, her cancer returned with a vengeance and lead to palliative care. Counsellors believed that she was suffering needlessly and required “permission” to pass away so they suggested that I give her such permission. I did so by telling her about an agreement I had struck with her parents to care for her daughter. This was REALLY important to her because she had been mistreated (sexually) by her mother’s former partner. Not surprisingly, she hated her mother (and especially her “mum’s” compliance in the matter). I told my love that she could rest and that I promised to take care of everything. Three hours later, she slipped. I will never forget stoically smoking a cigarette under that dark, rainy, night sky.
Not long after, however, the deal was off! Her parents angrily told me that I would not be caring for her child as they had found out I enjoyed wearing women’s clothing. They accused me of being a potential child abuser. I appealed vigorously to the contrary, but to no avail. I even hired a lawyer who told me that I had no legal standing due to the fact that my (common-law) wife and I had insufficient time and funds for me to legally adopt her baby.
Consequently, I have felt enormous guilt about my CDing no matter how hard I try to recognize that it was their prejudice that caused this mishap. Sometimes I feel as though my own whimsical pleasures unintentionally led to the betrayal of the one I loved so much. I made her a promise that she could literally take to the grave and I felt/feel as though I have not delivered. For a few years, I worked two rewarding jobs and made considerable money, only to get extremely drunk at night and cry myself to sleep over my weakness and betrayal. Even after counselling, only time has really lessened the guilt.
A happy ending and future awaits those patient enough to consider this story. I now live with an absolutely wonderful woman who is outwardly and inwardly astonishingly beautiful. She is thoughtful, funny and extremely ambitious. Despite her small frame, she is also very strong willed. Even though she is only in her mid 20's and I in my mid-30's, she completely accepts me for who I truly am. She is also very protective of me, but I like that. I am very fortunate.

Chantelle · Post by **Chantelle** » Fri Aug 20, 2004 6:28 pm

I also meant to say that it was everyone's willingness to post their narrative and pics. that gave me the confidence to do this. I have never admitted these things to anyone else except in bits and pieces. I thank you all for your on-line support and confidence.

Chantelle

xx

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Fri Aug 20, 2004 8:42 pm

Chantelle,

Thank you for sharing this with us. I know it is not an easy thing to do, but I believe it is healthy, and important that you have safe place to do that.

Chantelle · Post by **Chantelle** » Fri Aug 20, 2004 10:41 pm

I thank you for reading it. I know it was long and perhaps rather bleak.

Chantelle

xx

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sat Aug 21, 2004 7:18 am

Hi Chantelle,
I agree withmy Sis, Darlene, having a place to share, especially with sisters that have some understanding of what you have or are going through and willing to lend a sympathic ear and have empathy for you and your struggles is so nice and these girls are the best at that.
Love ya,
Virginia

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Sat Aug 21, 2004 9:57 am

Hi Chantelle,

You have certainly had a rough time, it is fantastic that you have the love of someone so special to you now.

A very well thought out beginnings story, which not only helps us understand you, or for you to share your life, but also for all those girls who are in the thick of things and don't post, only read.

Love
Rebecca xxx

Kristen · Post by **Kristen** » Sat Aug 21, 2004 10:58 pm

Chantelle, Hockey eh? Cool< sounds like you had a pretty rocky road ,but you turned it into ice cream. Sweet!! What a touching story just when I thought I have heard it all . The abuse that you witsessed must had been horrible, make you feel so helpless. I am so glad you have the foritude to post this, very remarkable that you have found true happiness with your SO, and no bitterness. Truly remarkable.
thanks for taking the time to post your story. Hugs and kisses .........kristen

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Mon Aug 23, 2004 7:40 am

Hi Chantelle,

It's not easy for me to respect people right at the start of getting to know them, but your story has truly made me a HUGE Chantelle fan.

You are so beautiful.

I'm sorry about the loss of your friend, but you were her angel and you didn't let her down. You did all you could. That's all she would have ever asked for. I think you are so wonderful, you have no idea.

Your story of your childhood and the very wonderful wording you chose to use totally got me into your life as if I was seeing a visual story display in my mind. The difference with you is that your writing style has a magic to it that causes the visuals to appear more real in my mind. I could have sworn I even smelled the perfume on your mother's coat.

I remember being young and small and always remembering that there wasn't really anything I could do to protect the woman I loved the most (my mom). It was a very cruddy feeling.

I think the man who taught you how to be a man was totally awesome. As a boy you have to learn to survive in a man's world and it sounds like he did an incredible job raising you. It would have been great if he'd have let you kept your Thor hairstyle though.

Thanks for starting my morning off so positively Chantelle. You are truly a wonderful and beautiful person. I am totally amazed. Ok, blown away actually.

Thank you for posting your wonderful story.

Beauty

Wendy Seymone · Post by **Wendy Seymone** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 5:12 am

Hi Chantelle,

You are a very good writer.
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful post.

Hugs,
Wendy

Eloise Goth · Post by **Eloise Goth** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 5:24 am

be strong in our family, Chantelle..

Amelie-Laveau · Post by **Amelie-Laveau** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 3:49 pm

Chantelle, I am sorry I didn't see this thread sooner.
I am so sorry for you, it made me cry, it is so sad what you went through, I can't even imagine it. You are a friend and I truly hope things turn out for the better, no one should go through what you did.
I am speechless I don't know what to say.
All the best Chantelle
Love Amelie

Aislin · Post by **Aislin** » Sat Sep 11, 2004 10:03 am

Thanks for sharing and being honest. This place allows you to do that without repercussion. Take a deep breath and a step back and enjoy this as much as I have.