Jim is a bull@hitter!!

Julie M. · Post by **Julie M.** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 10:21 am

I just got back from therapy and I went dressed.

"Oh! Hi Julie!" she seemed pleased to see me. I had sent her an e-mail to "warn" her that I was coming but she didn't see it yet. It didn't matter, she seemed perfectly at ease.

I told her I thought I was different dressed and maybe that might come out in the session and it could help her help me. She smiled when I said that. When dressed I don't carry all that emotional turmoil, things like how society sucks, why can't I do this without everybody getting all uptight, etc, etc. So maybe we could tap into another side of me or into a deeper side of me.

We talked for a while about the past several days and how my wife was so great last Friday and it seemed to be lasting, I hoped forever (wrong dude, she flipped back yesterday). Then she asked me if I was Julie or Jim. WOW! That question hit me like a ton of bricks! I started to cry. "I'm Julie" I told her. I knew it then, I don't want to have to live two lives.

I talked and talked until he end of the session, mostly about life as Julie. When it was over I asked if she saw any difference and she said definitely yes. "You're more real. There's no bull@hit" I knew she was right. Jim's a bull@hitter.

He bull@hits his way through life pretending to be a macho guy.

What a revalation.

I'm still dressed now. Funny thing is I don't feel like posing for pictures and putting them on the internet and changing and doing that again and again. I just want to go to the gas station, put some gas in my car and get a 44 oz Coke. But I have to consider the family. I don't want them to suffer any reprecussions from that so I won't.

SophieLawson · Post by **SophieLawson** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 2:05 pm

Julie your very brave, I can understand what your saying and I was trying to think what I would say if when dressed I was asked if I'm Sophie or Kev and I wouldn't know what to say.

I think this is just confusion a lot of us have, but the bull@hitting I think I do too, but it's not really a negative thing. For me it's just a way of trying to cover my tracks as Sophie dunno if it's the same for you?

Anywaysss... *hugs* Hope your feeling good Julie!

Sophie xx

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 8:28 pm

Hi Julie--
Good work! That's what therapy can do, at its best. You work from your end, and the therapist works from hers.

My sister once confronted me with that: "But you're not two people," she said. I had to tell her that for now I was, in some way. Also told her that if I ever went back to being one person, it would probably be a woman.

Sounds like you're saying that same thing. It's good to see this clearly, no matter where it leads. One step at a time.

Rachel Ann · Post by **Rachel Ann** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 4:02 pm

Right on Julie!!!

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 4:36 pm

Julie,

I understand what you are going through. I can relate to pretty much everything you said.

Julie M wrote:

I just want to go to the gas station, put some gas in my car and get a 44 oz Coke. But I have to consider the family. I don't want them to suffer any reprecussions from that so I won't.

I struggled with this relentlessly. I finally decided that I had to decide what being a good dad meant. Did it mean being an angry person who hated his life and hated himself and continue to try to hide it, or did it mean accepting myself, loving myself so I could truely love those around me?

Was it fair of me to make this decision? Did I have that right? Could I decide for my children that they should live with this shame? I decided that as long as I treated it like something to be ashamed of, so would those around me. So I just started dressing everyday. My kids friends saw me, and others they told in advance. And something weird happened. Nothing.

My kids friends still come over, they still treat me the same. But now I get to share with my kids, the real me. Not the angry person. I am proud of myself and who I am, and that allows my kids not to feel ashamed of me.

I asked my oldest son to tell me truth about his feelings and he said "Well, it wouldn't be my choice, but I am not embarrassed or ashamed, and you are much happier".

Our life is normal now, except now I dress 24/7. When we go anywhere, I am dressed. This is how we are now. I can tell my kids don't feel embarrassed or ashamed, I watch thier body language. I also ask if anyone wants to go with me, to run small errands, where it is easy to say no, and I almost always get a volunteer.

I know everyone struggles with this. How do I come out and not hurt those around me? But I think you have to also ask, how much am I hurting my family by not coming out?

Love always,
Elizabeth

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 4:55 pm

Hi all,

You make some good points Elizabeth.
When looked on in that light, it would seem like Julie might be between a rock and a hard place.

How is it possible for her to be a good husband or father, as long as she has to deal with this inner struggle?

I think for each one of us where ever we fit in this wide range of us who fall under the transgender umbrella. The inner struggle is probably the most important thing that needs to be addressed. As it affects everything else we do.

Candice · Post by **Candice** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 11:20 am

that's great Julie, i'm glad it went so well...

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 10:54 pm

Hi Julie,

In your last thread about couples counseling you kind of elaborated on this a little bit more. Do you still feel your non femme side is less upfront (trying to find the right word).

This was a very interesting thread. Did you tell your counselor you had such strong feelings about your other gendered side?

I love your openness and respect you very much for expressing yourself here.

Beauty

Julie M. · Post by **Julie M.** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 2:35 pm

Beauty wrote:Did you tell your counselor you had such strong feelings about your other gendered side?

Beauty

I don't remember if I posted this before so if I did I apologize for being repetitive.

I walked into my session dressed. Deb greeted me warmly. I don't know why but I felt she was happy to see me dressed. We talked for a while and the talk got to me and what I feel. When she asked me if I was Jim or Julie I got all teary eyed. I told her Julie because that's the way I felt. I could see in her eyes she already knew the answer.

Earlier sessions had touched on things transsexually related. I rebuffed each and every attempt she made to go in that direction. I felt she was dead wrong and was actually a bit upset the subject kept coming up. What I didn't realize at the time is she has counseled so many TGs, CDs and TSs and she saw something in me I couldn't.

When I went dressed my guard was down. It always is when I'm dressed. I'm acting, I can just be myself. This is the way I am most comfortable. Well, that comfort level gives way to an open and honest person. The fortress I have spent a lifetime building around my femme personality vanishes once I am dressed. And why shouldn't it? By being dressed I have already revealed the real me.

So when she asked that question she touched my soul. The last time I let anyone that much inside me was before I realized that I was different, probably around the age of 5 or 6. I can't describe the emotions. It felt so good to be touched that way. She had connected to me in a very meaningful way. I was an open book and she was inside seeing the real me.

After the session she walked me to the door and I looked in her eyes. We hugged for a long time and I thanked her from the bottom of my heart. She knew how profoundly that session had effected me. And I realized she knew me better than I knew myself. I just had to open myself to allow someone in.

To answer your question Beauty, yes, she knows. She knew before I did.

Yesterday my wife and I talked. I was speaking to her from my heart. I told her I saw Deb was taking me down a path that would mean I would lose her. I knew she didn't want to be married to a woman or a man who lived as one and I feared that's where I was heading. She told me she will love me no matter what and I will never lose her. I got up, walked over to her, and with tears in my eyes hugged her tightly. At that moment I knew that everything would be okay.

I don't know how things will pan out. My wife knows this and she has stopped pressing me for an answer. I will continue with therapy and see where it takes me. All I know is I need to stop hiding, stop being afraid, stop thinking people won't accept me. If I do that I should find some happiness along the way. And that’s all I ever wanted.

Julie

Rachel Ann · Post by **Rachel Ann** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 2:57 pm

Julie, you are such a good example to all of us!

Love

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 3:50 pm

Julie, that's a wonderful post. I would still remind you not to ride with your wife's reactions, either good or bad, (advice you were offered by your therapist, I believe.) Both you and your wife have many steps to take.

At least your path is becoming clearer, bit by bit.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:10 pm

Julie,

I know what you are feeling. You made me cry. I can feel your pain/joy. I don't know what else to say. I am not sure if I am crying for you, or for me, or for both of us.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 6:22 pm

I'm right there with both of you!

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Wed Oct 13, 2004 5:25 am

Bravo Julie!!

I agree with everyone here. You are so incredible for being so open and sharing with us what you're going through. You are brave, responsible, and a wonderful mate to your wife.

Thank you for answering my question Julie.

Beauty

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Thu Oct 14, 2004 5:15 pm

Hi Julie,

Good for you!!

Whatever it takes for you to be more open with your therapist is just fine. I'm glad your sessions are going well!