Now that I am out of the closet, how do I get back in
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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Loretta Ann
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Calina,
After all that has been said here, there is yet one more side to look at. The action of her having an affair is also a control issue. If the two of you are to continue in any kind of a relationship under these circumstances, it will require that you will be the one who is the performer.
There will aways be the underlying threat that if you do not please her she will seek out another relationship. Which means it will be you who is doing the changing. If that continues it will be a thing you will come to regret.
My ex wife did that to me, I changed she did not, and after a few years I heard her tell her girl friend to leave her husband, that had worked for her, and should work for her girl friend as well. Hello!!! there!!! That is what led to the break up of my marriage.
Is that all your wife is prepared to do do make your marriage work?
What about your needs? 
Hind sight has taught me that if I were ever involved in another marriage, and my wife had an affair I would hit the road immediately, without looking back. A lesson I suspect you will be forced to learn.
After all that has been said here, there is yet one more side to look at. The action of her having an affair is also a control issue. If the two of you are to continue in any kind of a relationship under these circumstances, it will require that you will be the one who is the performer.
There will aways be the underlying threat that if you do not please her she will seek out another relationship. Which means it will be you who is doing the changing. If that continues it will be a thing you will come to regret.
My ex wife did that to me, I changed she did not, and after a few years I heard her tell her girl friend to leave her husband, that had worked for her, and should work for her girl friend as well. Hello!!! there!!! That is what led to the break up of my marriage.
Is that all your wife is prepared to do do make your marriage work?
What about your needs? Hind sight has taught me that if I were ever involved in another marriage, and my wife had an affair I would hit the road immediately, without looking back. A lesson I suspect you will be forced to learn.
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Kristen
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calina-leigh, i am sorry to hear that you have bi-polar disorder, i have it too. i have been better since my ex left me, she pushed a lot wrong buttons. Are you on medication? There are state and county programs that can help you. I went to a thepapist that charged me only $5 a session, he was bipolar too and that was a great advantage for him to relate. Anyway you can also get marital counseling from the state. You live in a state that is high on helping people get their day to day lives inorder. You could get help with your bi-polar disorder and marriage counseling real cheap or maybe even free. Hope you are manging your upies and downies well. I've been on several different meds and still go back to Lithium for a year or so then on to something else to give my kidneys and liver a chance to take a breath. I have been without an event for more than 5 years. And mare being weened from me. I'll being thinking of you and you daughter and saying a few prayers. Good luck to you and your wife. ........kristen
Do want you want to do, be who you want to be.
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Calina_Leigh
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Loretta Ann
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Calina_Leigh
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Calina_Leigh
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Jassmine(SO)
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Hi Calina,
I know I barely know you, but I accept you.
You seem like a very sweet person. Please, take some time and think about doing what is best for you. You deserve to be happy
Blessed be, my friend.
*Hugs & Love* 
I know I barely know you, but I accept you.
You seem like a very sweet person. Please, take some time and think about doing what is best for you. You deserve to be happy Blessed be, my friend.
*Hugs & Love*
Blessings Eternal, Jassmine
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
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Loretta Ann
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Calina,
Well I am nearly at a loss of what to say, You are an intelligent person with an understanding into yourself that is deeper than many I have encountered. It is hard for me to connect the things you are saying now with the things you said in the beginning of this thread, as coming from the same person.
If you have never learned to love yourself, then you have never learned to take care of yourself. Therefore you are dependent upon your wife, both to take care of herself and you, which is an impossibility. Also if you have never learned to take care of yourself you will be unable to adequately take care of your wife. And anyone who has the ability to take care of themselves would not take on the responsibility of taking care of another adult, with that kind of emotional baggage. Because it simply can not be done.
Help is out there, and it is not dependent on being able to afford it. other than the cost of purchasing books. Even then they can be purchased quite cheaply at thrift stores.
That is the route I took. It takes longer that way but it is still available.
Well I am nearly at a loss of what to say, You are an intelligent person with an understanding into yourself that is deeper than many I have encountered. It is hard for me to connect the things you are saying now with the things you said in the beginning of this thread, as coming from the same person.
If you have never learned to love yourself, then you have never learned to take care of yourself. Therefore you are dependent upon your wife, both to take care of herself and you, which is an impossibility. Also if you have never learned to take care of yourself you will be unable to adequately take care of your wife. And anyone who has the ability to take care of themselves would not take on the responsibility of taking care of another adult, with that kind of emotional baggage. Because it simply can not be done.
Help is out there, and it is not dependent on being able to afford it. other than the cost of purchasing books. Even then they can be purchased quite cheaply at thrift stores.
That is the route I took. It takes longer that way but it is still available.
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Jassmine(SO)
- Miss Golden Goddess
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- Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2004 10:13 am
- Location: Irving
Calina,
I agree with Darlene %100 as she is absolutely correct.
We here will do what we can to help you and you have all of our support, but you really do need to take the neccessary steps to help yourself.
*Hugs & Love*
Darlene wrote:Calina,
If you have never learned to love yourself, then you have never learned to take care of yourself. Therefore you are dependent upon your wife, both to take care of herself and you, which is an impossibility. Also if you have never learned to take care of yourself you will be unable to adequately take care of your wife. And anyone who has the ability to take care of themselves would not take on the responsibility of taking care of another adult, with that kind of emotional baggage. Because it simply can not be done.
Help is out there, and it is not dependent on being able to afford it. other than the cost of purchasing books. Even then they can be purchased quite cheaply at thrift stores.
I agree with Darlene %100 as she is absolutely correct.
We here will do what we can to help you and you have all of our support, but you really do need to take the neccessary steps to help yourself.
*Hugs & Love*
Blessings Eternal, Jassmine
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
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Ahzz
- Miss Platinum Goddess
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I don't mean to offend anyone but this sounds more like a fear of the unknown rather than an absolute love.
Every time I hear "I'll do anythign to keep (insert random object here)" I sigh and hope the person comes to their senses. NOTHING is worth breaking yourself into tiny peices to keep. Things are worth working for to get and keep, but not to the point of destroying yoruself, which is exactly what it sounds like is happening here.
This is especially true of love. True love is the ability to LET someone walk away if that is what is best for everyone. Holding on to something that you love just for your own needs to keep it will do nothing but destroy that love.
So what happens when you do this and many other things to make yourself acceptable to her and she eventually does walk away? What will you be left with? Probably not much of what you really are. You can communicate with her, you can help her understand and accept who you are, but you simply can not make anyone stay if they dont' want to no matter how hard you try.
Again, I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh, but sometimes reality is a b**ch and we as humans that love and care must pay the price to stay human.
Every time I hear "I'll do anythign to keep (insert random object here)" I sigh and hope the person comes to their senses. NOTHING is worth breaking yourself into tiny peices to keep. Things are worth working for to get and keep, but not to the point of destroying yoruself, which is exactly what it sounds like is happening here.
This is especially true of love. True love is the ability to LET someone walk away if that is what is best for everyone. Holding on to something that you love just for your own needs to keep it will do nothing but destroy that love.
So what happens when you do this and many other things to make yourself acceptable to her and she eventually does walk away? What will you be left with? Probably not much of what you really are. You can communicate with her, you can help her understand and accept who you are, but you simply can not make anyone stay if they dont' want to no matter how hard you try.
Again, I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh, but sometimes reality is a b**ch and we as humans that love and care must pay the price to stay human.
Sig? What sig?
OH! THIS Sig!
OH! THIS Sig!
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
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Hi girls,
Calina's story is so much like mine, I have held back saying anything. I remember that feeling of "divorce is not an option". I am sure many of you remember this. I also see the same advice going out to Calina, that went out to me.
When me and my wife were back together we went to one session of marriage counseling. As all of you know, she is having an affair also. The Psychiatrist said I couple of things that I think apply here also. He said "why are you here? You don't look like a couple that wants to be married, you look like a couple that is afraid to divorce."
I then asked him for his best advice. He said that we should both go and get personal help, we should both make ourselves happy before we tried to be in a relationship with each other.
In the end my wife was not capable of handling me making myself happy. She still wanted to control me. Within a few days I finally asked her to leave, as she was trying to prevent my happiness, and I was not going to allow that.
I see many parallels in our situations, and accepting that I was not going to have her to share my life with was a very hard pill to swallow as most of you recall.
Calina, you can not be responsible for the happiness of another person. You only have the ability to make yourself happy. If you sacrifice your happiness, it will not only not make her happy, but will also prevent your happiness.
Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear, but giving into the demands of others never satisfies them, but instead only brings more demands. or disatifcation with the current demands.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Calina's story is so much like mine, I have held back saying anything. I remember that feeling of "divorce is not an option". I am sure many of you remember this. I also see the same advice going out to Calina, that went out to me.
When me and my wife were back together we went to one session of marriage counseling. As all of you know, she is having an affair also. The Psychiatrist said I couple of things that I think apply here also. He said "why are you here? You don't look like a couple that wants to be married, you look like a couple that is afraid to divorce."
I then asked him for his best advice. He said that we should both go and get personal help, we should both make ourselves happy before we tried to be in a relationship with each other.
In the end my wife was not capable of handling me making myself happy. She still wanted to control me. Within a few days I finally asked her to leave, as she was trying to prevent my happiness, and I was not going to allow that.
I see many parallels in our situations, and accepting that I was not going to have her to share my life with was a very hard pill to swallow as most of you recall.
Calina, you can not be responsible for the happiness of another person. You only have the ability to make yourself happy. If you sacrifice your happiness, it will not only not make her happy, but will also prevent your happiness.
Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear, but giving into the demands of others never satisfies them, but instead only brings more demands. or disatifcation with the current demands.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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Loretta Ann
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- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Calina,
Yes the Internet and especially this forum provides a safe place, where people can share things about themselves, that they could not do anywhere else. Therefore it is a powerful tool, that when used right can benefit people.
What I have to say here will not be easy stuff for you to handle.
If Elizabeth's words scared you, I would like to scare you some more. It appears to me that life is about to deal you a very severe blow. People here have poured there hearts out to you, and you have a choice, heed it or carry on as you have been.
You are full of excuses as to why you can't get help, and quite frankly none of them hold any water.
We do not wish for you to suffer, but you came to us suffering. There is nothing we can do about that. We have offered advise that could lesson the amount of suffering you could be facing.
You state that you can not let this happen, Well then just what are you prepared to do about it? What makes you think that by continuing the way you have been up until now will bring you any different results, than you have experienced to date?
You can choose to ignore what we have written, and we will still support you, I am not upset with you, but there comes a time when a spade needs to be called a spade, and that time is now.
Yes the Internet and especially this forum provides a safe place, where people can share things about themselves, that they could not do anywhere else. Therefore it is a powerful tool, that when used right can benefit people.
What I have to say here will not be easy stuff for you to handle.
If Elizabeth's words scared you, I would like to scare you some more. It appears to me that life is about to deal you a very severe blow. People here have poured there hearts out to you, and you have a choice, heed it or carry on as you have been.
You are full of excuses as to why you can't get help, and quite frankly none of them hold any water.
We do not wish for you to suffer, but you came to us suffering. There is nothing we can do about that. We have offered advise that could lesson the amount of suffering you could be facing.
You state that you can not let this happen, Well then just what are you prepared to do about it? What makes you think that by continuing the way you have been up until now will bring you any different results, than you have experienced to date?
You can choose to ignore what we have written, and we will still support you, I am not upset with you, but there comes a time when a spade needs to be called a spade, and that time is now.