Changes

[Elizabeth]

Hi Beauty,

I think you are right on the mark about things that you have said. I was only hoping to contrast what you were saying. I wanted to point out that the more 'subtile" things can be a guide for each of us personally. If we have a strong response to decisions about who we tell, like lots of self doubt, this will be applified when we change our bodies. Hopefully no one will take these types of actions without proper counseling and care of a physician.

I also want to clarify that there is a difference between moments of self doubt, and regretting a decision. So far I do not regret any decisions I have made. Unless you count selection of nail polish colors. I also got that impression from you, in your original post. But? You had a moment of self doubt that passed. I do have moments of self doubt, and they pass.

I can't help but wonder how those would be applified on a permanant change to my body. Having had accidents that changed my body, by no choice of my own, I am well aware of the impact these changes can have on how we feel about oursleves.

As you know, I am considering testosterone blockers also. I would like to know what it is like to not have so much testosterone in my body all the time. To not have such a strong sex drive, to be able to think about other things for an extended period of time, without thinking about sex.

I remember watching a show on TV with a F to M transexual, and she said, I never could have imagined how powerful testosterone is. Which makes me think I can not imagine how much it controls my thoughts and actions right now.

I, like you, would have to see some seriously significant inprovements in what modern medicine has to offer before I would consider SRS or BA or even hormones. I really am not interested in taking pills the rest of my life, just to be me. It is hard enough to just accept who I am not taking anything.

Anyways, my applause did not turn into a polite golf clap, but instead brought me to my feet. I love it when you post a lot in here. And like the other girls, I really enjoy when you speak directly to me. Not sure exactly why, maybe because of how you spread your love around. Thanks for telling us all, how you feel, and how things are going for you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Ridge]

Maybe I can shed some light on the questions of impact of hormones or lack thereof.

Due to a brain tumor, my testosterone level fell to 106 ( a woman has less than 100, a man 800-1000). Needless to say I had no sex drive. I had gained a lot of weight over time and breasts were there (I thought from the weight). But once diagnosed, I started on testosterone gel to raise my levels. After about a year I am now at about 600.

But for the effects: hormones affect how you think no question. I am now more stable in my thinking - probably more back to male. The side effects of the low testestosterone included a great reduction in beard, redistribution of fat to my posterior, softening of skin and a set of "Bs." Compound this with the number 1 side effect of gel: breast enlargement. So I have a nice chest that is "growing" as I continue to lose weight (about 50 pounds so far and 25 to go.). The only breast surgery I will have is breast reduction.

My situation is one not of my own free will. So I can only urge one to fully review your options before any life-altering changes are made. Permanent means just that.

Good luck.

Ridge

[Kathy]

My situation is one not of my own free will. So I can only urge one to fully review your options before any life-altering changes are made. Permanent means just that.

I agree with Ridge on this statement but for different reasons.

This thread has got me reviewing where my thoughts have been over the past many years. Permanent changes vs. no changes; am I TS or not, etc. The same questions all of us keep asking ourselves over and over.

I recently took the COGIATI test and scored relatively low on the scale. Lower than I did only a few months ago. On the other hand, if I had taken this test only 5 years ago, I probably would have been right up there with Beauty and CJ.

At that time I was nearly convinced that I was headed down the road to SRS. I was experimenting with those "over the counter" hormones sold on some CD merchandising sites. I was looking at information about BA and such. But, all the while there was this feeling of doubt in my mind that held me back from charging onward. At that time, I was fully able to afford these things financially and, as I still am now, single with no attachments to hold me back.

Now I am very happy I listened to that voice of doubt. I am happy I took the time to find out more about myself. And I am so glad to have found this forum as it was here that the pieces of my CDing life came together.

No, I am not TS. In fact I can barely call myself TG'd at all. Where would I be now if I had rushed into doing those permanent changes? I shudder to think.

Beauty has, obviously, given a lot of consideration to her situation and is following a plan that is right for her. When she says to take things slowly, she is speaking wise words.

Please take the time to know yourself before considering changes that cannot be reversed.

A few short months ago I was shaving everything from the face down. I maintained that look for a couple of months and considered whether I would be happy hairless on a permanent basis. My answer was NO. Today I have my full beard back and all of my body hair. I have never dressed fully and have never attempted to pass so that is not an issue for me.

I am happy with and have no doubt about who and what I am. That is the result of taking a few years to get to know myself. I am at the opposite end of the spectrum from many of you. I hope you can find your answers as I have found mine.

[Ridge]

Some more musings:

An underlying theme I detect in the memership is the desire to slip between male and female persona at will. Thus as genetic males it is easier to use breast forms and heavy makeup to conceal our natural state.

Hair removal is a little less of a problem than hormones. Being clean shaven is not a problem for most men. I used to have a heavy breard growth although I just had a mustache. Having facial hair is still possible for me, but it would take a lone time to grow now. Someone posted that the hair removal cost about $1500.

But having breasts can be a bit more troublesome. I cannot put my "Bs" in the dresser drawer whenever I want. They come with me at all times. No more going to the beach bare-chested. Rather, I am in a mode of concealment. Granted, it is rather easy to conceal them, but it is a pain to constantly be in that mindset. And breast reduction surgery is not cheap: it costs about $3-4,000 per breast.

So again I say look into your emotional and fiscal pockebooks to see if your can afford the "permanent" changes some members contemplate.

There is no right or wrong answer. Good luck to all.

Ridge

[SophieLawson]

I have to admit I have done nothing but think about this thread since Beauty started it

Prolly one of the most thought provoking things I've ever read...

Sophie xx

[Beauty]

Hi all,

Beauty,

You're most welcome! You know, now that I think about it, I guess I wasn't necessarily equating physical changes with "being locked into one gender or the other." I realize that gender, as the popular saying goes, is "between the ears," not between the legs. Lining ourselves up with one gender or the other is just as much a psychological act as it can be a physical one, I guess.

Thanks for addressing that, Beauty! I stand corrected.

Love,
CJ

Hi CJ,

Thanks for responding. I wasn't sure if you were making that reference or not, but because I respect your opinion on such things I'm glad that it made sense and was ok with you!!

:: whew ::

Beauty,

That was very insightful. I tried to put myself in that place, having no facial hair, and all I could see was a huge smile on my face. I may be in a different place than you, but maybe not. All I know for now is there's a lot to think about and your post made me think about the irreversible, something I never gave serious thought to.

...

Julie

Hi Julie,

I'm totally in no facial hair heaven. Reading how you felt when you read about not having hair and smiling made me smile as I realized I can appreciate why you're smiling. It's as good as you imagine, trust me.

I'm also glad you said the post got you to think seriously about things that are physically irreversible (not that you hadn't before). It's very important that we do. The more I typed the more I was like, "Well, maybe it is important to speak about this?" The feedback has made me think, "I think so."

Thank you so much for responding Julie!!!

Beauty

[Beauty]

Hi Beauty--
Well...I'm of two minds about hanging out with TS women. I'm OK with it at the moment. You're right about comparing myself with them--when I first discovered I was transgendered in some way, I didn't know just how much! It happened almost overnight, and I was confused as to what it meant. By going to TG support meetings, I could see that I wasn't TS, but I was definitely going to have to go out in public as a woman. So it cleared that up for me.

But...while hanging out with TS women doesn't automatically create a need to "go there," I do believe that it helps accelerate those tendencies if they are already there. So that's what bothers me. I'm secure here in my male cocoon, and if I just keep a low profile, maybe the TS stork won't find my house, I'm thinking. Hanging out with TS women and running a TS support group meeting once a month is not "low profile" at all!

Oh, my other post said I'd have "little hesitation," meaning: not much at all. It is such a bother having to apply beard cover every time I want or need to go out dressed. I've had my full beard at times in my life, so I don't need to do that again. Getting rid of body hair--I do have mixed feelings about that. But that's not a daily issue, like the beard is.

Hi there Anita,

I was going to reply to you in the post above, but then I realized I may spew here and that post would become waaay too long.

Here's an interesting thing about being me and again I can't thank CJ enough for the link that defined transgenderists. That's who I am and there are people out there like me. I gained so much more insight knowing I wasn't alone.

I don't want to be a woman. I'm not trapped in a man's body. I'm also not a man, but I don't feel trapped in this body. I'm kind of comfy, but I need a few things changed so that when I represent myself in my femme form I feel like I want to.

Another thing I wanted to talk about again was to clarify what I meant about hanging out with TSs. I used the "turning gay" reference lots of fraidy cat males use when they express their homophobia. They say that's the reason they can't hang out with gay people. I don't think that's do-able. I think it's like you said with CD'rs and their feeling of a need to accelerate things. Some CD's who hang around TSs have been known to go to another level when they aren't really a TS.

I stated in one of my posts that hormones can change your mind and I believe it's true. Some TSs I've talked to say men became more appealing to them. Some scientists refuse to accept scientific proof that people were born a TS because the studies happened after the TS' started taking hormones. I thought it was a completely bogus reason not to accept it until I hear my friends who said they weren't attracted to men and then they took hormones for a few years and were like, "Wellll maybe?" to "Yes they are cute." I don't think it happens to all men who take hormones, but I like my mind as is. So I don't even want to risk that. I enjoy liking women only. What's not to like?

There's now, thanks to CJ's reference, a scientific view into people like me who walk such a fine line between CD'ing and being a TS. People like me sometimes go through the whole Benjamin psychology thingy. They live as women, have BA and SRS only to go back to living as males. I think if I were to go through everything I'd be back to living as a male by day again. I like being a guy too. I can't get a around that fact. I used to hate the idea of being considered a guy. Now I don't mind, but I really didn't for a while. I didn't like being called a woman either. It was a weird stage.

When you said, "It can accelerate TS tendencies when you're around TS'" I was like, "She's so right." For a transgenderist it could be a real setback in the long run.

You post Anita helped me remember to talk about this. Thank you so much!!!!

Beauty

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I have taken the COGIATI twice, once scoring 270 and then 275 both placing me class 4 probable transsexual. However a lot of what I have read about transsexuals that actually transition has to do with discomfort with thier male body, more than what they would like to have.

I have also read about TS who have transitioned only to hate themselves and end up killing themselves. I am not sure exactly what the criteria would be, before making such a decision. I know that my level of distress about my body is not so great, that I MUST do something about it. Dressing female seems to satisfy the anxiety.

While I would like to reduce my testosterone level, and even perhaps try female hormones, I do not feel compelled because of my level of distress, wheras my distress level clearly requires me to dress female.

I think that it is not so much what we would like to do, as much as it is what we NEED to do. I wonder if anyone else has any feelings about this?

Love always,
Elizabeth

[DonnaT]

I consider shaving a chore I could do without, but then I like my sideburns and get upset if the barber shortens them without asking. Additionally, I have a disorder known as trichotillomania, and find myself plucking my beard quite often on the chin. When little, I use to pull hair from the top of my head, but luckily it caused no damage there and I have no bald spots. Can't say the samething about my right eye lid though. So, although I'd love to have laser hair removal, I worry about which hair would I pull next if the chin hair was gone.

[Josey]

Hi Beauty,

I just had to add my comments to this conversation. I was very interested to read of your reaction to having facial hair removed. I have lived probably three times as many years as you and have been chopping those little hairs most of that time. I dislike facial hair on myself and find shaving a real pain. I have been really considering getting rid of them for quite a while and just had a long discussion with my daughter about it. (She's my only confessor). I was totally amazed when she agreed with it and also suggested I have it done to my upper body. (I have shaved my legs for years). The face I agree with but the body will take some thought. I don't like body hair either but I have not thought about getting rid of it. Maybe one day.

As for the hormones, I got a doctor to put me on some about two years ago and have grown some "B's". Nothing spectacular but they are there and do fill a small cup bra. I will admit after many years of everything from socks to good breast forms, I like my own much better. No regrets other than the fact that I would like them bigger. Considering how I feel about them, maybe I am really ready for the hair.

You ladies certainly help me keep my thoughts going in a good direction.


Hugs,
Josey

[Beauty]

Hi everyone,

Yes, I was digging in the Coping section still and found this one.

My thoughts have changed a bit since this post. I found out more about my immune system since then and I realize that having two foreign objects in my body (implants) is not a good idea. It's just as bad or worse than taking hormones.

My fear was that what if I can't get access to hormones anymore, what would I do? Of course I've never taken femme hormones. Regardless, I don't want to lose my upper chest if I had growth there. So the BA surgery would force the issue and I wouldn't have to worry about them. Well, that is one way to see it. The other way is that why should I care? If they go they go. If my health is poor I can stop taking the hormones. If my health is poor I'm not going to have surgery to remove them to help my immune system strengthen some. I haven't resolved this issue internally yet, but it's going to be a pretty hard sell for me to have BA now.

So for now I'm still taking the t-blockers, am not two years into my laser hair treatments and am not shaving anymore and I still plan on having FFS in 2006. Before I make any decisions about any breast augmentation, hormones or surgery I've decided to think about my smile instead.

It's good to see things from the past and how going slowly can help, rather than hinder progress. Permanent is permanent and based on experience of those who have made permanent changes to their bodies I listened. They were very right. It's a great idea to move very slowly. If I had acted on my impulse, I would have lived with it, but I would have been advising people not to do what I've done.

Beauty

[Anita]

While I would like to reduce my testosterone level, and even perhaps try female hormones, I do not feel compelled because of my level of distress, wheras my distress level clearly requires me to dress female.

I think that it is not so much what we would like to do, as much as it is what we NEED to do.

Hi Beauty--
I'm glad you brought us up to date on this thread. I'm sorry to hear about your immune system, but at least you know. You are planning with the new info in mind.

Elizabeth's quote is the one that sparks my update here. My distress level in 2000 clearly required ME to dress female, also, and it also required me to come out at the same time. It was not just something I wanted to do, but it had become something I needed to do.

So what bothers me is wondering if...and when...the distress level is suddenly going to rise again. I know how powerful it is when that happens, and I have a lot of respect for that power.

I live in the here/now as much as I can, and really try not to think of it. Because I can't force the need for further change. But gender is part of almost everything we do on a daily basis, so I'm looking at it all the time!
It is hard to know what the best balance is here.

I have a good life as a trangenderist/T-girl/TG woman whatever. To live as I do, I can honestly tell other people, "It's doable. Only you know what price you'll have to pay. For me it's been worth it."

But those next steps will involve permanent change. I can't force myself to feel a need for them. I also can't plan as though they'll NEVER happen, either. It's a part of this life that isn't so easy to live with. I am glad that I don't have an SO who needs reassurance about these issues--what would I tell her? I don't know, myself.

[Beauty]

Hi Anita,

Thank God you said something. I should probably make what I said a lot clearer. There is nothing wrong with my immune system. I was saying I want to keep it that way. If I have foreign objects placed inside of my body, I was trying to convey that my immune system would have to fight against all the poisons/toxins these objects would bring in, as well as, the fact that my immune system would have to devote some functions to keeping them clean and disease free. If I ever were to get sick I was saying that it sure would have been cool to have an immune system working on what ails me instead of breast implants and what ails me. I hope that clears that up.

:: whew :: I'm glad you said that. lol

About permanent changes. Yes, those are a b'word. They are pretty tough on the psyche and I can tell you that first hand.

I also thought it was interesting about what you said about not having an SO who needs reassurance about these issues because you wouldn't know what to tell her since you don't know yourself. That's the hardest part about being us. We don't really know why we are this way. I guess what I'm trying to share is, you're right you are lucky when it comes to not having to reassure someone something that doesn't feel inside re-assurable. I will tell you though, having a support system of unconditional love can give you strength when you think you can't go on.

I hope you find someone who'll love you for you, no matter what and that it happens when you're ready.

Great post Anita!!! Thanks again for the chance to explain what I meant about the immune system.

Beauty

[Carolynn]

Hi. Another post I have been catching up on. Whew Beauty, I was delighted to read your clarification of what you meant by "what you had learned about your immune system" statement. You had me worried.

You are, of course, quite correct that placing anything in your body that didn't grow there can cause adaptations to that something by your bod. For most people with BA, that is hardening of the implant due to a sort of scar tissue build up, and what is called encapsulation, which usually takes ten years or more. The better the surgeon, the fewer the problems. Actual infections are really, really rare, and even more rare is outright rejection problems. The person who spoke to our support group (a PA, who is also a post op TS, for a plastic surgeon) said a BA should be evaluated for revision after 10 years anyway, due to molecular deterioration of the envelope, though a life of 20 years is pretty likely under most circumstances.

As far as changes under hormone therapy, particularly in terms of sexual preference, there is some, but not a lot, to that. Now, I'm gonna get a bit graphic in future paragraphs, and a bit personal with my own new experiences. So, if you don't want to go there, skip down to the last two paragraphs. If, and it is a big IF, a marriage remains after transition, then the relationship does not often change in terms of partner selection, according to all I have seen and been told by my support group members, which include some older (i.e. post op for several years ) sisters and brothers. If you enjoyed sex before transition with a partner of one sex, you will likely continue to do so. If you find yourself divorced (and I use you in the generic third person sense, not any of you personally in all this) then there seems to be a willingness to experiment, but usually the same sexual preference prevails. If you did not enjoy sex before transition, you still are unlikely to do so, which is the bad news for the nearly 60% of the TS population who try to keep a dream of a normal life alive but have been basically asexual due to their gender conflict. The earlier you transition the better, 'cause once the conflict is reduced or gone, you begin to live.

As far as changes to your mind, if you are TS, you have a sense of wrongness that is corrected to considerable degree by reducing T and increasing Estrogen. Depression is lessened (I can testify to that) and you have an enhanced sense of well being (and to that) that some say is a sort of placebo effect (not so sure about that!). If there is a personality change, it is usually progressively more open and free and in part comes from a lessening of fear and angst, and maybe the feeling that you are addressing the problem. From my experience of the last few months, emotional strength and empathy seems to increase, though I think I just no longer repress what I have always felt too. I truly understand the salutatory effects of a good cry, but am still amazed at how good you can feel afterwards. Movies that made me uncomfortable before because I felt I had to hide myself I now cry freely or smile in happy sympathy with the situation, and tears of happiness and joy are no longer strangers to me, though still rare. I still don't know if what I feel is the effect of the 'mones, or if I have begun transition and have given myself permission to be me. I have observed (one of my curses is to observe, analyze, correlate) members of my group begin to blossom and seen tension start melting away though, so its not just me. BUT, No, hormones are no panacea. If you have problems at work, they are likely to continue. If you have a bad home situation, it is unlikely to be made easier over all, but you may be able to find ways to deal with it that are better. If you have trouble balancing a budget, you probably still will. If you can't walk and chew bubble-gum at the same time, well, with intensive training and lots of practice.....maybe a change in hair color?

Physical effects: This is where I start getting personal and a bit graphic. 200mg of Spirolactone for four months means no more morning tumescences (or any other time either), little to no sex drive (neither of which is an undesired effect to me), and it is lots easier to "tuck". Sensation in that region is reduced, so it's not something to pursue if you want that. On the other hand, a married couple in our group report 100mg daily of Spiro seems to have little effect on Mr. Happy, if that is your desire, and some pre-ops have reported maintaining ability right up to SRS.

If you get rid of T, then estrogen is needed for health as well as other effects. For me, estrogen was started in low doses because of my age. I was considered slightly more at risk than a younger person for clotting problems (basically applies to anyone over 40, increasing risk with age), but that has not come to pass so far. (hmm, no smiley for knocking on wood?) I started with a .50mg patch, then .75 for two months, then 1.0. The next increment, I think next month, is either 1.5 or 2.0, depending on blood tests, and then it will continue at that rate until surgery in a few years. It will take 3-5 years for full potential physical effects to be reached, and near the end of that time, I will likely have BA since the stupid T-stuff gave me a wide chest in my mid teens (darn it). I will delay until then or near then, as I have the potential to grow C cups without BA (mother's genes) and may need proper placement of any enhancement to "normalize" the position of my breasts. But again, age may reduce the expected growth. Right now, at four and half months, my breasts have grown half a cup size, gone from sensitive to tender behind the nipple and around the areolae for about 1.5 inches in radius, but still not enough to need a bra yet because of the broad chest. I stand to lose a few inches of chest as mass continues to decrease on the upper body, according to my Dr., and all that together makes a later rather than earlier BA assessement necessary. My waist has reduced 2 inches, my hips increased only 1/2 inch

Other physical effects include reduced thickness (diameter) and increased softness of body, leg and arm hair (softer on the face but just as numerous), it regrows more slowly, though gets just as long, if I let it. Head hair seems to be thicker, though it is too early to expect any regrowth effects there from the hormones. Skin is more sensitive, softer, and appears subtly to have smaller pores and a more luminous quality, especially on the face. Make up is more effective, but my skill is still lacking--no amount of hormones will change that!!!! Six months ago, the skin on my hands and lower arms and legs bruised and scratched easily, but over the last month in particular, bruising frequency has dropped to nil, and scratching requires harder scrapes. According to my Doc, this is a desirable effect of estrogen, replacing some of the subcuteneous fat layer that sun and weather had removed from the exposed areas of my skin. Any other effects on my face other than the skin softening is not detectable as of yet.

And last but not least, for a cross dresser to hang out with TS folks is about as likely to make you TS as watching a Dirty Harry movie is to make you a serial killer or gun toting vigilante. A TS is a person with GID(Gender Identity Disorder, a complex series of symptoms associated with extreme Gender Dysphoria, as opposed to a person with gender dysphoria without symptoms that have detrimental effects on work, and life in general). A person with GID does not spring forth from the head of Zeus like Athena, but becomes TS when the individual faces a crisis point, and nearly all do sooner or later. Ok, it may seem like it when they hit you with the news like a ton of bricks, but the crisis (usually deep depression with plans for suicide, self mutilation among others) is the culmination of a problem spanning years, not the genesis. Those who seem to do better at suppressing, and maybe have a more adaptable or balanced personality, tend to have that crisis later, and are called late onset TS by some. Others find that crisis young, and in today's contrasting climate of rejection and acceptance, youthful TS have greater likelihood of support and success than my generation. Yeah, there have been cases of people who do have GD and might be sorta on the cusp of really needing to transition, and do so as a result of peer pressure through association with a TS group. Still, they have to be lying to therapists, and jump throught the SOC hoops in a rush, rush to SRS, and then when the rush is over, regret it. They go from a gender with privilege to "second class citizen", lose their sense of identity within a group, and still have the same problems. There are a lot fewer who do that than don't, and usually, if they are not candidates for transition and don't rush things, then they will sort out during therapy and hormones. Unfortunately, these are the ones that want to sue everyone for their own error, and they do get the press .....and Jerry Springer. A few become professional transsexuals, still seeking the validation as members of a group, but unable to adapt to the life of a woman. Some attempt re-transition, but that is not going to be acceptable to them either--no more Mr. Happy.

Generally, if you are not TS, then hormones are more likely to make you depressed, rather than help you find relief. Not always, because they can be powerful in their effects. If that happens, you need to stop and reevaluate, with your physicians and therapists help. If you miss the T and the libido you had, then stop and reevaluate with your therapist, and if you get no satisfaction from your therapist, then find another. The Benjamin Standards of Care are designed in steps, and the patient is evaluated by two different therapists, at several levels. The first is for hormones. The second is for the RLE or real life experience. The last is SRS. Two letters are needed for the latter step. Sometimes you might find an unethical therapist (rare) that just wants the money, and if you think you want to transition, then he/she will help you on your way with a "rah, rah, rah" and a Ka-ching of the cash register. And then again some unmoderated (by a therapist) support group may also become bandwagon/cheerleaders and that can lead you down the road. At the same time, it isn't unusual to have periods of doubt, particularly if you have family pressures ("But I want my daddy to give me away." "You're gonna mess up my chances to marry the girl of my dreams." "You do this and you're no family of mine!" are three common pressures). You have to know yourself, and you need good and experienced therapists that can help you over the hard spots, and know when there are doubts that are caused by extraneous factors, or that come from within. The HBSOC is designed to keep you from making a mistake, and it is a useful set of guidelines. Didn't think I would say that 11 months ago!!

Ok, this is too long but after catching up on the thread, I had to say it (well most of it). Hope you had no trouble staying awake.

Love, Carolynn

[Sally]

Hi Anita,

I was focussing on your words, "But those steps will involve permanent change. I can't force myself to feel a need for them."

That's the whole key to it all, that little word 'force'. If you have to force yourself then I'd say it's not right for you or anyone. It's a huge step to effect permanent changes to your body and your personality, also those physical changes create emotional mental changes as well which can be very distressing and depressing if the steps taken weren't meant to be.

I realise that sometimes people have to experience changes before they can really know what's right and what's not, but in my experience those times are when people try to make things happen too fast. Time is the greatest teller of what's right for us individually and I think the reason we read of so many occaisons where people say they want to change back, is because they got ahead of themselves and forced themselves into doing something which in a quieter moment with more thought they wouldn't have done.

I've seen many people go down the path of permanently changing their physical look and I've seen many different reactions after the event, some good, some not so good. I know in my own case when I started to effect permanent change to my body I had a bad mental reaction and spent more time in the day crying than not, but it never became so bad that I contemplated ceasing the treatment. My medics told me it was quite a normal reaction as my system had to make a huge adjustment from male hormone dominance to female hormone dominance.

For me it was the best decision I ever made as life to me since I started transition just got better and better, but it was something which just came naturally to me. It was a lifetime dream from early childhood come true and the only time there was any hint of 'force' was forcing myself not to do it ( for the greater period of my life ) rather than forcing myself to do it. That's my whole point. If we have to force ourself to feel one way then it's not right. It becomes something we want rather than something we need and there's a huge difference.

It's so good to see you so happy and content these days, we've both come a long way in the last 4/5 years.

Kind Regards,

Sally.