Yes I would be very interested in reading your comments
Asheley
Therapy with an experienced professional
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
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Hi Julie,
Wow. That was a very insightful post your wrote on the 21st.
Are things better now? Sometimes after counseling emotions take time to absorb, but after you've lived through it you go, "Wow, I'm not dead." I think that you've got it together about who you are and who you want to be, but your wife is still struggling with acceptance of Julie. So, has time helped her? Is she starting to relax a little more or asking you more questions? Do you feel any new acceptance thingies from her? Sorry for the majillion questions. I hope they aren't intrusive.
I wish you the best!
Beauty
Wow. That was a very insightful post your wrote on the 21st.
Are things better now? Sometimes after counseling emotions take time to absorb, but after you've lived through it you go, "Wow, I'm not dead." I think that you've got it together about who you are and who you want to be, but your wife is still struggling with acceptance of Julie. So, has time helped her? Is she starting to relax a little more or asking you more questions? Do you feel any new acceptance thingies from her? Sorry for the majillion questions. I hope they aren't intrusive.
I wish you the best!
Beauty
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Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
Hi All,
My experiences in therapy has similarities with all of you. My wife and I went through the comunication and listening thing also. I could remember back 29 years when I would hang on her every word. These days we found we were not hearing each other. We still struggle.
I wanted my wife to go to her own therapist and I was happy when she did. Even a good therapist only has the information we choose to give him or her. My therapist helped me to accept me. My therapist accepted the need in me to cross-dress. She only warned me often of possible consequences of my actions. She worried for my safety. When I accepted that I am a cross-dresser, my wife hated my therapist because my wife felt that the therapist had given me the green light. My wife thought that the therapist would cure my cding along with other much bigger problems.
I worried that my wife would display her unhappiness in the meetings. The therapists, I feel, do try to help us in our reach for peace and happiness. I knew if my wife only told of the abuse I did to her and told of my cross-dressing and that it did not make her happy, the therapist would question on what was best. The therapist would naturally recommend divorce. I held my wife before the first meeting of hers. I grabbed and held her tight and told her I was absolutely committed to our marriage and that I loved her. I asked her if she was as committed as I. She did not answer. I told her if she goes with the attitude that our marriage is over, it is already over, because I could do no more to convince her. I told her the therapist will only help her in the goals that she pronounces.
If she wants to end our marriage that is what the therapist would probably commit to help her do. I told her to think about what you really wants, because contrary to what a lot of people believe, wishes do come true.
Life is unpredictable. I don't know what my out come will be, nor do I know any of yours. I do recommend you know the outcome you want and give yourself to that goal.
Three weeks back my wife's counselor wanted a signed slip, so she could talk to my counselor. I told her no. I said if my counselor is to converse with yours why don't just your lawyer talk to mine. I talked to my therapist and she said she could not and would not conspire against my best interest. Sounds like lawyer talk, don't it? But my therapist has helped me to be a better and happier person in so many wonderful ways.
I told my wife I would sign, but I never got the release to sign. I don't believe we will ever divorce. Things are constantly getting better between us. I believe we finally have the same needs.
Even though my therapist has supported my need to cd, she still has told me the same, that my wife did not sign on either to have female competition from her husband. It has been a long process of understanding each others needs.
Last weekend my wife offered to go to a movie with me all dressed up.
I turned her down, and told her I didn't feel she was comfortable yet to do this. She said she wasn't and appreciated it. I think coming that far, that one day soon she will go out with me because she loves and supports me.
Maybe I am a dreamer too. But life is exciting.
Good Luck to All of Us,
Kersten
My experiences in therapy has similarities with all of you. My wife and I went through the comunication and listening thing also. I could remember back 29 years when I would hang on her every word. These days we found we were not hearing each other. We still struggle.
I wanted my wife to go to her own therapist and I was happy when she did. Even a good therapist only has the information we choose to give him or her. My therapist helped me to accept me. My therapist accepted the need in me to cross-dress. She only warned me often of possible consequences of my actions. She worried for my safety. When I accepted that I am a cross-dresser, my wife hated my therapist because my wife felt that the therapist had given me the green light. My wife thought that the therapist would cure my cding along with other much bigger problems.
I worried that my wife would display her unhappiness in the meetings. The therapists, I feel, do try to help us in our reach for peace and happiness. I knew if my wife only told of the abuse I did to her and told of my cross-dressing and that it did not make her happy, the therapist would question on what was best. The therapist would naturally recommend divorce. I held my wife before the first meeting of hers. I grabbed and held her tight and told her I was absolutely committed to our marriage and that I loved her. I asked her if she was as committed as I. She did not answer. I told her if she goes with the attitude that our marriage is over, it is already over, because I could do no more to convince her. I told her the therapist will only help her in the goals that she pronounces.
If she wants to end our marriage that is what the therapist would probably commit to help her do. I told her to think about what you really wants, because contrary to what a lot of people believe, wishes do come true.
Life is unpredictable. I don't know what my out come will be, nor do I know any of yours. I do recommend you know the outcome you want and give yourself to that goal.
Three weeks back my wife's counselor wanted a signed slip, so she could talk to my counselor. I told her no. I said if my counselor is to converse with yours why don't just your lawyer talk to mine. I talked to my therapist and she said she could not and would not conspire against my best interest. Sounds like lawyer talk, don't it? But my therapist has helped me to be a better and happier person in so many wonderful ways.
I told my wife I would sign, but I never got the release to sign. I don't believe we will ever divorce. Things are constantly getting better between us. I believe we finally have the same needs.
Even though my therapist has supported my need to cd, she still has told me the same, that my wife did not sign on either to have female competition from her husband. It has been a long process of understanding each others needs.
Last weekend my wife offered to go to a movie with me all dressed up.
I turned her down, and told her I didn't feel she was comfortable yet to do this. She said she wasn't and appreciated it. I think coming that far, that one day soon she will go out with me because she loves and supports me.
Maybe I am a dreamer too. But life is exciting.
Good Luck to All of Us,
Kersten
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Julie M.
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 224
- Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:48 pm
Yesterday's session
My wife and I went to our second couples session yesterday. We had practiced active listening during the week and it showed me that listening is a skill and not something to be taken for granted.
Something I read that my wife had found on the internet really hit home. The entire article was great but what I took from it was using "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Here's a link so you understand what I'm talking about http://www.rainbowtrail.info/oct.html . It also made me accept that it's okay to talk about my feelings, something I never do.
So I practiced this all week and it was amazing! Instead of saying "you" to my wife I spoke about my feelings, what I saw, how I interpreted things, basically, how I felt about things. We didn't fight, we didn't argue all week. I stopped feeling like I was walking on eggs. I stopped feeling like I couldn't bring up what was bothering me for fear of an argument. I stopped feeling like I was a prisoner.
What I did feel was a removal of tension, a freedom to walk through my house without fear of running into somebody I didn't want to see. I also spent a lot more time with my wife and daughter because I WANTED to, not out of obligation. I enjoyed the company of my wife. That's something that had been lacking due to the fear of getting into an argument. I hate arguing. I don't cool off very well. I steam for a long time and I hate that feeling.
That article just clicked for me. It did more for me than the sessions have so far. I will continue to apply the "I" statements in every relationship that means anything to me. I hope my wife feels the same because it's such a postitve way to communicate. The article can be beneficial to anyone in a relationship but is really focused on TG/CD relationships.
I hope you find this as helpful as I did.
Julie
Something I read that my wife had found on the internet really hit home. The entire article was great but what I took from it was using "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Here's a link so you understand what I'm talking about http://www.rainbowtrail.info/oct.html . It also made me accept that it's okay to talk about my feelings, something I never do.
So I practiced this all week and it was amazing! Instead of saying "you" to my wife I spoke about my feelings, what I saw, how I interpreted things, basically, how I felt about things. We didn't fight, we didn't argue all week. I stopped feeling like I was walking on eggs. I stopped feeling like I couldn't bring up what was bothering me for fear of an argument. I stopped feeling like I was a prisoner.
What I did feel was a removal of tension, a freedom to walk through my house without fear of running into somebody I didn't want to see. I also spent a lot more time with my wife and daughter because I WANTED to, not out of obligation. I enjoyed the company of my wife. That's something that had been lacking due to the fear of getting into an argument. I hate arguing. I don't cool off very well. I steam for a long time and I hate that feeling.
That article just clicked for me. It did more for me than the sessions have so far. I will continue to apply the "I" statements in every relationship that means anything to me. I hope my wife feels the same because it's such a postitve way to communicate. The article can be beneficial to anyone in a relationship but is really focused on TG/CD relationships.
I hope you find this as helpful as I did.
Julie
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Beauty
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Hi Julie,
That's a great link!
Thank you!
I'm going to send that link to my wife. It's great that your relationship with your wife is hitting new heights!
I think you know already, but just in case, your posts about what you're going through is going to help SO MUCH!
I wish you the best!!! Thanks for keeping us up to date with what's going on. You and your family are in my prayers.
Beauty
That's a great link!
Thank you! I'm going to send that link to my wife. It's great that your relationship with your wife is hitting new heights!
I think you know already, but just in case, your posts about what you're going through is going to help SO MUCH!
I wish you the best!!! Thanks for keeping us up to date with what's going on. You and your family are in my prayers.
Beauty
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Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
Hi Julie--
That's a very inspirational post. Keep up the work!
The link is a good one, but I didn't find the info about "I" statements in there. I do know what they are, since we encourage them in my TG support group. "I" statements come from YOUR experience alone, and don't require you to make assumptions about the other person.
One thing the link mentions is the stress of keeping the secret. It is still my hypothesis that keeping a secret is never a passive activity. It always requires energy to keep the secret, and it's a committment.
Like computer memory, there's only so much energy to go around. When we're younger, we don't notice the energy that secrets require. We're strong enough to take it all on. By the time we reach our 40s and 50s, we can SEE that we need every pocket of energy that we can find for day-to-day living. Energy is no longer this commodity that we can squander at will!
By the time crossdressing came back in my life at 49, I had lived long enough to know the toll on my well-being I was going to have to pay if I didn't come out. Rather than pay the price for years and years in my 20s and 30s, the "bill" came due all at once, during one year's time.
My personality begin to "shut down" some, because it was taking all of my attention to deal with CDing. I didn't have the Internet then, and it is also hard to deal with going to meetings if you're the only guy dressed in male clothes! I didn't care for that, but I wasn't ready to dress, either, so I felt stuck.
So you can imagine that when I finally made the decision to go out dressed some months later, I felt like I could come home and construct the Taj Mahal in the back yard! I had available energy again!
So it sounds like you have some available energy again too, Julie, to want to spend time with wife and family. You have better tools for talking to them, I can see why you're now enjoying it more.
That's a very inspirational post. Keep up the work!
The link is a good one, but I didn't find the info about "I" statements in there. I do know what they are, since we encourage them in my TG support group. "I" statements come from YOUR experience alone, and don't require you to make assumptions about the other person.
One thing the link mentions is the stress of keeping the secret. It is still my hypothesis that keeping a secret is never a passive activity. It always requires energy to keep the secret, and it's a committment.
Like computer memory, there's only so much energy to go around. When we're younger, we don't notice the energy that secrets require. We're strong enough to take it all on. By the time we reach our 40s and 50s, we can SEE that we need every pocket of energy that we can find for day-to-day living. Energy is no longer this commodity that we can squander at will!
By the time crossdressing came back in my life at 49, I had lived long enough to know the toll on my well-being I was going to have to pay if I didn't come out. Rather than pay the price for years and years in my 20s and 30s, the "bill" came due all at once, during one year's time.
My personality begin to "shut down" some, because it was taking all of my attention to deal with CDing. I didn't have the Internet then, and it is also hard to deal with going to meetings if you're the only guy dressed in male clothes! I didn't care for that, but I wasn't ready to dress, either, so I felt stuck.
So you can imagine that when I finally made the decision to go out dressed some months later, I felt like I could come home and construct the Taj Mahal in the back yard! I had available energy again!
So it sounds like you have some available energy again too, Julie, to want to spend time with wife and family. You have better tools for talking to them, I can see why you're now enjoying it more.
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Wendy Seymone
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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Julie M.
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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Sorry, I read so many articles my wife had printed I blended two together. Here's the link to the page that talks about the "I" statements: http://www.rainbowtrail.info/may7.htmlAnita wrote:Hi Julie--
The link is a good one, but I didn't find the info about "I" statements in there.
Julie
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Julie M.
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 224
- Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:48 pm
Just got back from a solo session
I went solo today because there are lot of things I want to get off my chest and my wife might just be bored.
When all hell broke loose and I was going out every weekend I was asked to curtail my outings until my son went off to college. I agreed. And I kept my end of the bargain. So this weekend Jacki's wife is out of town and she will be going full time girl the entire extended weekend. We were planning an outing together on Saturday. When I went to talk to my wife about it I found out my son will be home this weekend. The plans for me were quashed.
So I told Deb, the therapist. She pointed out that my son is acting like head of the house as everything centers around him and we are the ones allowing that. And she's right. My wife dotes on him way too much and his wish is always her command. Even my daughter feels this way.
So I come home and tell my wife what transpired during my session. Her response was she was told by Deb that I don't consider my family's feelings enough. So naturally I'm confused. Which way do I go? I have kept my promise but I never took into consideration my wife thought it meant every time my son decides to come home for a weekend (he's only 50 miles from home) I have to drop what I'm doing and make sure the house is up to his expectations.
Things got a little sticky for a while and I thought this will never be resolved. I will just return to repressing this totally to keep peace and go insane in the process or I will excercise my right to be me and upset my wife and son. My daughter is totally cool about it but she feels a lot of pressure from my wife and son. It's really my son who has the problem and that's understandable but my wife just runs to him every time he's upset to make everything all better.
Later she comes up to me and says she's okay if I go out tomorrow.
This is a real roller coaster I'm on and I want to get off. When I look at the big picture I see my wife creating the most turmoil in my life.
I'm fine knowing I'm a crossdresser. I'm fine with who I am. I like myself but when I listen to my wife describe me from her perspective all I see is she wants me to be someone else.
I don't know if I want to stay married. I do know I don't want to live like I was living before. There's a lot to think about here.
I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on. I'm just getting some things off my chest I'm not sad or depressed, I'm just confused and it will take some time to figure this all out.
Take care,
Julie
When all hell broke loose and I was going out every weekend I was asked to curtail my outings until my son went off to college. I agreed. And I kept my end of the bargain. So this weekend Jacki's wife is out of town and she will be going full time girl the entire extended weekend. We were planning an outing together on Saturday. When I went to talk to my wife about it I found out my son will be home this weekend. The plans for me were quashed.
So I told Deb, the therapist. She pointed out that my son is acting like head of the house as everything centers around him and we are the ones allowing that. And she's right. My wife dotes on him way too much and his wish is always her command. Even my daughter feels this way.
So I come home and tell my wife what transpired during my session. Her response was she was told by Deb that I don't consider my family's feelings enough. So naturally I'm confused. Which way do I go? I have kept my promise but I never took into consideration my wife thought it meant every time my son decides to come home for a weekend (he's only 50 miles from home) I have to drop what I'm doing and make sure the house is up to his expectations.
Things got a little sticky for a while and I thought this will never be resolved. I will just return to repressing this totally to keep peace and go insane in the process or I will excercise my right to be me and upset my wife and son. My daughter is totally cool about it but she feels a lot of pressure from my wife and son. It's really my son who has the problem and that's understandable but my wife just runs to him every time he's upset to make everything all better.
Later she comes up to me and says she's okay if I go out tomorrow.
This is a real roller coaster I'm on and I want to get off. When I look at the big picture I see my wife creating the most turmoil in my life. I'm fine knowing I'm a crossdresser. I'm fine with who I am. I like myself but when I listen to my wife describe me from her perspective all I see is she wants me to be someone else.
I don't know if I want to stay married. I do know I don't want to live like I was living before. There's a lot to think about here.
I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on. I'm just getting some things off my chest I'm not sad or depressed, I'm just confused and it will take some time to figure this all out.
Take care,
Julie
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Kristen
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julie i can indentify with what you are trying to deal with. My exwife has told me that she always thought that my crossdressing was more important than my family. She would leave me alone on one day a week so I could crossdress by myself. That's fun if you have new outfits and thing s to try diffently, but pretty boring other wise. There were a few times that we would dress for dinner when it was just the two of us, in 4 years it was just a handleful of times. I really enjoyed those times and I thought she did too. Instead of a son dictating it was my step daughter, and still does she the one thatcame and got my daughter 2 weeks ago. I know how many emotions are running thru your veins and how the roller coster can be. No answer from this gal , but just can indentfiy with your situation. Hang in there it will becaome clear, at some piont. hope you find peace. ............kristen
Do want you want to do, be who you want to be.
* * Email address not current as of 10-07-2008! Please contact SilverLady(SO) immediately! See http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=9237 for further information. Thank You!! * *
* * Email address not current as of 10-07-2008! Please contact SilverLady(SO) immediately! See http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=9237 for further information. Thank You!! * *
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Beauty
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Hi Julie,
Sorry that you're going through this at all, but you're doing an EXCELLENT job.
I want to give you wife some kudos for coming back to you and saying it was ok. That is really very big. At the same time I agree it's a roller coaster.
I think if you read some of the posts in the SO area (or remember some of them) that you should be able to see she's on the road to acceptance. Being divorced would surely solve the roller coaster, but then you'd have your best friend gone from your daily life. I believe there are checks and balances here for both of you. You are holding up to your part, but she's playing catch up.
You've identified the things that need to be worked on very clearly and I think you're going to get there. Almost everything (other than your anguish) was positive about what's transpiring. It's just hard because it's so drawn out.
Julie, you're doing great and I can tell you from a person who's not involved day to day in what's going on things definitely sound ten times better than they did a short time ago. The true test will be to look back on things a year from now.
Beauty
Sorry that you're going through this at all, but you're doing an EXCELLENT job.
I want to give you wife some kudos for coming back to you and saying it was ok. That is really very big. At the same time I agree it's a roller coaster.
I think if you read some of the posts in the SO area (or remember some of them) that you should be able to see she's on the road to acceptance. Being divorced would surely solve the roller coaster, but then you'd have your best friend gone from your daily life. I believe there are checks and balances here for both of you. You are holding up to your part, but she's playing catch up.
You've identified the things that need to be worked on very clearly and I think you're going to get there. Almost everything (other than your anguish) was positive about what's transpiring. It's just hard because it's so drawn out.
Julie, you're doing great and I can tell you from a person who's not involved day to day in what's going on things definitely sound ten times better than they did a short time ago. The true test will be to look back on things a year from now.
Beauty
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Julie M.
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 224
- Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:48 pm
Well even though I was pretty beat (work, a mid-week outing with high school friends and a side job) I went out Saturday night. I had let the leg hair grow back to the point even dark hose couldn't hide it. Both my son and daughter commented on it growing back (my son said it to my wife).
I was at Jacki's house to change so as to minimize disruption at home and I had brought only a few things so I was stuck with wearing a skirt and I refuse to make a mockery of femininity and I don't live in Europe so I shaved my legs. Sunday and Monday I had to wear long pants around the house so my son wasn't disappointed I "reverted". That was the only negative from going out so things so seem to have improved.
I had a long talk with my daughter. She has been so helpful in trying to bring my son to an understanding. He said he knows I'm still his dad and he loves me but he's just a "little weirded out" which is perfectly understandable. I just have to continue to be the same guy he has always known.
My daughter asked me if she could see pictures of me dressed. Since they are all on the computer I sat her down and showed her some recent ones. She told me I needed a different wig, something that's more appropriate with my age and that I needed some help with my makeup. She then said she would like to go wig shopping with me and later she would do my makeup.
The only thing that bothers her is she has to deal with my son's reaction and subsequently my wife's. I thought that was pretty cool of her. She's one tough cookie.
I see Deb again tomorrow. After that it's the side job (a freebie for my son's wrestling coach). Keeping overly busy sure makes it tough to visit my friends when I want.
Take care and thanks for all your support,
Julie
I was at Jacki's house to change so as to minimize disruption at home and I had brought only a few things so I was stuck with wearing a skirt and I refuse to make a mockery of femininity and I don't live in Europe so I shaved my legs. Sunday and Monday I had to wear long pants around the house so my son wasn't disappointed I "reverted". That was the only negative from going out so things so seem to have improved.
I had a long talk with my daughter. She has been so helpful in trying to bring my son to an understanding. He said he knows I'm still his dad and he loves me but he's just a "little weirded out" which is perfectly understandable. I just have to continue to be the same guy he has always known.
My daughter asked me if she could see pictures of me dressed. Since they are all on the computer I sat her down and showed her some recent ones. She told me I needed a different wig, something that's more appropriate with my age and that I needed some help with my makeup. She then said she would like to go wig shopping with me and later she would do my makeup.
The only thing that bothers her is she has to deal with my son's reaction and subsequently my wife's. I thought that was pretty cool of her. She's one tough cookie.I see Deb again tomorrow. After that it's the side job (a freebie for my son's wrestling coach). Keeping overly busy sure makes it tough to visit my friends when I want.
Take care and thanks for all your support,
Julie
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Beauty
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Julie M.
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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Still going
I haven't been keeping this updated because I haven't been really getting much out of the sessions. It seems lately all I've been doing is telling her what's happening in my life, she listens and then time's up. Maybe I'm expecting too much but I always thought you were supposed to leave a therapy session feeling better or at least thinking a different way that will lead to feeling better.
The last session did have one interesting input from her though. My wife and I have talked a lot about the crossdressing issue. She told me at least twice that it would be easier for her if I were to transition because at least then she'd know but she sees crossdressing as flip-flopping back and forth and it drives her crazy. Deb specualted maybe my wife had lesbian tendencies, not necessarily physical, but in a relationship sense. I thought that interesting and worth some thought. Other than that it seems all Deb does is pass judgement by labeling me and everyone I talk about. That's not therapy to me.
I told Deb how I feel after going out. That I feel so happy and relieved and the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. She looked at me like "really? That's interesting" although she said nothing. I thought that response strange.
I'm thinking about leaving but if me going makes my family feel better then at least I'd have one reason to go. Since insurance is picking up 90% of the cost the only thing I spend is some time but if my family feels better then it's worth it.
Next Thursday my wife and I see her together. It will be our third couples session. I'll let you know how it goes.
Julie
The last session did have one interesting input from her though. My wife and I have talked a lot about the crossdressing issue. She told me at least twice that it would be easier for her if I were to transition because at least then she'd know but she sees crossdressing as flip-flopping back and forth and it drives her crazy. Deb specualted maybe my wife had lesbian tendencies, not necessarily physical, but in a relationship sense. I thought that interesting and worth some thought. Other than that it seems all Deb does is pass judgement by labeling me and everyone I talk about. That's not therapy to me.
I told Deb how I feel after going out. That I feel so happy and relieved and the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. She looked at me like "really? That's interesting" although she said nothing. I thought that response strange.
I'm thinking about leaving but if me going makes my family feel better then at least I'd have one reason to go. Since insurance is picking up 90% of the cost the only thing I spend is some time but if my family feels better then it's worth it.
Next Thursday my wife and I see her together. It will be our third couples session. I'll let you know how it goes.
Julie
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
Jean, welcome aboard.
You'll find more on Julie on the following site:
http://crossdressers.com/forums/
Julie hasn't posted here a whole lot lately.
You'll find more on Julie on the following site:
http://crossdressers.com/forums/
Julie hasn't posted here a whole lot lately.
DonnaT