I think it's kind of like a few other said here, "It's not my gig to judge a parents decisions about telling their children about CD'ing."
I think Elizabeth will kind of lead us as to how this affects her children. She has several children (varying in age) so I think she will show us a year or more how things are working out. It will be GREAT counsel for those who are considering when or if.
I also believe right now Elizabeth you're in the first year of acceptance of self and that tends to be the time when we are the most overt with everything. I have regrets from when I was doing that with my wife, but at the same time I don't because I was being me and who I felt I needed to be.
So, yeah.. as a human and a CD'r who's seen the cycles we go through I do wonder if you will change your mind about telling the younger one, but more than that honestly I hope it's totally cool to tell a 10 year old and have his friends know.
I think you're in a big city so it's a different gig for you than those who live in smaller areas where a child would feel like his parent is the only parent in the world who does that.
Anyway, I thought this and it was just too much to keep in. I hope it wasn't offensive Elizabeth. What I'm not saying is, "You are just starting to accept yourself and you may regret this sooo much later." What I am saying is, "You are just starting to accept yourself and it will be interesting to see if you decide later if you would have done the same thing, but changed your approach?" Your wisdom from experience after a year or so will be a huge boon for those who are looking for support on this very issue.
You are correct in many of your accessments. First, I not only live in a big city, but a very liberal city, perhaps one of the most liberal in the US. Also because I don't live in a small town, I can always move my kids to another school, and to a different apartment if things go bad. An option not available to those who live in smaller communities, or own a home. I also don't work so I don't have to worry about being outted at work.
It gives me a lot of wiggle room that others really don't have. It allows me to take risks that are not available to others. I may not be a good example for this reason. Also, I have always been a risk taker and a very upfront person as far as confronting my troubles, or opportunities.
I see this as an incredible opportunity that most crossdressers are not lucky enough to have. It is my intention to make the most of it, while doing the things that I beleive are correct. I just can not lie about this anymore. If I get well enough to return to work, I do not know how I will deal with this. I have pretty much just decided I would cross that bridge when I get to it.
If it turns out that I only get to live a part of my life completely out of the closet, I will at least have done it. But having done it, I can tell you, I don't ever want to go back to hiding who I am. Not saying I will not be compelled to. but I certainly will try to avoid it.
well i have 3 kids but i think there to young to understand it
i'll tell them when there old enought to understand so i can explain it to them '
So they dont get the idea i'm weard and that they grow up thinking my dads a weardo better not take any friends home
but i dont dress when other people are around and not in front of my childeren
for me its realy personal
I do hope they will understand later on and learn to accept me as i am
I teach them now not to judge people on there apearance or skin color or wathever hoping they will grow up with an open mind and vieuw
Aim for heaven because if you miss your target you end up among the stars
Hi Calina--
I'm not a parent. I have have to deal with this issue to some extent, because one of my ex-girlfriends has a little boy that I serve as "uncle" to--I'm very important to him. He was six the year I came out in public. I had to make a decision on what to do.
I decided I needed to tell him, because I do perform in public as a woman. Maybe he wouldn't have paid any attention to this until he was much older, but I wasn't going to take any chances. He needed to know me as I am.
There are private issues in our lives that our children don't need to know about. The fact that I crossdressed in my teens is a private fact about me. No one needed to know that, although I told some SOs over the years. But if I'm dressing in public, then it's no longer a private issue, and if I don't tell someone, then it's a secret. I didn't want to have secrets from him.
I used Halloween as the night I showed up dressed, and we all went to a cafe where I performed. I wanted to show him that this could fit into a setting with other people around.
Since then, he's seen one other performance, last year. He did not feel good that night, and they left early. He has never said whether it's related to me or not. It hasn't changed how he relates to my male self, but he's a sensitive little boy, very intelligent, and I know he has thoughts and opinions about it. I don't feel it's my place to ask him about this. If I were his parent, I might, but I'm not. If he really wants to know something, he'll ask me.
OK--all that leads up to parent decisions, which are a lot more involved. I think it's the hardest decision any of us will ever make, and that includes coming out to wife or friends.
I can only come from the heart here. I would raise my children to accept this from the beginning. It might still upset them when they become old enough to understand, but I'm remembering my own child self. I personally would have been more upset to find out about my father when I was older.
And this does not guarantee your child will grow up tolerant, either. They may not accept you. That is not the reason I would do it. I would do it so they know who their parent is, and have the trust in this established.
My own trust would have been hurt very badly by learning this at say, 6 or older. I have to respect my own childhood feelings here; as has been noted, we can't ask our own children, if we have them. The decision is ours.
Second part of this is that I would not expect the child to then keep the secret. Really little children aren't capable of this anyway. So it seems to me that if you choose this option, you have to be willing to be outed. That's a big challenge to take on, and not an easy decision.
Your child risks being teased and ridiculed at any age that they find out. I know that many say that if the child is older, they can choose whether they want to tell others or not. But to me, that's putting the burden of the "secret" on them, and I would not want to do that. I was teased for things my parents did, and I survived it. It's not fun, but that's childhood.
I'm not trying to be contrary to others here. If I didn't really feel this, I certainly wouldn't be posting it just as devil's advocate. Like Lorna, I'm reacting to how I was raised. In some ways, it was hell. But my parents were always honest with me, and that's such a fundamental need in me that I have to put my two cents in here.
I hope I did not give the impression I made this decision easily. It was years, months, weeks, days of grueling over how I would want to be treated. Since my dad was a pedophile who raped all my sisters, and I had grown up with suspicions, but never any proof, it was not a great shock to find out, and yet it was.
I have decided that the truth must rule. Only the truth can be defended. My wife has been threatening me for years to out me, not only about crossdressing but other embaarrassing things that I will not discuss here, because well? It is embarrassing. But I finally decided that I will not be held hostage any longer. Not to my lies and secrets, nor anyone elses.
My kids now know all the bad and embarrassing things about me. I am no longer afraid of the truth coming out. My oldest son told everyone about me. My 13 year old was outted at school by someone who seen us in the Mall together. Nothing really came of it. It is my beleif that just as the fear of what would happen if everyone knew about me was worse than everyone knowing about me, I just don't think my kids would understand later how I could preach about being honest and having everything on the table, but then not have everything on the table myself. I have already made that mistake.
I would rather be judged for what I am, than the fear of what will happen if my kids know. I just don't see how in the long run, the truth can hurt them. If somone can tell me how, I would like to listen and consider it. But saying that they might get made fun of , is just not enough reason. Kids get made fun of no matter what. Especially if they are smart, in band, get good grades and don't have designer clothes.
First in Calina's case we are talking about a 5 or 6 year old. As children grow and become educated they become ready for more, they are no different than you. Dumping the finished product on someone before they are ready can destroy some people. Today you are dealing with things you were unable to deal with just a short time ago. One can not get from A to Z in one step, it is a process, a journey if you will.
As you have pointed out every one who has seen you dressed, is not accepting of you, even though they have not done or said anything to you that would indicate other wise. There are those in this world who do and say things that one is not aware of that may cause difficulty later on. usually one never finds out who these people are. they usually pose themselves as friends. (Having said that there are ways of finding out who some of them are),. But in most cases doors will not open for you because of the actions of these people, and you never know it.
I am not criticizing the road you are taking, you have become aware of some very important truths, that are necessary, but you are traveling a road you have not traveled before. There will be things to learn about that journey that you will have to learn as you go. As Beauty has pointed out there will be some reflection once you are past this. Your kids are the same there will be some reflection once they are past this. Until then they like you will deal with it the best way they know how.
I was aware of your daughters age I am sorry I was not clearer, but I was thinking and referring to the age she will be when she begins school, and begins to interact with strangers, Where it could be to much for her to deal with.
Children as a rule grow up believing that there Dad and Mom are the best, and can do no wrong. It is not something you need to work at.
The difficult time begins when the child begins to realize that they were wrong about that.
Thanks for you imput, and I agree that I am on a road I have never traveled, but one can always say that. I never know what the future is going to bring. I can only guess.
I do agree that there can be, and most certainly will be unforseen pitfalls that will/could have negative consequences that I am not able to foresee now.
I have read as much as I could find on this subject and there is not a clear consensus. That is why I made the decision that the truth must rule the day. Because no matter what happens? I can defend telling the truth.
I know that this may not turn out to be the optimum thing to do, but for me it seems that it has the highest chance of the least negative consequences for long term.
Of all the bad things that I can think of happening, they are all compounded if they happen and my kids do not have the truth. I can not really think of one bad thing that might come of this, where them not knowing the truth about me, will improve the situation. I just don't beleive in "Plausable deniability".
If you can be more specific about things you have considered that have happened, or might happen where my kids not knowing would be helpful, I would be grateful for you presenting them here. I am not above rationalizing things to the point of hiding the truth from myself. The more details the better.
I don't want to get into guessing what might happen down the road as each one of your kids are different and you will likely receive different responses from each of them.
You are no different from me in that once we become unhappy with where the actions of our past have got us, we tend to go to the extreme in the other direction. I think that is necessary. I don't think that can be avoided. That is how I learned. We need to test this out, and after a spell we will shift to something more towards the middle.
Being as how I am able to adequately enrich my life with out the need to go out in public fe-male-ing, I have not walked the road you are taking by letting the world know who you are. So I have not experienced anything negative in that specific area. One thing I try to think about, is that extremes in any area can be unhealthy, and I like to let that have some control over what I do.
