Really having a tough time here

[Virginia]

Donna,
Yes marriage is a "two way street." but when you are on that street and get runover by a tractor trailer driven by someone who doesn't seem to care or understand that they have run over someone the whole process gets distorted as being a give and take marriage. Yes, life is short, and we "deserve?" the right to be ourselves, but we,as you pointed out, also have a responsiblity to the marriage. Fr example, my future ex-SO said she does not want to see me dressed, but she "allowed" me to use one of our spare bedrooms to hang and store my wardrobe. She has seen it and commented that I have "expensive tastes." It evidently did no good as she wants a divorce and I have not gotten a straight answer as to why! But at this point in my life - I no longer give a damn! I love Virginia and what she has given me and life is too short to be miserable for what I see as no real reason. I have respected her wishes, but evidently to no avail. If in fact my crossdressing is the reason. I am just going to do my thing now which includes, the SCC this week and then I may just drive to Chicago and visit Julie!! .
Love,
Virginia

[DonnaT]

To me, there is a difference between a CD and a TV. The CD is an occasional dresser, whereas the TV desires to dress and portray themselves as women all the time. Some TV’s feel they should have been born a girl, and go through SRS, which makes them a TS. Those are my definitions, and you don't have to agree with them. Based on that:

Many marriages fail based on Irreconcilable Differences, such as a wife who tries but can no longer cope with a husbands desire to CD and the husband burning desire to fully dress all the time. Or the wife who can cope with her husbands CDing, but not his desire to become a TV.

Someone, probably both, will not be happy trying to compromise. Once the joy goes out of the marriage, then its over.

It’s quite easy for one, or both, to become despondent knowing in their heart things can no longer be worked out. When that happens, they may become withdrawn and no matter what you try, they are no longer interested in doing things together. Even if you manage to get them out of the house, how can you have a good time knowing the other person isn’t enjoying themselves?

In such cases, especially when you’ve tried counseling as a couple, there should be no finger pointing or blame placed on any one individual. Chalk it up to Irreconcilable Differences and move on to what makes you happy.

[Marda]

Hi Julie M.,
~
I'm sorry to read you're having difficulty ... my intent with references to Napolean Hill in some previous posts with which you may be familiar was to offer his timeless message on the pursuit of whatever one "feels, turns their particular cranks" ... albeit a bit cryptic, my quotes etc were pointing to Napolean Hill's contention that everyone of us has the ability and opportunity to tap into the very fundamental human characteristics which incidently, but not coincidently, as he documents, are those same human qualities which actually gave rise to the establishment of the U.S.A. in its' original "Glory" ...

Especially considering how hard *you've* obviously worked to enable CDs to "communicate" among themselves in the virtual "world", I hope you find some satisfaction for yourself ... as strange and cold as it may sound,
Napolean really *did* get it right ... I hope you can decrypt his message for your own personal benefit
~

/Marda

[Merinda]

To me, there is a difference between a CD and a TV. The CD is an occasional dresser, whereas the TV desires to dress and portray themselves as women all the time. Some TV’s feel they should have been born a girl, and go through SRS, which makes them a TS. Those are my definitions, and you don't have to agree with them.

Those definitions are the way I see it also

however if a CDer suddenly decides to increase the amount of time dressed then they are headed in the direction of TV and thats a big fear for SOs.
There is no dividing fence or line between CDing and TVism and its easy for a CD to want more and more and find themselves closer to TVism.

Perhaps an agreement with your SO on a set amount of time to CD is an option .

[Marda]

According to a related webmistress ...
.a CD is someone who wears clothing typically associated with that of their opposite gender
.a TV is a CD who has studied Latin
.or words to that effect

/Marda

[Julie M.]

I am just going to do my thing now which includes, the SCC this week and then I may just drive to Chicago and visit Julie!! .
Love,
Virginia

Virginia,

That is so cool! If you were to come up this weekend we'll have to drag you to NIU for parents weekend and a football game and to meet the mini Hercules. I know my wife would love to meet you (she loves muscles!) and you are always welcome to stay. We are empty nesters now. If another time is better all you have to do is ask. There's so much to do here! I'd be at Southern Comfort in a heartbeat if I could.

My wife is a great lady. She has no problem with other CDers she's not married to. She worked in cosmetics for 20 years and helped dozens. She just never signed on to be married to one of them. I don't want to change her and she doesn't want to change me. That means we walk separate paths. It doesn't mean we can't love and respect one another. We are both learning the value of that.

Being One in the Sisterhood,
Julie

[Julie M.]

To me, there is a difference between a CD and a TV. The CD is an occasional dresser, whereas the TV desires to dress and portray themselves as women all the time.

As it was explained to me by a licensed gender professional....

A transsexual is someone who KNOWS they were born in the wrong gender

A transgendered is someone who has known all their lives they have a mind-body gender confilct

A crossdresser is someone who's mind body conflict arises typically in the teenage years, puberty is usually the cause of it's onset

Then there's the fetishistic transvestite who focuses on a particular item for sexual gratification.

When she explained all this to me she asked me where I felt I fit. It was a no brainer, transgendered, because this has been with me all my life.

[Sally]

I was on a merry go round with professionals in the medical and therapeutic world on and off for much of my life and even today so many of them label people differently, it depends on how they personally diagnose or choose to pigeon hole people.
It's understandable that professionals have to categorise us for several reasons, not the least being for medical insurance purposes, but personally I believe whatever anyone may or may not choose to name us, that's not the important issue.
The most important issue is to live our life in the best possible way which enables us to resolve lifes' real issues and to see what we do as being a resolution to those lifes' issues, instead of zoning in on what we may or may not be according to this one or that one, because it's a fact that at times when we label someone they tend to go with trying to live up to that label instead of just being the person they really are.

I believe that if we can integrate what we need to do into our life in the most comfortable way possible, then does it really matter that we are this or that, names are not going to change or effect anything, it becomes similar to the chicken or the egg thingy all over again.

To be honest, my medical file has grown quite large over the years and in older parts of it, it says Transvestite, in others it says Crossdresser ( the medics tend to use the term Crossdresser now instead of the outdated term Transvestite but they both mean the same thing to them) and the last 10 years it says Transsexual. There are also references to GID etc, it all depended on who I was passed on to next in the merry go round. But whatever any of them labelled me as it never changed how I felt inside, I never felt any different, names mean nothing to me.
It's quite funny, but when I look in the mirror I sure don't see a multiple identity even if others imagine they do. LOL....

Julie, I hope your issues with your wife will eventually work themselves out, sometimes they do, unfortunately sometimes they don't.
At times I hear people say that we should stop doing what we do or being what we are and wake up to ourselves etc etc. I always answer them with examples of how difficult life can be for some of us, especially those in circumstances such as yours and ask the person do they really think we would choose a life such as we have and be a member of a suppressed minority group if we had a choice? I think not.

I wish you all the best.

Kind Regards.

Sally

[Marda]

Hi Sally,
~
If I didn't value your input so much I 'd vote you for President, or Prime Minister, or Empress, or The Lady Pope ... or some other damn thing ...
and then I'm still hurting over the fact that you can cook and your "hooked" with someone else ...
and if it wasn't for all of that, it's soon going to summer in the land of velcro-soled shoes ...
Need I say "you're one of this forum's best, kept secrets" !!!
~

/Marda

[Julie M.]

Today I dressed and decided to do something else besides flittering about the house like a diva so I decided to make a spice rack for my wife. It's only been about 15 years since I told her I'd do it So I was just wearing a top, skirt and gym shoes - makeup, wig and earrings, of course. One must have at least a touch of femininity

So I chronicled the event by taking pictures (I'm such a ham!). As I was putting the finishing touches on the rack I heard the door upstairs open. It was my wife. I had told her I dressed Monday and I changed back before she got home out of respect for her. She appreciated that.

I heard her call down to me. I told her I was dressed, had lost track of time and was sorry. She came in to see me and I told her she didn't have to come in if she didn't want to. She talked to me just outside the workshop then I said I was okay with it if she wanted to come in. Just to give you an idea of what she saw here's a pic
http://home.comcast.net/~julimarie/imag ... kshop6.jpg

I turned to her and she had that you-look-silly look. I smiled at her and went back to touching up the finish. Then she said she had tickets to a play called Diva Diaries, a drag performance. Well you can imagine I was really very nicely surprised.

We just got back from the play and it was great. There were many references as to what it's like living transgendered. I identified with so much but the entire show was really top notch, and that's not because I'm biased.

After the show she asked me if I cried at all. I said no and asked her if she did to which she said yes. She told me one time was when one of the performers described her first experience of discovering a girl's world. She said "I thought of you and how that must be" Well I didn't cry during the show but I almost cried then. What a great lady!

I hope this is an indicator for the future. Maybe seeing me today so happy and actually doing something productive, maybe she realized what's stopping me from being all I am capable of is this nagging feeling that something is missing. Too often I can't focus on things, my mind strays. Lately I have been paying attention to why and it always points to the inner conflict. But today I was focused and never felt frustrated (I'm a perfectionist and I get frustrated easily). I just kept moving along because I wanted to give her a gift from Julie. I wanted her to see Julie is the one who gets things done. Julie is the one who doesn't get distracted. Julie is the one who is the better person.

I don't think that was a pre-meditated intent, it was more like it just happened. Whatever the reason, I did things Jim would have walked away from and that says something positive.

[Marda]

Hey Julie,
~
Since Sally's booked up, how 'bout you be President, or Prime Minister, or Empress, or The Lady Pope ... or some other damn thing ...
Any of those gigs need someone like you who "get's things done"
~

/Marda

[Alexandra]

julie, ! Nice picture too . . . I like the "just being yourself" tone to it! Thanks for sharing.

PS: I'm impressed with your ability to keep your workshop organized!

[Marda]

julie, ! PS: I'm impressed with your ability to keep your workshop organized!

It doesn't look *that* impressive to me ... it's just a typical Tgirl's workshop ...

/Marda

[Loretta Ann]

Julie,

That is a nice report. Your Lady is trying. The organization of your work workshop bears testimony to the perfectionist. Very nice.

[Anita]

Hi Julie--
That is interesting about your motivation levels differing from guy to gal.
I find that Anita gets things done much easier, partly because she doesn't have as much "mind chatter" going on. When I'm out as a woman, I don't find myself constantly judging or criticizing. In that sense, Anita is a person without a past; even after four years, I live more here-now as a woman.

That's why I said in another post that she "kick-started" my guy self again. If I didn't want to start living full-time as a woman, (and I didn't), I had to do something to bring "his" motivation up to the level of hers.

I'm glad your wife is doing some little things that show she's at least looking at this for herself.