Destroying Time for Me, Myself, and CD

[Gelinda]

Well, I came to the realization that it is again time to attempt to destroy the CD within me. I have had these feels and internal fight for awhile. The internal fight to me a man's man and not be weak within. I can't understand these things about myself or what we all are in different ways.

I thought I had come to grips with this and was ok with it. But I am feeling that I am not truly a man anymore. I do believe it is what helped me to be such a good sniper many years ago, not that I realized that is what it was that allowed me to be so stealth and be able to have such patience. I do not have any patience in my normal life so why could I have it then. Who Knows but the Lord above.

So I have boxed up all my stuff, But I am not destroying it or giving it away as before. I will hold on too it in a special place for when the time comes on me again.

I will be on this board not that it would matter but I will be checking the board as much as always. Gee

[Beauty]

Hi Gelinda,

Very wise idea to just box it and put it away. We'll be here when you get back.

What got you here? Meaning why did you go, "I don't have the grip on this I thought I did."?

Take as much time as you need, ok? I'm glad you still be reading the board and coming here.

Beauty

[Dixie Darling]

Gelinda,

I don't want to sound negative here, but being a crossdresser is NOT a deterent to being a man. You said you couldn't understand these things about yourself and why you're different. Well guess what. . . . nobody really undrstands it, and that includes the professional community. But that doesn't mean that it's a bad thing or that it makes you a 'weaker' person simply because you're a crossdresser. My opinion is that you're actually a STRONGER person for admitting to yourself and others that you're a CD. Think about it - if 10% of the male population (that's the estimate which is pretty much widely accepted) are crossdressers, that's a lot of people. And out of that 10% how many of them do you think have had the intestinal fortitude to accept themselves and/or be accepted by others? Those who have done so are a minority within a minority and they're the ones who are the "pioneers" for those who haven't managed to work up the courage to accept themselves.

YOU, on the other side of the coin, have summoned up your internal courage and have gone PAST accepting yourself and have experienced what that acceptance can bring. That's way beyond what the majority of guys would do so you can take a certain satisfaction in the fact that you've done that. A "man's man"?????? I've been referred to as such in the past and it doesn't mean a thing to me. What's important is to BE the person you feel you are, and let that person express themself in a non-destructive manner. Denying part of one's personality can only cause stress and discontent.

I commend you on boxing up your feminine 'equipment' and saving it rather than just getting rid of it. That shows intelligence on your part because most of us can assure you that "she" will be back again, and when she does come back she'll be stronger than she was before.

Dixie
http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Kristen]

Gelinda, I can feel the frustration in your post, I wish I could help. Take care of yourself, we are all with you in any descsion that you make . Hugs and kisses, heavy on the hugs......Kristen

[Lorna]

Hi Gelinda,

Whatever you decide to do, just make sure that you go at your own pace and do not feel pressured by anyone to rush into anything either which way. Putting your clothes aside is much better than throwing them away altogether. The bottom line is whether you want to dress or not, you deserve to be happy and we'll always be here for you.

[Anita]

Hi Gelina--
Certainly I had to change my ideas about what it meant to be a man when CDing happened. But I had already been doing that for many years before it came up. I was never really satisfied with the "act" I had to do, and I'm sure you've had your problems with the acting, too. I enlisted in the army to be a paratrooper; I'm sure I would have been a good one, too, but it didn't change the fact that the "girl" was inside of me even then.
(A wool allergy kept me from that "adventure.")

I didn't act her out very much, but I had to make some allowances for her. The same way that you can be always on time for work, but know that you'd rather lay in bed all morning. I didn't figure my inner world would ever need any explaining to anyone else. I was wrong, on that one.

You may or may not want to continue reading here. Only time will tell on that, but at least you're not condemning us, or yourself, for this. Least I hope you're not down on yourself about it. You have to take a step or two back, maybe, and that's what you're doing.

My thoughts will be with you.
A

[SophieLawson]

So glad your not throwing anything away!

Hope you are happy happy happy, but like some of the other girls have said, dressing isn't bad It's just a hobbie

Sophie xx

[Merinda]

Hi Gelinda ,

I have a large purple plastic container and lid sitting in a cupboard under the house , this is in readiness for when I need to take a long vacation from CDing.

We all go through the confusion , not interested stage and need time away.
Pack your gear away and forget it exists , go out and enjoy life in other ways and when the urge returns your gear will be there for you.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Gelinda,

May you travel well on the road of your choosing. We like you for who you are; your current feelings won't change this. I wish you strength, courage, and peace in your soul, regardless of what you decide to do. Remember, as was said above, we'll be here if need be.

Love,
CJ

[Gelinda]

Thanks Everyone:

I think I need to explain a little deeper but without much detail which I would not have to remember but can't seem to clear from my mind even after 25 years.

I have Post=partum from Vietnam, It seems that when the nightmares and the faces show up, that one of the things that helps me to clear the nightmares is doing away with all problems and stress as best as I can. So one of them is the CD dressing weird I know for that part of me made me a better sniper, I believe but I am not going to go to a doctor unless these do not go away for a minimum of a two weeks. Or I get were I can sleep at all.

I will be on the board most likely more now as it is part of my cure for my self cure. Thanks a million for being here.

Gelinda.

[Kathy]

Gelinda,

I don't want to sound negative here, but being a crossdresser is NOT a deterent to being a man. You said you couldn't understand these things about yourself and why you're different. Well guess what. . . . nobody really undrstands it, and that includes the professional community. But that doesn't mean that it's a bad thing or that it makes you a 'weaker' person simply because you're a crossdresser. My opinion is that you're actually a STRONGER person for admitting to yourself and others that you're a CD. Think about it - if 10% of the male population (that's the estimate which is pretty much widely accepted) are crossdressers, that's a lot of people. And out of that 10% how many of them do you think have had the intestinal fortitude to accept themselves and/or be accepted by others? Those who have done so are a minority within a minority and they're the ones who are the "pioneers" for those who haven't managed to work up the courage to accept themselves.

YOU, on the other side of the coin, have summoned up your internal courage and have gone PAST accepting yourself and have experienced what that acceptance can bring. That's way beyond what the majority of guys would do so you can take a certain satisfaction in the fact that you've done that. A "man's man"?????? I've been referred to as such in the past and it doesn't mean a thing to me. What's important is to BE the person you feel you are, and let that person express themself in a non-destructive manner. Denying part of one's personality can only cause stress and discontent.

I agree 100% with what Dixie says here.

I commend you on boxing up your feminine 'equipment' and saving it rather than just getting rid of it. That shows intelligence on your part because most of us can assure you that "she" will be back again, and when she does come back she'll be stronger than she was before.

This last part I'm going to take a "wait and see" attitude on. A few weeks ago I would have agreed with that as well. But, in my case, I'm just not so sure any more.

Through the series of discussions I had with you all here on this board, pieces started clicking into place in my mind. When Gaby Romani announced that she had "lost the feeling", her post caused the final pieces to click for me as well.

In the past, when I went into a "dry spell", there was always a part of me that remained interested. I was always "window shopping" whether in a store or looking at catalogs or just watching women on the street to see what they were wearing.

This time feels different. I simply have no interest in feminine things any more. No "window shopping" of any kind.

Will the "feeling" return? Right now I have my doubts but I won't say no. Only time will tell.

Gelinda, you need only look at how many CDs are police officers, firefighters, in military service, etc. to know that CDing has nothing to do with how much of a man you are. You can be as much of a man as you desire to be. But, it is up to you to decide how much that is. Only you can know who you are. I do know that to kill the CD within you would mean killing a significant part of who you are.

Even in my situation, I know that the CD part of me is still a part of who I am. It just doesn't have a need to express itself, at least for now.

[Virginia]

Gelinda,
God Speed! I know it is not easy, having been a Naval Aviator. Some of us take different roads and perhaps this is not the road for you right now. I can only hope that should you unpack "Gelinda" in the future "she" will come back to us and can be assured that she will be welcomed with open arms, empathy and love!
Thanks for your participation in this forum, you have given a lot os us things to think about for quite a while.
All my love,
Virginia

[Sally]

Hello Gelinda,

It's quite a common occurrence for people to find themselves crossdressing more when they are under stress and also to develop issues with their crossdressing. Stressful times seems to increase the intensity and frequency of crossdressing with some people. For others it can have the opposite effect. It's often the case where some people find themselves in stressful situations, that they escape from the male into the female, that's where they find comfort and feel safe and secure during times of stress. For others it can have the effect of wanting to completely purge abandon any feminine image.

This doesn't mean in any way whatsoever that they are any less male. I would suggest that many more people than first thought have both a male and female side. It's a matter of finding the right balance for each gender image, that's the big challenge. As a person who has just about travelled the full journey I can say that now that I have found my destiny in the female side, the biggest challenge is not faced by us TS's, but by the M/F CD. I say this because I've experienced both sides and whilst my gender shift has completed, the Crossdresser has an on going issue and finding the correct suitable balance of the two gender images, can be no easy task.

What I can say for sure though is that for many people, using the escape into the female during times of stress as therapy, is far more productive than either drugs or alcohol are for combating stress.

It can often be useful to examine some of the issues surrounding us. Such as do we have a choice of what we do, is it compulsive or is it us expressing who we are or is it a true part of our being. What part does it play in our life, how has it changed over time and does it control us or are we in control of it. It's quite common for our conscious not to be aware of what the unconscious is doing. It can happen that the satisfaction a person gets from the feminine outweighs the satisfaction from the male side and an unconscious conflict occurs. They find the two are competing instead of working together and it's often the case that the feminine wins out and takes control which leaves the person believing they are becoming less of a ' man's man ' as you put it.

Once the female starts to unconsciouly take over it can be quite stressful in itself trying to stop it, because that's where the psyche naturally wants to go. That's where the comfort, safety and security is. That's where all the worries and responsibilities of the male can be forgotten and put aside, even if just temporarily. If someone wants to keep the two sides separate then in these times they have to consciously work on the masculine side and to also get the feminine and masculine working together, not pulling against each other, as this is where the origin of many problem issues are hatched.

I've never been able to come to understand why I am the person I am and I no longer even try. What is important I believe, is that we come to terms with who we are and spend time finding ways we can improve our quality of life, especially emotionally, because for the majority we will never change who we are. It was all set out in the original blue print and that's just how it is and we either accept that and balance our life so that we derive the best we can for ourselves and for those who matter to us or else we sink into emotional oblivion, which not only effects our life for the worse but also for those who matter most to us.

My deepest heartfelt wishes go out to you as I realise you have more issues to deal with than most of us in relation to your Vietnam experiences and we cannot begin to know the effects it's all had on you. I can only offer you the hand of friendship and say to you, along with everyone else, that I'm here if ever you feel the need to correspond on any issues which are stressing your life, don't hesitate.

My Kindest Regards.

Sally.