On being a predator

[Jassmine(SO)]

Hey Elizabeth,

I concur with everything you have written. I have also given these facts a lot of consideration while trying to figure out just where I fit into the human realm.

I very much dislike the thought of males competeing for me. I am not a prize to be won.

Women communicate with words, men communicate with looks, and intentions. Men as early predators needed to communicate silently so they could effectively hunt. As all you men know, at work, at play men communicate all the time with mere looks.

They showed a playground of school kids, the boys played with almost no verbal communication whatsoever, while showing off thier physical abilities usually with some sport or game, while the girls were in small groups talking.

Again, I just don't fit these statements. I would much rather be competing in a sport or game than sitting and chatting. I very much dislike Tupperware and other such parties. They are just not my bag. I would much rather be playing baseball or some other sport. I also tend to communicate more with looks and facial expressions than speaking.

I think that because our feminine side is so prevelant, us crossdressers are probably all non-aggressive in our pursuit of women.

I do believe that you have hit on one of the reasons why I am drawn to CDers. Ahzz is strong yet non-aggressive, loving without being possessive, and he is very much "in touch" with his emotions. For me he is the perfect match

Now, if I could just figure out where my place in the universe is......

*Hugs & Love*

[CJ]

Hi all,

Celia,

Thanks for your input! We may not be so different, you and I. I do, in fact, have a strong emotional response to a person's face, especially to her eyes (and to what lives behind them). But, when my (male) friends point to an attractive woman walking down the street, over there, and say, "Wow! Would you look at that!" I draw a blank. Okay, she's dressed in a very appealing way... but that tells me absolutely nothing about her. Now, it's different if that same woman is standing before me and we're chatting amiably and she actually looks into my eyes when we're talking (I have a bit of trouble connecting properly with people who don't look at me when they're talking to me; this is something I'm trying to work on, given that most of my clients are uncomfortable with eye contact). I do get an emotional response and I can sense an interest from the geography of a person's face and the intensity of her gaze, along with her body language. But, again, this response is not automatically the first thing I'll be looking for. (I can hear some of you groan in the peanut gallery: "Okay CJ, suit yourself, but stop complaining that you're single!" ) Like Elizabeth, I'm aware that the women I've known and that I've been partnered with in my life have usually been the initiators, the pursuers, the more assertive half of our relationship (when relationship there was). I'm fine with that. I'm okay with my own gentleness (okay, submissiveness). And I do admire assertive women; they match well my own personality. The thing about signals of interest is that, while they may be a necessary condition for this nascent relationship (or even friendship) to go further, they're not a sufficient condition, for me. I need to know if there's a certain compatibility there, a je-ne-sais-quoi, beyond mere physical attraction. I've only ever had one "one-night stand" in my life, and it was a complete disaster for me (emotionally, not physically). I want to be able to enjoy thinking (or feeling) with my mind, not with my genitals, when it comes to discovering another human being. I'm not denying my "animal urges" (Lord knows I have 'em!), but I look to a person's soul, first. My animal urges will be there, waiting, when they're needed (well, I'm hoping, anyway! ). This is just who I am. Again, I'm okay with that. Still... where are all these assertive women? I want to know!

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

CJ,

You ask where are these assertive women? Could it be that many of them have found what they are looking for?

For me once I learned how to be assertive, I found that I have not much of an interest in those who are not. I am not attracted to them. I am not sure if they would feel the same way?

[Gelinda]

well, I agree that Men control with there eyes. I control my kids with my eyes. I do not have to do anything most of the time just look and they and others I deal with know I mean business. I can't stand people that will not look you in the eye when making deals. I will not deal with car sales people that will not do it or any other sales people for that matter.

Most of the business woman I know will look you in the eye when doing business. That is how I know I am not being lied too most lier's can't look into your eyes as they are doing it.

Gee

[Celia]

I might have given the wrong idea, CJ. In the old game of attraction and pursuit, I may feel attraction, but I almost never engage in pursuit--it just feels like the most unnatural thing on Earth, like a person trying to give an upbeat sales pitch after someone has planted a habanera up his fundament. I'm not really talking about signs of interest; I'm really talking about what strikes me as beautiful, in a visual sense. Ironically, the women that to me have such acute visual appeal are probably the last ones I would actually seek to have a relationship with. One doesn't ask a goddess to dance. The phrase "out of my league" comes to mind.

I'm not really talking so much about an overtly sexual attraction, either. Like so many other heterosexual males, I find an enormous variety of women to be attractive in sexual terms. I'm talking instead about those few who--for whatever reason--seem like some privileged glimpse of Heaven to behold.

I guess what I'm asking is whether you've ever looked upon a woman and found her to be so mesmerizingly, devastatingly beautiful that you've found yourself feeling dazed and incoherent. Have you ever been struck by that speeding, triple-decker bus of instant infatuation?

Yours,
Celia

[CJ]

Hi all,

Darlene,

You may have a point (although I certainly hope not! ). It's possible that many assertive women have found what they're looking for (after all, getting what you want often goes hand in hand with being assertive). I'm just thinking it can't be that all of them have found it: I'm still here, and I'm still single! You know, I joke about this a lot, but the fact is, I'm not necessarily submissive (or non-assertive) in every sphere of my life. So I often wind up asking myself this: do I really want to be in a relationship? Because, it seems to me, if being partnered were truly a pressing issue, a priority, for me, I would, indeed, be in a relationship, by now. Hmph! Go figure!

Celia,

Okay, I see what you're saying. I answer honestly when I say, No, this has never happened to me, this instant infatuation. Typically, infatuation grows, for me, only once I've come to know the person. Of course, I've seen women that are so achingly beautiful that they've managed to "void" my mind of all thoughts and to make my heart forget itself. Probably, drool happened, too. But (and it's a huge "but"!), their beauty always seems, well, remote, unapproachable, like that found in the flat yet glossy pages of a fashion magazine. To me, a woman like this is a walking, talking, breathing fantasy--but a fantasy, nonetheless. I know it's not fair to her--to her underlying humanity--to think like this, but I can't help but feel that she holds up her looks as a shield, in pretty much the same way I've been accused (rightly, I think) of holding up my intellect as a shield. It's mesmerizing, yes, but it's also a little off-putting. I can't help but wonder, now where will this angel fit in the world of common mortals? Oh, and by the way, I feel this way about achingly beautiful men, too--it has little to do, as you yourself said, with sexual attraction.

I'm 43 years old and I've only ever been truly, madly, deeply in love once in my life. I had not known this woman as anything other than a good friend when, one morning about three months after our first meeting, I woke up completely confused... as though her very soul had haunted my dreams all night long. Thoughts of her lingered well into the day. When I next saw her, I knew, I just knew deep down in my own soul, that she was, in fact, that missing part of myself that I'd unconsciously been searching for all my life (I was 26, at the time). Needless to say, I proceeded to make a complete fool of myself (oh! but what a happy fool was I!) over the course of the following months (and I'll spare you the details). See, this is how it happens for me: once I've glimpsed the beauty and the splendour that radiates from a person's being--something the skin can't hide, any more than can physical beauty or homeliness--I'm hooked. This is what infatuation is, to me. Of course, I don't always act on it (or "pursue," in your own terms), but it's there. With the one woman who, so far, has been my one true love, I did pursue. Boy, did I ever! And, yes, I could never see our relationship as not including my newfound desire to be physically close to her--a desire so strong and deep it was almost spiritual, in a way. Alas! There was no reciprocation in this regard on her part (not back then, anyway).

So, all this to say that, yes, beauty strikes me. But inner beauty strikes me more. Yes, I feel a physical attraction for women--I am heterosexual, after all. But I will pursue something much more intangible than beauty, something a lot less noticeable than angelic femininity, something I can only see when I look past the flesh, past the bone: the mindbodyheartsoulbeing of a woman. I can only see that once I've gotten to know her a bit better than a mere glimpse of Heaven can afford. I guess I am a predator, after all. Just call me a romantic predator!

Love,
CJ

[Lorna]

Hi CJ,

EXCELLENT thread!! Most men are definitely predators by nature, and yes I am an alien!

Physical attraction and lust may be one thing, but the way some men carry on & act the fool when approaching women just turns my stomach. Some men will immediately open in with the filthy innuendos and expect a woman to swoon. It just doesn’t work that way.

I was at a bar in Chelsea on a quiet night chatting with a GG I had just met that night. This guy walked in wearing a greasy t-shirt and smelled like he was working on cars all day & all evening. There as also already a strong presence of booze on his breath. He walked up to the both of us and said that he thought we were sexy and if we wanted to go to his apartment to fool around! Can you believe that??

First off, I don’t know you from a hole in the wall. Second – even though I’m flattered by compliments & flirting I'm just not attracted to men. Third – what woman would respond positively to THAT approach? Fourth – you could at least put on a clean shirt before approaching a woman.

So she & I brushed him off & continued our conversation. He then reached down & grabbed by butt! I got very angry. I stood up, towering over him in my heels and said, “If you touch me again, I will break your arm. Get it?” He finally got the message & walked away.

My heart goes out to GGs everywhere. It’s sad that sometimes a woman has to be a real B**** in order to get an undesired person away from you.

[Beauty]

Ahem.. this post revs up.. so if you are seated be prepared to have your monitor smoking at the end.

I am who I am chastising here really. Lots of the things being typed about romance are rather bogus to me. Great to haves, but they come with compromise. Compromise = relationship. (I originally had that surprise at the end, but I think it's better that I put it at the top)

Regardless, I need clarification here. I'm getting confused and nauseated.

I wish some of the SOs would chime in. I've had girl friends more than boy friends all my life, like most of us have. They don't act the way we do about women. My perception, which is what I need clarification on because I'm going to bust a gut by holding in my puke is about. My perception is that by not being a "predator" you are more womanlike? My wife eyed me like a predator and she went after me in a feline way. She knew what she wanted and the hunt was successful.

Men who behave like the man the approached Lorna and her friend aren't predators, that gives a sense of intelligence. Those men are bums or jerks.

This is a picture of the guy some of you are describing to me. (from the movie Bedazzled)


He's a romantic guy. He cries at the sunrise and sunsets. He writes poetry and sings songs. He's also BORING!!!

If we know ourselves so well, is there really any mystery about us anymore? What is there for a woman to be attracted to? Poetry? Songs? How much we can love her in a non-physical way? You're killin' me! Ok, not killin' me, but you're killin' me.. Oh great there I go again.

Questions, questions, and more questions:
So what gives? Are you a romantic person for yourself or for the one you want to be attracted to you. Attraction is a gateway to interest not some lustful bliss that elongates or prolongs a bad relationship forever. It shouldn't be talked about as a violation.

Do you think women are attracted to the line of "I don't look at a woman for what is on the outside." ? That's the first line a predator uses or emotes. My male friends always used that line and I couldn't stand them for other lies they'd tell. I'd say to them, "Hey!! You can't pretend to be me!!" They'd laugh and say, "Watch"

Do you realize because you just want to be you and you realize that no one, man or woman would be attracted to someone all the time who was always freaggin' romantic?

Do you think that women act this way? What in haymarket are you thinking?

Ok. I cut it off (that's scary considering how long this was, no?) The rest was rather raw and I don't want anyone thinking I'm flaming them.I just need to understand how this helps you get someone special in your life or if you care.

I do love you all, but that doesn't mean you can't push my buttons sometimes. Being overly romantic (not that there's anything wrong with that) pushes them like a kid in a store with brightly colored push buttons.

Beauty

[Lorna]

Regardless, I need clarification here. I'm getting confused and nauseated.

Yikes!! But I hear you though, hon...

I don't think that's what the gals here meant at all... I happen to know (as I'm sure we all do) from personal experience that no woman wants a sniveling little wus. There IS a difference. Being a gentleman does not necessarily mean giving up your backbone.

Eddie Murphy said it best back in the late 80s when he did Raw: "Would you rather a man say 'Oh darling I want to make love to you' or would you rather say, '**** the **** out of me!' "

Men who behave like the man the approached Lorna and her friend aren't predators, that gives a sense of intelligence. Those men are bums or jerks.

Not only jerks, but jerks cruisin' for a beating...

[CJ]

Hi all,

Good point, Beauty (and it's one you've raised before, I know)!

I never said I thought women acted, or behaved, that way; I did say, however, that I do.

Peace,
CJ

[Curly(SO)]

I'm in agreement with Sharon. Yes we love a bit of romance but that would be boring all the time! A bit of romance when you are not expecting it is far more exciting.

Ed's first line to me was "you are one fit woman!" Hardly romantic, but I loved it and wanted to hear more! Of course, the other stuff about getting to know each other's souls soon followed over the next few weeks. Funnily enough, during that first conversation, Ed did tell me he wrote poetry...now that WAS a line! (He wasn't taking any chances, hitting me with the two approaches )We've been together nearly five years and I have yet to see a poem!

If you are attracted enough to someone, then I think it's going to bring out the predator in you, regardless of what gender you are. I am not a naturally dominant type of person, but when I want something I will go for it as aggressively as the next person. Men and women, IMO, have far more similarities than differences.
It's been fun reading this topic!

Love,
Curly(SO)