As a loving, accepting and supportive SO I thought I'd throw my hat into the ring. I hear what you're saying about expectations you may have regarding your wife. The rule of thumb in order to not be disappointed is to NOT have expectations. You never know how people are going to react and if there's not alot of communication going on you only set yourself up for disappointment. As for your wife's limits; give her time. She is probably full of fear, some resentment, anger, grief and sadness right now. Oh yea, not to mention confusion. Suggest to her that she get her own therapist to talk to about how she is going to deal with the issue, if she's open to it. I realize that you are feeling alone right now and would have liked for her to embrace your gender gift but she's just not in that place. My husband reminded me that some women never get to the place I am at, where just about anything goes. Accepting that may be a hard pill to swallow but here's the reality. You don't need to know how things are going to turn out TODAY. You've been hiding things for a long time, so maybe you have to do it a little longer. I'm not being unsympathetic to your plight or feelings either, just telling you that you are borrowing trouble by looking for some guarantees about the future when she's only been told. Perhaps down the road see if her limits or feelings change. Mine did but it took 2 years. At first I said the same thing, "you can do it all you want just don't tell me about it and I don't want to see it." It's six years later and this weekend I'll be giving him a new pair of knee hi boots, short skirt and some eyelashes I bought for him while we go out on the town in New Orleans. Who'd a thunk it?? I also bought him a new wig and put on his makeup. It took me awhile to get out of my own feelings and realize what HE's gone through in his life as a result of CDing. Anyway, that's my take. I do hope that things turn out in a positive way for you. Stay hopeful but you two have to start talking more. Communication is the key and if you need to have a therapist involved then so be it. Good luck!
Kay(SO)
To answer a member's questions about me...
Moderators: KimberlyS, Eileen (SO)
-
Kay(SO)
- E-mail address not valid - Contact Admin
- Posts: 294
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 9:03 am
- Location: North Carolina
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
-
CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
: -
Allena
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 144
- Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2003 1:43 pm
- Location: Humboldt County, California
I'm back...
I've dropped in a couple of times, but I have decided to come back as often as I can...I guess I miss you all!
At the risk of being a bore, I thought I'd update this post a bit.
It's only been a month? Seems like it has been much longer that I turned back inside myself in trying to deal/cope with how life was November 23rd.
My wife and I have continued seeing a MARVELOUS lady who has a great gift as a counselor!
I tried to follow the advice I was given here and return to our bed.
It didn't last too long.
We did cuddle some, but after a while I started getting anxious when laying next to her in bed.
I wanted to touch her, to hold her intimately. This was in part to prove to myself that I wasn't now some filthy ogre that no woman would ever want to be near.
There was an instance where I got a bit frisky and started running my hand up and down her side, just enjoying her body against my finger tips.
She pulled away slightly and commented that she really didn't want me "moving my hand" across her body.
HEARTBREAK!
After that, I resumed sleeping on the futon downstairs.
Interestingly for me, we were very loving and happy together anytime except bedtime. She would have been fine with me in bed, but I found the stress of not knowing when I would do something "inappropriate", and dreading more rejection, too much.
We've talked about it and I finally have explained to her that I have not been angry with her, I've been trying to find a way to cope with the feelings of wanting to touch her in ways she isn't ready for.
I've actually learned alot in the past month about our relationship, and it's been good.
A couple of landmarks here;Since she told me over a month ago that she wouldn't get upset if she saw my "feminine" things in the laundry, I left my nightgown and bra out on our bed with the other folded laundry one day.
I had to leave the house for a moment and my wife was home during that time. Her comment when I came back...FLOORED ME! To say the least.
She said, "About your 'laundry' on the bed...(now, here is where I thought she was going to be upset)...I just don't see why guys would want to wear something like that (pointing to my Kmart-special bra). Women hate to wear bras like that! (she smiles at this point and we sorta laugh at my sophmoric attempts at lingerie shopping).
She was making Christmas candy at the time, so we worked on it together while we discussed what women liked and didn't like about their clothing.
I actually told her about some of the things I learned about bra fitting from Internet sites. I even suggested she start sewing her own! (she's a very good seamstress). She declined, but I went and printed out some articles from websites and showed one to her. I think she might give it a try sometime.
Anyway, this event showed me that the crossdressing is NOT the big issue in our relationship.
Just like she has said all along.
I've had to learn to stop reading into other people's words, all my insecurities.
The other event was last night...Saturday.
Our daughter was spending the night at a friend's house and after our last session with our counselor, my wife had suggested we see a movie while we had the evening to ourselves.
Since our sessions have been working so well for us, and we are actually practicing what we are supposed to be (in regards to better communication), I was informed...subtley...of a possible romantic evening.
Well, it turned out to be a Wonderful, Fun, Romantic evening!
It probably helped that we went to see, "Somethings Gotta Give" with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton.
This is a GREAT movie, by the way! It's funny that there wasn't anyone who looked under the age of 40 in the theater!
So, our relationship seems to be enjoying better communication, a more relaxed state thanks to my opening up in many ways, and looking like it's all here to stay.
I'm not done working on things yet, but I'm happy for the success we've had so far.
As far as my crossdressing...
I have to say, I was immediately turned OFF when members referred to me as "girl".
At the time I read the posts and saw that, I was still in a state of depression, confusion, anger, and fear. As you see, I even asked to have my name changed to a more masculine name.
Today though, I can appreciate the comments, support, and concerns from each and everyone of you who have responded to my posts.
I would like to thank you all, for without you I truly believe this would have been much harder and/or worse than it was and has been so far.
I continue to dress when the mood hits me, and I do it alone but without remorse or dread.
When my wife, daughter and I finish reading at bedtime (currently reading, "The Golden Compass", together), the girls fall asleep in my daughter's loft while I sometimes head downstairs, slip into my bra, flaxbreasts, panties and gown, and putter around downstairs.
I've got a system down now that I feel affords me the opportunity to do this and still "cover-up" if anyone wakes and heads downstairs, which they never do this late at night.
Eventually, my wife awakes and heads to our bed, where I will now be joining her (back in "drab" as some put it) except for legitimate "girl's nights" for her and our daughter when I work the late shift at my job.
p.s. I have finally realized HOW WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IS!...for the crossdresser!
I have been through SO MANY women's departments in the last week just enjoying myself and trying to find things I WANT TO WEAR!
Sometimes Life can be SO GOOD!
Thanks again to you all!
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays for the rest of you!
At the risk of being a bore, I thought I'd update this post a bit.
It's only been a month? Seems like it has been much longer that I turned back inside myself in trying to deal/cope with how life was November 23rd.
My wife and I have continued seeing a MARVELOUS lady who has a great gift as a counselor!
I tried to follow the advice I was given here and return to our bed.
It didn't last too long.
We did cuddle some, but after a while I started getting anxious when laying next to her in bed.
I wanted to touch her, to hold her intimately. This was in part to prove to myself that I wasn't now some filthy ogre that no woman would ever want to be near.
There was an instance where I got a bit frisky and started running my hand up and down her side, just enjoying her body against my finger tips.
She pulled away slightly and commented that she really didn't want me "moving my hand" across her body.
HEARTBREAK!
After that, I resumed sleeping on the futon downstairs.
Interestingly for me, we were very loving and happy together anytime except bedtime. She would have been fine with me in bed, but I found the stress of not knowing when I would do something "inappropriate", and dreading more rejection, too much.
We've talked about it and I finally have explained to her that I have not been angry with her, I've been trying to find a way to cope with the feelings of wanting to touch her in ways she isn't ready for.
I've actually learned alot in the past month about our relationship, and it's been good.
A couple of landmarks here;Since she told me over a month ago that she wouldn't get upset if she saw my "feminine" things in the laundry, I left my nightgown and bra out on our bed with the other folded laundry one day.
I had to leave the house for a moment and my wife was home during that time. Her comment when I came back...FLOORED ME! To say the least.
She said, "About your 'laundry' on the bed...(now, here is where I thought she was going to be upset)...I just don't see why guys would want to wear something like that (pointing to my Kmart-special bra). Women hate to wear bras like that! (she smiles at this point and we sorta laugh at my sophmoric attempts at lingerie shopping).
She was making Christmas candy at the time, so we worked on it together while we discussed what women liked and didn't like about their clothing.
I actually told her about some of the things I learned about bra fitting from Internet sites. I even suggested she start sewing her own! (she's a very good seamstress). She declined, but I went and printed out some articles from websites and showed one to her. I think she might give it a try sometime.
Anyway, this event showed me that the crossdressing is NOT the big issue in our relationship.
Just like she has said all along.
I've had to learn to stop reading into other people's words, all my insecurities.
The other event was last night...Saturday.
Our daughter was spending the night at a friend's house and after our last session with our counselor, my wife had suggested we see a movie while we had the evening to ourselves.
Since our sessions have been working so well for us, and we are actually practicing what we are supposed to be (in regards to better communication), I was informed...subtley...of a possible romantic evening.
Well, it turned out to be a Wonderful, Fun, Romantic evening!
It probably helped that we went to see, "Somethings Gotta Give" with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton.
This is a GREAT movie, by the way! It's funny that there wasn't anyone who looked under the age of 40 in the theater!
So, our relationship seems to be enjoying better communication, a more relaxed state thanks to my opening up in many ways, and looking like it's all here to stay.
I'm not done working on things yet, but I'm happy for the success we've had so far.
As far as my crossdressing...
I have to say, I was immediately turned OFF when members referred to me as "girl".
At the time I read the posts and saw that, I was still in a state of depression, confusion, anger, and fear. As you see, I even asked to have my name changed to a more masculine name.
Today though, I can appreciate the comments, support, and concerns from each and everyone of you who have responded to my posts.
I would like to thank you all, for without you I truly believe this would have been much harder and/or worse than it was and has been so far.
I continue to dress when the mood hits me, and I do it alone but without remorse or dread.
When my wife, daughter and I finish reading at bedtime (currently reading, "The Golden Compass", together), the girls fall asleep in my daughter's loft while I sometimes head downstairs, slip into my bra, flaxbreasts, panties and gown, and putter around downstairs.
I've got a system down now that I feel affords me the opportunity to do this and still "cover-up" if anyone wakes and heads downstairs, which they never do this late at night.
Eventually, my wife awakes and heads to our bed, where I will now be joining her (back in "drab" as some put it) except for legitimate "girl's nights" for her and our daughter when I work the late shift at my job.
p.s. I have finally realized HOW WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IS!...for the crossdresser!
I have been through SO MANY women's departments in the last week just enjoying myself and trying to find things I WANT TO WEAR!
Sometimes Life can be SO GOOD!
Thanks again to you all!
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays for the rest of you!
Allena... finally free!
-
CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi Allen,
This is excellent and wonderful! It seems you and your wife are on a good road right now, not an easy one but a good one nonetheless. I've said it before and I'll say it again: along with love and respect, communication and honesty are absolutely crucial to a healthy relationship. Way to go to the both of you. Good luck.
By the way, Allen... yeah, shopping is fun now, but Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Yay!
Love,
CJ
This is excellent and wonderful! It seems you and your wife are on a good road right now, not an easy one but a good one nonetheless. I've said it before and I'll say it again: along with love and respect, communication and honesty are absolutely crucial to a healthy relationship. Way to go to the both of you. Good luck.
By the way, Allen... yeah, shopping is fun now, but Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Yay!
Love,
CJ
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi Allen,
Welcome back!
Looks like those stormy days are at an end. The clouds are still there, but at least you can see bluer skies on the horizon. 
I don't know if I'm qualified to say this, but I'm VERY proud of you and the work you've done with your marriage. You love and trust your wife, you gave her space, you were patient, you sought counseling, you were honest, you maintained your crossdressing, you remained the man of the house, and you came back here.
Oooook, the last one wasn't part of it.
I understand the way you feel about the "girl" thing. I don't call anyone that, but I do like to refer to CD's as her. Now when I hear some refer to me or a group of CDs as girl I hear it as a term of endearment. In like 1999 however, I was calling myself a Gender Enhanced Male (GEM) because I didn't like being refered to in a group or alone as a girl. For me it was just a phase, but there are people who do stop there and call it a lifestyle not a phase.
Ok, now back to the really important stuff! I'm super glad things are going better for you! Stay strong, ok? You're a GREAT person and an AWESOME member of this board family. We missed you (Allen or Allena)!!! 
I think you posting what you went through will greatly aid those who are seeking help with telling someone they love about their Crossdressing. It is a great roadmap.
Beauty
Welcome back!
Looks like those stormy days are at an end.
The clouds are still there, but at least you can see bluer skies on the horizon. I don't know if I'm qualified to say this, but I'm VERY proud of you and the work you've done with your marriage. You love and trust your wife, you gave her space, you were patient, you sought counseling, you were honest, you maintained your crossdressing, you remained the man of the house, and you came back here.
Oooook, the last one wasn't part of it. I understand the way you feel about the "girl" thing. I don't call anyone that, but I do like to refer to CD's as her. Now when I hear some refer to me or a group of CDs as girl I hear it as a term of endearment. In like 1999 however, I was calling myself a Gender Enhanced Male (GEM) because I didn't like being refered to in a group or alone as a girl.
For me it was just a phase, but there are people who do stop there and call it a lifestyle not a phase. Ok, now back to the really important stuff!
I'm super glad things are going better for you! Stay strong, ok? You're a GREAT person and an AWESOME member of this board family. We missed you (Allen or Allena)!!! I think you posting what you went through will greatly aid those who are seeking help with telling someone they love about their Crossdressing. It is a great roadmap.
Beauty
-
Allena
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 144
- Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2003 1:43 pm
- Location: Humboldt County, California
Thank you CJ and Beauty!
I just want to make sure I've painted the picture correctly.
First, since I have gained in the area of emotional security you can call me girl, honey, or whatever term of "endearment" you prefer. I don't want anyone to think I was/am upset with them over the name thing.
Second, you two are right on about my marriage. After re-reading my post, I wondered if it sounded TOO bubbly, rosey, "perfect".
I have no pretentions that my wife will welcome me with open arms if I wear my feminine things to bed. She is not ready to have everything displayed in front of her. I am trying to show some confidence here with my crossdressing. What I mean is, I want my wife to know that I accept this part of me as normal. I won't be talking or acting like it's some "dirty little secret" anymore. In fact, this morning as I was gathering up some clothes to take to Goodwill, she noticed a cotton dress I bought secondhand, but I'm not happy with. She asked about it and I showed it to her and explained what it was and that I was getting rid of it. She seemed fine with that. I then decided to bring up an issue I've been wanting to discuss for some time...
I realize that some(...most...all?) women might find the idea that their husbands are wearing their clothing, especially the underwear, to be really weird feeling to them. When I came out to her, I told her that I had recently decided to keep my own things so I wouldn't be entering her personal area.
She had a cotton bra that she no longer wanted but it was in excellent shape. I pulled it out of the Goodwill pile and kept it even though she's a 38 and I think I'm a 42 band size.
Well, this has bothered me a bit that I was keeping her castoffs without her knowing it, especially since she came up missing a bra a while ago that she apparantly liked.
So, this morning, sensing that the time/mood was right;I pulled the grey cotton bra I kept out of my box/crate of clothing, and told her how I had kept it. I went on to reassure her that I had NO IDEA where her missing white bra was. She was accepting of that and seemed fairly well at ease discussing this with me.
I am constantly surprised at her level of acceptance. As I said earlier, I know I can't go waltzing about the house dressed en femme, but this is SUCH a marked difference in my life to have this much of a sense of freedom, release, and especially support!
I'm not sure what I'll do about my name here. Allen is not my real name and I don't really want to keep it. Allena was just a spinoff of Allen, which I thought of when casting about for an identity here. I hope I don't drive you all crazy if I wind up changing my name to something else...something that reflects this softer, gentler and more relaxed part of me.
I just want to make sure I've painted the picture correctly.
First, since I have gained in the area of emotional security you can call me girl, honey, or whatever term of "endearment" you prefer. I don't want anyone to think I was/am upset with them over the name thing.
Second, you two are right on about my marriage. After re-reading my post, I wondered if it sounded TOO bubbly, rosey, "perfect".
I have no pretentions that my wife will welcome me with open arms if I wear my feminine things to bed. She is not ready to have everything displayed in front of her. I am trying to show some confidence here with my crossdressing. What I mean is, I want my wife to know that I accept this part of me as normal. I won't be talking or acting like it's some "dirty little secret" anymore. In fact, this morning as I was gathering up some clothes to take to Goodwill, she noticed a cotton dress I bought secondhand, but I'm not happy with. She asked about it and I showed it to her and explained what it was and that I was getting rid of it. She seemed fine with that. I then decided to bring up an issue I've been wanting to discuss for some time...
I realize that some(...most...all?) women might find the idea that their husbands are wearing their clothing, especially the underwear, to be really weird feeling to them. When I came out to her, I told her that I had recently decided to keep my own things so I wouldn't be entering her personal area.
She had a cotton bra that she no longer wanted but it was in excellent shape. I pulled it out of the Goodwill pile and kept it even though she's a 38 and I think I'm a 42 band size.
Well, this has bothered me a bit that I was keeping her castoffs without her knowing it, especially since she came up missing a bra a while ago that she apparantly liked.
So, this morning, sensing that the time/mood was right;I pulled the grey cotton bra I kept out of my box/crate of clothing, and told her how I had kept it. I went on to reassure her that I had NO IDEA where her missing white bra was. She was accepting of that and seemed fairly well at ease discussing this with me.
I am constantly surprised at her level of acceptance. As I said earlier, I know I can't go waltzing about the house dressed en femme, but this is SUCH a marked difference in my life to have this much of a sense of freedom, release, and especially support!
I'm not sure what I'll do about my name here. Allen is not my real name and I don't really want to keep it. Allena was just a spinoff of Allen, which I thought of when casting about for an identity here. I hope I don't drive you all crazy if I wind up changing my name to something else...something that reflects this softer, gentler and more relaxed part of me.
Allena... finally free!
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi "To be named"
You can change your name as much as you like.
My laptop crashed when I was posting my original post. It had wording in it that said, "I'm like you and don't care anymore about the 'girl' thingy . . ." Unfortunately when I retyped on my other computer it didn't make it in the post.
Good for you about being honest and taking your time.
Your scenario wasn't too rosey. It was right in line with what most of us would consider very healthy growth!
Again, change your name as many times as you like. You'll find a name you want eventually. Ask your wife for one. Orrrrr not.
Congrats on your honesty this morning too!!!
Beauty
You can change your name as much as you like.
My laptop crashed when I was posting my original post. It had wording in it that said, "I'm like you and don't care anymore about the 'girl' thingy . . ." Unfortunately when I retyped on my other computer it didn't make it in the post.
Good for you about being honest and taking your time.
Your scenario wasn't too rosey. It was right in line with what most of us would consider very healthy growth!
Again, change your name as many times as you like. You'll find a name you want eventually. Ask your wife for one.
Orrrrr not. Congrats on your honesty this morning too!!!
Beauty
-
LeftyRainbow(SO)
- E-mail address not valid - Contact Admin
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 2:31 pm
- Location: Connecticut, USA
Happy Holidays Everyone!
I've been following this thread and I think the best piece of advice that I can offer the author is this:
"Things somtimes turn out to be as big of a deal as you make out of them"
Whether the situation feels big or small at the time...RELAX..it's O.K.
You and your wife sound like you care a great deal about your relationship together. You are lucky people.
I wish both of you peace and happiness for your future.
We are all here on this board to help one another and provide support in tough times.
Don't ever feel that you could post too much as you have stumbled into territory where there is always someone who wants to chat....lol...just look at some of our posting totals !
You won't run into criticism here.....not from Wives/SO's or TG/CD's.
Feel free to speak your mind and pick our brains if you would like to use us as a safe place to run your questions by
Lefty
I've been following this thread and I think the best piece of advice that I can offer the author is this:
"Things somtimes turn out to be as big of a deal as you make out of them"
Whether the situation feels big or small at the time...RELAX..it's O.K.
You and your wife sound like you care a great deal about your relationship together. You are lucky people.
I wish both of you peace and happiness for your future.
We are all here on this board to help one another and provide support in tough times.
Don't ever feel that you could post too much as you have stumbled into territory where there is always someone who wants to chat....lol...just look at some of our posting totals !
You won't run into criticism here.....not from Wives/SO's or TG/CD's.
Feel free to speak your mind and pick our brains if you would like to use us as a safe place to run your questions by
Lefty
-
RikkiOfLA
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 298
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 11:39 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California, USA
Hi Allen,
I certainly agree with you--your relationship does seem to be making some real progress! That's something that both of you can be proud of. I think your return to bed (and I hope, to intimacy!) is the best part. I think being in drab in bed is a very good compromise, and very healthy.
Thanks for sharing the good news!
I certainly agree with you--your relationship does seem to be making some real progress! That's something that both of you can be proud of. I think your return to bed (and I hope, to intimacy!) is the best part. I think being in drab in bed is a very good compromise, and very healthy.
Thanks for sharing the good news!
Love and respect,
Rikki
Rikki
-
Allena
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 144
- Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2003 1:43 pm
- Location: Humboldt County, California
Thank you Lefty, Beauty and Rikki !
I really appreciate the words and support not only for me, but for my wife as well.
I actually had another rambling, long post, but something happened and it didn't wind up here.
Computer Error or Divine Intervention?
I am moving on towards educating myself further about crossdressing.
I've ordered a couple of books so far and I have been looking at the various videos for sale.
I plan on doing a search here to see if there are posts dealing with printed/filmed information, as well as places to purchase other items (breast forms, gaffs, wigs, etc.) online.
I'm not sure where I will go with all this, but for now I'm fine just learning more about this part of my life.
AND, I'm extremely greatful for this WONDERFUL place to come and learn and share.
You folks are GREAT PEOPLE!
I can't thank you enough!
I really appreciate the words and support not only for me, but for my wife as well.
I actually had another rambling, long post, but something happened and it didn't wind up here.
Computer Error or Divine Intervention?
I am moving on towards educating myself further about crossdressing.
I've ordered a couple of books so far and I have been looking at the various videos for sale.
I plan on doing a search here to see if there are posts dealing with printed/filmed information, as well as places to purchase other items (breast forms, gaffs, wigs, etc.) online.
I'm not sure where I will go with all this, but for now I'm fine just learning more about this part of my life.
AND, I'm extremely greatful for this WONDERFUL place to come and learn and share.
You folks are GREAT PEOPLE!
I can't thank you enough!
Allena... finally free!