Potential Altercations: How to Handle Them

[Lorna]

I have posted every so often about altercations I have had with closed-minded jerks in the past when I have stepped out (yes, I'm afraid that even here in NY you get one or two of those)

On Friday I had another run-in with some older dude - the guy was in his 50s, (I estimate he was about my height w/o my heels) fairly stocky, greying beard, looking like a Hell's Angel reject.

Anyway, every story is the same. Whenever a random jerk appears at the bar they feel the need to piss off and try to intimidate everyone in their path. When will people learn? On this night I was talking to one of my GG friends by the bar and he walked past. The man was already quite drunk, and tried to jump in between my GG friend and I. (I guess he was trying to pick us up)

Anyway, after having heard my voice he had me figured out. He then looked at me and said "I've been in prison for 20 years, and in that time I've been ****ing queens just like you."

I was initially too shocked to try and react immediately. But then again I do have plenty of experience in dealing with jerks, not only due to my skin color but for my CDing as well. I am immune to fear. I fear NO ONE.

I looked him dead in his eye and said to him, "Don't let my appearance fool you. Don't think for one second that I can't kick the **** out of you where you stand." But I was totally calm and collected when I said that. In fact I gave him a smile after I said that!

And he backed off!! And the SOB walked away.

At any rate, he was not immediately escorted out of the place but for the rest of the night I chose to ignore him - I was just hanging out with my friends and having a good time.

The bottom line is - I've been in so many confrontational situations in my 32 years that I decided that it's best to pick your battles. Now, many times when I hear comments from a jerk I will just slough it off. There's really no sense in getting myself riled up every single time.

Plus I really didn't want to risk messing up my wig...

I just wanted to pass this on ladies: if you have the opportunity to walk away from a jerk and you feel that it's not worth the confrontation, then just do that. Many a night there will be a bunch of loud young kids hanging out in front of Penn Station when I'm heading home at the end of the night and I just ignore the ones who have something to say to me. I know that I have nothing to prove because I FEAR NO ONE. Point a gun at my face and I will NOT wet myself. But at this point I have decided that if I can get out of a fight gracefully then I will do that.

[Sandi]

Bravo and well said Lorna.
Hugs Sandi

[Calina_Leigh]

GO LORNA!!!!!!!!

I always fear that I will get into a situation and really don't know what I would do about it. Fortunetly or unfortunetly, I have not been in a fight since High school. Even then, with the exception of two, I have never won. I have never been a fighter but now having a daughter, if for one moment I thought she was in harms way, I would fight that person to the death if need be. I am glad that you are such a strong person to deal with an @-hole like that.

[Lorna]

Thanks, ladies!!!

Plus I now want Lorna to be a lover, not a fighter...

[Calina_Leigh]

I agree it is better to be a lover not a fighter, but a ladies got to defend herself if it ever is nessasary. Maybe it would teach that person some respect.

[Mellissa]

wise lesson Lorna i have learned myself over the years
With my natural red hair and fairly female build i always get harrased by other guys
I always faced them head on with fists blazing so i had my share of fights
I went and learned tae kwon do the weard thing was as i learned how to kick some ones backside realy good i also learned how to restrain myself from fighting
And yes mostley its better just to ignore them and walk away
They are just not worth it
And biggots are every where they only need a reason to bug you it can be anything skin color gay haircolor build you name it they'll use it as an excuse
I dont know how it must have been for you couse i'm white so never had to deal with racism becouse i was black (but i think it must have been realy hard on you)
So youre one strong sister and dont ever change couse i think youre a wondrful person
Walk tall with your head up high and dont let biggots like that ruin your fun
and after reading your story i think they dont stand a chance hahaha

Just remember there still people who dont care what color you are or how you dress or whatever

BIG HUG Mellissa

[Merinda]

Well said Lorna,

My father says " if your big you use your fists" , " if your small you use your brains".

[Virginia]

Lorna,
Honey, I had a "Kung Fu" sensi who constantly told us - "It takes more guts to walk away from a fight than to fight." As Mellissa said, martial arts are great, but after you reach a certain level you begin to figure out that it combines with what Merinda also said, just use your head not your body. I now from my experiences and I think that Mellissa can identify with it, at first you have the "eight feet tall and bulletproof" attitude, but in reality, it is kinda of scary when you know that with one move you could seriously injury someone or worse and it really is a challlenge to try and talk you way out of a confirmtation.
Love ya,
Virginia

[Jessie]

I have spent most my life avoiding confration (that includes my parents) if I can. I was called many names in grade school threw high school but I did mostly as Lorna says (you go girl) I walked away from confration and let it roll off my back (just like water off a ducks back). I only had one time in collage that I got mad enough to pick a fight and that was only do to the fact that I was to drunk to walk away so I figure fighting was my only other choice. Let me tell you never pick a fight when your drunk it is around 30 degrees out and your only wearing shorts and t-shirt (snow is cold)

Jessie

[SophieLawson]

Brave Lorna, I would just have ignored him and carried on talking to my friend. If he threw a punch or anything, give him a good smack with ya handbag

Sophie xx

[Marda]

Lorna,
~
Are you really, really sure about that ??? You Fear Noone ???
["Cut" ... "to the chase" ...]
~
Lorna, you're afraid of yourself ! And that's why you're getting freaked out ... because there's noone outside yourself to punch in the face for all the pain you're feeling !
~
Everyone of those "confrontational" situations you've "attracted" is a product of your personal payload of frustration and anxiety !
~
Go ahead ... Prove To Me I'm Wrong !
~
[no charge]

/Marda

[Lorna]

Marda, I would strongly suggest that you clarify yourself.

If you're somehow insinuating that I started this situation, then just do me a favor and just come right out and say it.

[Beauty]

Hello,



The Doctor is quite worried this topic could now cause a fever.

Marda, if what you said is at is stated I believe it should have been discussed in private since your feelings where so strong, and read like it was written without compassion and even a bit bold. Since those were all things that are necessarily negative, but aren't positive and they were directed about Lorna personally it's a fine line. However, being that I've never seen your purposefully ever try to hurt anyone on this forum I've inserted the benefit of the doubt in my mind and will wait for you to clear it up.

Lorna the Doctor is very pleased with your response and you've been given the clean bill of health. You lollipop is in e-mail.

Regardless the Doctor has asked that this thread be watched so that everyone stays clear of any fevers.

Beauty

[SophieLawson]

Hello,

Hiyaaa Nurse! Love your outfit

Sophie xx

[Marda]

Hey Lorna,
~
Whoaaa there ... easy does it ...
OK OK ... Yeahhh I was a teenie bit bold ... but I didn't mean to say what you think I said ...

in a weird sort of way I was "pulling the dirty old bandage(DOB)" off the wound you were showing us ... and you know that there's a bit of "sharpness" in the feeling as the DOB comes off ...

I hope you saw the other post(s) I left for you ... I think I'm trying to show you that you are certainly *not* alone, and your *not* probably doing anything wrong in a general, human sense ...

After *You* come out with some of the feelings you share with us here, I can't just sit here and "pat you on the head" and say crap like "there, there Lorna ... everything will be allright ... here have some warm milk and sugar cookies" ...

That to me would be just plain "patronizing, simplistic and therefore offensive" ...

Instead, what I trying to throw *to* you is a new angle ... from my "kaleidascope" if you will ???

I was once pointed by my doctor to a book called "Feeling Good" ... it's one of those "Pay me $500 / hr, to listen to you and say deep, shocking, psychiatricspeak things to you, or go buy this book for $7" ...

it's a "do-it-yourself" psychiatric cookbook ... everything wrong with everybody is written up somewhere in there, and you just have to comb through it long enough to find the parts that fix your little red wagon ... and away you go ... ["oops, before you leave my office, get a copy of my my "Feeling Good Translation Video" from my secretary on the way out ... that will be only $50 and the $7. book really is kinda useless without my video" ]...

Anyways, I'm digressing here ...
~

WHAT I'M SUGGESTING IS ... In other words ...

Possibly, (of course overtly you are not going out looking for trouble) your "Karma" is "secretly" "afraid" of "personal success" ...

(sorry, but I can't recommend Tony Robbins PersonalPower Series) ...

so it goes out, with your secret, inner (unknown possibly even to you) "unhappy self-image" and *inevitibly finds* unhappy events that mysteriously "validate" the negative aspects ...

Then *you*, "Overt" Lorna, stand up and say in a dramatic voice (but quietly so) "I'm Tough, So Don't ^%# With Me" ...
And then *you*, "Sensitive" Lorna, comes home here and crys ...
And then ...
Well, Here I Am ... trying to give you more of Auntie Marda's *Tough Love* ... the only reason I think I know something about this is because I'm going through something like it right now, as written in another post ...
I *too* am tough, and not afraid, but guess what, I haven't been able to accomplish what I wanted and needed to accomplish ...
unlike you, I haven't been opening threads here to say it to everybody ... nothing wrong with that if that's for you, but it ain't for me ... as you can see, my way is about responding to threads from people like you ... this is my part of the learning equation in process here ...

but something in my life *is* changing right now ... among other things, a close friend of mine has invited me out to his martial arts group ...
he wants to help *me* find the inner peace which can then accompany my inherent *toughness*, and then, because I see it in him, I will probably *stop* "attracting" negative Karma situations as I apparently have been doing for many years ... he speaks to me about this with regard to the concept of "trusting others" ...

this, as I've discussed with him, is very different from another old buddy who did karate because he was a short, insecure little guy who somehow "needed" to say "nonverbally" to everyone *I"m So Tough, I Could Kill You With Your Hands And Make You Thank Me For Doing It If I Wanted To" ...
opposite to my friend, this guy did martial arts on the basis of *Not* "trusting others" ...
~
So, have I given you a fresh angle ??? Of course, since I ain't no "shrink", I ain't gonna charge you $500 to &^%$ with *your* head ...
~
Yeah, call me *unconventional* ...
Are you OK ??? Did I hurt you with my TeddyBearHug ... I may not be from NYC, but us Northern Tgals sometimes have a bigger squeeze than we realize ???

Love / Marda

ps ... you are *very* sensitive these days dear Lorna !!! be careful ... truly nasty people sense these things and really try to exploit the matter ... consider me someone who is whispering quietly to you that "your slip is showing" ...
/M
ppss ... Beauty, I respect your role and professionalism here and I thank you for the slack you've cut me once again ... to your point on PMs, on another angle, I think PMs that are relevant to the thread topic and issues, can defeat the purpose of the public "forum" ... in this case, had Lorna made a post saying "I'm Unhappy, please send me PMs to discuss my unhappiness in private, I would have gladly passed /M